Autistic DS9 - DH has “had enough”

[Vinvertebrate]

Really need the hive mind on this because I can’t think straight. (For full disclosure, I had major surgery a week ago and I’m still physically/emotionally wobbly).

DS9 was diagnosed autistic at 3, and has many related ND conditions, including ADHD, dyspraxia, sensory processing disorder and PDA. He attended PT nursery from 9 months, and his differences were flagged straight away. Things like not parallel playing, avoiding noise, food/sleep refusal, repetitive movements, lashing out at peers etc. He was thrown out of the local prep after Reception, which he only got through with a reduced timetable and a FT 1:1 from pre-school onwards. He then went to a MS state primary, which also “could not meet need” and is finally in a specialist school, which he (thankfully) loves.

I’m as sure as i can be that DS does not simply need better discipline, and his differences are innate. I’ve been through denial, shame, grief, disappointment and finally resignation. DS is bright, affectionate, chatty, happy, but very challenging and still has meltdowns/violent outbursts.

I have a FT job and some caring responsibilities for a family member. I pick up all the slack with DS’ AN - school, LA/EHCP, pediatrician, OT, Ed Psych, SALT etc.

DH has been hectoring DS tonight over lots of small things - accidentally missing the toilet whilst weeing, not eating tea, a broken kitchen item. DS has been in tears, and I’ve tried to smooth it over, but ultimately DS lost it and socked DH in the face. DS was immediately contrite and tearful. After DS went to sleep, DH sat down on the bed and calmly told me that he couldn’t do this anymore, that he’d never wanted a child (I was definitely more keen than him tbf), and that having DS had ruined his life. I asked him to clarify what he meant and he said “I don’t want this. I don’t want him”. I said that he was making me wonder whether I should get DS away from him for DS’ psychological protection, and he said “I wish you would”. He made it clear that he believes my parenting is to blame for DS’ behaviour.

I’m just sitting here blindsided. I’m NT (afaik) but I was abandoned by my dad at a similar age and I am heartbroken for DS. I know DS is hard work, but if his own dad can’t say anything positive then what hope is there? I’ve always known I’d have to protect DS from the world, but I didn’t expect DH to be amongst the first to take a swipe at him.

I’d be grateful for any advice or anyone willing to share thoughts or similar experiences. and thanks for reading if you’ve got this far.

There is middle ground isn’t there where you unpick together what happened the next day when all is calm.

I meant to quote Herboriste, who wrote: We need to make it socially acceptable to be childfree. Then maybe there will be fewer shitty fathers.

If he had any integrity, he'd have told OP "no kids" and got himself the snip. I don't see all these excuses about how hard it is to be childfree rolled out when women neglect kids.

He's got his kid now. He should step up, and if he doesn't then OP should squeeze him for every penny.

Oh totally. I'd never do it at the time, probably not even the same day.

Most anger is based in fear.( Not always of course)That's applicable to every human beyond PDA. So, if there's hope of getting through in society in the case of this young lad, it's going to help him to understand I. Adults do and say things sometimes we don't agree with or like ii.If I whacked a Policeman who started bossing me about and it triggered me, I'd pay a price for that.

There is something about PDA where kids don't understand the societal hierarchy and feel they're on the same level as adults. They aren't though.

I understand this is somewhat controversial.

We also don't know how much the dad was at him over silly things when they were alone.

Absolutely this. There are men out there who will say yes to everything, including kids they don't want, to keep their bangmaids from leaving.

yes - the dh here needs to understand the actual strategies that lead to unexpected behaviour settling and how you make it clear what isn’t ok later, much later.

I can entirely imagine the dad here desperate to regain ‘control’ and angry/scared as unexpected behaviour is happening, and he hasn’t developed himself the tools to manage, cope and understand it.

i know it’s hard to understand when they’re intelligent high masking types and it seems so obvious that what they’re doing isn’t working. It’s not as though there image any magic bullets or quick fixes.

Do it on your own, give up work, claim carers allowance and UC, have a lovely life with your child. My daughter is severely autistic and I do pretty much all of the parenting on my own. You will breathe a big sigh of relief when he is gone.

@Wishyouwerehere50I can only speak for myself but there is no way my PDA child could have processed that or responded to that at age 9. She has gradually gained more control of herself in the three years that have passed since then.

It's amygdala hijack with a lot of these kids. Their verbal ability can be running well ahead of their ability to regulate their behaviour.

@Nc500again you're right on that. I just don't think you can force them to see sense. We've had various professionals saying the same thing to the dad in my case about Autism, telling them it's inherited, he definitely is Autistic...and then it's almost like he's in denial again by the third professional saying the same thing. I honestly cannot understand it because it takes gaslighting to a whole other stratosphere. So it makes me think it's something else behind this ( especially if the father is Autistic). And I have no idea what.

I think DD understands the social hierarchy pretty well. She's bright and observant. She just doesn't care!

There is something about PDA where kids don't understand the societal hierarchy and feel they're on the same level as adults. They aren't though.

Or they simply object in principle to the existence of a social hierarchy. Why should one person be ranked above another? Especially when the rankings appear to be unearned and arbitrary.

And it's just hit me that I, as an adult, object to the existence of a social hierarchy and don't understand nor want to understand where I am on it.

"All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights", yeah?

This fits in perfectly with the common autistic trait of not obeying rules blindly but wanting to know why the rule exists first. "Why should I follow that rule?" matches perfectly with "who the hell are you to tell me what to do?"

You can only limit or manage triggers, you can’t remove them from life entirely so as someone else has said it’s about unpicking, learning, but also accepting that the behaviour displayed is likely a part of life with OP’s son and find a strategy for how to respond and de escalate when it happens.

Not understanding social hierarchy - part of the essence of autism

The thing about these kids is that they go from 0-100 in an instant. When they're calm you can have all the chats you like about coping mechanisms etc but these explosive emotions are overwhelming. They do tend to emotionally be about 2/3rds of their actual age, so a 9yo may seem more like a 6yo in terms of how excitable or frustrated/resilient etc they are. Also their parents spend a lot of effort tuning into the child and learning about parenting etc. These are not lazy parents.

Anyway OP, you may know already but these kids often improve massively from age 10 or so. They often swap hitting their carers for slamming doors or stamping or shouting. Then they continue to find other ways to express themselves, while also being able to cope with more.

Whatever happens with your relationship make sure you consider your own needs too. You can't pour from an empty cup. Let your husband know that if he wants to throw money at the situation, it has to be to help all of you, not just him.

@Needlenardlenoo @selffellatingouroborosofhate yes you've explained it perfectly, much more accurately. That's exactly what I experience. It's actually a pretty pure quality tbh.

And you know, it makes so much sense because most adults are incredibly flawed, they lie, they lack the integrity and authenticity of a child. They can't just be real. I value honesty and truth and not lying but it causes problems for us in life with other people. Can you imagine if I told people I know what I said on here. That would be the end of me in their life for most people.

I actually relate to this element of being Autistic/ PDA in particular! But it's not conducive to being parented and getting along in this world pre adulthood.

On the plus side we have a (probably) autistic little boy as a neighbour and DD is so, so, good with him. She gets him!

Part of me feels comfort in how many ND people are out there hiding in the shadows, and when they then find each other. My son spots them and they either come together well like magnets or clash terribly 😆

It's frustrating to read these ' everybody's autistic ' type things as the truth is, the population I truly believe is so much more significant than anyone realises.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. My best mate is a single mom to a neurodivergent lad - he's nearly 15, and people are still arguing over his diagnosis. He had all the classic symptoms of ADHD and PDA, and absolutely zero impulse control.

It's heartbreaking how the authorities are failing these children and their families, but it honestly sounds like your husband needs to educate himself more on his own child's condition.

In a way you've been relatively lucky with getting your son diagnosed relatively early and in a specialist school - my mate's lad didn't get a place until after he'd started secondary, by which point my friend had to give up work as the school refused to have him in full time, and kept calling her out. Her lad can be impulsive, aggressive, and extremely difficult, but he can also be incredibly sweet and considerate.

It sounds like your husband is struggling to accept the child you have, and is trying to brute force him into what he wants him to be... which simply will never work. The bit about your husband editing his son's school photos is heartbreaking, and I'd suggest he needs both parenting courses and therapy.

DH has gradually over the years found it very empowering to realise he's autistic as a result of DD being diagnosed.

Maybe one day he will notice his ADHD as well 😂.

Also have a ND DC of a similar age and her so-called father abandoned her years ago. I could never, ever say such a thing like your DH did and I have never thought anything like it, either. Your poor little boy. He’s going to abandon your DS, OP. I recognise the signs… Get him away from him before he’s abandoned by his Daddy.
I’m so, so sorry.

Hi op I'm a CWD social worker and a parent of a child with Send. Have you ever had an assessment of need from social services in terms of ds disability? You should be able to request one from your LA and to be able to access some sort of short break..this will vary according to LA ours have 2 levels one lower need which is access to supported social groups with no ongoing social worker involvement and one higher need one for more complex kids where you keep having a social worker. You could also ask about being assessed for direct payments ton employ a support worker. Ours are often tas from schools. I know you say that you have explored various things but if you haven't had one I'd be push and ask for an eligibility assessment. I obviously can't say based on a mumsnet post but I have similar sounding children that I work with for short breaks packages (respite but that's a term we are trying to use less)

To be fair to your husband, I’ve often felt that I’d leave my ASD son if you could, often more intensely after he’s hit me or we’re going through another round of difficulties with school. But I can’t as I’m a lone parent and it would mean sending him to live with my ex husband. It’s soul destroying, watching the life you wanted disappear out of the window and living with someone who actively seems to hate you. It’s not stellar behaviour but I can understand.

@BigCarMistake does the father ever help or look after him to allow you time to breathe 💐.

my ds and exh have a much more solid relationship now they're not living under the same roof and only spend 2 weekends a month together.. tbh, even when with him, ds just stays in his room playing his games.

ds & i have found our own rhythm and routine of working around the parent/child relationship while navigating the Audhd we both have.

its my daughter and myself that have the demand avoidance issues, and that can be more challenging... she is like a mini-me...

i can't lie, i do look forward to the weekends they're with their dad so i can just switch off for a bit, but they always tell me they're glad to come home again as this house is peaceful, private, and sensory friendly.

living together with their dad was hell for all of us, exh included.

most adults are incredibly flawed, they lie, they lack the integrity and authenticity of a child

And you've just explained my misanthropy...

Sorry OP for derailing your thread.

This is true for some men. But I think a lot of men father children without making a conscious decision to do so. They don't necessarily think that far; they enjoy sex and they don't have to deal with the consequences of unplanned pregnancy if they don't want to. They walk away and leave women to it (an abortion or pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood). Or they stick around but don't do their share of parenting.

I can't imagine many men opting out of fatherhood when there is a biological urge to reproduce and when it is possible for them to get a woman pregnant without having to take responsibility for parenting the child.