Considering leaving my husband to have a second baby on my own

[Clementine1945]

I’ve always wanted a big family, but definitely wanted at least 2. I think having siblings is very important and would like to give that to my child. I’ve been with my husband for 12 years. We have one 4 year old son. It took us a long time to decide to start trying for our son (I was 34, he’s 7 years younger than me, so for about two years beforehand it was always “someday, not yet” which I understood) and then we had a fertility issue (blocked tubes) making IVF our only option. We did IVF when I was 36, it worked first round, and since then I’ve been wanting to do another round to try for a second, but husband has been dragging his feet, saying he’s happy with 1, maybe later, he’ll see in a year if he changes his mind etc etc. I’ve tried to be patient, certain he would eventually come around. But now 4 years later he’s told me that he 100% does not want a second and his assumption was that his saying no is what goes, and I’d just get over it eventually if he waited it out. I feel a bit like he procrastinated until nearly running out the clock. I’m now 40, he’s 33, and my doctor has said to do IVF soon if I want another. We had 1 frozen extra embryo from our first round that we tried to use this past month, after much much discussion and compromise and counselling, and I suffered an early miscarriage at 6 weeks. He says that’s it, he used the embryo because it was there but he’s relieved that it stopped growing, whereas I was devastated. There are no financial constraints, we are very comfortable both working good jobs, and have lots of family and if we want hired help, it won’t be an issue. I feel like we’re quite blessed with lots of options and support for a second baby. I get a full 18 months paid maternity leave for goodness sake! He says it’s simply related to “not wanting the hassle of a second”, the time commitment especially of the first 1-2 baby years. He says maybe in future we could foster or adopt an older child but he can’t guarantee or know “when”. I see that as being another big round of me wanting and him not wanting, and on and on we’ll go. I know that I could do it on my own with a donor, I loved the baby years and did a large percentage (like 80 or 90%) on my own the first round, doing every night waking and morning and basically everything for the first 12-14 months anyway. He’s a loving and good dad to our son, and has become more involved post age 2 with him. I do feel strongly that he would also love a second, but he doesn’t want one, so that’s it. He said that even the amount he did for the first year was “too much” and he doesn’t want to do it again. He lets fear and inconvenience rule a lot in his life, and finds many things much more of a “hassle” than I do. It’s something we’ve struggle with for a while, with a resulting heavier house/admin/parenting/everything load on me. Is it completely crazy to leave him and try for the family size/sibling for my child on my own? He says it’s completely illogical and irrational, but I already feel so deeply hurt and unseen by him on this anyway. How do I stay with someone who can’t see how much this hurts me? With someone who cannot share in the pain of a miscarriage of their child? He says because it was “just an embryo” and so we feel continents away from each other emotionally. Biology made it hard for me to have children, and it feels so brutal that I also have a partner that makes it impossible to even try for a bigger family. I don’t want to pressure him into the second (he really doesn’t want it and the lonely miscarriage made it abundantly clear) but neither can I get past my own wishes and the sense that I’ll regret forever and resent him his inflexibility and “fear of inconvenience.” I feel like I have more love to give and want to give it to another child, and have a brother or sister for my child, in whatever form that eventually takes. And with my husband, there is no form of that. I would have to close the door forever and I just can’t. Is this desire of mine too selfish? Is it insane? For perspective I’m from a family of 4 kids and am very close to my siblings. He is from 2 kids and not super close with his brother, although no specific issues. Is there any hope for any of this?

I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation.
But honestly I’d focus on the life you have now. It’s difficult I know but your son has a happy home with 2 parents who love him. Would you be happy having him only 50% of the time? 50% of the holidays? To uproot his life because of what you want, whilst understandable, seems like the wrong choice. You say your husband is a good man and a good father, that counts of a lot.

I do feel strongly that he would also love a second, but he doesn’t want one, so that’s it. He said that even the amount he did for the first year was “too much” and he doesn’t want to do it again. He lets fear and inconvenience rule a lot in his life, and finds many things much more of a “hassle” than I do.

This bit, which is pretty damn crucial, is essentially the OP insisting she knows what her husband feels better than he does. And feeling contempt - "letting fear and inconvenience rule" when he says he doesn't want to go through the baby years again (every second thread on MN agrees they're a slog).

Whether you think he'll love a second one is neither here nor there when he says he doesn't want one.

If you want to leave him that's your choice and your risk to take, but overriding what someone says with what you think they'll feel is not a great path to go down.

I think the issue of a second child is a complicated one and only you can truly decide what you want more, a second child or to remain in your current family set up. That said, you’re not obliged to stay in a relationship where someone has actively withheld information from you for years, therefore limiting your choices despite your advancing age, doesn’t support you emotionally and who is happy to let you do all the hard work in relation the the mental load, parenting etc. Also, given he isn’t Prince Charming I would question all the people arguing it’s in your son’s interests to stay in the relationship. Therefore if you did decide to stay if I were you I’d be expecting him to step up massively and be a better role model to your child.

That’s actually exactly what I meant—that I do feel strongly that if he did have a second child, he would love that child and not resent the child, because he’s a loving father and loves his current child very much. But he says he doesn’t want it, so that’s it—I can’t change his mind on that. I accept that he has his choice and has made it, but it doesn’t change the pain and hurt I feel at that choice. And hassle and inconvenience are actually his words. They aren’t contempt—they’re his honest words about it. I’m currently at the merge CG room, I broke my ankle earlier tonight in a silly jumping thing. He told me that having to go to emerge tonight is such a hassle and he wishes I could have waited til tomorrow, as then we could get family or someone to help him with our son while I’m here. That’s what I mean about inconvenience—he’s not mad at me for breaking my ankle of course, he just has a lot of trouble handling the fallout from things sometimes. There is of course a lot to unpack, but I am trying to respect his choice to not want another, even if I have trouble understanding it fully.

Best just do what most parents do. Stop chasing dreams and put your child first.

I adopted a 2 year old in my late thirties, with an only birth child who was 8 at the time. I had been through as much fertility treatment as i was prepared to go through. My partner is 5 years younger than me. He was fully on board, but it had taken him years to get to that point. As you probably know, it is an incredibly hard process and if you're not both fully on board, they will sniff it out and pull the plug.

Being honest, it has been very difficult for my birth son. I adore him but my AS has behavioural issues that are linked to his background and it has made life a lot harder for my other son. I know you could have a birth child with SEN but there is a higher chance with adoption.

The landscape of adoption is changing and I'm not sure we would go through it now. There is more emphasis on direct contact with birth parents. If it was me, I would choose the option of trying for a birth child above adoption. But I understand there are all sorts of angles on this. It sounds as though you will end up resenting your partner if you stay and don't have a second and that wouldn't make for a happy environment for your son. I hope this situation gets resolved positively.

Withheld information from her for years?? Or just changed his thinking about kids from 21-33 in a perfectly normal way with added stress of fertility issues. Even OP said there was nothing devious about any of it so it’s unhelpful to create that kind of narrative.

I’m not sure that it sounds like you can repair the relationship. Do you feel you can get over the deception and him intentionally running out your biological clock when he knew how important a bigger family was to you?

if you can’t, then it’s a question of how many children you want as a single parent. If you want and can afford another then take control, call his bluff and have one. Let him make the choice to leave or not.

Thanks for this, it’s quite helpful perspective

It sounds like the marriage might be over no matter what? If it wasn't then I would say I'm sure your son would take his parents staying together over a maybe sibling that he may not even have a typical sibling relationship with, at least at first, due to what will be a large age gap.

Is it just me who thinks it is completely immoral to have a child via sperm donor? Purposely denying the child a father just because you want one. I get shit happens, men leave, fathers die but to know 100% they will have no relationship with their dad beforehand..fucking hell. So selfish in my opinion!

“his assumption was that his saying no is what goes, and I’d just get over it eventually if he waited it out.”

Presumably the above means he had made his mind up though and chose not to tell her, but to instead just hope she’d get over it.

Completely agree.

I've had to go through IVF and I know what it's like. But choosing to break up your living child's family over a hypothetical child I think is incredible selfish. And a real nice way for your first child to think they weren't enough.
what will you do when your child says 'why did you break up with daddy?' And you say 'because I wanted another baby and he didn't?'

breaking up a family is traumatic for a child. You're choosing to do this and put a child through this for a hypothetical second with a donor.

its not easy I know, but please don't break a child's home over a second wanted child. Put your child you have first.

You're probably in a lot of physical pain and not in a good place, not in a place to make decisions.

But it's wise to think things through.

For me the standout was that your husband was glad you lost your baby. Relieved.

Absolutely failing to empathise with how you feel.

Strung you along with maybe baby until you made that attempt then said no more. I wonder if it was a clunky way to deal with his own reaction to seeing you in despair and not wanting to risk going there again?

Saw caring for his own child as hassle and just too much.

You know how he feels now - it's a no from him.

Can you face even spending any more of your life with him, knowing all that?

It's your choice - do you let that go and focus on what you have?

At 40 realistically your choices are limited and the chances of another child are low.

What would be best for your child? I do wonder how mum yearning for a baby who isn't them affects the first child.

No answers; just looking at different angles.

Tbh I think your marriage is over one way or another - even if you stay together for your DS the resentment will eat away at you and he’ll end up with 2 separated parents anyway. In those circumstances and with 18 months full pay maternity, I think I’d go for it.

That's a shitty thing to say to you and I'm sorry.

I'm a bit like him, I have to say - I have a running injury at the moment and just this morning had a little rant at DP about how inconvenient it is (had to cancel a medical appointment, worried about travel next week). I'm not dealing with it well, I never do with these things. But I'm saying these things about my own stupid body, not making someone else feel worse. (This is also one of the reasons I decided to be child-free, FWIW. I think if you deal with inconveniences badly, you're not going to take to parenthood naturally. So I see where he's coming from there too.)

I hope you get your ankle seen to well, some good rest and that he's more supportive later.

I strongly suspect the broken home is inevitable in the end, regardless of whether it’s now. It does sound like he strung her along a fair while before confirming no, despite knowing how desperate she was. And who openly expresses their relief at a miscarriage; maybe privately he could be relieved but he could see his wife, supposedly the love of his life, was struggling and couldn’t empathise for one minute? I’d be out over that regardless of whether any more children happened.

Also this.

I don't think OPs thought this through as it's very selfish on the child she has and the hypothetical child with no dad. But has to watch their sibling have a dad.

I honestly despair. I have my girl after IVF and I could not imagine thinking she's not enough. It would be lovely to have a second of course! I wouldn't ever break up a family to do so though.

Of course when there's relationship has broken down totally and/or there's abuse it's the right thing to leave and best for the kids. But let's not pretend it doesn't affect children when their parents separate. It would be better for your DS if it you can make it work with your husband.

If the relationship is otherwise ok I think this would be a bad plan. Perhaps you're mixing up your grief from the pregnancy loss with your marriage.

It struck me that your husband has been stalling and thought that he'd effectively taken your choice away. He went along with using the last embryo not really wanting another child, and quite happy that the pregnancy failed. It sounds like he's not been honest with you at all over the past few years. Just waiting for you to turn 40 and accept your lot?

You split your family up to have another child (which might or might not happen) and then you won’t even have your first or only child full time.
If his dad wants 50/50 then you’ll only have him half the time and if you did have another baby then your son also only gets to spend half of his life with his sibling. It makes no sense, it’s not about your son having a sibling it’s about you wanting another baby which is fine but you need to make that the reason you leave your husband and not say it’s because you want to provide a sibling, they might only spend half their time together and might not even get on as they grow up.

It’s a massive risk.

I’m currently at the merge CG room, I broke my ankle earlier tonight in a silly jumping thing. He told me that having to go to emerge tonight is such a hassle and he wishes I could have waited til tomorrow, as then we could get family or someone to help him with our son while I’m here. That’s what I mean about inconvenience—he’s not mad at me for breaking my ankle of course, he just has a lot of trouble handling the fallout from things sometimes.

Well it's worth considering the fallout because it is trouble to handle sometimes. If you'd broken your ankle after splitting up, it'd be a hell of a lot harder to manage your DS and a baby, especially a baby with no dad to look after him/her. DC are a huge inconvenience when life throws its unexpected shit at you. I remember that feeling when I became a parent for the first time, realising how few people there were who you could hand your baby to when you needed help. Anyway, I'm sorry about your ankle and hope you're feeling better soon and can focus on getting the help you need to think this whole thing through properly.

Is there is a good chance your husband will do 50/50, so your current child will not be part of your family every other week and the future baby will be an only child that week.

You are unlikely to pass an adoption application with him, unless he is 101% committed to adoption.

I would divorce him, and get on with your life,

if you do become pregnant in the future then that's lovely as you have your heart's wish, if you don't then at least you tried. you will need to be a strong / positive person tho if future pregnancies were to fail for whatever reason/s.

I don’t think you should leave. You have a healthy child and a good husband. How would you feel if the positions were reversed and he decided to leave you for a woman without fertility issues?

Siblings aren’t as important as two parents who live together.

Yes, just you