Ruined my life for a man who turned out to be full of shit

[babs891]

In January of 24 I separated from my partner of 14 years. We have a DD (10) with complex health problems, cerebral palsy among other dx.

The split was amicable and we agreed there was no rush for either of us to move out, we get along well and share caring duties. We would put the house on the market in a years time.

In September I began seeing a man from work, albeit from a different department. I did tell XP after a few dates so he was aware. There was never any question of us getting back together. He was understanding and free to date himself.

So the colleague - It was quite intense, spending lots of time together, in contact all day every day. A bit too much perhaps, in hindsight.

After a couple of months he began saying he was struggling with the reality of me and XP sharing a house which is fair enough.

I spoke with XP and it was agreed he would start looking for somewhere 'now' rather than at the end of the year as planned.

Colleague started blowing hot and cold in the process, I didnt know where I stood from one minute to the other. He said he was depressed and it was because of my home situation. One minute he wanted to be with me now and the next he said he couldn't cope (but still kept contacting me daily, telling me he loved me and saying he was waiting for me so we could be together properly)

He said we could only be together once XP had moved out and he was applying pressure, constantly telling me it was impacting his mental health.

Fair enough though, I thought. It's not ideal circumstances and of course its going to be difficult for him.

I really felt like I'd fallen in love with him at this point. In hindsight I think I was love bombed.

I felt under pressure which had a knock on effect for XP so me and XP were no longer getting on.

Him moving out was expedited and he moved in somewhere crap and further away than planned, just to get it over and done with. Our previously positive co-parenting relationship broke down. I'm financially much worse off and doing the lions share of care on my own.

Colleague/bf was happy though. All going well with him, so I thought.

Until Sunday I was at his for a BBQ when he made a couple of comments that made me question where his mind was at. He said he liked us "just how we are"

So I initiated a "where is this heading then" conversation.. my jaw hit the floor when he said he didn't want to put a label on it. After months and months of future faking.

(Didn't want to commit and be exclusive basically - he lead me to believe we already were. I had met his family and friends. He'd met mine including DD)

I reminded him of all the things he'd said about us settling down together, living together in the future, he had mentioned marriage a good few times. I asked what on earth that was about.

He said that's just something he said at the time and joked that I'm like an elephant, I never forget things.

He's 42. I was not expecting any of this.

I left his place on Sunday feeling like I'd just had the rug pulled from under my feet. The last thing I said to him was that we might aswell leave it at that then, and I left upset.

I've been in bits ever since, barely sleeping, hardly eating. I've completely destabilised mine and DD's lives for nothing. I feel such a fool.

I saw him at work today for the first time since last week and my emotions got the better of me. He came over and I told him he was manipulative, he had strung me along for months and to move out of my way. A couple of other colleagues were around so I expect he's embarrassed.

He text me shortly after saying I had made it very awkward and he doesn't know what that was all about(?!) but yes he is calling it a day as he doesn't want "these issues" with me.

I've burst out crying infront of my line manager who took me aside when she noticed I wasn't myself. She was utterly lovely about it but I'm so embarrassed.

He doesn't see that he has done anything wrong.

Have I been completely gaslighted here or am I just a fucking moron myself?

I actually feel sick 😔

Incapable is different, but that's not what you wrote.

And weakness and selfishness are relative concepts. Everyone is weak and selfish at times. Its a human thing.

There is only one victim in all this same with endless other threads, the child or children

Op all you can do is learn from it and teach your child what a decent relationship is

I wrote "always has to have a man in their lives"- it's exactly the same as being incapable of living life without a man. It's pathetic tbh.

It really isnt exactly the same. One is absolute. The other is not.

And thanks for sharing that you think its pathetic. I try not to be so judgemental because it doesnt really add much value.

What was going to "add value"? Patting the OP on the back and going "there, there, poor you, what a nasty man?"

So according to your op 'he started blowing hot and cold' BEFORE your dp even moved out?
I honestly do not think you are very good at reading the subtext OP. You will have to chalk it up to experience and not make the same mistake again and take things much slower.

You’ll be ok lovely. Give it time.x

I haven't read all the other posts but OP, I've read yours and I have a completely different take on the situation you posted.

First, you and your husband were getting divorced and the plan was to go your separate ways. So it was done a bit earlier and a bit rockier than expected but the two of you were over anyway. I doubt this thing will even matter between your X and yourself in a years' time. If you feel like you didn't treat your X right, why not apologize. A simple acknowledgement and apology can go a long way in repairing a damaged working relationship.

This other guy, my feeling is that he probably didn't have any ill intent and that there's not necessarily anything wrong with him, either. It seems like you were treating him and thinking of him as a husband when that's not what he was. The two of you weren't yet at that stage. If I understood your posts correctly, it wasn't even a year, your ex still lived in your home for part or most of that time and new guy hadn't been introduced as anything but a friend to your child.

Okay, so many, many relationships start out strong, then fizzle out. I think the most likely explanation is that as time went on, he simply changed his mind. I've heard it takes three years to get to know someone well. That's long enough to see all sides of them and see them in many different situations. Since most of us only get married or the equivalent once or twice but have many more shorter relationships than one or two in our lifetimes, most relationships do end before they get to the most serious stage of marriage or its equivalent. More often than not, all the components that make both people want to continue simply aren't there for one or both parties after a while.

So my best guess from what you've posted is that, for him, in the end it just wasn't the life he wanted after all. He wanted out and went about it a bit stupidly. But of course it would have hurt regardless.

It hurts, yes. But I think it helps to see it for what it most likely is (if I've understood correctly) not go over the top with fury, bitterness or feelings that you've been tricked or that he's crazy or whatever. Most likely, you both had good intentions but it just didn't work out.

As far as work, well we're all susceptible to having a bad time. I'd just get back in there and do your job. Be professional and cordial with everyone, including him. Just keep your nose down, on your work, and it will soon blow over, as soon as the next mini-drama occurs. So sorry it didn't work out this time and best wishes.

I could give you a hug. What a shit thing to go through. He’s a dick. Probably best to think about changing jobs. You’ll look back and realise it was the best thing in the end.

Aww, you're supportive in a non-distressing way, how very gracious of you! Dispensing asinine advice. Yes that’s what’s needed here well meaning platitudes.

I get that @babs891 feels furious, let down, etc but there’s an aspect of minimisation and externalisation when with agreeing Yes! He’s a narcissist. She was lead on etc. She changed her domestic arrangements,and her ex relocated acrimoniously because she plunged into a new relationship too fast, too intense. A relationship that unraveled quickly too. She prioritised the new man, changed fundamental domestic arrangements to her own financial and practical detriment for new boyfriend.

I am specifically discussing the minimising posts
He’s a narcissist!
You were gaslight I tell ya.
Yes. A good dose of there,there and it’s all his fault.Apportion blame elsewhere.

From @babs891 I get the regret, I don’t completely get responsibility That’s were I think posts that blame him allow and encourage minimisation, the bad man did it.

He sounds like a narcissistic piece of shit - to put it mildly. You've dodged a massive bullet.. it may not feel like it right now but one day you'll look back on this and realise what a lucky escape you had.

In the meantime, I would try to heal the relationship again with your ex partner. He sounds like a very reasonable guy and could support you during this tough time.

This! You made a huge mistake and treated your ex badly by the sounds of it. Try to repair that mistake. Do some grovelling.

Living with your ex probably wasn't sustainable in the long term, however good your co-parenting relationship was.

Perhaps now you can meet up with your ex and talk, and try to figure out if there's a way you can set things up so you are living close to each other in a location that works for both of you and able to co-parent successfully again.

Try to remember it could just as easily have been your ex who met someone else and wanted to change the status quo. It would have been one or the other of you eventually. So try to find some sort of setup now which works for you all, is sustainable in the long run, and won't be threatened by either of you getting into a normal healthy relationship with someone who respects your co-parenting relationship later down the line.

Definitely focus on this for the foreseeable future, and not on dating. You don't have to live like a nun forever, but there's been a lot of upheaval for your daughter in a relatively short space of time.

What an utter fucker he was

try to forgive yourself for what happened at work, shit happens, it could happen to anyone.

I don't think you have ruined life. It is possible you got into a relationship with too soon. I think realistically, living with your ex-partner full time was not sustainable in the long term. I don't think most people would be comfortable with that situation. I personally would never date someone who is living with their ex-partner.

I think you've done well OP. You fell for it and you've acknowledged that. Key thing is you recognised he was a loser and you've broken free. So many don't - the number of threads on here that detail women doing the pick me dance.

We all make mistakes, you are now working to rectify these. No idea why some are trying to kick the boot in, you clearly feel bad enough already. You know what you need to try to do next time so it doesn't happen again. This is how we learn in life. Goodluck OP

I've been in bits ever since, barely sleeping, hardly eating. I've completely destabilised mine and DD's lives for nothing. I feel such a fool.

Well, yeah. Seems like all the red flags were there to be honest. Lesson learnt, hopefully.

I think narcissist might be the most overused word on Mumsnet.

Sorry this has happened OP. You were led on a merry dance by an immature man by the sounds of it.
You’ve got a lot on your plate with your child and your ex, I think you need to preserve your peace and keep blocking the dickhead colleague. Well done for calling him out. don’t let him worm back in.
I am sure you can sort things out with your ex, and will have learnt to not let another man mess with your co- parenting set up in future.

He didn't really want a relationship and was using your living circumstances as the excuse, he probably didn't really expect you to upend your life for a fling. You have been foolish and have work to do to get back on track. Take this hard lesson and never let it happen again 💐

You rushed into things (by your own admission) and he had a change of heart. His behaviour was immature and manipulative, so in the longer term you’re well shot of him.

You've been through a lot of stress and were vulnerable. Try not to give yourself too hard a time. You had split from your ex so he would have had to move out eventually. I’m sure you can explain and get your friendly relationship back.

It’s a lesson learned. Focus on yourself and your daughter. Take things slowly with any future relationships. I would personally be thinking I would not move a man in while my child lived with me.

Caution ladies, they come in ALL ages from 18 to 80. My aunt experienced same with a man almost 70yrs old!

You're not at fault so don't blame yourself. In life, sometimes things go badly and don't work out as planned, no matter how careful we are. Focus on the future and trying to improve your situation now.

I think the more useful question for you to ask since you will never get inside his head is what was going on inside yours and why you bought into the fantasy so quickly. You probably need to explore this because if you don’t you will be vulnerable and have something similar happen again. You need time after a 14 year relationship to re-establish yourself and work out who you are again. I would just concentrate on your DD. I hope you and your ex can remain friends and get on with co-parenting. Wishing you the best of luck.

This. It would never have been the right decision to kick out your daughter’s father for a new man and relationship so quickly. The fact he’s a prick isn’t really what’s the biggest problem.