Considering leaving my husband to have a second baby on my own

[Clementine1945]

I’ve always wanted a big family, but definitely wanted at least 2. I think having siblings is very important and would like to give that to my child. I’ve been with my husband for 12 years. We have one 4 year old son. It took us a long time to decide to start trying for our son (I was 34, he’s 7 years younger than me, so for about two years beforehand it was always “someday, not yet” which I understood) and then we had a fertility issue (blocked tubes) making IVF our only option. We did IVF when I was 36, it worked first round, and since then I’ve been wanting to do another round to try for a second, but husband has been dragging his feet, saying he’s happy with 1, maybe later, he’ll see in a year if he changes his mind etc etc. I’ve tried to be patient, certain he would eventually come around. But now 4 years later he’s told me that he 100% does not want a second and his assumption was that his saying no is what goes, and I’d just get over it eventually if he waited it out. I feel a bit like he procrastinated until nearly running out the clock. I’m now 40, he’s 33, and my doctor has said to do IVF soon if I want another. We had 1 frozen extra embryo from our first round that we tried to use this past month, after much much discussion and compromise and counselling, and I suffered an early miscarriage at 6 weeks. He says that’s it, he used the embryo because it was there but he’s relieved that it stopped growing, whereas I was devastated. There are no financial constraints, we are very comfortable both working good jobs, and have lots of family and if we want hired help, it won’t be an issue. I feel like we’re quite blessed with lots of options and support for a second baby. I get a full 18 months paid maternity leave for goodness sake! He says it’s simply related to “not wanting the hassle of a second”, the time commitment especially of the first 1-2 baby years. He says maybe in future we could foster or adopt an older child but he can’t guarantee or know “when”. I see that as being another big round of me wanting and him not wanting, and on and on we’ll go. I know that I could do it on my own with a donor, I loved the baby years and did a large percentage (like 80 or 90%) on my own the first round, doing every night waking and morning and basically everything for the first 12-14 months anyway. He’s a loving and good dad to our son, and has become more involved post age 2 with him. I do feel strongly that he would also love a second, but he doesn’t want one, so that’s it. He said that even the amount he did for the first year was “too much” and he doesn’t want to do it again. He lets fear and inconvenience rule a lot in his life, and finds many things much more of a “hassle” than I do. It’s something we’ve struggle with for a while, with a resulting heavier house/admin/parenting/everything load on me. Is it completely crazy to leave him and try for the family size/sibling for my child on my own? He says it’s completely illogical and irrational, but I already feel so deeply hurt and unseen by him on this anyway. How do I stay with someone who can’t see how much this hurts me? With someone who cannot share in the pain of a miscarriage of their child? He says because it was “just an embryo” and so we feel continents away from each other emotionally. Biology made it hard for me to have children, and it feels so brutal that I also have a partner that makes it impossible to even try for a bigger family. I don’t want to pressure him into the second (he really doesn’t want it and the lonely miscarriage made it abundantly clear) but neither can I get past my own wishes and the sense that I’ll regret forever and resent him his inflexibility and “fear of inconvenience.” I feel like I have more love to give and want to give it to another child, and have a brother or sister for my child, in whatever form that eventually takes. And with my husband, there is no form of that. I would have to close the door forever and I just can’t. Is this desire of mine too selfish? Is it insane? For perspective I’m from a family of 4 kids and am very close to my siblings. He is from 2 kids and not super close with his brother, although no specific issues. Is there any hope for any of this?

Hi @Clementine1945 I know this was a few months ago so you might not get this, but I just found this post and read it all after googling this situation, as I’m going through almost exactly the same thing. I just wondered what you decided to do and how it’s going if you don’t mind me asking? x

I agree with this. I think op all of what you've written here is about you, your own wants and hopes and an illusion of a family you have in your head. But in reality, you have a family now, you have a little boy who's family you'd be splitting up in order to have a chance at a second child you want. Because there are no guarantees- you could do this and it not work and then would it still feel worth it? Not everyone gets on well with siblings, and actually- in this scenario it sounds possible your child could really resent their sibling as the reason why his family isn't together anymore if he did have one.

Not to mention what would the custody arrangements look like - do you want to have your son half the time you could have him in order to attempt a second child? How do you think that would affect a sibling dynamic when your son has to leave you to go to his dads but his sibling stays with you 24-7? How do you think it would impact the sibling seeing your son have a relationship with a father they won't get to have? Never mind the other issues children of donor parents can have around access to up to date medical information, the impact on their dating lives or sense of identity? None of this benefits your son.

I understand why you'd feel so hurt about your husbands reaction to your miscarriage and I'm very sorry you experienced such a painful loss. At the same time, it's also clear from your posts that he was up front with you from the beginning that he wouldn't have chosen to go through that and you have essentially pushed it as hard as you can. To me, it sounds like he did compromise, it unfortunately ended very sadly and not as you hoped and he doesn't want to go through that again. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that other than that his wording was tactless and a bit cold, but I do think he was being honest with you which is necessary as you do seem to dismiss his feelings in this as much as you feel dismissed by him as well.

I think you need to go for counselling to be honest op. You have a beautiful family and you're willing to take away your sons sense of stability and security for a maybe. And I say this knowing how painful it is to have to accept that you're one and done - my husband had an affair that ruined our marriage in my late 30s and I'm now too old to have any chance at a much wanted second child and I'm not in a position to go it alone, nor would I personally ever consider donor sperm. It's very painful and it's something I've been exploring in counselling. But that's my shit to deal with and there's no way in hell I'd put the idea of a child above the needs of my actual child and this is where you lose me.

I disagree with anyone who is suggesting that he should go along with this because you want it - noone should ever be forced into having a child they don't want. So you're at a marital impasse - you both owe it to your son to get yourselves to mediation /counselling and try to start helping each other through this in a more compassionate way.

Hello, I'm also interested in an update. I am also going through a similar dilemma. For me the main issue has been that one child would grow up with a father and one wouldn't and that seems odd, although I guess there are lots of families where that happens due to different dads and some being around and some not.

sorry just noticed this was pp posting on an old thread.

This doesn't sound like a terribly content relationship anyway, do you want to stay in it?

I actually do sympathise as it seems your husband misled you and I understand anger is impacting your feelings for him.
But I would just like to say, as an only child, and a mum to an only, it’s not exactly some massive disadvantage in life. On balance I would have liked a second so not in the “one and done” camp - but breaking up a family because of it seems very selfish. And you are, I’m afraid, underplaying the impact of divorce on children. Its unavoidable even with the best of intentions from both parents.

An Old thread!

This is such an enormous decision and it is complex.

Your DH didn’t want another child but he has comprised. He is a good father. You have a great family already.

You are already comprised with your fertility.

Clearly there is a strong emotional pull towards a second child for you but the costs are so enormous.

People have to get over enormous emotional burdens all of the time, would that be a possibility for you?

My advice would be to invest in a lot of therapy to help you process this extreme and very understandable disappointment but ultimately it is up to you.

So you want to leave a family of 3 to create a family of 3? If your core value is family, shattering one so you can satisfy your need to mother is not a great way of doing it.

I haven’t read through every page on this thread. But as a single mum to two kids and seeing what that has done to them, you need to give it more thought. I didn’t have children to see them half the time. Even now I’ve moved on and met someone who wants kids, I have a fear of doing so incase I go through the breakdown of a family again. It’s not a simple decision. Like others have said your child would prefer and be better off in a stable
healthy family dynamic then seeing his parents part time with a half sibling that will just make them feel pushed out with less of your time no doubt.

I think there are a few things here to unravel. Firstly, your relationship with your husband is not in a good place. So putting the issue of children aside for a moment, do you think you still love him and want to be with him and can you see yourself being with him forever? If the answer to that is no then you need to work out whether you’re going to have counselling and try and make this work or whether you’re headed for a break up anyway.

Once you’ve sorted out whether you’re staying with your husband or not, then you could think about options for other children. But try and keep your current son centred in this. I am divorced, very amicably. I don’t think a divorced based on you leaving as a sort of ultimatum (because that’s how he’ll see it rather than necessarily your intention) is going to be amicable. You also open yourself up to a lot of other unknowns. New adults coming into your child’s family, seeing your current child less. And you would have to be able to support your son through seeing you with a child you saw 100% of the time and his dad potentially having told him that you left him because you wanted another child.

It’s really complicated, but I think you need to start from where you are now rather than some imagined future and make your decisions on what you already have rather than what you may or may not get.

How are you planning on funding your new family?

@Clementine1945I think I’d be leaving anyway. Your husband sounds disconnected, cold, surface level, and lacking in empathy. It sounds like a very lonely marriage.

Does he expect you to be on birth control?
Tbh i think you're probably too old now for a second child but it's up to you if you want to leave due to his bad attitude

I think this is true.

You might feel that it would be good for your child to have a sibling, but achieving that would deprive him of a stable family and constant contact with his father - who it seems is a good dad. Would that be good for him?

This is a sad situation because both opinions are entirely valid and I hear your pain. But you now have a child whose well-being takes precedence at the moment as he is small and totally dependent.

The only other factor is whether your partner's stance and seeming failure to understand how the miscarriage will have been deeply upsetting for you is a deal breaker for the relationship and you feel you are likely to break up anyway.

I agree with this. If you have a big family with lots of cousins/ close family etc I’d spend my time investing in time and closeness with them, giving your son a big happy family that way. Or even close friends. I have a few friends who are solo kids who have very close relationships with cousins or their parent’s friend’s kids.

Having said this, I do empathise. You’re both in a difficult position. But sadly I dont think the answer is taking the matter into your own hands.

I can’t comment on the matter of having another child on your own so setting that aside I can confidently say this from the way you described how he feels about 1 child: your husband does not see himself as a father or parent. I will further say that one fine day, he will up and leave.

Eta: I only read your first post. I needn’t have read more to say the above about him. I think you’ve already figured how totally selfish and self-centered he is.

I'd say how is the relationship generally, OP? Outside of this issue?

Maybe I'm just thinking negatively on your partner because of the age difference, but I get a feeling from your post that he maybe (and I'm saying maybe, I could have it totally wrong here) is not really invested in your relationship much anymore in general. You mention a lot about how he is as a dad but not much about you and him. Again maybe I'm reading it wrong.

I understand the longing for another child. I had two older teenagers and I really wanted another, emotionally the feelings are really strong. My long term partner and father of one of the older teenagers, was not keen to start again and he is older than me. Said no at first, then went back and forward for over a year, then eventually said yes to trying but with the caveat that I would mostly take the hit financially from my own savings and do most of the work, because he has stuff he is working towards. We now have a baby who we had at 38 and 46. It has taken it's toll on our relationship tbh, not the baby, but just the extra work and physical effects on me and lack of sex or time alone with now 20 year old, 16 year old, and baby. I am very grateful though and always will be that he agreed. I think that on some level he did want another though, and on some level I think he was scared of losing me (not that I'm some great catch the opposite in fact!) to my resentment. It's a different situation because I would not have had a child with someone else or alone, but I get the impression your partner is not hugely bothered about losing you as much. I don't mean that to be hurtful. It's difficult and no one can tell you what to do. Maybe try to explain to him how important this is to you, keep telling him.

I did IVF just after my 40th birthday with a frozen embryo who is about to celebrate her 29th birthday.

I’m sorry but seems like your relationship isn’t going to last the distance regardless of the option to go through IVF, not only due to your opposing views but the utter lack of empathy when you were (both) going through a traumatic time.

all the ‘two parents are best’ arguments are fine and well til the child realises that their parents aren’t happy together.

you say your DH ‘got better’ at the dad stuff as your child reached toddlerhood which seems shorthand for doing very little, being disinterested etc. That’s really hurtful in itself! even if you stayed together and did IVF and had a baby you’d still face this issue.

People often say that there is no compromise in this situation, but actually in your position, compromise is exactly what I would be looking for.

Agreeing to use the remaining embryo I think shows that he’s not completely against the idea of a second, and I think he’s explained his reasons clearly - hassle, work, inconvenience, stress etc in the baby years.

I wonder whether you’ve really listened to his reasons, rather than jumping to thinking of leaving. Because I think that in your position I would be thinking about what I could offer to meet his reasons.

You already picked up most of the baby workload with DC1, could you offer to pick it all up with DC2? IVF isn’t particularly a hassle for a man if you’re not involved, could you offer to leave him out of all discussions and stress about it, and rely on a friend instead. Those things don’t feel fair in the context of a relationship, but are what you’ll need to do if you leave anyway….

Just as he can say ‘no”, you are also entitled to make the right decision for you. His behaviour after the miscarriage shows you exactly who you are dealing with.
You’ll resent him forever.

This. You will likely move past this feeling eventually. Life doesn't always work out the way we hope but that doesn't necessarily mean it will never be good again or you'll always regret not having a second child. Your priority now should be your son and his happiness - to leave and put him in a less than ideal position is misguided and affects 3 people, not just you. I suggest you seek counselling, with and without your husband, to help you move forward