Would you consider this cheating?

[Springcleaning85]

I've been seeing someone for 3 months and we are exclusive. We met on a dating app and the first 2 weeks of seeing him and chatting to him, I went on a couple of dates with another guy and had sex with him.
We had only been on 3 dates by the point when I slept with the other guy and there were no chats about exclusivity etc. I also hadn't had sex with my current guy by that point either or even kissed him.
Just wanting to know would this be seen as cheating? I never saw the other guy again after the first 2 weeks as realised I really liked the guy I'm with now.
I don't know why but I do feel a bit icky for having sex with someone else while we were chatting , seeing each other and having a lovely time together.
In my defence, I was keeping my options open and found the other guy attractive and funny at the time.

I actually think this is a shit way to behave.

I'm in my 50s and when I was dating it was just assumed you were only seeing that one person from the start. There was no ' exclusivity' chat.

Don't care if it makes me sound old. I think that was a more decent way to treat other people than seeing one bloke whilst shagging another. That just seems to make people commodities in a market place of endless choice rather than individuals entitled to basic respect, decency and honesty.

With online dating. Not to do with US convention really. Prior to meeting someone in person, you've no idea how you'll get on so if you're seriously looking for a relationship it makes no sense to only conduct one chat and set up one date at once.

The key is discretion and if you like someone, cutting off the others quickly to give that one a chance. That may be a thunderbolt, or it may be a few dates in. I found that establishing exclusivity before sex with someone I liked was the best policy, and not asking or assuming anything about their prior recent dating.

I think no good will come of telling him.
You're happy together, best to stay that way.

In my experience, most guys want sex, so if you'd been out with him 3 times and not even kissed, and some time between dates 3 and 4 you've slept with someone else, I imagine he's not going to be best pleased and I don't expect you would be if the roles were reversed

See the thing I notice about this thread is that people are both saying ' you've done nothing wrong' and ' he won't like it, you wouldn't if the roles were reversed, so don't tell him.'

See, I think its just better to treat people with decency and respect from the start, rather than doing stuff they won't like, and you wouldn't like them to do to you either, but just not tell them.

Its a bloody sad development in dating.

See I wouldn’t tell him - it puts a bit of a barrier up to the relationship developing, it might fizzle out anyway. If it does fizzle out, no loss and if it doesn’t then you just chalk it to experience. You weren’t unfaithful.

I personally would prefer not to know. I don’t think it would be helpful to me to know. You’re just burdening someone else because you feel guilty. What good would it do?

It’s not a “development” you must be very naive if you really believed nobody two timed, cheated or had affairs pre the internet. Have you not watched any films?

Before you tell him, ask yourself what good will come of this. It will be a shit show. Bury it in the nether regions of your brain. Take it from an old bird.

Completely agree. I’m single and I’ve done OLD but can’t get my head around dating several people at same time and going on dates with someone while I’m sleeping with someone else.

It’s a horrible consequence of the online disposable world we live in where people treat each other as options and commodities rather than actual humans.

Back in my day if you dated two people at same time it ended up with a scrap in the pub car park 🤣

It’s a change in culture that I dont see as being for the better.

It must have been a wonderful world without adultery…. Oh wait 🧐

Of course people cheated but they were the exceptions and not the standard. And people caught two timing were shamed not celebrated.

I’ve seen many a fight or a fall out because of two timing. It absolutely was not the done thing only a generation ago

Did I saw there was no cheating? But it’s a shit timing to do nothing to be taken as an expected standard

Nobody is celebrating it, they’re just giving OP validation that she can still move forward with man A.

You can still chose not to behave differently in 2025. It’s not set in stone - and it’s really not a new development, it’s human nature.

You're assuming that she was the reason they hadn't kissed as of date three, but it's just as likely the situation/circumstances weren't right or he wasn't ready to make a move.

Speak for yourself, not other posters, who unless you have some incredible mind reading skills, you have no idea about what they would say. If you hold double standards, that's your issue.

There's no real way to know his reaction.

Some guys might look at it that they've won out and be relaxed about it all.

Others would be left worrying that you are settling for them and if there was a guy like the previous one with a better personality you'd be straight off.

It makes me very glad to have met and married my DW before OLD because I don't think I could take the thought of being judged and compared like that (which I appreciate is OLD in general / a problem for everyone not 100% secure in themselves).

My goodness, that is not what it being talked about all. Talk about a comprehension fail!

What is happening here is the normalisation of seeing multiple people at once. Not the ( still) social aberration of cheating/ affairs.

Not cheating but it's shitty behavior isn't it.

He was probably getting butterflies and you were getting into bed with someone.

You've treated him like a dope.

I'd tell him so he can make decisions going forward based on the truth

But, you won't.

This is spot on.

She didn’t give him the chance of real authentic butterflies as she was getting her leg over elsewhere. This is the deceit.

I’ve been on his side here and regardless of what some on here are saying, it’s dishonest. By not telling him what was going on, it’s deceit and he deserves to know.

You had a nice date number 2. Still no kiss but clearly moving forward. He was excited about date 3 and what it might mean and you’re out having sex while this goes on and he’s excited. It stinks.

Agree with this. I found out after I’d been seeing someone for a year that they’d had sex with another woman a couple of weeks in. To find out after that long was a punch in the gut - I’d rather have known from start so I could make an informed decision armed with the facts but to me he just had a secret all the way through, it tarnished my memories and it felt dishonest.

Is this the same mumsnet where everyone constantly accuses men of all sorts and how awful men's behaviour is. The responses on this thread about 'oh he was probably getting feelings for you whilst you were shagging someone else'. Erm possibly but also high possibility he was out doing the same!

You have absolutely no idea what this man was feeling or what he was doing. He may have been in two minds about OP but became more certain as the dates went on. He may have even done the same or at least still been dating/ looking but drew a line when they became more serious.

Online dating doesn't infer exclusivity straight away. If one wants that, they have to stipulate they only want to date one person at once from the very start. That's fine but they have to make that clear.

You may not like it but it's how things are online. It's very different from meeting someone even briefly in a pub and having some idea about them. People can be very different from your expectations and hopes online (not necessarily in a good or bad way, sometimes there will simply be zero chemistry where there's no reason why not). Therefore you have to keep things moving a bit more in the early stages. It's truly not ideal but tbh too slow otherwise if you want to find a partner.

Online dating is nothing to do with it.

this is a basic expectation of honesty from the outset.

this is deceit by omission!

Online dating is different. The first date is the first time you are meeting a complete stranger. It's not like being introduced by someone mutual, or through a hobby etc. The first few dates are more to make sure you actually want to date the person. First date is simply to make sure they are who they portray themselves as online. It is relevant that they met via online.

I agree and I'm not even that old. When I was in my teens / early 20s it just wasn't you did.

You didn't two time people it wasn't the done thing. You went on a date with someone it was expected that you didn't see anyone else. You are allowed to wait. If you go on a handful of dates and it doesn't work out then start again.

But I can't accept or condone this multi dating, we're not exclusive nonsense.

I agree the online part is relevant, first date from OLD is blind, building rapour, confirming what you already believe.

When you date someone you know there’s normally been some flirting, you know a bit more about them, have met in person many times and know about them already - you’re searching for chemistry.

Also if you’re OLD you’re in the market, searching for a partner. You’re going to be meeting multiple people on a no strings basis.