Ruined my life for a man who turned out to be full of shit

[babs891]

In January of 24 I separated from my partner of 14 years. We have a DD (10) with complex health problems, cerebral palsy among other dx.

The split was amicable and we agreed there was no rush for either of us to move out, we get along well and share caring duties. We would put the house on the market in a years time.

In September I began seeing a man from work, albeit from a different department. I did tell XP after a few dates so he was aware. There was never any question of us getting back together. He was understanding and free to date himself.

So the colleague - It was quite intense, spending lots of time together, in contact all day every day. A bit too much perhaps, in hindsight.

After a couple of months he began saying he was struggling with the reality of me and XP sharing a house which is fair enough.

I spoke with XP and it was agreed he would start looking for somewhere 'now' rather than at the end of the year as planned.

Colleague started blowing hot and cold in the process, I didnt know where I stood from one minute to the other. He said he was depressed and it was because of my home situation. One minute he wanted to be with me now and the next he said he couldn't cope (but still kept contacting me daily, telling me he loved me and saying he was waiting for me so we could be together properly)

He said we could only be together once XP had moved out and he was applying pressure, constantly telling me it was impacting his mental health.

Fair enough though, I thought. It's not ideal circumstances and of course its going to be difficult for him.

I really felt like I'd fallen in love with him at this point. In hindsight I think I was love bombed.

I felt under pressure which had a knock on effect for XP so me and XP were no longer getting on.

Him moving out was expedited and he moved in somewhere crap and further away than planned, just to get it over and done with. Our previously positive co-parenting relationship broke down. I'm financially much worse off and doing the lions share of care on my own.

Colleague/bf was happy though. All going well with him, so I thought.

Until Sunday I was at his for a BBQ when he made a couple of comments that made me question where his mind was at. He said he liked us "just how we are"

So I initiated a "where is this heading then" conversation.. my jaw hit the floor when he said he didn't want to put a label on it. After months and months of future faking.

(Didn't want to commit and be exclusive basically - he lead me to believe we already were. I had met his family and friends. He'd met mine including DD)

I reminded him of all the things he'd said about us settling down together, living together in the future, he had mentioned marriage a good few times. I asked what on earth that was about.

He said that's just something he said at the time and joked that I'm like an elephant, I never forget things.

He's 42. I was not expecting any of this.

I left his place on Sunday feeling like I'd just had the rug pulled from under my feet. The last thing I said to him was that we might aswell leave it at that then, and I left upset.

I've been in bits ever since, barely sleeping, hardly eating. I've completely destabilised mine and DD's lives for nothing. I feel such a fool.

I saw him at work today for the first time since last week and my emotions got the better of me. He came over and I told him he was manipulative, he had strung me along for months and to move out of my way. A couple of other colleagues were around so I expect he's embarrassed.

He text me shortly after saying I had made it very awkward and he doesn't know what that was all about(?!) but yes he is calling it a day as he doesn't want "these issues" with me.

I've burst out crying infront of my line manager who took me aside when she noticed I wasn't myself. She was utterly lovely about it but I'm so embarrassed.

He doesn't see that he has done anything wrong.

Have I been completely gaslighted here or am I just a fucking moron myself?

I actually feel sick 😔

Belive that's been completed.
I have continued to make mature decisions like not ruining my kids and others time out of selfish un thought out desires.

Ignoring the facetiousness...

Of course the OP has agency and responsibility; she has acknowledged this herself. Recognising mistakes is part of recovery — but so is being met with empathy, not judgement.

I work for a domestic abuse charity. Complexity is the norm. Humans make decisions in contexts shaped by emotion, coercion, hope, fear — not perfect logic. Trauma impacts judgement and behaviour.

“Well-meaning platitudes,” as you put it, are sometimes not only appropriate, but necessary. Validation builds the safety needed for real reflection.

Pushing accountability too early, especially from strangers on the internet, risks retraumatising someone who is already grappling with regret and loss. It doesn’t build insight — it builds shame.
And shame doesn’t lead to growth.

There's a time and place for deeper personal accountability and its not while someone's processing pain. Support is needed first.

Frankly I think the cheating ex now in his own place is a positive for OP too.

I can’t picture a scenario where a cheater living under one’s nose is in any way edifying.

Take some time. Have a think about what can be done about your living circumstances and co-parenting situation to improve things for your daughter, you and your ex. Talk and think it through, find an arrangement and routine that works long-term, even if this involves moving (you and/or ex), bearing in mind that both of you will probably have relationships with someone else in the future. Take your time. Get your life in order. It's ok to feel angry right now but in hindsight this will be seen as a catalyst for getting your shit together and building a stable and happy future for yourself and your daughter that at some point might include a romantic partner for you. I know it feels raw now, but at some point soon you should make an effort to just stop talking about the wanker from work. He's really not important.

In response to @Annascaul

That's not what I was responding to in that post.

But to answer your point, yes, I see the issue.

And I see that having a child with special needs adds a dimension to this situation that is likely to have compounded the difficulties OP faced when making choices and holding hope for her future, however misplaced that hope turned out to be.

Were you responding to me?

No, sorry, I forgot to quote the poster. Have since edited.

Oh dear. I always find people who are smug like this end up falling down and crashing in life.

Well meaning platitudes are by definition facile and superficial as they avoid difficult topics to be well meaning. It’s avoidant and prioritises faux manner's before honest advice
Going Forward the learning has to be don’t adversely disrupt your domestic situation for a new man. Exercise a degree of caution and common sense. Don’t get swept along on a romantic whim.

You are very right. The ex seems angelic by the whole sound of it. The child is so suffering and added emotional layer of suffering now.

@roaringmouse a trauma informed approach also encourages personal empowerment to facilitate learning & resilience to not habitually repeat the same pattern. Foster confidence and self belief to developing strategies & resilience to keep one self safe. Trauma informed approach is more than aww and sympathy. Support as a construct has a reflection and responsibility component.

I think 6 months in is a but too soon for where it’s going chat you still both barely know each other other

I think the OP had dealt with some of these responses very maturely. She is reflecting on what went wrong. Not sure many people would like being called pathetic and the OP has been called this a few times. Empathy and support is the way to go. You never know what might happen to upskittle you in life. Wishing you well, OP

OP's 'angelic' ex had an affair...

Broadly speaking, I agree. But timing is critical. And one of my points was that right now OP needs support.

The OP has just experienced this within the last week or so. She is still likely reeling from the shock.

Reflection, building strategies, and fostering resilience come later, once she feels emotionally safe enough to process what's happened.

Trauma-informed support is dynamic: it meets people where they are, not where anyone else thinks they should be. That's the foundation that makes later empowerment and reflection possible.

A trauma informed approach it intelligent in irs timing.

and if us never a bludgeon or remotely self righteous.

Someone didn’t RTFT.

It’s difficult to believe you’ve fully matured given your lack of empathy. You talk as though OP committed a heinous crime. She fell in love and once she was sure of him to took action that she believed would result in a stable loving future for both her and her daughter. She acknowledged it wasn’t great on her XP and in hindsight thinks she was love bombed which does affect one’s judgement. It is possible to disagree with someone civilly and provide constructive feedback - but no you want to ‘brag’ about your perfect home life and rub her nose in it. Very mature - not.

Nor is TIA an exercise in platitudes and avoidance. It’s an a
approach.
Utilising Reflection and safety strategies to promote self esteem and avoid repetition of compromising patterns

Just sending you a hug. Feel better.

Also... better to find out now than two years down the line with a joint mortgage and your daughter maybe having got attached to him, no?

And timing and nuance are critical.

You seem to be in possession of neither.

Single and in my early 40s. I really do suggest taking at least a year to yourself and reading up a bit on men, feminism etc. I've been reading a really deep book about male sexuality and power. Dear me, it explains a lot

I'm at the point where I filter hard. "Depressed" men are a hard no for me. They are everywhere and I think some very low effort men have cottoned onto it as a seemingly "bullet proof" excuse to do sweet fuck all and have the audacity to complain about it.

It's always worth asking what self work a man does, and their attitude to dancing. I've found just the expectation of going inwards for self work freaks them out (no, "swimming" and "riding" are not meditation). Also so many men with the made up sads and an unfeasibly high opinion of themselves (the fact he expected you to upend your life for him, the mistake you made, was you did) are terrified of dancing.

Raise your bar and don't drop it. Please take some time to work on yourself and healing the relationships this "I'm so saadddd" chaos storm upended.

@babs891 just wanted to check how you are, I got from your posts that you are feeling pretty wretched about what happened and it's consequences, but that hadn't stopped the pile-on from people who haven't told you anything you didn't already know, seemingly with the intention of making you feel worse (if possible!) and indulging in some heavy-duty sanctimonious scolding, entirely ignoring that you are aware of, and have already beaten yourself up about, the issues they raise.
Please know many are on your side and want to offer you support.
You've had a very hard life lesson, one of which is that Mumsnet has become a bear pit. I hope you feel better over time and can rebuild your friendly relationship with your ex.

It’s reasonable to meet your DD at six months. Some PP think single parents should live like nuns until DC are 21 years of age.

To me very important explaining to your child that you made a ghastly mistake - but that we all do.