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Original poster

Would you consider this cheating?

131 replies

Springcleaning85 · 03/04/2025 21:58

I've been seeing someone for 3 months and we are exclusive. We met on a dating app and the first 2 weeks of seeing him and chatting to him, I went on a couple of dates with another guy and had sex with him.
We had only been on 3 dates by the point when I slept with the other guy and there were no chats about exclusivity etc. I also hadn't had sex with my current guy by that point either or even kissed him.
Just wanting to know would this be seen as cheating? I never saw the other guy again after the first 2 weeks as realised I really liked the guy I'm with now.
I don't know why but I do feel a bit icky for having sex with someone else while we were chatting , seeing each other and having a lovely time together.
In my defence, I was keeping my options open and found the other guy attractive and funny at the time.

OP posts:
Wipethedogspaws · 04/04/2025 00:22

ouch321 · 03/04/2025 22:49

Stuff like this is how I know I don't fit in the modern world.

I think (and I know I'm the outlier as evidenced by all the other responses on the thread saying it's totally cool) this behaviour is repulsive, using and discarding of people like they're disposable cutlery.

10 years ago, this was not the norm. "Exclusive" wasn't a word used in this context of dating. You'd be seeing Person A and that was it.

Yeah, I find it really strange. Why can't people concentrate on one person at a time?

MsNevermore · 04/04/2025 00:24

If it was just casual dating for those first 2 weeks and you were both clear on that, then no, I wouldn’t consider it cheating.
I’m also assuming you made sure your sexual health was all ship-shape before having sex with your now-partner?
Because that’s the biggest thing for me when it comes to casual dating.

savethatkitty · 04/04/2025 00:42

Nope, not cheating. Give yourself a break.

BeerAndMusic · 04/04/2025 00:49

I have no problem on dates with different people, and no problem with say a 2nd date tonight and a different 2nd date tomorrow and kiss, but If I was keen on someone I would not sleep with someone else. Or if I did sleep with someone else they would be the person I go after. Maybe its my age (50)?

Yes, a couple of years ago I went on a lot of dates, 4 different ones in 1 week!! But with GF as soon as I had the 2nd date I stopped chatting to anyone.

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 04/04/2025 00:49

It would depend a bit on how you both remember those first dates. If you both consider that to be the start of your relationship, eg you’d celebrate that date as an anniversary or remember the places you went on those early dates as somewhere special etc then it would be more hurtful to know you’d shagged someone else during that time. If it was just coffee/casual drinks and your first memorable dates came later then it wouldn’t be such a big deal.

When I met my XP we had an amazing night, with lots of memorable moments that became relationship ‘lore’. We marked that date and went to the same restaurant every year. To find out he’d been seeing other women during that time would have been heartbreaking. I’d honestly rather not know.

With current DP our early dates were low key, one or two drinks, getting to know each other chats, no kissing. Obvs I’d rather not hear that he was seeing others back then, but it wouldn’t feel like such a betrayal as our relationship wasn’t really established until much later on.

Either way, if you since had the exclusive chat then you’re off the hook, as anything before that doesn’t count. But even if nothing was officially marked, I wouldn’t fess up about this as it will only be to make you feel less guilty. The effect on him will be only negative.

Dery · 04/04/2025 01:01

Not cheating. It was extremely early on and before your current relationship had developed.

Pushandpull25 · 04/04/2025 01:10

@Springcleaning85 not cheating but if I was him and found this out I wouldn’t want to see you again. If it had just been the talking stages or even just one date then maybe but being 3 dates in and then sleeping with someone else would be a deal breaker for me.

Anotherparkingthread · 04/04/2025 01:13

Not cheating but I wouldn't continue to see somebody if I found this out and I'd be pretty pissed off they hasn't disclosed it as well eg if I found out years later.

Italiangreyhound · 04/04/2025 01:16

Not cheating at all.

Viviennemary · 04/04/2025 01:25

Pretty immoral behaviour I would say.

blacksax · 04/04/2025 01:46

Viviennemary · 04/04/2025 01:25

Pretty immoral behaviour I would say.

Why?

Seeingsomone · 04/04/2025 05:25

blacksax · 04/04/2025 01:46

Why?

Show quote history

She’s clearly realised that she is feeling guilty and for good reason.

This poor guy is probably thinking it’s all lovely and places sentimental value on early dates and the feelings he had. It’s an exciting time.

meanwhile, she’s just getting banged by another guy. It’s horrible behaviour.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 04/04/2025 05:30

ouch321 · 03/04/2025 22:49

Stuff like this is how I know I don't fit in the modern world.

I think (and I know I'm the outlier as evidenced by all the other responses on the thread saying it's totally cool) this behaviour is repulsive, using and discarding of people like they're disposable cutlery.

10 years ago, this was not the norm. "Exclusive" wasn't a word used in this context of dating. You'd be seeing Person A and that was it.

Really ? 10 years ago ? So 2015 ? I did this or things like this all the time in the '90's as did many of the people I knew. We used to say " what goes on on tour, stays on tour". Of course it was much less likely to be discovered as no internet. We are all now boringly married.

Glitchymn1 · 04/04/2025 05:32

Not cheating, but if I was seeing someone and found out they’re out seeing and bedding other people, I’d be off like a shot. Why not concentrate on one person at a time….

TheBuffetInspector · 04/04/2025 05:34

Seeingsomone · 03/04/2025 22:38

You should tell him really.

I found out about my partner doing this and it destroyed me. I thought we were enjoying each other and stupidly assumed honesty.

this world of multiple partners is cruel and the reason why everyone is single.

sit him down and tell him the truth. Otherwise it will burn away inside you forever.

plus. Things have a habit of
coming out of the woodworks.

Show quote history

Oh no, don't do this!

It wasn't cheating, just make sure you never mention it!

Apart from on MN.

TheBuffetInspector · 04/04/2025 05:36

Seeingsomone · 03/04/2025 22:38

You should tell him really.

I found out about my partner doing this and it destroyed me. I thought we were enjoying each other and stupidly assumed honesty.

this world of multiple partners is cruel and the reason why everyone is single.

sit him down and tell him the truth. Otherwise it will burn away inside you forever.

plus. Things have a habit of
coming out of the woodworks.

Show quote history

Sorry I'm being nosey...

How did you find out?

Seeingsomone · 04/04/2025 05:42

TheBuffetInspector · 04/04/2025 05:36

Sorry I'm being nosey...

How did you find out?

Show quote history

After a couple of drinks his story changed about our first dates period and I got suspicious. So he revealed all.

TheBuffetInspector · 04/04/2025 05:52

Seeingsomone · 04/04/2025 05:42

After a couple of drinks his story changed about our first dates period and I got suspicious. So he revealed all.

Show quote history

Ahh...

Were you glad to know in spite of the hurt?

Did that instantly break you up or was it that 'one thing' that you couldn't let go of. I know that once there one thing, there's going to be two!

I don't know, are you still together?

This is like Trisha 🤣 (I nearly said Question Time lol)

Seeingsomone · 04/04/2025 06:05

It hurt for a while tbh. I didn’t trust him either as some of the nights he’d been with her he’d lied about his whereabouts. We also had unprotected sex too. But when you’re in the early throws and have talked about how hard dating is, it’s horrible to hear about him with someone else when you thought you were both in the same place.

we are together but if I’d found out now (1 year in) I’d probably end it. 3 months in you’re still revealing stuff.

TheBuffetInspector · 04/04/2025 06:09

Seeingsomone · 04/04/2025 06:05

It hurt for a while tbh. I didn’t trust him either as some of the nights he’d been with her he’d lied about his whereabouts. We also had unprotected sex too. But when you’re in the early throws and have talked about how hard dating is, it’s horrible to hear about him with someone else when you thought you were both in the same place.

we are together but if I’d found out now (1 year in) I’d probably end it. 3 months in you’re still revealing stuff.

I'm glad, I wish you all the best!

I do think personally that ignorance would be bliss for me.

Luckily I'm too old for that now 😂

RedHelenB · 04/04/2025 06:19

Bluemoonbluebell · 04/04/2025 00:18

I always thought ‘being exclusive’ was an American thing. I am older and settled now, but it wasn’t a thing when I was younger. You saw one person at a time. Times have changed I guess.

This.

category12 · 04/04/2025 06:35

If you weren't at the stage of having sex with your now-boyfriend and had only had a couple of dates, I don't see it as an issue.

I think it's a bit weird that people think you should magically know from the first coffee date (or whatever it was) that it was going to become Something. You probably didn't even know if there would be a second or third date at that point.

MsBette · 04/04/2025 06:41

I would only ever date one person at a time, and would expect the same. Just as well I’m older and married now I suppose, if that’s not the norm.

SparklyGlitterballs · 04/04/2025 06:43

ouch321 · 03/04/2025 22:49

Stuff like this is how I know I don't fit in the modern world.

I think (and I know I'm the outlier as evidenced by all the other responses on the thread saying it's totally cool) this behaviour is repulsive, using and discarding of people like they're disposable cutlery.

10 years ago, this was not the norm. "Exclusive" wasn't a word used in this context of dating. You'd be seeing Person A and that was it.

Glad it's not just me. I hate all this "we weren't exclusive" stuff nowadays as an excuse to shag around. However, I accept it's a generational thing and akin to how my own mother would have viewed the dating scene in my youth, compared to how she was 'courted' by my father. Times change, though not necessarily for the better (IMO).

AlwaysCoffee25 · 04/04/2025 06:48

OchreRaven · 03/04/2025 22:27

That’s cross over, not cheating in my opinion.

Often when people are dating there will be emotional or physical cross over with another person before the new relationship gets serious and becomes exclusive.

I’m sure your current partner would not like to know about it and would be hurt because he now has feelings for you, but taken as a snapshot in time those feelings were not the same then and neither of you knew what it would become.

I have been in this situation and you do feel guilt later down the line once feelings have developed but that’s just because you are a decent person.

Exactly. I snogged a man on a night out after a few dates with my now DH. I did get the guys number but didn’t take it any further as realised I wanted to give DH a chance. I never told DH - that was nearly ten years ago!