Autistic DS9 - DH has “had enough”

[Vinvertebrate]

Really need the hive mind on this because I can’t think straight. (For full disclosure, I had major surgery a week ago and I’m still physically/emotionally wobbly).

DS9 was diagnosed autistic at 3, and has many related ND conditions, including ADHD, dyspraxia, sensory processing disorder and PDA. He attended PT nursery from 9 months, and his differences were flagged straight away. Things like not parallel playing, avoiding noise, food/sleep refusal, repetitive movements, lashing out at peers etc. He was thrown out of the local prep after Reception, which he only got through with a reduced timetable and a FT 1:1 from pre-school onwards. He then went to a MS state primary, which also “could not meet need” and is finally in a specialist school, which he (thankfully) loves.

I’m as sure as i can be that DS does not simply need better discipline, and his differences are innate. I’ve been through denial, shame, grief, disappointment and finally resignation. DS is bright, affectionate, chatty, happy, but very challenging and still has meltdowns/violent outbursts.

I have a FT job and some caring responsibilities for a family member. I pick up all the slack with DS’ AN - school, LA/EHCP, pediatrician, OT, Ed Psych, SALT etc.

DH has been hectoring DS tonight over lots of small things - accidentally missing the toilet whilst weeing, not eating tea, a broken kitchen item. DS has been in tears, and I’ve tried to smooth it over, but ultimately DS lost it and socked DH in the face. DS was immediately contrite and tearful. After DS went to sleep, DH sat down on the bed and calmly told me that he couldn’t do this anymore, that he’d never wanted a child (I was definitely more keen than him tbf), and that having DS had ruined his life. I asked him to clarify what he meant and he said “I don’t want this. I don’t want him”. I said that he was making me wonder whether I should get DS away from him for DS’ psychological protection, and he said “I wish you would”. He made it clear that he believes my parenting is to blame for DS’ behaviour.

I’m just sitting here blindsided. I’m NT (afaik) but I was abandoned by my dad at a similar age and I am heartbroken for DS. I know DS is hard work, but if his own dad can’t say anything positive then what hope is there? I’ve always known I’d have to protect DS from the world, but I didn’t expect DH to be amongst the first to take a swipe at him.

I’d be grateful for any advice or anyone willing to share thoughts or similar experiences. and thanks for reading if you’ve got this far.

Agree with this. It’s very easy to turn this into a ‘crap men’ thread, but I can’t bring myself to judge somebody who has been living with the pressure of a violent autistic child for the best part of a decade. He sounds worn down.

It’s not early. Mine are now 24 and 17 - both were at nursery at 7 months as were most of my friends’ DC then. No one had a year off then.

Well this particular man wasn’t keen or pushing for parenthood. It’s clear that he made a huge mistake from his POV in acquiescing.

So what are we saying? Most men don’t want to be fathers? So it’s up to women to do the lion’s share of the work to raise the next generations while the men get to focus predominantly on themselves?

I'm sure plenty of men want to be fathers. Some don't want to be dads though.

A proper dad does the work.

They had IVF FFS. He wasn't coerced or tricked into fatherhood. He might regret it but he needs to own his choice and not blame OP.

It’s up to women to select as mates men who are very enthusiastic and proactive about parenthood, not those who are “less keen.”

So you're blaming women again 🙄

Give over. If men don't want kids they can use condoms or get a vasectomy. It's not up to women to do the bulk of the work because men can't communicate, or take responsibility for their own actions.

That’s like saying if women don’t want kids they should use their (much bigger array) of contraceptives, the morning after pill or an abortion. Nobody says that on here, everyone feigns surprise when somebody says they’re ’accidentally pregnant’

It sounds like he wasn’t cut out to be a parent but went along with it to make OP happy. Her DS isn’t a toddler, he’s nearly 10 - so he’s been parenting a very challenging child for nearly a decade, when he didn’t really want a child to start with.

That’s not to say he can now run off and abdicate all responsibility, he can’t. But I think if the sexes were reversed everyone would be singing a different tune.

No, I’m saying we have the power to select the best possible fathers for our offspring.

Exactly this. Lazy men taking no responsibility for contraception.

We need to start talking to sons about this EARLY. 6 or 7. Telling them to control their fertility, in the same way we talk to girls.

But how do you tell if a man's genuinely enthusiastic, going along with it or outright misleading you? And does he even know in many cases? A lot of men have zero responsibility for anyone other than themselves before kids come along. Even if they're not intentionally misleading their partners, they may not actually have much/any idea how they'll react to the sleeplessness, stress, powerlessness and general noise chaos and tons of laundry of an infant, never mind if there are SEND.

I spent YEARS testing my husband in various ways before I decided to go ahead and even then I was taken aback by how crap he turned out to be with the paperwork and planning ahead aspects of parenting (he's pretty good with the practical stuff fortunately). The structural sexism of society came as a bit of a shock too. I had genuinely not really been very aware of that prior to motherhood.

Newsflash: a man will lie about everything and anything to keep his bangmaid. Including lying about wanting children.

Bangmaid (noun): a housemaid that a man also gets to have sex with. Portmanteau of bang (in the sexual sense) and maid (the domestic worker). See also: wife, girlfriend, fiancée.

Newsflash: contraceptives can and do fail. If they didn't, I wouldn't have panicked and gone running to the pharmacy for pregnancy tests when my period was last late. I had a copper IUD in at the time, and if it could not fail, I wouldn't have been worried enough to fork over ££ on two tests.

The overwhelming majority of the time, women are using contraception to successfully prevent pregnancy. You just don't hear about it because no one posts a thread saying "I am not pregnant, on contraception, and don't want a baby, what should I do?"

We really don't. As @Wishyouwerehere50 said, "most adults are incredibly flawed, they lie, they lack the integrity and authenticity of a child". Men can lie for years to keep a woman in their beds.

Nice idea in theory. In reality, some men seem as if they'd be good fathers and then let their children (and the mother of those children) down.

There are children, teens, adults with challenging behaviour and needs who can’t live with their family and are placed in residential care because their families can’t meet their needs. This is not as simplistic as OP’s DH wanting to opt out of a stereotypical family life and it’s insulting to parents struggling with their disabled children to suggest otherwise.

I think this is true. I think it’s the structural sexism of society that is the biggest problem. That’s exactly why more men than women opt out, in the case of NT or ND children.

We are all responsible for our own in/actions.

Whether that's contraception or conception.

In this case for OP contraception wasn't needed because it was through the gruelling process of IVF where you're regularly asked about whether you consent as a couple and individual to ensure nobody is being coerced into a choice that results in a whole human life which they're responsible for, for at least 18 years.

If OPs partner didn't want a baby or understand all humans are 1 accident away from disability or can be born with disabilities that cannot be detected in utero, then he should not have consented.

On a more general scale, nobody, man or woman, should have a child if they're not ready for everything that comes with having children, including the possibility of a disability. The huge difference though between men and women is it's mostly men that walk away because they cannot take responsibility and it's women who continue to assume responsibility in spite of men.

We have power to choose but it's stacked against us all. Because our hormones and biology as females imo cause us a great deal of problems which include time not being on ones side and dare I say it, I myself see how rational thought is upended at times when hormones are proliferating. I really dislike that part of womanhood for me.

You have the problem where people change dramatically once children come along. I did myself change dramatically. I realised I did not have natural skills due to poor parenting of my own in childhood and thus had a great deal to learn. In hindsight I believe I actually wasn't really the best person to have children. I would never have known this before children as I had only just embarked upon therapy around the time of meeting partner and thought I'd be pretty amazing as a mum. I also had no idea my high achieving masking partner was Autistic! There are similarities with OPs situation tbh.

I have NOBODY to blame and I must take full responsibility. As must all these guys.

The blame element is really not acceptable. Whomever mentioned steamrolling, ridiculous. He has freedom and he went through with it.

I personally believe it's in the best interest of individuals and their well being if we have greater emphasis towards child free living. Less pressure on women and men to do this and encouragement towards cultivating themselves and their lives without this conspiracy like attitude towards reproduction.

We did IVF abroad and they didn't ask any of that stuff, nor was any counselling required. They didn't ask for proof we were married, either, which was required by the rules of that country. Fortunately we'd done all the required "work" ourselves anyway (well I had) but a couple absolutely could have stumbled into it without sufficient thought.

The other thing is people say "choose the most appropriate father" like you go to a kind of car supermarket for men. Whereas actually you evaluate one at a time and in fact there might be very few credible options. And an unknowable future.

Something like 1/3 of pregnancies are unplanned, also.

Completely disagree. If everyone really knew what parenting severely autistic children entails, very few people would have kids at all. Some of the parents I know are frankly suicidal.

What's so sad is it is very often the infrastructure problems that bring this about. If parents could access some form of respite, if we didn't have the catastrophic situation in school where kids are forced into mainstream now at a significant rate and forced to be ' normal' or face punitive consequences, often leading to mental he's crisis and school refusal. If parents could even access diagnostic services in the first place ,which many can't.

Then add the systemic insidious gaslighting of parents by education, local authorities and health services. I wonder how many marriages and individuals might better cope if this wasn't happening to them alongside the difficulty with behaviour as per OPs post.