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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Sex whilst asleep

136 replies

Isitjustmee · 27/03/2025 15:22

Hi,

First post on here so please be gentle.

I keep waking up in the middle of the night to my partner trying to have sex with me or giving me oral.

I’ve told them I don’t like being woken up like this and find it pretty weird. it then stops for a month or so and then slowly starts to happen again.

I usually continue with it once I’m awake as I enjoy it but I do find it a bit unsettling.

I live with my DP and we are due to get married next summer but this is a bit of a yellow flag for me if I’m being honest!

OP posts:

twinmumoffour85 · 27/03/2025 15:41

This is definitely not ok OP and you know it. I had this happen to me in my first marriage and I also caught him taking photos of me when I was sleeping several times. Things got a lot darker and a lot worse for us until I eventually left him.

10 years later and I still have night terrors about this. I wake up screaming as I imagine someone standing over or on top of me. It’s absolutely awful.

Please do not marry this man as I suspect this is only the tip of the iceberg of what he is a) capable of and b) what his sexual desires are.

Velvian · 27/03/2025 15:42

Do not marry this man. You cannot consent if you are asleep.

Original poster

Isitjustmee · 27/03/2025 15:43

I'm sorry, I should have made it clearer, I'm a he and my partner is a she.

I don't think it makes any difference, its still non-consensual sex right?

I think she does it as she wants to get pregnant, we use condoms when sex is fully consensual but quite often i wake to find her on top of me with no condom on obviously.

OP posts:

LurkyMcLurkinson · 27/03/2025 15:45

Isitjustmee · 27/03/2025 15:43

I'm sorry, I should have made it clearer, I'm a he and my partner is a she.

I don't think it makes any difference, its still non-consensual sex right?

I think she does it as she wants to get pregnant, we use condoms when sex is fully consensual but quite often i wake to find her on top of me with no condom on obviously.

It makes absolutely no difference.

Twiglets1 · 27/03/2025 15:45

Isitjustmee · 27/03/2025 15:43

I'm sorry, I should have made it clearer, I'm a he and my partner is a she.

I don't think it makes any difference, its still non-consensual sex right?

I think she does it as she wants to get pregnant, we use condoms when sex is fully consensual but quite often i wake to find her on top of me with no condom on obviously.

Yes it's still non consensual and a red flag.

Even worse that she is trying to manipulate you into possibly getting her pregnant when presumably you don't want to (based on you saying you normally wear condoms).

MattCauthon · 27/03/2025 15:45

No, it makes no difference except that it's not rape. It's still not okay. If you have said you don't like it, then she should not do it. And obviously if she's initiating condom-free sex without your consent, this is a huge issue.

This relationship has a lot of red flags. The sexual consent stuff, but also - why is she trying to force you to have a baby? If you don't want a baby, you don't have a baby. And it might be that therefore the relationship must end becuase she does and you don't.

PsychoHotSauce · 27/03/2025 15:45

I think she does it as she wants to get pregnant, we use condoms when sex is fully consensual but quite often i wake to find her on top of me with no condom on obviously.

Oh HELL no. Get the fuck out of there now.

MsNevermore · 27/03/2025 15:47

Isitjustmee · 27/03/2025 15:43

I'm sorry, I should have made it clearer, I'm a he and my partner is a she.

I don't think it makes any difference, its still non-consensual sex right?

I think she does it as she wants to get pregnant, we use condoms when sex is fully consensual but quite often i wake to find her on top of me with no condom on obviously.

Don’t matter what sex each party is - unwanted sexual contact is sexual assault.

And the fact that you’ve said she wants to get pregnant but you use condoms normally, is even more sinister.

BatchCookBabe · 27/03/2025 15:47

Deleted.

GatherlyGal · 27/03/2025 15:48

Sorry to assume OP but no this does not make it ok.

It is a general disregard for your feelings and wants as well as trampling all over your boundaries.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/03/2025 15:49

Being male doesn’t make a difference. Ok you can most probably fight her off as you’re likely the physically strongest of the 2 of you. However, it is awful she’s trying to get pregnant with you without your consent.

BIWI · 27/03/2025 15:49

OK so legally it’s not rape. But it’s still sexual assault. And the idea that she might be doing this to get pregnant is awful.

ItGhoul · 27/03/2025 15:49

Isitjustmee · 27/03/2025 15:43

I'm sorry, I should have made it clearer, I'm a he and my partner is a she.

I don't think it makes any difference, its still non-consensual sex right?

I think she does it as she wants to get pregnant, we use condoms when sex is fully consensual but quite often i wake to find her on top of me with no condom on obviously.

It's sexual assault/rape regardless; it makes no difference which of you is male and which is female. It's horrible and you've told her you don't like and she keeps doing it. It's abuse. You really need to leave this relationship for your own safety and wellbeing.

Hwi · 27/03/2025 15:49

Vile!

Hayley1256 · 27/03/2025 15:50

I'd find this a red flag as you've told them not to do it and they continue to do so.

Orangemintcream · 27/03/2025 15:50

Your partner is sexual assaulting you.

Please please please leave her.

I have edited to reflect your update. I understand under UK law you need a penis for it to be called rape - but it doesn’t matter.

This is utterly unacceptable penis or no penis.

SmurfKingdom · 27/03/2025 15:50

Male or female, my answer would be the same - that is sexual assault. Plain and simple.

HmmLikeAVillager · 27/03/2025 15:52

Why are you in a relationship with someone who sexually assaults you while you sleep to get a baby?
You know this is not right, so leave before you get her pregnant.

Butchyrestingface · 27/03/2025 15:52

Isitjustmee · 27/03/2025 15:43

I'm sorry, I should have made it clearer, I'm a he and my partner is a she.

I don't think it makes any difference, its still non-consensual sex right?

I think she does it as she wants to get pregnant, we use condoms when sex is fully consensual but quite often i wake to find her on top of me with no condom on obviously.

She's sexually assaulting you and you believe it's so she can become pregnant (presumably you don't want to become a parent at this point?).

You need to leave. What is your idea of a 'red' flag?

Orangemintcream · 27/03/2025 15:52

To add - there are specialist services for domestic violence/sexual assault for men. Please contact one.

Nothinglikeagoodbook · 27/03/2025 15:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

whatf · 27/03/2025 15:56

This behaviour is completely unacceptable.

FortyElephants · 27/03/2025 15:56

Isitjustmee · 27/03/2025 15:43

I'm sorry, I should have made it clearer, I'm a he and my partner is a she.

I don't think it makes any difference, its still non-consensual sex right?

I think she does it as she wants to get pregnant, we use condoms when sex is fully consensual but quite often i wake to find her on top of me with no condom on obviously.

What??
Shes trying to get pregnant without your consent by sexually assaulting you in your sleep and you think this is a 'yellow flag'?
is this for real?

Apreslapluielesoleil · 27/03/2025 15:56

didn’t see your update.

I think running for the hills is your best bet.

Butchyrestingface · 27/03/2025 15:57

Apreslapluielesoleil · 27/03/2025 15:56

didn’t see your update.

I think running for the hills is your best bet.

Edited

The OP is male. The person assaulting him is female.

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