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Would you consider this cheating?

131 replies

Springcleaning85 · 03/04/2025 21:58

I've been seeing someone for 3 months and we are exclusive. We met on a dating app and the first 2 weeks of seeing him and chatting to him, I went on a couple of dates with another guy and had sex with him.
We had only been on 3 dates by the point when I slept with the other guy and there were no chats about exclusivity etc. I also hadn't had sex with my current guy by that point either or even kissed him.
Just wanting to know would this be seen as cheating? I never saw the other guy again after the first 2 weeks as realised I really liked the guy I'm with now.
I don't know why but I do feel a bit icky for having sex with someone else while we were chatting , seeing each other and having a lovely time together.
In my defence, I was keeping my options open and found the other guy attractive and funny at the time.

OP posts:
Simplegazette · 04/04/2025 08:13

I can relate. It's difficult. It happened to me when looking for a car, I went with the Toyota in the end, over the Volvo even though that was a great ride
I'll never tell the Toyota though, I just hope they don't bump into each other.

Seeingsomone · 04/04/2025 08:26

Simplegazette · 04/04/2025 08:13

I can relate. It's difficult. It happened to me when looking for a car, I went with the Toyota in the end, over the Volvo even though that was a great ride
I'll never tell the Toyota though, I just hope they don't bump into each other.

Says it all. Human feelings being linked to things

Simplegazette · 04/04/2025 08:35

Seeingsomone · 04/04/2025 08:26

Says it all. Human feelings being linked to things

That was partially my point - the commodification of personal relationships.

Naunet · 04/04/2025 08:42

VoodooQualities · 04/04/2025 00:09

Does he have lovely memories of those dates with you and imagine you were falling for him? If so, poor man.

What happened happened but my goodness, stories like this make me really sad.

Falling for her after 3 dates?!!

You can't cheat on someone you're not in a relationship with OP, and just because some people here get over invested in someone they've spent a matter of hours with, it doesn't mean you've done anything wrong.

ThisUniqueDreamer · 04/04/2025 08:45

Naunet · 04/04/2025 08:42

Falling for her after 3 dates?!!

You can't cheat on someone you're not in a relationship with OP, and just because some people here get over invested in someone they've spent a matter of hours with, it doesn't mean you've done anything wrong.

Yes 3 dates. You know if there's chemistry after 3 dates.

It's attitudes like this why so many people are single.

Meet someone you like, go on a few dates and keep fucking other people just in case.

It's disgraceful

Seeingsomone · 04/04/2025 08:46

Dots join easily. All it takes is one word and he will be suspicious.

best to clear the air

Naunet · 04/04/2025 08:51

ThisUniqueDreamer · 04/04/2025 08:45

Yes 3 dates. You know if there's chemistry after 3 dates.

It's attitudes like this why so many people are single.

Meet someone you like, go on a few dates and keep fucking other people just in case.

It's disgraceful

So what if there's chemistry or not, that doesn't build relationships. 3 dates is a matter of hours, it's nothing, you hardly know the person. There's nothing disgraceful about being single and dating, and despite your projection, I've been in a very happy relationship for 15 years, not that there is anything at all wrong with being single either.

AlwaysCoffee25 · 04/04/2025 08:53

Bluemoonbluebell · 04/04/2025 07:07

Back in the day you had to meet people in real life and not online, so it would be unusual to have dates with 3 different people lined up.
Didn’t call them dates either, not where I was anyway.

Well OP is in the here and now.

NameChangedOfc · 04/04/2025 09:23

ouch321 · 03/04/2025 22:49

Stuff like this is how I know I don't fit in the modern world.

I think (and I know I'm the outlier as evidenced by all the other responses on the thread saying it's totally cool) this behaviour is repulsive, using and discarding of people like they're disposable cutlery.

10 years ago, this was not the norm. "Exclusive" wasn't a word used in this context of dating. You'd be seeing Person A and that was it.

Same here...

NameChangedOfc · 04/04/2025 09:29

Naunet · 04/04/2025 08:42

Falling for her after 3 dates?!!

You can't cheat on someone you're not in a relationship with OP, and just because some people here get over invested in someone they've spent a matter of hours with, it doesn't mean you've done anything wrong.

But this is the issue, thinking that dedicating a respectful amount of time to another person is "overinvesting". Why? When did we went so out of time that we can't even sit with our own impressions, sensations and feelings without having a crazy kind of FOMO for more and more experiences? I mean we are talking about finding a life partner here, not trying out new outfits.

Naunet · 04/04/2025 09:53

NameChangedOfc · 04/04/2025 09:29

But this is the issue, thinking that dedicating a respectful amount of time to another person is "overinvesting". Why? When did we went so out of time that we can't even sit with our own impressions, sensations and feelings without having a crazy kind of FOMO for more and more experiences? I mean we are talking about finding a life partner here, not trying out new outfits.

Dedicating a respectful amount of time? What do you mean by that? She did dedicate time, she went on a few dates, spent a few hours, all without getting over invested, like a rational human. It's not about fomo, it's just what dating is, meeting people and finding the one you'd like to build something with. Why does that mean she can't go on dates with others too? What do you think the difference is between dating and being in a rationship?

Naunet · 04/04/2025 09:53

NameChangedOfc · 04/04/2025 09:29

But this is the issue, thinking that dedicating a respectful amount of time to another person is "overinvesting". Why? When did we went so out of time that we can't even sit with our own impressions, sensations and feelings without having a crazy kind of FOMO for more and more experiences? I mean we are talking about finding a life partner here, not trying out new outfits.

Double post

Springcleaning85 · 04/04/2025 10:08

We never talked about being exclusive, this was literally in the first 2 weeks of meeting him.
I think because I don't think he was seeing anyone else from the offset, so that's why I do feel a bit bad about it and wish I could take it back.

OP posts:
Springcleaning85 · 04/04/2025 10:10

Also to add I was not shagging them both at the same time, I slept with the 2 week guy and then a couple weeks later slept with the current one. By that stage I hadn't been speaking to the 2 week guy for a couple weeks and haven't spoken to or texted him since

OP posts:
Seeingsomone · 04/04/2025 10:11

Springcleaning85 · 04/04/2025 10:08

We never talked about being exclusive, this was literally in the first 2 weeks of meeting him.
I think because I don't think he was seeing anyone else from the offset, so that's why I do feel a bit bad about it and wish I could take it back.

Just tell him. Get it done.

most guys understand this stuff. It’s going to burn away in you.

Springcleaning85 · 04/04/2025 10:12

I'm thinking if the shoe was on the other foot, I don't think it would be a deal breaker for me. I wouldn't like it but I would acknowledge that we weren't together properly and it was in the first 2 weeks. As long as he has shown he is fully done with it and committed to me now then I would accept that

OP posts:
BlondiePortz · 04/04/2025 10:12

ouch321 · 03/04/2025 22:49

Stuff like this is how I know I don't fit in the modern world.

I think (and I know I'm the outlier as evidenced by all the other responses on the thread saying it's totally cool) this behaviour is repulsive, using and discarding of people like they're disposable cutlery.

10 years ago, this was not the norm. "Exclusive" wasn't a word used in this context of dating. You'd be seeing Person A and that was it.

This, but these days sexualising partners are like cattle it seems

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 04/04/2025 10:28

Seeingsomone · 04/04/2025 05:25

She’s clearly realised that she is feeling guilty and for good reason.

This poor guy is probably thinking it’s all lovely and places sentimental value on early dates and the feelings he had. It’s an exciting time.

meanwhile, she’s just getting banged by another guy. It’s horrible behaviour.

Slut shaming language there. Op is not a receptacle for a man's "banging", she has agency and (hopefully) banged the other guy as enthusiastically as he did

Viviennemary · 04/04/2025 10:28

Seeingsomone · 04/04/2025 05:25

She’s clearly realised that she is feeling guilty and for good reason.

This poor guy is probably thinking it’s all lovely and places sentimental value on early dates and the feelings he had. It’s an exciting time.

meanwhile, she’s just getting banged by another guy. It’s horrible behaviour.

Quite. If a man was doing this he'd be slammed by nearly everybody.

category12 · 04/04/2025 10:29

Posh ladies used to signal gentlemen with their fans, there was a whole language around it. I expect people were quite outraged about the evolution of dating back then too.

Social mores change.

LUBAR · 04/04/2025 10:49

No, it's not cheating as you were not exclusive. By the way, if the shoe were on the other foot, men do this all the time when they are dating several women at once but not exclusive with any of them (which is the reason why they don't want to be exclusive with anyone they're 'seeing' in the first place!). Men are notorious for dating several women at once when they're in the early days of 'OLD'.

Chunkilumptious · 04/04/2025 10:49

God I hate this new format that makes it hard to look through others messages in chronological form without scrolling through the lot. I've read OP's and a few others but apologies if I am repeating points made.

So you were dating, presumably online. Had 3 dates with A whom you'd like to keep seeing. No talk of exclusivity. Meanwhile you had a quick fling with B, shagged twice. Fine.

So modern online dating suggests no you weren't cheating.

The whole exclusivity etiquette is pragmatic but if you really hit it off with someone, feelings for have a role from early on. First date, often. He may well be hurt if you tell him that the early stages involved you sleeping with someone else therefore not that excited about meeting you.

You weren't in the wrong, no. It wouldn't endear me to you though and I may feel put off at an early stage. In bleating 'we weren't exclusive ' wouldn't prevent me being out off. It may take some time to decide whether it was a deal-breaker but in all honesty I think I'd just wish you'd kept your gob shut (unless it was someone I knew closely), and things would fizzle.

My point is, it's acceptable, not cheating as there was no agreement. Nothing to declare. Similarly there is no obligation for him to know. You can maintain a clear conscience and get on with the relationship without feeling the need to blurt this out. That would only make you feel better.

It isn't disgraceful or anything like that, you haven't deceived anyone. I would just feel disappointed. A special connection doesn't start with knowing about my DP shagging someone else the week after meeting me even if he can because we haven't agreed not to do so. Might be a complex mix of ego, other emotions and convention coming into play but I urge you to keep this to yourself. The fact it wasn't a one off I think would make it feel worse.

BobbyBiscuits · 04/04/2025 10:59

Cheating has to be with knowledge you're in an exclusive relationship. You can't cheat otherwise, so no. He or you could've slept with a hundred people in that time frame, and that would also be fine. No need to mention or dwell on it. Unless it's because you're having feelings for the other bloke?

ThisUniqueDreamer · 04/04/2025 11:32

BobbyBiscuits · 04/04/2025 10:59

Cheating has to be with knowledge you're in an exclusive relationship. You can't cheat otherwise, so no. He or you could've slept with a hundred people in that time frame, and that would also be fine. No need to mention or dwell on it. Unless it's because you're having feelings for the other bloke?

When did this exclusive relationship nonsense start? A vulgar import from the US.

Call me old fashioned but if you start dating someone all others should be put on hold. If it doesn't work out you can start again. This multi dating multi shagging is grim.

BobbyBiscuits · 04/04/2025 11:38

ThisUniqueDreamer · 04/04/2025 11:32

When did this exclusive relationship nonsense start? A vulgar import from the US.

Call me old fashioned but if you start dating someone all others should be put on hold. If it doesn't work out you can start again. This multi dating multi shagging is grim.

I don't disagree. But surely an overlap of one shag with one person at the very early stages could be excused? The 'exclusive' chat does seem a new-ish phenomenon. It wasn't really a thing when I was younger. But once I was dating someone seriously I'd only be sleeping with them.

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