Page 3 | Would you consider this cheating?

Springcleaning85 · 2025-04-03T20:58:06+00:00

I've been seeing someone for 3 months and we are exclusive. We met on a dating app and the first 2 weeks of seeing him and chatting to him, I went on a couple of dates with another guy and had sex with him. We had only been on 3 dates by the point when I slept with the other guy and there were no chats about exclusivity etc. I also hadn't had sex with my current guy by that point either or even kissed him. Just wanting to know would this be seen as cheating? I never saw the other guy again after the first 2 weeks as realised I really liked the guy I'm with now. I don't know why but I do feel a bit icky for having sex with someone else while we were chatting , seeing each other and having a lovely time together. In my defence, I was keeping my options open and found the other guy attractive and funny at the time.

SparklyGlitterballs · 04/04/2025 06:48

category12 · 04/04/2025 06:35

If you weren't at the stage of having sex with your now-boyfriend and had only had a couple of dates, I don't see it as an issue.

I think it's a bit weird that people think you should magically know from the first coffee date (or whatever it was) that it was going to become Something. You probably didn't even know if there would be a second or third date at that point.

Well obviously you don't know from the first date, but we used to be patient and go on several dates before moving on to the next one. It's no wonder STIs are so rampant nowadays.

AlwaysCoffee25 · 04/04/2025 06:50

ouch321 · 03/04/2025 22:49

Stuff like this is how I know I don't fit in the modern world.

I think (and I know I'm the outlier as evidenced by all the other responses on the thread saying it's totally cool) this behaviour is repulsive, using and discarding of people like they're disposable cutlery.

10 years ago, this was not the norm. "Exclusive" wasn't a word used in this context of dating. You'd be seeing Person A and that was it.

If you’re actively dating though you might have more than one date lined up. I had 3 in the week I met DH!

AlwaysCoffee25 · 04/04/2025 06:51

SparklyGlitterballs · 04/04/2025 06:48

Well obviously you don't know from the first date, but we used to be patient and go on several dates before moving on to the next one. It's no wonder STIs are so rampant nowadays.

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People are more sexually liberal. I’m glad I didn’t have to marry my first boyfriend…!

Bluemoonbluebell · 04/04/2025 07:07

AlwaysCoffee25 · 04/04/2025 06:50

If you’re actively dating though you might have more than one date lined up. I had 3 in the week I met DH!

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Back in the day you had to meet people in real life and not online, so it would be unusual to have dates with 3 different people lined up.
Didn’t call them dates either, not where I was anyway.

Winifredtabago · 04/04/2025 07:21

This reminds me a little bit of that episode in Friends where Pheobe couldn't decide between the hot fireman and the sensitive guy so was dating both to try and figure it out. Not the same as OPs question but reading some of the replies that's where my mind went 😆

category12 · 04/04/2025 07:36

SparklyGlitterballs · 04/04/2025 06:48

Well obviously you don't know from the first date, but we used to be patient and go on several dates before moving on to the next one. It's no wonder STIs are so rampant nowadays.

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She wasn't having sex with both and she wasn't committed to either.

And I don't think STIs are particularly more "rampant", and fortunately they're easier to test for, less stigmatised and it's more of a normal part of people's lives and sexual health routine to get tested, and we have better treatments etc.

category12 · 04/04/2025 07:37

I meant less stigmatised to test for above.

Seeingsomone · 04/04/2025 07:38

category12 · 04/04/2025 07:36

She wasn't having sex with both and she wasn't committed to either.

And I don't think STIs are particularly more "rampant", and fortunately they're easier to test for, less stigmatised and it's more of a normal part of people's lives and sexual health routine to get tested, and we have better treatments etc.

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Wow. Easier to test so now ok to shag two guys at the same time. Both thinking they are falling for her.

its lies. Actually worse than lies it’s pure deception.

ScentOfAMoomin · 04/04/2025 07:39

Unless he believed you were exclusive at this stage I’d say it was not cheating - but if it were my partner I would be really disappointed if I ever found out.

category12 · 04/04/2025 07:41

Seeingsomone · 04/04/2025 07:38

Wow. Easier to test so now ok to shag two guys at the same time. Both thinking they are falling for her.

its lies. Actually worse than lies it’s pure deception.

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It's a couple of dates, the guys are probably doing the same thing 😂

It's more of a thing to decide you're exclusive and get tested together as like a part of showing you're getting serious.

category12 · 04/04/2025 07:41

And again, she wasn't shagging both.

Stagshear · 04/04/2025 07:47

category12 · 04/04/2025 07:41

And again, she wasn't shagging both.

For me OLD, first date might be a coffee to weed people out. Second meet is a proper date to see whether there is chemistry and to see if we click, after the third date i think you kind of know if there is potentially a relationship there.

If she had arranged two or three dates in the coffee week, then fine. But after date three when she should be starting to have a sense of whether she really likes this guy and if there could be something I think it’s pretty poor. So maybe not technically cheating, but I would be moving on if I were him and found out.

mamajong · 04/04/2025 07:48

Absolutely not cheating, you weren't exclusive and had no idea if it would go anywhere, he may well have done the same. Personally I wouldn't volunteer the information but would be honest if asked.

I agree that modern dating is different and I'm not a fan but life evolves. When DP and I had our first date we were already friends and I was upfront and said I'm.old fashioned, if I'm.dating you I'm.not going to be dating anyone else until I see where this goes and he agreed BUT we specifically had that chat. Unless you have, ofc it's not cheating

Neurodiversitydoctor · 04/04/2025 07:49

SparklyGlitterballs · 04/04/2025 06:48

Well obviously you don't know from the first date, but we used to be patient and go on several dates before moving on to the next one. It's no wonder STIs are so rampant nowadays.

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Yes, in the over 65s those who believed in free love in 1969 haven't changed their mind.

Randomer27 · 04/04/2025 07:49

Seeingsomone · 03/04/2025 22:47

It’s the dual dating.

you’re happily getting into something lovely and doing lovely things, hoping and being all vulnerable.

meanwhile she is banging someone else.

it‘s dishonest Jennie.

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‘Banging’ is such a gross term.

What you're really saying is that you project all this stuff on to a person you barely know, and can’t cope with any complexity. That in itself is something you should be saying straight up.

I can cope with complexity, and only want to be with people who can also cope with complexity.
OP has done nothing wrong, at all, and your devastation is yours to own.

BitOutOfPractice · 04/04/2025 07:51

ouch321 · 03/04/2025 22:49

Stuff like this is how I know I don't fit in the modern world.

I think (and I know I'm the outlier as evidenced by all the other responses on the thread saying it's totally cool) this behaviour is repulsive, using and discarding of people like they're disposable cutlery.

10 years ago, this was not the norm. "Exclusive" wasn't a word used in this context of dating. You'd be seeing Person A and that was it.

As a person doing online dating 12-13 years ago that’s not true.

op no I don’t think it’s cheating. No I don’t think you should tell him because 3 dates in it’s none of his business.

Mwydryn · 04/04/2025 07:54

I don't think it's cheating, but I would absolutely want to know, in the interest of honesty and openness. I think that exclusivity should be a given really, so I'd feel that I wasn't properly informed about the situation at the start of the relationship and that would make me very, very uncomfortable.

GroovyChick87 · 04/04/2025 07:57

It's not the same as cheating further into a serious relationship but if someone was acting like they wanted a relationship with me and was having sex with me, I'd probably end it if I found out they'd shagged someone else. I think it's down to the details. How many times you had seen your boyfriend in that 2 week period? Was it just a couple of dates or were you spending evenings cuddled on the couch talking about the future, having sex etc? I think if it's the latter you can assume exclusivity without having to have an explicit chat about it.

OneLemonGuide · 04/04/2025 07:58

AlwaysCoffee25 · 04/04/2025 06:50

If you’re actively dating though you might have more than one date lined up. I had 3 in the week I met DH!

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Exactly, going on a date or two to get to know the basics about the other person is different to “dating”… Pre-Tinder most people wouldn’t have had the opportunity to line up dates, and tended to know the person, at least a bit, before going on a date… and the first date would be equivalent to a date 2/3/4 now, when most dates are essentially blind dates.

OneLemonGuide · 04/04/2025 08:03

BitOutOfPractice · 04/04/2025 07:51

As a person doing online dating 12-13 years ago that’s not true.

op no I don’t think it’s cheating. No I don’t think you should tell him because 3 dates in it’s none of his business.

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Even 20+ years ago, in the very early days of OLD before my marriage, I multi-dated… However, it was exactly that. I went of a date or two, I never shagged anyone I was exclusive with… though a guy did two-time me for a couple of months!

user2848502016 · 04/04/2025 08:03

Not cheating but also I probably wouldn’t want to know about it if I was the guy you’re seeing - just forget it and focus on your new relationship now

Summerbornhelp · 04/04/2025 08:04

You are feeling unsettled about it, like other posters have said best to be open and honest there’s nothing worse that building foundations on something great and then it coming out later on.

i don’t think it would bother me that early on, for all you know he was doing the same thing??

good luck 🍀

category12 · 04/04/2025 08:04

Stagshear · 04/04/2025 07:47

For me OLD, first date might be a coffee to weed people out. Second meet is a proper date to see whether there is chemistry and to see if we click, after the third date i think you kind of know if there is potentially a relationship there.

If she had arranged two or three dates in the coffee week, then fine. But after date three when she should be starting to have a sense of whether she really likes this guy and if there could be something I think it’s pretty poor. So maybe not technically cheating, but I would be moving on if I were him and found out.

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She hadn't even had a kiss with her current boyfriend on date three.

Your timeline might suit you, but it's very arbitrary.

BarbedButterfly · 04/04/2025 08:07

Not cheating at all but i wouldn't want to see you again if I knew. No judgement to you but I see one person at a time

mothersdayhmm · 04/04/2025 08:09

Me and DH met on a dating site 17 years ago. From our first date we never saw anyone else. No way would I have shagged another dude after 3 dates with DH - no way!

Whether you call it cheating or not, it was duplicitous. I bet you didn't tell him on date number 4, that you'd had sex with another guy a few days prior? And there's a reason why you kept that little gem to yourself.

How would you feel if he had done the same?

I guarantee you that if you tell him, your relationship will not recover. Keep it to yourself.