Considering leaving my husband to have a second baby on my own

[Clementine1945]

I’ve always wanted a big family, but definitely wanted at least 2. I think having siblings is very important and would like to give that to my child. I’ve been with my husband for 12 years. We have one 4 year old son. It took us a long time to decide to start trying for our son (I was 34, he’s 7 years younger than me, so for about two years beforehand it was always “someday, not yet” which I understood) and then we had a fertility issue (blocked tubes) making IVF our only option. We did IVF when I was 36, it worked first round, and since then I’ve been wanting to do another round to try for a second, but husband has been dragging his feet, saying he’s happy with 1, maybe later, he’ll see in a year if he changes his mind etc etc. I’ve tried to be patient, certain he would eventually come around. But now 4 years later he’s told me that he 100% does not want a second and his assumption was that his saying no is what goes, and I’d just get over it eventually if he waited it out. I feel a bit like he procrastinated until nearly running out the clock. I’m now 40, he’s 33, and my doctor has said to do IVF soon if I want another. We had 1 frozen extra embryo from our first round that we tried to use this past month, after much much discussion and compromise and counselling, and I suffered an early miscarriage at 6 weeks. He says that’s it, he used the embryo because it was there but he’s relieved that it stopped growing, whereas I was devastated. There are no financial constraints, we are very comfortable both working good jobs, and have lots of family and if we want hired help, it won’t be an issue. I feel like we’re quite blessed with lots of options and support for a second baby. I get a full 18 months paid maternity leave for goodness sake! He says it’s simply related to “not wanting the hassle of a second”, the time commitment especially of the first 1-2 baby years. He says maybe in future we could foster or adopt an older child but he can’t guarantee or know “when”. I see that as being another big round of me wanting and him not wanting, and on and on we’ll go. I know that I could do it on my own with a donor, I loved the baby years and did a large percentage (like 80 or 90%) on my own the first round, doing every night waking and morning and basically everything for the first 12-14 months anyway. He’s a loving and good dad to our son, and has become more involved post age 2 with him. I do feel strongly that he would also love a second, but he doesn’t want one, so that’s it. He said that even the amount he did for the first year was “too much” and he doesn’t want to do it again. He lets fear and inconvenience rule a lot in his life, and finds many things much more of a “hassle” than I do. It’s something we’ve struggle with for a while, with a resulting heavier house/admin/parenting/everything load on me. Is it completely crazy to leave him and try for the family size/sibling for my child on my own? He says it’s completely illogical and irrational, but I already feel so deeply hurt and unseen by him on this anyway. How do I stay with someone who can’t see how much this hurts me? With someone who cannot share in the pain of a miscarriage of their child? He says because it was “just an embryo” and so we feel continents away from each other emotionally. Biology made it hard for me to have children, and it feels so brutal that I also have a partner that makes it impossible to even try for a bigger family. I don’t want to pressure him into the second (he really doesn’t want it and the lonely miscarriage made it abundantly clear) but neither can I get past my own wishes and the sense that I’ll regret forever and resent him his inflexibility and “fear of inconvenience.” I feel like I have more love to give and want to give it to another child, and have a brother or sister for my child, in whatever form that eventually takes. And with my husband, there is no form of that. I would have to close the door forever and I just can’t. Is this desire of mine too selfish? Is it insane? For perspective I’m from a family of 4 kids and am very close to my siblings. He is from 2 kids and not super close with his brother, although no specific issues. Is there any hope for any of this?

Being a single parent of a baby will leave you with very little attention for your son. I wouldn’t do it for that reason.
Whether you stay with your husband or not is an independent question. Perhaps counselling could help you talk it through.
If you aren’t an unhappy family, it’s much better for your son to stay together. Children don’t necessarily like having two homes or having coparents. They just want their home and their family.

I think you should put adoption/fostering with your husband right out of your head. He’s never going to agree to it, and it’s a very difficult process even when both parents are all in. At best he’s going to be lukewarm and leave you to do all the work. I have children of my own but I know my limitations and I couldn’t foster or adopt. DH used to be very keen on the idea of fostering but as the reality/longevity of parenting set in he’s quietly dropped the subject. Nothing in your posts suggests that your DH wants to do it, so I would drop the dream that one day he’ll agree.

Can't think of anything I would have liked less at 6 than having to share my mum with a crying, puking noise machine tbh.

So how would you feel if you leave your OH, and have another child. Your OH would then only share duties with your first DC, would only buy Christmas presents for the first DC, only takes the first DC on holiday, etc. How would you explain that to the second child?

I .99. 9 9 9.8

You say he's a good father to your 4yo. How would you feel having a second child without a father in their life being so aware of what they're missing out on? And the older one would probably also feel like they're missing out on living with both parents full time. And it would only be a matter of time before they both figured out that the younger one essentially split apart the first family

Plus the most obvious reality - there's really no guarantee of a baby at your age anyway.

If you don't want to be with your husband, then leave. But I wouldn't make it about a hypothetical future child.

My opinion as someone with an only child is that you absolutely do not need to “provide” your child with a sibling - this is not going to make them a happier or a more well rounded person. In fact many statistics show quite the opposite.

There are no guarantees that they will get on with their sibling or have a close relationship with them in adulthood - especially as the dynamic will be quite different to regular siblings if you go down the adoption or donor route.

Of course there can be pros but I feel like you are looking through rose-tinted glasses at the idea of having another child.

As a mum of an only child I spent many years thinking I should have a second but my husband was less keen (not the father of my child) and so it didn’t happen. Honestly, now I couldn’t imagine it being any more than the 3 of us plus our dog. My child is very rounded and happy and has his friends and cousins. I sometimes think it would have been lovely for him to have had a sibling, but with that would have come a lot more stress, cost and less time to give to devote to my child.

Try to be truthful with yourself - do you really think you are wanting to do it for your child or because it is something you have got into your head that you have to have?

If I were you I would go to counselling and try to get to the bottom of why you feel you so desperately need a second child to fulfil your happiness - certainly before you break your family unit up in an attempt to have a second that may not even come to fruition.

How much are you considering the lack of dad for the sperm donor child, their lack of knowledge of their genetic history? Does your want come above that child’s needs? Because it shouldn’t

Except it not just the ‘desire to have another child’ mattering more, it’s the lack of cooperation, compromise and empathy for his wife’s feelings that are damaging the marriage too.

She had a miscarriage and he told her he was glad!!

I think your partner has been very slack here. He's basically waited until it's almost too late to announce he's not fussed. You're at different life stages here, OP. He has plenty of options. It sounds like you are well-placed to be a single parent and well set up financially. It sounds like you've done the lion's share of the work anyway. If you are certain that this is what you want, you should go for it.

As is often said on here, there isn't really a compromise when one partner wants a child and the other doesn't, the one who doesn't gets their way because no child should come into the world unwanted. He did go along with the attempt - and with all the rest of the fertility struggles previously - so it's not like he's not tried. The miscarriage issue needs dealing with between them, in counselling, not stoking on here. After all they've been through, and how fixated on a second baby the OP is, his reaction likely to be more nuanced than you're making it sound. They both need to have empathy and help to hear each other out and find a way forward, not to ramp up the resentment and lack of understanding.

If you are divorcing your husband because the main motive is to have a second baby, then I think you need to have a really hard think about who’s needs you are putting first regarding your existing child.

If your main motivation is that your relationship is dead in the water due to irreconcilable differences, then that’s a bit different.

But I think you need to think very carefully on which one it is.

My take on this, btw, may be informed by the fact that I'm a sperm donor baby, but from an earlier era so I wasn't told until I'd grown up thinking my dad was my bio dad. I was glad and never thought of him as anything other than my dad. It would have been very different to not have had a dad around and only a mum, especially if my sibling had a dad. As a PP said, it might be more common now, but that doesn't mean it's a good choice to make when you have a DH and DC in a family unit and can work on your problems and have a secure home for DS.

Regardless of another child your husband has led you on then not supported you through a miscarriage and that personally is why I would leave

The relationship is going to be over either way, you are going to resent him massively which kills a relationship dead. To be honest the way he acted during your miscarriage was abhorrent and I’m surprised you don’t despise him.

I can also guarantee he would have more children if you left, more than likely with a younger woman…which tells you all you need to know.

There's no way of not putting this harshly but you would be breathtakingly selfish to consider this. Not only would you deprive your son of a stable two parent family, you would also give your second hypothetical child a lifelong feeling of inadequacy that his half sibling had a good relationship with your current husband and they didn't. And that's without considering how your son would feel later on when he finds out the reason he only sees his dad for half of his life. I know the zeitgeist at present is not to judge people's choices but I'm afraid I would judge anyone doing this extremely harshly. It is one of the most selfish things you could do in this situation

There's already some good advice here - the best being go to counselling. Work out if you can save your marriage, or if you even want to. Your husband hasn't been great throughout this and clearly you feel very resentful, which is fair given how unsupportive he's been. However you have to accept some blame here. You say you've always wanted a big family but you married a man who didn't share that vision. This is something to talk about before you marry so you don't land in this situation.
In terms of having another kid - I'll be honest and say I don't think you've actually thought about your son at all. Or your potential future child. Your current child will feel all the anger that a child of divorce does. And possibly hate the sibling that you left his father to have. A sibling who would have 1 parent while big bro had 2. A sibling who isn't the product of love between two people but the result of conflict and selfish desire. What happens to the older kid who is still reeling from a new co-parenting life when mummy has a tiny baby to deal with all by herself? I've got to say this whole thing sounds terrible for the kids - real and imaginary.
That being said, I don't advocate staying in your marriage if you're miserable. That's possibly the worst of all worlds here.
So I conclude as I began - get counselling to start untangling some of this.
Ps I am from a big family and I used to ask Santa to be an only child every year. Its not some magical fairytale for everyone.

So this. I could never forgive or forget that he was pleased about a miscarriage.

@Clementine1945 if you stay and the resentment gets the better of you or either of you end the relationship . He has another child and you can’t . That would be devastating.

I think this could possibly split you up anyway. One way or another.

You say you've always wanted a big family but you married a man who didn't share that vision. This is something to talk about before you marry so you don't land in this situation.

Agree, though if I've done the maths right, they got together when he was 21 and she was 28, so the chances of him knowing what he wanted family-wise was slim and likely to change a lot in his 20s and 30s, as is quite normal for many men - and women. So as a candidate for a shared vision of a big family, he was always going to be a risk even without all the fertility struggles mixed in.

I wouldn’t choose a hypothetical future child over my actual child I already have, but go for it, just make sure you keep well hidden from your child you already have the fact they weren’t enough for you. If your relationship is over then leave, but don’t make it about “giving” them a sibling because that’s a hell of a thing to put on a person.

you need to reframe your thinking on this situation….are you happy to stay in this marriage without a chance of another child? Ultimately is there any coming back from this or is the distance too great. That needs to be the basis of your decision because more than anything because if you will always resent him for this then you can’t stay. It’s not fair on anybody.

He could leave you for someone else and have more children!

I’d go for it if I were you and pretty quickly too!

I don't think your son is going to kiss your feet in gratitude at having a sibling (if it even happens). He'll be shared between you and your DH, instead of having 2 parents at home and he'll also have to share your affections with a crying, puking baby - which is only a half sibling anyway. This isn't about your existing child, this is all about you.

If you needed IVF for your son and recently had a miscarriage via IVF again combined with your age, then you might miscarry again. You would’ve left your husband and torn apart the life your young son knows. You’re thinking about yourself and not your son’s best interests.