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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sex whilst asleep

136 replies

Isitjustmee · 27/03/2025 15:22

Hi,

First post on here so please be gentle.

I keep waking up in the middle of the night to my partner trying to have sex with me or giving me oral.

I’ve told them I don’t like being woken up like this and find it pretty weird. it then stops for a month or so and then slowly starts to happen again.

I usually continue with it once I’m awake as I enjoy it but I do find it a bit unsettling.

I live with my DP and we are due to get married next summer but this is a bit of a yellow flag for me if I’m being honest!

OP posts:
Bestfootforward11 · 27/03/2025 16:38

Rape needs penile penetration. these acts could amount sexual assault section 3 of sexual offences act 2003

see s.75(2)(d) on link below re when asleep

www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/2003/42/section/75

Wakemeupbe4yougogo · 27/03/2025 16:38

She's obviously desperate to get pregnant. At best she's devious. You have a right to choose when you start a family together and she's over-riding your consent here. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who did that.

Sassybooklover · 27/03/2025 16:38

My ex partner used to do this. At the time, I was much younger, naive and didn't really understand the impact of his behaviour. Fast forward 20 years, where I have been happily married for 16 years but to this day, I won't sleep naked, I always wear knickers. Now I am older, I understand that my ex never had my consent for sex; I was asleep, you can't consent if you're asleep. You have clearly stated to your partner that you don't like his behaviour, he stops for awhile and reverts back. You need a serious conversation with him, it's assault at best, rape at worst. It's a massive red flag.

CurlewKate · 27/03/2025 16:38

It’s rape. Pure and simple.

CurlewKate · 27/03/2025 16:39

Ah, no. My mistake. It’s not rape. But it is sexual assault.

RatedDoingMagic · 27/03/2025 16:40

Don't marry this person!

FFS it is not hard to understand the meaning of the word "Consent" and as far as this person is concerned they doesn't need your consent to start sex. That attitude makes someone a rapist. Not a potential future spouse.

Here's a handy video about consent, using the analogy of a cup of tea:

link to youtube

it explains quite clearly about how people who are asleep or unconscious can't give consent.

Tadah2 · 27/03/2025 16:40

Oh I’m so sorry, this is sexual assault. Imagine if this was your child (I know you don’t have children), brother or friend - what would your advice be. That’s not ok, and even worse she is trying to get pregnant without your consent. Please leave now. Marriage is a commitment of life and finances and leaving will be much more difficult to untangle once you are married/with children. Get out now. You only have one life, please spend it with someone who respects you and doesn’t abuse you. You’ve posted here as you know deep down it is wrong, as hard as it must feel to leave, please don’t spend your one life being abused.

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 27/03/2025 16:41

CurlewKate · 27/03/2025 16:38

It’s rape. Pure and simple.

No its not. OP is a man and his P is a ‘she’ so it’s likely NOT rape, and if she gets herself pregnant by shagging him in her sleep its anything but pure and simple.

Cucy · 27/03/2025 16:42

No this is not ok!

I would tell her that if it happens again, she will need to sleep downstairs.

I would tell her if it happens another time after that, then the relationship is over.

Really you should not be giving her anymore chances because you’ve already told her how you feel.

She’s sexually assaulting you and what’s worse if that if she did fall pregnant, she will claim you are just as much to blame.

At the very least she’s being very disrespectful and doing something that she knows makes you feel uncomfortable.

It’s disgusting behaviour from someone who’s meant to love you.

Nothinglikeagoodbook · 27/03/2025 16:45

BetterWithPockets · 27/03/2025 16:37

I’m sorry — what? Would you give the same advice to a woman? That’s shocking.

OP, this is not right. I’d run for the hills, personally.

Show quote history

Why do you find my comment shocking? If I woke up to find someone having sex with me without my consent, unless possibly I was scared for my life I would shout "Get off!!" very loudly and push them off forcefully. Then I would tell them it was sexual assault and if it ever happened again I would leave and maybe contact the police.

But OP said "I usually continue with it once I’m awake as I enjoy it".

Loloj · 27/03/2025 16:46

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 27/03/2025 16:24

Your thread is now an absolute mess due to you being vague about the sexes of those involved. Why don’t you ask to have it deleted and start again with the OP including that you’re male and she is (presumably) female (you say your partner is a she, but these days that could still technically include someone with a penis, in which case it IS in fact rape.).

Maybe report your thread and ask to have it deleted so that you can get appropriately targeted advice and sources of support.

Edited

Understand your point but OP says it’s because she is likely trying to get pregnant so I don’t think “she” has a penis.

Actually the fact that OP wasn’t clear on the sexes is irrelevant. It is still sexual assault in this situation. (Or rape if it was a man penetrating a woman without her consent).

Cucy · 27/03/2025 16:46

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 27/03/2025 16:24

Your thread is now an absolute mess due to you being vague about the sexes of those involved. Why don’t you ask to have it deleted and start again with the OP including that you’re male and she is (presumably) female (you say your partner is a she, but these days that could still technically include someone with a penis, in which case it IS in fact rape.).

Maybe report your thread and ask to have it deleted so that you can get appropriately targeted advice and sources of support.

Edited

How was it vague?

The reason behind the post is that one person is having sex with the other, even though they’ve explicitly told them that they don’t want it and it makes them feel uncomfortable.

The sexes are irrelevant because it wouldn’t make it any better if this was a same sex relationship or the opposite sexes.

SuspiciousChipmunk · 27/03/2025 16:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I’d usually report post like this normalising rape culture. In this case I’ll leave it as it shows how much harder it can be for male survivors of SA to be taken seriously.

Nothinglikeagoodbook · 27/03/2025 16:48

SuspiciousChipmunk · 27/03/2025 16:46

I’d usually report post like this normalising rape culture. In this case I’ll leave it as it shows how much harder it can be for male survivors of SA to be taken seriously.

Show quote history

Feel free to report it if you want to. I don’t think it normalises rape culture at all, considering OP said "I usually continue with it once I’m awake as I enjoy it".

SnoopyPajamas · 27/03/2025 16:51

Why were you so vague about your genders in the original post, OP? Did you think people would be kinder if they believed you were a woman? Most people assumed you were female and your DP was a man, and answered based on that.

Obviously, for a woman, this situation feels more physically threatening, and carries with it the risk of pregnancy, or of escalating sexual fetish. We all remember the case of that poor woman in France, whose husband invited hundreds of strange men to rape her in her sleep. Other posters have mentioned having naked pictures of them taken while they were asleep. We can pretend all things are equal here, but the fact of the matter is that such things aren't as likely to be a threat with the genders reversed as they are in your case. So most of the advice you got initially wasn't helpful.

What is more likely is that your female partner is doing this in an attempt to become pregnant. She's trying to weaken your defences by waiting until you're half asleep and not as 'with it' as you would normally be. You obviously bear responsibility here too, because you say you do go along with it. But your DP has clearly figured out that this is a way to get you to engage in the unprotected sex she wants. That's a giant red flag for the future of your relationship, as it suggests she is willing to manipulate you to get what she wants. It's unlikely this behaviour won't manifest in other ways.

Even if you say it's enjoyable in the moment, when you look back on it, the way she initiates must make you feel like an object? Just a body for her to use. And her unwillingness to use condoms has to be eroding your trust. This isn't a yellow flag, it's a red.

PrettayGood · 27/03/2025 16:51

BunnyLake · 27/03/2025 16:18

It is ok if you both like it. OP doesn’t and he has told his girlfriend to not do it. She’s not respecting his boundaries.

Show quote history

My comment was garbled. In my defence, I’m slightly pissed. I meant it’s only ok if they both like it.

fruitbrewhaha · 27/03/2025 16:51

Oh god don’t marry her. This is not how a relationship works.

JustAboutMuddlingThrough · 27/03/2025 16:52

My exh did the same to me for 4 years, only it wouldn’t make a difference if I was asleep or awake. If I was asleep I’d feel him pin his body weight on top of me knowing that I’d never be able to push him off me and if I was awake and I told him no he’d use violence. It could be anything from punching me to pinching hard on the insides of my thighs. He has totally destroyed me and 7 years later I’m still trying to find the courage to go to the Police

TheFormidableMrsC · 27/03/2025 16:52

My ex husband did this. It’s rape. No consent.

Loloj · 27/03/2025 16:52

“I usually continue with it once I’m awake as I enjoy it but I do find it a bit unsettling.”

Do not continue to allow it to happen. Set your boundaries - tell her clearly that she is sexually assaulting you and that you do not want it to happen as you find it unsettling and you do not like it or enjoy it.

I’m not at all condoning what she is doing but it sounds like you have given mixed messages.

You need to have a very clear conversation with her where you state that it is unacceptable and you do not consent to this. If she over-steps the mark again then you know what you need to do.

ilovemoney · 27/03/2025 17:44

Makes no difference to me the sex of either party. I would think this is creepy and gross from anyone male or female. I think this is grounds to end the relationship OP. You deserve respect. Look after yourself. Women can abuse too including sexual abuse.

Cucy · 27/03/2025 17:45

Nothinglikeagoodbook · 27/03/2025 16:48

Feel free to report it if you want to. I don’t think it normalises rape culture at all, considering OP said "I usually continue with it once I’m awake as I enjoy it".

Show quote history

OP that it has said they don’t want to do it and have told their partner how uncomfortable it makes them feel.

You wouldn’t cook a vegetarian a hidden meat dish just because they end up enjoying it.

It’s completely going against his boundaries and it’s sexual assault.

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 27/03/2025 17:48

Cucy · 27/03/2025 16:46

How was it vague?

The reason behind the post is that one person is having sex with the other, even though they’ve explicitly told them that they don’t want it and it makes them feel uncomfortable.

The sexes are irrelevant because it wouldn’t make it any better if this was a same sex relationship or the opposite sexes.

Show quote history

I understand that but its then peppered with people having to edit their posts and tripping over the definition of rape. It just would have been simpler if the OP had been clearer and then the advice could have been more useful and not just posters arguing over the presence of a penis etc

BatchCookBabe · 27/03/2025 17:51

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 27/03/2025 17:48

I understand that but its then peppered with people having to edit their posts and tripping over the definition of rape. It just would have been simpler if the OP had been clearer and then the advice could have been more useful and not just posters arguing over the presence of a penis etc

Show quote history

Exactly this. ^

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 27/03/2025 17:55

@Loloj and yes, I forgot the pregnant part when mentioning the penis part! The DP is clearly female but had we all known that from the off we could have focussed on that part (her trying to essentially steal OP’s sperm against his wishes) rather than assuming OP was female (not unreasonable on MN) and focusing on the perceived disparity in strength and vulnerability of M to F coercion/rape.