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Original poster

Cancer and a break up.

118 replies

StLucia4 · 25/03/2025 00:56

I’ve been with my boyfriend 16 months. We have just broke up, initiated by me but he is two weeks into a cancer journey. Am I such a horrible person to never return? I have just gone no contact as I’m tired of the disappointment and hurting during our relationship.

OP posts:
OpalMaker · 25/03/2025 00:59

Take the cancer out of the picture, would the relationship have ended anyway?

If the relationship wouldn’t have survived, you cannot self-immolate because someone who hasn’t treated you well has sadly been diagnosed with cancer. You have your own wonderful unique potential to fulfil, don’t derail it.

Original poster
StLucia4 · 25/03/2025 01:19

@OpalMaker It may have. I’m still in love with him but as the saying goes.. love is not enough. There’s only so much sadness one can take. I need to heal and move on.

OP posts:
supercali77 · 25/03/2025 06:41

Leaving 2 weeks after a diagnosis and going no contact does seem quite...brutal? The no contact part specifically.

K8ate · 26/03/2025 08:24

Obviously we don’t know the circumstances of what’s happened in your relationship, so it’s impossible to say really.

But taken purely on face value, leaving someone 2 weeks into a cancer diagnosis is a pretty shitty thing to do.

Bananalanacake · 26/03/2025 10:03

Depends on what he did to you, if he was abusive or controlling you are quite right to leave. If it was no longer working for you you could stay friends and support him if needed.

Housemouse245 · 26/03/2025 10:26

It sounds brutal to me, surely after 16 months it’s a committed relationship?

Original poster
StLucia4 · 31/03/2025 00:59

I’m sorry. I should have given you more of a back story. My ex boyfriend is the most kindest, gentle person I’ve ever met. We split up because, after 16months together, he has yet to say ILY. He is a widower since Aug 22 and I believe I’ve been thoroughly patient.
it matters to me that he’s yet to tell me. We are now arguing over other things. I’ve had enough. I feel bad about his cancer but I was going slowly insane.

OP posts:
CookingFatCat · 31/03/2025 01:48

Does he show love to you? Easy to say it.

Cookingtime · 31/03/2025 07:10

That’s a truly horrible thing to do and of he had instead been the one to go no contact I would have said good for him and I hope he never speaks to you again.

It doesn’t get much worse and low down than what you have described. You are pretty nasty and horrible. You asked for an opinion and there you have it.

Be careful about karma, what goes around comes around.

BlondeMummyto1 · 31/03/2025 07:27

He’s had a lucky escape from you.

Fiery30 · 31/03/2025 07:37

Breaking up is one thing but going no contact is harsh and insensitive. You don't have to be in a relationship to be a nice person and a friend, especially since he was kind and loving to you.

DenholmElliot11 · 31/03/2025 07:44

I agree with the kinder posters here. It's ok to break up, it really is - if you don't think he loves you and he never says he loves you then, well, maybe he should have. Maybe he'd have a loving partner now.

You shouldn't go no contact though. Check in with him now and again.

Marriage vows are in sickness and health, for better for worse. He's not your husband though. Ultimately, he's just a man you dated briefly. There were ones before him and there'll likely be ones after him. They come and go. You take care of yourself.

jay55 · 31/03/2025 09:03

I think 16months when you’re unsure of his feelings/commitment it’s fine to walk away, it’s too soon to put your life on hold to care for him should he need it.

Growlybear83 · 31/03/2025 10:51

Fiery30 · 31/03/2025 07:37

Breaking up is one thing but going no contact is harsh and insensitive. You don't have to be in a relationship to be a nice person and a friend, especially since he was kind and loving to you.

I agree with you and having gone through cancer treatment, I can imagine how desperate and terrified the OPs now ex partner must be feeling. Most people I’ve met who have had cancer have been shocked in a good way by how some really unexpected people have rallied round to support them, and similarly, many have had an experience of someone they thought cared about them disappearing as soon as they were diagnosed. The hurt that you feel when someone you have been close to you deserts you when you really need support stays with you for ever and is hard to forgive. I understand if you feel the relationship has run it’s course, but to just abandon your partner after 16 months is cruel, selfish, and unforgivable.

Macaroni46 · 31/03/2025 13:49

I think you’ve been pretty unkind tbh. Does it really matter if he’s said ILY? Really? When he’s battling with cancer?
I don’t see the need to go no contact. All seems bit dramatic and self-absorbed on your part.

Chezxx · 31/03/2025 14:14

You are not compatible.
He needs to focus on his health.
You need to move on.

Chunkilumptious · 31/03/2025 16:31

It may have been a much bigger deal to him to say he loved you (or anyone) because he was a fairly recently widower when you got together (and actually still is in the scheme of things). I don't know that for sure but it could have been the case if you otherwise felt secure and cared for and wanted in the relationship.

If you wanted to end the relationship, it's probably best you've done so, but I don't think you've behaved well or been empathetic here.

Original poster
StLucia4 · 01/04/2025 00:48

I ended the relationship because it hurts to still be in contact. We’ve broken up so many times, I don’t want to keep things going by being in touch. Going no contact is the only way to get him off my mind.
Any cancer is a horrible thing to have but as said up thread, he has lots of F&F who can look after him.

OP posts:
Whatevershallidowithmylife · 01/04/2025 00:51

Just stay away from him, I think its for the best.

altmember · 01/04/2025 01:29

By not saying ILY after 16 months he wasn't fulfilling your needs, and you are absolutely allowed to end a relationship and cut contact with someone for any reason you choose. Just for future reference though, in these circumstances it would probably be kinder to stab him through the heart with a steak knife.

Original poster
StLucia4 · 01/04/2025 08:05

Because my mind was all over the place when I submitted this thread I didn’t say that lately, he’s shown signs of jealousy and acted upon it. Stalked my fb despite the many conversations we’ve had about it He’s not introduced me to his family (her family by marriage) bc I guess he wasn’t ready or he didn’t want to upset her family (her parents are still alive) so I have been a secret all this time!
yrs, he’s a gentle man but I think after 16months together, he should have been able to introduce me by now. I’m not some commodity he can lean on when he feels like it.
i know cancer is cancer but it’s been caught in the early stages so it’s not life a death.
thank you for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it.

OP posts:
Chunkilumptious · 01/04/2025 08:25

I knew you'd start coming on it with worse and worse sounding things he'd supposedly done to justify your decision.

Look, if you're not happy with the progress of the relationship it's understandable you would wish to discontinue it.

However, I think the issue for most commenters (me at least, and if I understand the others correctly) is that you don't seem to have gone about it in a nice way at all. You've accepted this or pinged backwards and forwards for months indecisively. Then when he's had this diagnosis you've suddenly cut ties very quickly and harshly.

I think many people would have said 'look, I think the relationship is winding down. I respect that you needed more time than I could give for certain things such as expressing love and introducing family, and now isn't the time to address it. However, but I'm here for you as friends' and meant that. At least for the time being.

I'm sorry but you don't know how his prognosis will pan out. Accept you want to simply cut ties without showing empathy at a time like this which is quite shitty. You don't have to want to be in a relationship. People don't have to agree with the manner in which you've gone about it.

ThisRose · 01/04/2025 08:28

Growlybear83 · 31/03/2025 10:51

I agree with you and having gone through cancer treatment, I can imagine how desperate and terrified the OPs now ex partner must be feeling. Most people I’ve met who have had cancer have been shocked in a good way by how some really unexpected people have rallied round to support them, and similarly, many have had an experience of someone they thought cared about them disappearing as soon as they were diagnosed. The hurt that you feel when someone you have been close to you deserts you when you really need support stays with you for ever and is hard to forgive. I understand if you feel the relationship has run it’s course, but to just abandon your partner after 16 months is cruel, selfish, and unforgivable.

Show quote history

I agree and couldn’t have put it better myself.

Growlybear83 · 01/04/2025 09:40

@StLucia4. ‘I know cancer is cancer but it’s been caught in the early stages so it’s not life a death’

Mumsnet can be a very heartless place at times, but I’m not sure I’ve ever read anything quite so cold and callous before, even on here. You’ve shown your true colours and I think the poor man is better off without you with an attitude like this. I really do hope for your sake that you don’t end up on the receiving end of someone totally lacking compassion like you in the future if you’re unfortunate enough to develop cancer - then you will understand what it means to have your diagnosis minimised like this. It doesn’t matter how early cancer is caught, it changes your life for ever.

Naunet · 01/04/2025 09:45

Cookingtime · 31/03/2025 07:10

That’s a truly horrible thing to do and of he had instead been the one to go no contact I would have said good for him and I hope he never speaks to you again.

It doesn’t get much worse and low down than what you have described. You are pretty nasty and horrible. You asked for an opinion and there you have it.

Be careful about karma, what goes around comes around.

Don't be ridiculous, OP doesn't owe him a relationship, and seeing as he doesnt love her anyway, why do you expect her to stay with him just for his benefit?