Sex whilst asleep

[Isitjustmee]

Hi,

First post on here so please be gentle.

I keep waking up in the middle of the night to my partner trying to have sex with me or giving me oral.

I’ve told them I don’t like being woken up like this and find it pretty weird. it then stops for a month or so and then slowly starts to happen again.

I usually continue with it once I’m awake as I enjoy it but I do find it a bit unsettling.

I live with my DP and we are due to get married next summer but this is a bit of a yellow flag for me if I’m being honest!

Would that also apply if the OP was a woman? 🙄

You need to end it and she needs to find a man happy to have sex without a condom, there are plenty of them around judging by the threads on here every day. A man who wants to be an involved dad would be a bonus.

Regardless of what happens once the OP is awake, it’s initially non consensual. And, yes, perhaps the OP then gets physically aroused and continues with it — but that doesn’t mean it’s not assault. You are victim blaming.

Boke.

Yes, still assault.

I'd leave and make it bloody clear why.

'No means no'.

She's a right creepy cow.
Let's hope she's not succeeded in her master plan to get pregnant. Kids with someone manipulative like her would be a nightmare.

It does make somewhat of a difference. It's wrong in either case, of course, but the fact of the matter is that a man can physically overpower a woman if he chooses to. That awareness of how quickly the situation could escalate to violence is going to uppermost in the woman's mind, when she wakes up to find herself in this position. So if she "goes along with it" she's not doing so because she enjoys it, as the male OP is. She's more likely to be in a fear response of freeze or fawn.

That's the difference. The fear factor. OP isn't afraid his partner will hurt him if he says no. It's awkward and he doesn't like it and he doesn't want an argument, but he's not afraid that if he did say no, she'd overpower him and rape him anyway. He knows he could push her off and stop her, if he wanted to.

For me, it does make a difference and I would give different advice depending on the circumstances. Doesn't mean I have no sympathy for OP, or excuse this woman's behaviour. I don't. But the risk and fear is not the same.

OP. I'm concerned that she might do other things to you? This isn't a sign of a healthy or equal relationship.

If you've made it clear that you don't want this to happen but she does it and you go along with it. I know there are a million different reasons why you would do this (I'm not blaming you) but are you concerned about the consequences of making her stop? What would happen if you pushed her off?

I'll say it again, I'm not saying this is your fault. You said no, she ignored that and also took away your opportunity to say no.

You don't have to be physically stronger/bigger etc to cause fear.

Plenty of people are abused by people smaller or weaker than them. It doesn't make it any less.

Physicality is just one aspect of fear. Sometimes the consequences of fighting back (even if you know you'll win) are far worse and that is just as scary.

Locally a woman was in the paper raising awareness of domestic abuse. Her ex husband was smaller than she was and disabled but he would rape her. She could have fought back quite easily but she said that she knew if she stopped him, he would make her life hell. She gave some examples of what he did to punish her for saying no, none of it was physical abuse but what he did was awful. I can completely understand why she let him do what he did to her.

Another story I remember reading was an older woman bullying a young teen into having sex with her. He was bigger than she was but she completely messed with his head and then because he knew he could physically hurt her and because he didn't want to be accused of raping her, he didn't know how to stop it. He was scared and could have stopped it but wasn't able to. It only came out when he burst into tears in front of his mum.

Okay. But I think you would agree those instances are rare exceptions to the norm? By his own admission, this is not the case for OP, and it's not the case for the vast majority of men either.

Even the examples you've given . . . one is a woman assaulted by her disabled husband, who appears to have been a coercive controller, and the other a teenage boy groomed and blackmailed by an adult. Neither was a grown man afraid of a woman. That is much, much rarer to find.

I can condemn women who sexually assault / try to coerce men into sex, without pretending their abuse is identical in nature to that committed by men. It usually isn't.

My ex husband used to do this.
I'd wake up (fortunately l'm a very light sleeper) with him on top of me.
He'd deny all knowledge, saying he was asleep and didn't know what he was doing.
Absolute bollocks. It's rape, pure and simple.

My ex used to do this. It was horrible and now I look back it was rape. I’m sorry you’re going through this

That's a vile comment regarding sexual assault