Autistic DS9 - DH has “had enough”

[Vinvertebrate]

Really need the hive mind on this because I can’t think straight. (For full disclosure, I had major surgery a week ago and I’m still physically/emotionally wobbly).

DS9 was diagnosed autistic at 3, and has many related ND conditions, including ADHD, dyspraxia, sensory processing disorder and PDA. He attended PT nursery from 9 months, and his differences were flagged straight away. Things like not parallel playing, avoiding noise, food/sleep refusal, repetitive movements, lashing out at peers etc. He was thrown out of the local prep after Reception, which he only got through with a reduced timetable and a FT 1:1 from pre-school onwards. He then went to a MS state primary, which also “could not meet need” and is finally in a specialist school, which he (thankfully) loves.

I’m as sure as i can be that DS does not simply need better discipline, and his differences are innate. I’ve been through denial, shame, grief, disappointment and finally resignation. DS is bright, affectionate, chatty, happy, but very challenging and still has meltdowns/violent outbursts.

I have a FT job and some caring responsibilities for a family member. I pick up all the slack with DS’ AN - school, LA/EHCP, pediatrician, OT, Ed Psych, SALT etc.

DH has been hectoring DS tonight over lots of small things - accidentally missing the toilet whilst weeing, not eating tea, a broken kitchen item. DS has been in tears, and I’ve tried to smooth it over, but ultimately DS lost it and socked DH in the face. DS was immediately contrite and tearful. After DS went to sleep, DH sat down on the bed and calmly told me that he couldn’t do this anymore, that he’d never wanted a child (I was definitely more keen than him tbf), and that having DS had ruined his life. I asked him to clarify what he meant and he said “I don’t want this. I don’t want him”. I said that he was making me wonder whether I should get DS away from him for DS’ psychological protection, and he said “I wish you would”. He made it clear that he believes my parenting is to blame for DS’ behaviour.

I’m just sitting here blindsided. I’m NT (afaik) but I was abandoned by my dad at a similar age and I am heartbroken for DS. I know DS is hard work, but if his own dad can’t say anything positive then what hope is there? I’ve always known I’d have to protect DS from the world, but I didn’t expect DH to be amongst the first to take a swipe at him.

I’d be grateful for any advice or anyone willing to share thoughts or similar experiences. and thanks for reading if you’ve got this far.

This. Words fail me how he could pick on his ds in this cruel way.

He has had ten years to wrap his head around all of this, get on board with adjusting his expactations, and become a good father and a good partner.

But no, he has spent that time indulging in denial and self pity, and even after an evening spent tormenting a vulnerable child, diddums must still be allowed to wallow in his disappointment and others will make excuses for him.

Yes.
the children are defo mainly for the women to care.

I'm pretty sure OP understands how difficult it is to care for a disabled child, given she's the one doing most of it most of the time. She's said in later posts that when her DS lashes out, more often than not it is at her. And yet, somehow, she's never turned round to her DH, shrugged and said "well I'm out, good luck to you".

People process things differently.

I’ll be honest my DH has a disabled son and he is now much older. He attacks his parents (carers, teachers, siblings) multiple times a day and it’s a lot. As his behaviour has grown worse, his size and strength increase, DH has struggled more and more (he is now a teen and so his strength etc makes it more difficult).

I used to manage fine but after being attacked so many times even I have had enough. I find it really difficult not to get upset and take it personally when I’ve been attacked and I mean punched/bitten/spat at/hair torn from my scalp by someone bigger than me. I admire my DH’s perseverance but he is now at a stage where he can’t cope. I don’t judge him and don’t think you can.

i think OP’s husband is right at the beginning of this and needs to accept things. Unless you’ve walked that path I don’t think you can judge.

It’s also incredibly lonely and isolating - the invites drop off, my SS has never been invited to a birthday party, he can’t be around his younger siblings or cousins now so even visiting family is off the cards. Christmas we have to spend separately- younger DC visit family DH and SS at home. That’s alot to come to terms with.

Agreed - my dh spent oooh 5 years in this pattern - he was lucky though, he had a couple of friends who are parents, a good bit older than him and eventually, when he talked to them they helped him to change his perspective and actions slowly.

that’s why support groups online or wherever you find them can help so much - much less of the ‘everyone’s autistic these days’ ‘well I’ve always been clumsy it’s always been there’ etc etc

I’m really sorry @AlwaysCoffee25
from your two posts, this sounds incredibly difficult for you. You and your DH are so strong to cope. Sending love x

Things also evolve a lot - my SS as a five year old was a sweet, happy child who was delayed. As he’s got older he’s unfortunately regressed and become very irritable and volatile - so your expections, hopes and forecast for your child’s future is always changing too. There was a notion that my SS would “catch up” for many years and I think around 11 you accept they have reached their peak in terms of ability and potential to develop.

@AlwaysCoffee25 agree it’s always the expectations adjustments, usually triggered by a trough after a quiet/relatively stable spell that are painful, have you got a local carers group? A lot of people find those meets good but then, of course you have to be able to go, have that cover etc.

but to make a sweeping poor generalisation (sorry), a lot of men don’t have decent supportive friends and that can make things harder. Not that it’s easy for women to make supportive friends but the data shows that we’re more likely to have them…

This is very unrealistic. If this man is amoral enough to abandon his child, he will no doubt have been planning his escape to limit the financial hit to try to get some semblance of his old life back.

I expect he might have found coming to terms with his new life a bit easier if he had entered into parenthood entirely of his own free will. It seems he wasn’t keen on parenthood and had prescient doubts but to some degree which were steamrollered by the OP.

The child has my sympathies here.

@Nc500again I’m well supported thank
you and hope you are too. DH fortunately has family and friends - and me, who whilst I’m in the midst of it I can be slightly more objective as a step parent. Services also involved. But I agree it can be more difficult for men. I also think (and this was certainly true of my DH back in the day) that men spend less time around other children and so don’t recognise the contrasts until it becomes more apparent. My DH dealt with the situation by outright denying his son’s behaviour was problematic/challenging for many years. I’d say the last 3 years he’s really had to face facts and accept his son won’t reach the goals he imagined. It’s a period of grief imo.

Completely agree with that @AlwaysCoffee25 my dh was relying back to his own childhood, of a family with several nd family members for his ‘normal’ references. Not too bad now I was lucky to find some people that got it, early on.

I take a different view. We need to make it socially acceptable to hold men to account. Then maybe there will be fewer shitty fathers.

I’m still here, reading and thinking. 👋

I asked for opinions (and like arseholes, everybody has one!) so I will take the odd negative on the chin. But it is unfair to say that I “steamrollered” DH into having a child. We had IVF after many happy child free years together, not an illicit shag when we were pissed. The odds against pregnancy were high (PIGD with ICIS, a limited number of embryos, most of which tested positive for the gene, our advanced age), so perhaps DH was banking on it failing. Yes, I was more keen to have a baby, and DH wouldn’t have instigated the IVF process if I had not suggested it, but that’s not really the same as “steamrollering”, is it?

Anyway, DH managed to do DS’ bath and bed calmly and without incident last night. He’s still extremely pissed off with me, but I can deal with that if peace otherwise prevails. There’s a motorbike rally near us tomorrow and normally DS would avoid like the plague because of the noise. But he wants to go (with ear defenders) now he knows fresh wood-fired pizza is on offer. That’s my boy!

I will try to speak to DH tonight after DS is asleep. Thank you all again.

Hope you sort things out and both find a way to move forward as a family.

Thanks for the update OP. I too, hope you manage to sort things out as a family. I also wish you a speedy recovery.

It is already socially acceptable for men to be child free. They just choose to become fathers because they (temporarily) choose the variety if benefits that they get from sexual access to a woman or women and then they can easily shed the responsibility for the life they created by pretending to shock, regret, or incompetence. Honestly as a famous woman said, “if men could become pregnant abortion would be a sacrament “ and, frankly, infanticide would be as legal as under the romans.

Yes babies would be being left in trees for the fairies as in olden times. I always think, when I see any single mum done for neglect etc that the biological dad should be up on greater charges for being absent/uninvolved/unsupportive etc- I don’t know why no party holds dads to more account, except it’s a vote loser due to the number of men that vote for it!

@Vinvertebrate good update but I’m at a loss as to why your DH is pissed off with you, totally unreasonable

@Davros that's not entirely clear to me either! I suspect it’s because I failed to go full Mr. Bumble on DS after DH’s summons to tell me he’d been socked. (I told DS that he had made me very sad, and that any repeat incident would mean cancellation of <exciting, special-interest-related treat>.) Aware that makes me sound like a wimpy parent, but there’s no point escalating with a PDA child who has already lost it, especially at bedtime.

Yeah, your DH is most probably cross with himself but directing it outwards. Tedious, but explicable.

Have you tried NVR training ever? That was the best thing DH and tried out of the various things we did.

@Vinvertebrate I don't want to teach someone as wonderful as you to suck eggs. You sound pretty amazing to me in all honesty. This is just a thought....

Have you ever said to your son something like 'I understand how hard it is for you to manage your reactions. But we absolutely can't go round hitting people. Sometimes we just have to do what adults are telling us even if we don't like it. You've hurt your dad and it's a normal reaction for him to feel really annoyed and upset about this'.

Then something like ' I want to see you find ways to let your frustration out that doesn't involve hitting. I want you out in the garden more on the trampoline ( if you have one). I want you to tell me what other things help you feel calm and reduce your feelings of complete explosion? Let's talk about it tonight at bed' ( exercise is huge for my son is regulation).

I actually feel that there's a place for your son to understand that we have a hierarchy which means fathers are in charge. So ' Son, even if you are sad and stressed, you've whacked your dad. What do you think about that? You need to let him know you regret doing that '

This above - that's actually what I do with issues like this. I know my son's father desperately wants the above from me. I know he wants to do everything to give him a chance at making it out there in the world because he's bright. And that does mean that the accomodations sometimes need to be put second.

I might be ripped for this but - will my sadness and anxiety over some horrific health issues I have ( causing me to lose all tolerance ) make it ok to hit people? No one will give 2 shits what's going on with me if I hit people. No one.

Your DH - I don't like his cowardly conduct. Part of me does however feel that he needs to see you back him up a bit and put on the ' actions have consequences hat'. This is feeding into his upset.

Because I don't know your son it's hard to know the extent of capacity. I know some kids will just have none to understand what you're saying. PDA is different. He'll be incredibly capable of logically understanding this.

It's a really fine balance because I do believe as mum's we can go too far in over compensating. Even though he wouldn't do this if he wasn't PDA.

It's controversial but many PDA adults I really believe would support encouraging greater accountability.

It’s really hard to back someone up who has the wrong strategies though - a child who is melting down is only going to feel more unsafe and lash out more if you punish them in a hot state…

the best way of backing up in that case would’ve been to take over which is what we do when one of us has reached their limit.

your dh has to understand that punishing someone for being out of control is not going to achieve anything.

i agree though @Vinvertebrate my dh would be angry at himself and it looks the same as being angry at me really but it’s a more general thing.