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Original poster

Cancer and a break up.

118 replies

StLucia4 · 25/03/2025 00:56

I’ve been with my boyfriend 16 months. We have just broke up, initiated by me but he is two weeks into a cancer journey. Am I such a horrible person to never return? I have just gone no contact as I’m tired of the disappointment and hurting during our relationship.

OP posts:
Growlybear83 · 01/04/2025 15:06

StLucia4 · 01/04/2025 14:58

And that’s exactly how I was feeling. Fed up with the constant breaking up. Hurt bc I felt used. All of these feelings were prior to his diagnosis.
Life goes on and yes, he’s better off without me!
If I stick around to offer him support, I think I’ll feel sad that I left him which is not conducive of a clean break nor of my intention to live without him . I don’t want to muddy the waters between feeling sorry for him and wondering if I still love him 6months down the line!

So long as you feel ok then, your feelings aren’t hurt any more, and you don’t feel’sad’ by offering him the most basic of support, that’s ok then. I truly hope you’re never one of the one in two people who have a cancer diagnosis in the course of their lifetime, but if you do, you’re in for a very rude awakening if people treat you the way you’ve treated someone you were in a relationship shop with for 16 months. Your boyfriend’s kindness and selflessness certainly didn’t rub off on you, did it!

Chunkilumptious · 01/04/2025 15:27

StLucia4 · 01/04/2025 14:58

And that’s exactly how I was feeling. Fed up with the constant breaking up. Hurt bc I felt used. All of these feelings were prior to his diagnosis.
Life goes on and yes, he’s better off without me!
If I stick around to offer him support, I think I’ll feel sad that I left him which is not conducive of a clean break nor of my intention to live without him . I don’t want to muddy the waters between feeling sorry for him and wondering if I still love him 6months down the line!

If what you want is sympathy because you've caught him looking at your social media and approval of your dumping methods, you're not going to get much of it. Stick to your guns and accept the emotional ambiguity that goes with that. I think you're very unlikely to sway the thread to wholeheartedly supporting your approach. Your decision, fine. But you may have to accept it's yours and the context is an unpopular one and just get on with it instead of looking for broad approval and a way to make him the bad guy. You got with a recent widower. He now has cancer. You have dumped him and blocked. You're not the one who has suffered here. Just accept any feelings that arise from your actions.

ThisRose · 01/04/2025 15:43

Growlybear83 · 01/04/2025 14:47

@ShroudedOrchardThat’s exactly it. I don’t think there are any posts from people saying that the OP shouldn’t have ended the relationship when she did, just that she’s completely heartless and lacking in any normal empathy to have cut him off completely knowing about his diagnosis.

As I said in my first post, I expect most people who have had cancer have experienced the hurt of someone they thought was close to them not being there when they needed just a hug or a text to say’thinkjng of you’ or ‘how did your surgery go’.

I was a one to one volunteer for Breast Cancer Care for several years after my treatment And apart from being matched with people who had my particular type of surgery, I was also matched with women who were not receiving the support they needed from family/friends during diagnosis and treatment. My experience was that in many cases (but definitely not all, as is clear from ThisRose) this was because people didn’t know how to react or cope. I’ve come across very few people whose friends/partners/ family ghosted them because they didn’t care, like the OP has done. It’s not normal to just erase a 16 month relationship from your life without a thought for the feelings of someone you cared for in trying to cope with a cancer diagnosis, and the hurt that is caused by someone treating you like that is immense, and something you don’t forget.

I should clarify that it’s quite common for people to disappear at the news of a cancer diagnosis when they don’t know how to react or cope. My ex didn’t care. I had more respect for people who got in touch to apologise (sometimes after their own cancer diagnosis and treatment) to apologise and say they weren’t a very good friend to me when I was going through treatment. I could even forgive the people who burst into tears. It’s the complete ghosters I can’t forget.

It is good manners to send a card, offer to visit, offer practical support such as lifts to appointments, or send a simple text to say “Thinking of you” when someone has any kind of cancer diagnosis. I think sometimes people ‘disappear’ because they don’t like to think about their own 1 in 2 chance of getting cancer.

If the OP gets the support she needs for her decision here, good. It just seems to be all about her and not the man she’s ghosted.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 01/04/2025 15:43

Just as well he didn’t introduce you to his family. At least he doesn’t have to explain why his ‘GF’ has pushed off as soon as he has to face a life threatening illness.

Do him a favour and stay away this time.

Aoppley · 01/04/2025 15:49

Cookingtime · 31/03/2025 07:10

That’s a truly horrible thing to do and of he had instead been the one to go no contact I would have said good for him and I hope he never speaks to you again.

It doesn’t get much worse and low down than what you have described. You are pretty nasty and horrible. You asked for an opinion and there you have it.

Be careful about karma, what goes around comes around.

This. And also this is what everyone who knows him thinks of you.

Iwantmyoldnameback · 01/04/2025 15:56

I'm struggling to believe this is even real, are people really this self centred and insular?

ThisRose · 01/04/2025 16:00

Iwantmyoldnameback · 01/04/2025 15:56

I'm struggling to believe this is even real, are people really this self centred and insular?

It is fairly shocking.

FatFilledTrottyPuss · 01/04/2025 16:05

You can break up with someone at any time for any reason at all.
that said. To have no empathy for a recently widowed man and no understanding of why he wasn’t ready to say ‘I love you’ or introduce you to his family seems incredibly self absorbed and he’s probably better off without you, cancer or not.

Original poster
StLucia4 · 01/04/2025 17:23

So you agree it’s ok to break up with him because he was insecure and accused me of sleeping with an old friend years ago, stalked my fb and acted upon it as long as I stay friends with him bc he’s ill! If he was not ready to have a relationship then he should have been upfront about his feelings and binned me off! Not kept the relationship going until his feelings changed.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 01/04/2025 17:51

noidea69 · 01/04/2025 12:21

flip the genders on this and a man who dumps a women because she wont say "i love you" and she hasn't yet introduced him to her family (presumably taking it slow after death of spouse) would be called all sorts on here.

add in "i was diagnosed with cancer 2 weeks ago and he has gone non contact" the man would be called a heartless scumbag.

So what? I mean the opinions here don’t affect either party.. but i disagree:, But if the male poster described a rocky 16 month relationship which also contained limited affection I don’t think anyone would blame him from walking.

nonmerci99 · 01/04/2025 17:55

If you’ve been breaking up and getting back together a lot, it sounds like a toxic situation that probably isn’t benefiting either of you. If he’s kept you from his family and hasn’t told you he loves you, it does sound like he’s not ready to move on.

Original poster
StLucia4 · 01/04/2025 17:56

In the 16months we’d been together we broke up 4 times! 😵‍💫 all initiated by me.. we got back together bc we wanted it to work. There’s only so much sh*t a person can take.

OP posts:
Kattley · 01/04/2025 17:56

You keep changing the goal posts. Why did you originally post? Why are you looking for acceptance from a bunch of people who don’t know you or your boyfriend? Do you feel guilty and looking for reassurance? Maybe work out what you were hoping to achieve by posting. No one is living your life, no one knows your true feelings, no one knows your relationship. I will say, as someone who has a rare incurable cancer, that your airy dismissal of a cancer diagnosis is ignorant.

Doyouknowdanieltiger · 01/04/2025 17:58

OK I'm going to say it...

Does he really have cancer? If he's shown jealousy and you've dumped him for real this time, could it be a ploy to win you back?
It could Be a way to keep you coming back, and playing mind games.

Of course if he does have cancer then no contact is pretty brutal, maybe check in every few weeks for a while?

Of course it's up to you op, if it's too painful then put yourself first.

Original poster
StLucia4 · 01/04/2025 18:00

i posted to get a general consensus of opinion about whether I was a for going NC.
I think it’s very clear what most people think. And I will accept everyone’s view.
you have no idea what his cancer is but he will be cancer free by xmas. All the women in my family have died from cancer, 3 generations, so don’t tell me I don’t know what it is!
maybe I’m just more of a realistic type of person and I’m sure when my time comes, I will accept my fate and fight it with grace.

OP posts:
Kattley · 01/04/2025 18:03

Good luck with that. More realistic type of person, sure you’ll handle it better than others - Easy to say when you haven’t actually got a cancer diagnosis.

MindlessDaydream · 01/04/2025 18:09

Iwantmyoldnameback · 01/04/2025 15:56

I'm struggling to believe this is even real, are people really this self centred and insular?

It's not that uncommon, unfortunately.

You could have been a lot kinder OP.

Original poster
StLucia4 · 01/04/2025 18:13

Yes.. he definitely has cancer. I’ve seen his hospital papers.

Thank you for your input everyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
StLucia4 · 01/04/2025 18:17

Kinder? It has taken some strength to let him go and a lot of heartache but I’m tired of the hurt he’s caused. I’m just angry with myself bc we broke up at Xmas and I should never have restarted our relationship once again. But we did and now I’m back to square 1. There has to be a finality to it.

OP posts:
Charliemcgee123 · 01/04/2025 18:24

StLucia4 · 01/04/2025 17:56

In the 16months we’d been together we broke up 4 times! 😵‍💫 all initiated by me.. we got back together bc we wanted it to work. There’s only so much sh*t a person can take.

wow you’re a peice of work, are you for real? You broke up with a widower 4 times and expect him to tell you he loves you and introduce you to his support network??

are you insane?

then you kick him to the kerb when he gets a diagnosis, no friends, no support, just a fk you this is all about me and my feelings?

only so much shit he can take, you need to take some responsibility in your life and get some empathy.

i wish the guy all the best, poor guy

its April 1st has to be a joke, because your one cold hearted emotionally inept individual

Original poster
StLucia4 · 01/04/2025 18:35

@Charliemcgee123 He has tons of friends and family to support him. He’s not alone.
He wouldn’t want pity.

OP posts:
Charliemcgee123 · 01/04/2025 18:39

StLucia4 · 01/04/2025 18:35

@Charliemcgee123 He has tons of friends and family to support him. He’s not alone.
He wouldn’t want pity.

Just like what everyone has been telling you in this thread, it’s not about that.

how can someone be so blind and ignorant to their own actions?

SCWS · 01/04/2025 18:48

StLucia4 · 31/03/2025 00:59

I’m sorry. I should have given you more of a back story. My ex boyfriend is the most kindest, gentle person I’ve ever met. We split up because, after 16months together, he has yet to say ILY. He is a widower since Aug 22 and I believe I’ve been thoroughly patient.
it matters to me that he’s yet to tell me. We are now arguing over other things. I’ve had enough. I feel bad about his cancer but I was going slowly insane.

That’s a bit much. I never tell my husband I love him and we’ve been together 19 years. Only said it a handful of times, I hate saying it. I don’t know why but I really struggle to get the words out.

Poor guy. Are you sure it can’t be fixed simply because he refuses to say three words?

ThisRose · 01/04/2025 18:49

StLucia4 · 01/04/2025 18:35

@Charliemcgee123 He has tons of friends and family to support him. He’s not alone.
He wouldn’t want pity.

Well it’s a good job he wouldn’t want pity because he’s certainly not getting any from you! He was bereaved and you broke up with him four times in 16 months - no wonder he didn’t want to make it official.

Original poster
StLucia4 · 01/04/2025 18:57

Then why keep coming back?!

it just made it harder each time we broke up.

it’s not just about not saying ILY.

In this last fortnight alone, he’s accused me of sleeping with a friend years ago .. being insecure, being narky and generally giving me a reason to leave.

I really can’t say anymore than this. So it’s time to bow out.

Ty.

OP posts: