Our marriage has never been easy but by and large we have made it work. We have kids and a big mortgage, both work full time and I've always believed in making it work and staying together not least for the sake of the children.
He's always said I am not loving and affectionate enough. Specifically, he says he wants more compliments, gifts, flirty texts. He wants a lot of sex, though, he says its the quality, not the quantity. The sex is good and I would say averages out at at 1-2 times a week over the course of a month, though usually concentrated in a two week period when I am not on my period.
So why the issues. The things he wants and needs from me, I give to the best of my ability. But I need connection, time together, affection even outside of sex. I have been through a lot (cancer when our youngest was 2, kids with additional needs, I am ND and have a lot of trauma from my childhood) and need him to acknowledge that and show empathy, He likes to be alone. He cannot show empathy - much by his own admission. He is a "duty", not "love" person.
Post sex he is amazing and warm and affectionate, almost like it is a drug for him. But within a couple of days that starts to dissipate and he withdraws. I know and feel that he wants more from me but it is so hard to do when he is uptight, distant, moody. So I wait for the next opportunity to go to bed and then he is fine again. I find it draining. And I resent it. I am never rude or angry or aggressive towards him. I just get on with the hum drum of our full life.
He wrote me a 8 page note a few months ago, explaining his need for sex, love, attention, compliments. His words "I am an Fu**ing rock star to everyone else, but not to you". We talked about it at length a couple of times and I said I would try to do better and also explained what I needed. Any time he is down and starts to do his withdrawing of affection thing it will culminate in him mentioning the "note". How it has not been addressed. We've been on long walks to discuss further times and we go round in circles.
Sometimes the moods have escalated to him sleeping in the spare room and refusing to engage with me. Will talk if I speak to him but otherwise will have nothing to do with me. Once this went on for two months. Another time he was abroad for business for a week. We'd had a small row before he went (nothing major, in fact I can't even remember what it was about). I was 8 months pregnant with no.4 about to pop, still working full time and had the younger kids to looks after. He wasn't in touch the entire trip. Not one call or text or message. Nothing.
This weekend was a normal one. We watched movies together, barbqued with the kids etc. Then out of the blue he mentions the note. I could see he was seething. He said I never dealt with it and I am stone walling him. He said he's researched it and it is a form of abuse. I was on my way out so shortly after I messaged him to say I am sorry he thought that, it was not the case and we should talk. A few hours later he responds with message after message (about 20 in total) saying I am a narcissist, manipulative and I refuse to give him what he wants. He sent me definitions of stone walling and emotional abuse and said that whether I admit it or not that is exactly me. I was reeling and in shock. I have not eaten or slept. I feel sick. I don't have the strength to do this. I can't even look at him at the moment. There was no build up (just his usual being distant and moody) and no obvious trigger, we'd been chatting like regular things and then bam!
In my heart I know this is not right and maybe we need to both move on. But I am terrified. I don't know how to fix it. I think I am scared because actually I don't know if I want to anymore. I feel done. Spent. I have zero interest ever in hurting him or controlling him. I just can't give what he wants (and seemingly vice versa) does that make me abusive? He is right, the issues haven't been addressed but they are not ignored. It's just a two way thing - I can't give him what he wants when I don't feel that way about him when he behaves the way he does. We go round in circles!!
Please help me work through this.