Autistic DS9 - DH has “had enough”

[Vinvertebrate]

Really need the hive mind on this because I can’t think straight. (For full disclosure, I had major surgery a week ago and I’m still physically/emotionally wobbly).

DS9 was diagnosed autistic at 3, and has many related ND conditions, including ADHD, dyspraxia, sensory processing disorder and PDA. He attended PT nursery from 9 months, and his differences were flagged straight away. Things like not parallel playing, avoiding noise, food/sleep refusal, repetitive movements, lashing out at peers etc. He was thrown out of the local prep after Reception, which he only got through with a reduced timetable and a FT 1:1 from pre-school onwards. He then went to a MS state primary, which also “could not meet need” and is finally in a specialist school, which he (thankfully) loves.

I’m as sure as i can be that DS does not simply need better discipline, and his differences are innate. I’ve been through denial, shame, grief, disappointment and finally resignation. DS is bright, affectionate, chatty, happy, but very challenging and still has meltdowns/violent outbursts.

I have a FT job and some caring responsibilities for a family member. I pick up all the slack with DS’ AN - school, LA/EHCP, pediatrician, OT, Ed Psych, SALT etc.

DH has been hectoring DS tonight over lots of small things - accidentally missing the toilet whilst weeing, not eating tea, a broken kitchen item. DS has been in tears, and I’ve tried to smooth it over, but ultimately DS lost it and socked DH in the face. DS was immediately contrite and tearful. After DS went to sleep, DH sat down on the bed and calmly told me that he couldn’t do this anymore, that he’d never wanted a child (I was definitely more keen than him tbf), and that having DS had ruined his life. I asked him to clarify what he meant and he said “I don’t want this. I don’t want him”. I said that he was making me wonder whether I should get DS away from him for DS’ psychological protection, and he said “I wish you would”. He made it clear that he believes my parenting is to blame for DS’ behaviour.

I’m just sitting here blindsided. I’m NT (afaik) but I was abandoned by my dad at a similar age and I am heartbroken for DS. I know DS is hard work, but if his own dad can’t say anything positive then what hope is there? I’ve always known I’d have to protect DS from the world, but I didn’t expect DH to be amongst the first to take a swipe at him.

I’d be grateful for any advice or anyone willing to share thoughts or similar experiences. and thanks for reading if you’ve got this far.

@Needlenardlenoo nobody wants to talk about how to protect yourself, your dc and other dc when a violent meltdown is happening, 90 percent of it is about avoiding triggers, taking the emotional temperature, doing regulating activities, all well and good but of you have a dc at an age when they come out of school and go from 0 to raging for two hours…that help is nearly impossible to find.

@Vinvertebrate any sense that your dh and the leaving thing is because on some level he knows he’s not doing any good and feels stuck and alienated (for good reason as he needs to change)? Have you talked again about any of it?

Hi op,

your dh had a bad evening. His child went for his face and he tipped. It is NOT what anyone could hope for mainly because no parents ever disclose the worst moments ever they had to go through.

My first advice is : you went through different phases, where is your hubby at? Every parent can say things they immediately regret…it happens. putting the guilt on you sounds like denial and anger.

my second advice is : you can’t build your life around your kid with you doing 90% of it when you know said child will need more than anyone would do if you are not there. Think long and hard on what you need to put in place so that your child have chances if you were not there but your dh was.

My third advice is : trauma comes from a lot of things and at the risk of being slaughtered here…having a kid which needs are so different than others can be traumatic to some parents. Especially in this “non-village” era and you are your own person. “Is it bad?” is not the question…will he do and continue to do what the best is for his child whilst figuring out his own incapacities and difficulties is what matters. Like every single parent. Except that what others have to deal with doesn’t spring to the eyes of everyone.

Good luck 👌

I think you need to come up with a plan for the next 6-8 weeks which ends with DH leaving permanently. He has to leave you and DS in the house and give you way over child maintenance. Literally everything over and above a bedsit. He can get a second job if he wants. And then he walks away and never ever comes back.

The DH can organise therapy for himself. He can organise marriage counselling (and a babysitter). He can reflect on his own behaviour.

He could, you know, read his own son's EHCP and read books with advice or learn from other parents, by posting on a popular parenting forum.

He can do this! It's not another job to add to his wife's list. Especially when she's just had major surgery.

Tough question is it.

why men bugger off if they are not fully satisfied from their families. Well, they can create another one as the children are mainly “attached” to their mother and won’t go and knock at his door till later in life.

why women don’t…most women are literally programmed to carry them, doesn’t stop at 9 months.

If you get your DH out of the family home then you might find that the meltdowns actually decrease a lot. Your DS won’t be hectored, you won’t feel defensive and on edge about your parenting and you’ll be able to create a much safer and emotionally regulating environment

Well that’s absolutely true @Needlenardlenoo

@laraitopbanana surely we’ve got to mention society here - few bat an eyelid at a very part time dad who sees their dc one day in a fortnight, for holidays etc, whereas a mum that had that arrangement…

What do you mean? This is quite normal no? My son was 2 days a week from 10 months.

IME it’s one of the conditions of being referred for assessment.

I thought it was interesting that @BoredZelda said that her husband struggled with their daughter's autism diagnosis more than with her (I assume) physical disability. Let's face it, it's much easier to summon compassion for a physical disability, rather than something that most of the world defaults to labelling as 'bad behaviour' and 'poor parenting'.

It made me think about my exDH who is clearly ND himself and lacks compassion when the need is not obvious to him, but when it is obvious, he becomes compassion incarnate - because he's not unempathetic, he just needs very in-your-face cues. Then he's all action: what can I do to help? (I'm not suggesting for a moment that BoredZelda's DH is ND, but OP said her DH probably is.)

I do think people are missing the point - the OP's husband blamed her for their son's behaviour not because he's a bastard but because he hasn't accepted the diagnosis, therefore it must be someone's fault. It can't be his, so....

I cried when it became obvious that my son was on the autistic spectrum. I am so proud of him. But I cried and cried. If I could have wished it away, I would have.

My DS received a diagnosis at age 8 (many years ago). Once my ex finally faced up to the nitty gritty - the books, articles, meetings with other parents and with "experts" - once he really understood that it was a disability, and not just 'bad behaviour' he became the best of advocates - he really took on board that his duty as a parent was to do his utmost for his son.

Before that, he was way off the mark, putting us all through hell with his parenting style. When he finally accepted the diagnosis he became part of the solution, rather than part of the problem (not saying he was perfect, otherwise he wouldn't be my ex 😂).

@Vinvertebrate I know your DH has had years to get used to this, but he's obviously been burying his head in the sand - cutting out school logos shows that he's absolutely not prepared to stand up and advocate for his son, that he's still pretending this hidden disability is not there.

I agree with @BoredZelda. I think it might be worth taking your time with your DH, let him voice his "unacceptable" feelings, let him grieve, help him accept the reality and maybe from there you can help him educate himself.

You were with him for almost 20 years before you had your son. I have to assume that he's a fairly good man. If that is the case, you can help him turn himself around and be an asset for your son.

If not, I'm sure that you and the community you can build will be all the advocate your son needs. You are a great mum and you love your son. You can do it.

I just googled - babies start walking from 10 to 18 months, it says - so what do they do with a non-walking baby - just put it in the cot in the nursery? Seriously?

I'd get off this wonderfully supportive thread and post your enquiries regarding this matter another place tbh

It pains me to see this. DS17 who is autistic and has dyspraxia often clashes with DP. Most of the time DP doesn’t even say anything but he gets the abuse. He’s still here fighting for DS at every turn. Never even thought about leaving. I just can’t fathom DP making such a statement/

I haven’t read the full thread but I would honestly just say “I know, I know it’s hard”. You don’t want him to leave (is the feeling I’m getting) he needs to know you see it’s hard for him too (I completely get that you are taking the load here). Ultimately if you don’t want him to go, recognise his feelings, tell him you have felt that way at times too and try to band together. Make it something you can work on together, be open to his perspective even if you have been left alone to think about everything and make decisions and he’s absented himself. I am only saying this because you don’t want him to leave not because I think he’s dealt with this very well or because I think you should go easy on him for any reason.

I have a difficult NT child, at one point I was in tears, wailing that I couldn’t do it anymore and DH just empathised rather than made me feel bad for the fact that I had just hit a bit of a low point. I know it’s not the same and our situations aren’t comparable (DH is much better at managing DC than me if I’m being honest) but it made such a difference to receive compassion instead of judgement. i’ve told DH that I shouldn’t have had a child (I relented because I felt that he would always regret not being a dad and tbf he’s genuinely a great dad) , I’m not equipped to be a mother and it’s ruined my life. I was the primary target of physical lashing out and it was awful. I think the fact that your DH is possibly autistic will probably make this harder for him, if he has rigid thinking and struggles with your child being “too much” then it may just be that as a ND person he struggles to cope.

You're not sergeant-major parenting at all. Sergeant-major would be making him remain in the room without reacting when you tell your other child off, the way that soldiers have to stand motionless on the parade ground whilst getting yelled at. You are teaching your son the absolutely vital skill of recognising when he is getting agitated and you are giving him permission to leave a situation that distresses him.

Firstly, you're doing good! Sorry to say, I think you're going to have to deal with life without DH. I would suggest start to investigate your options and make a plan from that. You cannot be responsible for every one's happy time. So you have to prioritise who needs you most. Hope all goes well for you

First thought - your DH is an arsehole.

reading more of your posts I’m thinking this sounds like someone who is in denial and hasn't accepted the diagnosis …yet. I work in SEN and I love my job and the children. Would I be the same if I was the parent? I can’t possibly say (I’d like to think I would be) because until you have walked a mile in someone’s shoes you can’t possibly understand. I know that you have accepted this and understand how to deal with behaviours and that is something your DH needs to learn. My advice would honestly be that when you are feeling better and stronger have a proper in depth conversation about how you both feel. The good, the bad and the ugly all with no judgement. If your DH is willing to try and move forward looking at ways to read the situation better and do what is right for your son then give him a chance to try. If he isn’t then I would be separating and doing the best I could for my child by myself. Life will be hard enough without a negative father there.

Wouldn't it be lovely to be a rotten piece of garbage and float through life insulting people when you feel like it and thinking you can just abandon a child, and expect those around you to just take it on the chin? To have never matured beyond the age of about two and still expect people to respect you and take you seriously...

Yes to this.

When I worked in a special school, we worked by the ethos that you’d always reach your hand to them, to pull them up. They might never take your hand but you offer it every single day.

@Vinvertebrate - I've been in similar circumstances. My DS was diagnosed at 5 and was an absolute handful and continued to be until shortly after I split from my ex. My ex was useless, couldn't cope, went to the pub. We split.
I think the difference/breakthrough in my DS came about due to me having much more time to concentrate on him. I did all the parenting classes solo, studied ASD, joined groups. I adopted a calm persona and brought myself down to DS way of thinking. Some behaviours really didn't matter eg eating under the table at restaurants - it's not harming anyone, for instance. Social Stories were my saviour - prepped my DS for almost every eventuality. It was hard work but all the better for not having a useless DH who wouldn't take strategies on board. My parents were a godsend, friends not so much. ASD groups great for seeing you're not alone.

I'm happy to report that my DS in a teenager now and outwardly he functions well. People probably think I'm bringing up a Mummy's boy but let them think that. He needs micro managing to function and that's ok. We have a wonderful relationship. He's sociable, bright, polite, caring and very happy in himself. I and DS still see his DF, the split was amicable, on that we agreed for the sake of DS.

What I'm saying OP is that if you do decide to go it alone, it could be a good thing. Your DC needs stability more than anything else. Even without being ND, kids do better without underlying tension etc between parents.

So many men allow themselves to be wheedled into parenthood, because they want to get along, not because they really want children.

Family pressure, or wanting to continue to have sex if they never had much luck dating, or not wanting the financial brunt of divorce, are the main reasons I’ve observed in a long lifetime.

We need to make it socially acceptable to be childfree. Then maybe there will be fewer shitty fathers.

Agree. His despair is understandable, especially if he had to be talked round to fatherhood in the first place.

Waking up every single day thinking “if only” and knowing there are decades slog ahead is pretty damn grim.

@TheHerboriste absolutely. He's resentful because he didn't want kids in the first place it sounds like. Society will never want huge swathes of men to grow a backbone and say "no kids" though so it won't happen.