Considering leaving my husband to have a second baby on my own

[Clementine1945]

I’ve always wanted a big family, but definitely wanted at least 2. I think having siblings is very important and would like to give that to my child. I’ve been with my husband for 12 years. We have one 4 year old son. It took us a long time to decide to start trying for our son (I was 34, he’s 7 years younger than me, so for about two years beforehand it was always “someday, not yet” which I understood) and then we had a fertility issue (blocked tubes) making IVF our only option. We did IVF when I was 36, it worked first round, and since then I’ve been wanting to do another round to try for a second, but husband has been dragging his feet, saying he’s happy with 1, maybe later, he’ll see in a year if he changes his mind etc etc. I’ve tried to be patient, certain he would eventually come around. But now 4 years later he’s told me that he 100% does not want a second and his assumption was that his saying no is what goes, and I’d just get over it eventually if he waited it out. I feel a bit like he procrastinated until nearly running out the clock. I’m now 40, he’s 33, and my doctor has said to do IVF soon if I want another. We had 1 frozen extra embryo from our first round that we tried to use this past month, after much much discussion and compromise and counselling, and I suffered an early miscarriage at 6 weeks. He says that’s it, he used the embryo because it was there but he’s relieved that it stopped growing, whereas I was devastated. There are no financial constraints, we are very comfortable both working good jobs, and have lots of family and if we want hired help, it won’t be an issue. I feel like we’re quite blessed with lots of options and support for a second baby. I get a full 18 months paid maternity leave for goodness sake! He says it’s simply related to “not wanting the hassle of a second”, the time commitment especially of the first 1-2 baby years. He says maybe in future we could foster or adopt an older child but he can’t guarantee or know “when”. I see that as being another big round of me wanting and him not wanting, and on and on we’ll go. I know that I could do it on my own with a donor, I loved the baby years and did a large percentage (like 80 or 90%) on my own the first round, doing every night waking and morning and basically everything for the first 12-14 months anyway. He’s a loving and good dad to our son, and has become more involved post age 2 with him. I do feel strongly that he would also love a second, but he doesn’t want one, so that’s it. He said that even the amount he did for the first year was “too much” and he doesn’t want to do it again. He lets fear and inconvenience rule a lot in his life, and finds many things much more of a “hassle” than I do. It’s something we’ve struggle with for a while, with a resulting heavier house/admin/parenting/everything load on me. Is it completely crazy to leave him and try for the family size/sibling for my child on my own? He says it’s completely illogical and irrational, but I already feel so deeply hurt and unseen by him on this anyway. How do I stay with someone who can’t see how much this hurts me? With someone who cannot share in the pain of a miscarriage of their child? He says because it was “just an embryo” and so we feel continents away from each other emotionally. Biology made it hard for me to have children, and it feels so brutal that I also have a partner that makes it impossible to even try for a bigger family. I don’t want to pressure him into the second (he really doesn’t want it and the lonely miscarriage made it abundantly clear) but neither can I get past my own wishes and the sense that I’ll regret forever and resent him his inflexibility and “fear of inconvenience.” I feel like I have more love to give and want to give it to another child, and have a brother or sister for my child, in whatever form that eventually takes. And with my husband, there is no form of that. I would have to close the door forever and I just can’t. Is this desire of mine too selfish? Is it insane? For perspective I’m from a family of 4 kids and am very close to my siblings. He is from 2 kids and not super close with his brother, although no specific issues. Is there any hope for any of this?

You've had one miscarriage so I'm sorry to say it's perfectly possible you'll have more especially as you get older. Your child doesn't need a sibling, sure it's nice but lots of siblings don't get on so it's not for your son that you want another child, it's purely for you. You've got fixated on this idea and need to talk it through with a counsellor. You could be happy and put everything into the life and family you already have. Sorry but you're being selfish.

Imagine the damage it would do to your relationship with your adult son when you tell him one of the hardest things he’s ever gone through was because he wasn’t enough for you…you’re not playing this forward OP. At this rate even with everything going exactly to plan your son would be 6 years older than this imaginary sibling. He will be traumatised by the divorce and suddenly when he does have time with you he has to share you with a new baby…come on OP. See beyond your own nose.

But he could be fully honest and on board with having one child with OP and staying with her forever. It’s OP who wants to leave and could do so at any time given the way she’s talking, in which case he could well stick at one child for another decade and still only be early 40s, an age when some men meet a new partner and start a family. That’s not an unimaginable outcome and he’d be wise to factor it in. Wouldn’t mean he had any intention of leaving the OP to have DC because he’d secretly wanted more all along. To make him have the snip just to prove some point that won’t even address any of the OP’s issues is pretty perverse. Why is the default on here to assume a man is being devious in some way. It’s OP who’s working out plans to leave him not vice versa.

But the embryos are from when she was 36.

There is a lot to unpack here.

i don’t know the answer but there are a lot of things to consider. I would just say your point about being angry the fact he can’t see he is hurting you, I think he probably also feels pretty hurt being in an ultimatum situation - have another or I leave you. I’m not saying you are wrong but his feelings in having a baby matter too it’s just unfortunately you don’t get what you want.

Also OP and I say this really gently - not everyone feels the same about miscarriages. I have had fertility issues and have had miscarriages but had a similar view to your partner. Maybe it was my coping mechanism but I was never devastated especially for a long time after they happened. Yeah I was disappointed but it wasn’t devastating. Nor did I ever think I was losing a child. I never understood what a lot of women felt about having one. It all seemed overly emotional and unnecessary. Again I’m not saying it’s right but his reaction isn’t wrong just because it isn’t yours. People deal with grief very very differently, but it doesn’t make their reaction wrong because it isn’t the same as yours or the way you feel they should feel. It also doesn’t make your reaction and feeling wrong either.

Anyway back to the point I think you should go to counselling. Figuring out where to go from here and how to deal with your chosen outcome may help. If you go ahead you will get the child you want, but you will also split up your family and affect your first child’s life. If you stay you will have to cope with not having another and possible resentment. A post of opinions on here isn’t going to help- I honestly think you need professional guidance . Good luck.

His lack of empathy and closeness to you is a huge factor. Do you want to stay with him, wanting a child aside? If you decide to give up your hope for another DC and stay in the marriage, would it last anyway, as you would likely always feel resentful?

This is my fear. It seems a lot of people responding seem to think it’s “wonderful, great marriage that I’ll break up for my own needs” and very few have even noticed his actions in this nor the fact that I don’t know how to get past this with him. I feel like for years I’ll be yearning and waiting for him to “be ready” to adopt and resenting him annd his choices. And our marriage will suffer/is suffering right now. I also don’t want to get to the stage where we hate each other and then we try to coparent from there, which would be so much harder. Then we separate anyway, and yes it’s completely possible he could go on to meet someone else and start a family with her, who knows. It isn’t his plans right now, obviously, I’m just realistic enough to know it’s possible.

If you could magically get rid of the desire for another child, would you be happy in the relationship or would you still be contemplating a split?

I think him dragging you along for 4 years of not being decsive and his feelings about the miscarriage would make me seethe with resentment and put paid to any kind of intimacy with him.
Regardless of the second child, I'd be done with him but I'd put it coolly and practically to him to work out what a separate life looked like.

Not sure it is going to make a great sibling dynamic with your older child knowing you split his family up just so you could have another child

I don’t think at all that he has any plans to start a new family with someone else. I’m just realistic enough to that it’s a distinct possibility someday, based on his age and also how much he loves his son. In different circumstances, he may well feel differently several years from now. THere’s orbit devious from either of us—just a lot of sadness and frustration that we so completely don’t feel the same way. He knows exactly what I am thinking, we’ve spoken about it. There’s no deviousness or secrecy on it from me either.

Did it feel good to write that? There is another person on the other end of this, reading your mean spirited comment. I also thought it was only men who told women to “calm their hormones”? Anyway, you have a good day.

You've had one miscarriage so I'm sorry to say it's perfectly possible you'll have more especially as you get older.

Miscarriages are common.

Yes the rate rises as the mother ages, but it's still 33% risk at 40/41, so a 67% chance not.

And fathers age affects it too - many of the women (probably the majority) experiencing raised miscarriage rate in their 40s are pregnant by men the same age or older, whereas the op's embryos have been fertilised by a significantly younger man.

Equally he might be glad he has a sibling.

Absolutely this. I say that as the child of divorced parents. I do have a sibling too. I would choose to be an only child of married parents. Don’t kid yourself that leaving your husband to have a second child is a good option for your child.

But do you not see that your future needn’t be this endless yearning for another child and resentment that will destroy your marriage? You’re in the midst of it right now, not only given the recent loss but also with the hormones at 40, many women feel that last blast of wanting another child, but it passes, and pain can be worked through with the will to do so, and by your mid 40s, you won’t be feeling the same way. By late 40s you could be glad to have one older DC. As your son grows up, the baby fixation can lessen a lot and it’s not about having babies but about seeing this young man evolve. We’re all different of course but everything you post is so tunnel visioned as you’re in the thick of it, which feels such the wrong place to be making big decisions from. Please get proper help to work through your feelings and work on your marriage. Many women with this level of fixation on another baby aren’t even content when that one does materialise, because it’s a bigger issue that a baby can’t fix.

I’m more concerned with your child’s feelings than yours, frankly. But sure, go right ahead and ruin his little family unit because your desire to have another child matters so much more.

My comments on deviousness etc was to the poster saying he should get a vasectomy.

It doesn’t sound like a happy marriage from everything you’ve said.

Do you love each other? Could your marriage survive either way?

Based on how you’ve made the marriage sound, I think I’d leave.

But it depends how happy and functional the parents' relationship is.

Op's h sounds like he makes/lets her do the vast majority of the work and parenting.

He sounds like he's coasting.

And who's to say he won't up and go someday either. He's 7 years younger.

About half of marriages and partnerships end anyway.

Then there's the fact the op will resent him.

There's no guarantee op's child will grow up in a healthy, functional, secure household anyway.

I don't think you're going to get your H to consider adoption. What makes you drawn to adoption yourself?
Personally at the age of 40 with fertility issues I would try to accept my lot in life and be happy with what you have. I don't think you'll get a sibling for your DS through adoption.

There's no guarantee op's child will grow up in a healthy, functional, secure household anyway.

You can guarantee he won't if she leaves. I see a lot of this as stacking the deck to justify the OP leaving. She chose a guy 7 years younger, it's not that big a shock that he's been less grown up than the OP about some things, but they've been together 12 years and after all they've been through, it's not gonna be all happy days. No marriage is, but it's not about happiness all the time so much as how you work through the harder times, and throwing in the towel isn't always the answer, especially when it's all about this particular issue which will follow the OP (and her son) if she leaves and won't get solved in any easy way, if at all.

(I'm not saying she should never leave, none of us know the future including OP. I'm just saying she really needs help to reflect on this fully IRL and beyond the whole 'have a second baby' angle because that's distorting a lot for her right now).

OP you say you want to give your son a sibling. As another PP said there is going to be an age gap of six years at least between your son and any new baby.

There is a six year gap between my sister and I. Although we are close now we weren't particularly when she was younger. It's quite a big gap and it is unlikely that they will enjoy the same things at the same time. When your son is ready to go to uni (if he chooses to) his sibling will only be 12 at the oldest.

I do get the longing for another child. After I had DD I wasn't able to have any more and it used to be so painful seeing pregnant women. I think especially because you come from a big family you want your child to have what you have. I know my DD has a very different life than I did as a child but i wouldn't say it's worse. I may be making assumptions but I presume that your childhood had both mum and dad present.

Obviously it is up to you to decide but I think you are taking a very big gamble if you leave an otherwise loving relationship for the hope of a future child. Not only with your relationship with your husband but also your relationship with your child. How are you going to explain to him why his parents aren't together any more?

I think you really need some counselling to unpick your thought processes here. This is a major decision that will affect several lives and if you make the wrong decision you may regret it for the rest of your life.