Cancer and a break up.

[StLucia4]

I’ve been with my boyfriend 16 months. We have just broke up, initiated by me but he is two weeks into a cancer journey. Am I such a horrible person to never return? I have just gone no contact as I’m tired of the disappointment and hurting during our relationship.

What do you want from this thread?

Leaving for any reason= up to you. Cutting off someone who's just had a cancer diagnosis = shit. It is possible to offer friendship or support then manage this.

What you describe re his behaviour is enough to justify leaving (you don't need a reason but y'know). It isn't enough to justify blocking or ghosting under the circs. If you want to do that it's between you and your conscience.

Your behaviour is shit. Far more noble to accept that and live with it than try and make it his fault with these petty and spurious claims.

Presumably he was also worried about cancer results

You have your reasons if you want to break up with him. Seems like the communication aspect of the relationship needed improvement as you could have had a conversation with him.

Don’t feel guilty over the cancer diagnosis - you have got to think about yourself at the same time. He will have the help and support he needs.

Reading between the lines. I don’t think he was as committed and serious about the relationship as much as you were. Writing is all on the wall with the lack of family introductions.

You will find someone else who gives you what you want.

Like being widowed young, getting cancer a few years later and then being dumped and ghosted?

@PinkArt Widowed young? He’s 68!

He didn’t have cancer at Xmas so he wasn’t worried then. He found out in March.

I didn’t ghost him, we had a talk on the phone.

Yes, I think on reflection, he saw me as a distraction from his grief.. in one year we travelled on holiday 4x

Did you split after his diagnosis - even though he's the kindest person ever ? If so, I hope karma is heading your way lady.

i think my final word in this, because I feel I’m just trying to justify my behaviour and that’s not the point of this thread ..

To me .. communication is key to any great relationship. If he’d communicated his thoughts, feelings..we wouldn’t be in this situation.

Yes, that’s all on him! Sorry!

Where as you have “maturely” dumped him 4 times in 16 months!! Doesn’t sound like you are that great at communication either!

😆😆😆. Well you e certainly shown that your communication skills are woefully lacking, as well as you empathy, compassion, and basic humanity.

@Growlybear83 My communication skills weren’t the problem .. he ignored our problems so things didn’t change!

I thought your previous post was your ‘last word’ 😆😆😆. Seriously, you do have quite serious communication skills, which I think most people on this thread would agree with.

OP what age are you? I was thinking this was a couple in their 40's but you say he is 68. Obviously you don't have to answer!

Oh wow I just assumed from the way you write that you were both very young. Probably because ghosting is a very immature way to behave and dismissing the effects of grief and cancer spoke of someone without much life experience.

It’s upsetting to see the callous and selfish nature of this woman, if the posts are genuine.

This is a sad situation but I will support women in male fields (leaving a cancer patient is so common for husbands to do that apparently women get counseled on how to cope if their marriage ends when they're diagnosed with cancer- can anyone confirm that??)

You are entitled to end any relationship at any time if it’s not working for you. You were clearly unhappy with him and I suspect the thought of supporting someone you don’t really want to be with through a cancer journey felt like too much. Had you stayed with him, would it just have been out of pity and obligation rather than because you truly want to be with him? If so you’ve probably done the right thing.

However I have to agree with pp that your posts come across quite callously. You are minimising his diagnosis and NC seems especially harsh given what he’s dealing with. You say he didn’t say ILY but if you truly loved him then I don’t think you’d be treating him this way at this time.

A clean break is probably best for everyone here. I just hope he has other people around to support him.

I've not seen anyone suggest you shouldn't have ended the relationship, merely that going NC at this point is brutal 2 weeks into a dx. Breaking up 4! Times in 16 months is once every 4 months fgs. Im not sure id say i love you to someone that ditched me with such regularity.

He's also a recent widower so I can see why he might be reluctant to introduce someone to his late wife's family. I mean, presumably they are still grieving? It's only been 2 and a half years! It's going to be a difficult and delicate thing to do

”I’ve recently been diagnosed with cancer approximately two weeks ago. My BF of 16 months has dumped and blocked me, and is going round telling everyone that it doesn’t matter because my cancer has been detected early and isn’t life or death.”

How do we think that would play out on here?

Ghosting and blocking is petty and pathetic and is generally the preserve of 15 year olds.

And it’s blatantly clear that the OP has 0 empathy.

OP be careful what you wish for.

I am currently in hospital long term with a serious diagnosis, and the amount of so called friends who have disappeared is remarkable. People just don’t want to know. And that’s fine, but they needn’t think I’ll ever approach or support any of them if I get out.

It’s generally when you fall seriously ill that you find out who the genuine people in your life are. So best hope you don’t fall seriously ill, because it will be the people you expected least that do a runner.

Yes the point of this thread was "woe is me, its all about me, me ,me" by the look of how it developed.

reality is you've behaved in a shitty way and were called out on it, that's why your trying to justify it because you refuse to accept responsibility and admit your in the wrong like an adult.

not wrong for leaving him, the relationship was over, but wrong the way you treated the break up with the emotional intelligence and empathy of a common household brick.

Honestly you should leave him. You're not happy .
The timing is rubbish. I am in the middle of cancer treatment and I need my partner to be onboard with me totally.
You are not, it's fine, it happens

I did not leave him bc of a cancer diagnosis! 🙄All those who say , when you have cancer, their friends have disappeared. This is not the same!

It’s purely bad timing and I owe him nothing. People talk of a 16 month commitment but he clearly showed he wasn’t committed! You can’t all choose what facts (that clearly don’t apply!) and which you make up!

We are not young .. so don’t assume anything!

You may not be young but you certainly sound immature. You left him (again, for the fifth time?) and then blocked him which is the action of a jilted teenager and now you want your behaviour justified. I’m really at a loss of what you expect us all to say.

I'm a nosey cow so I read some of your previous threads. I think you have an issue with empathy

I did too and thought the same 😬

I’ve not seen any posts suggesting that you’ve left your boyfriend because of his cancer diagnosis, or that you should not have broken up with him. But most people seem to think that, by cutting him off completely when he’s going through cancer treatment and what is now a more uncertain future for him, you are incredibly cold, heartless and uncaring. You really don’t seem able to understand that it’s just about being a normal human being - no-one has said you have to get back with him again, spend hours sitting at appointments with him, but after a 16 month relationship where he hasn’t actually done anything wrong apart from not telling you that he loves you, I’m afraid you DO owe him the basic courtesy to just send an odd ‘thinking of you’ or ‘hope your chemo goes ok today’ type of message. But I think the other thing that most people are agreed on is that the poor man is well rid of you.