Cancer and a break up.

[StLucia4]

I’ve been with my boyfriend 16 months. We have just broke up, initiated by me but he is two weeks into a cancer journey. Am I such a horrible person to never return? I have just gone no contact as I’m tired of the disappointment and hurting during our relationship.

You show love words mean nothing. You didn't love him or you would support him.through cancer. He now knows you didn't love him and he most likely would have loved you especially after helping him through cancer. People leave when things get hard nothing wrong with that it just shows you didn't truly love him.

I've re read your posts. Yep stay away it's not going anywhere x

@Naunet I don’t think anyone is saying that the OP should stay with him if she is unhappy with the relationship, but it’s the way she’s done it that is so nasty. It’s perfectly possible to end a relationship but still offer support and friendship when someone you have been that close to for 16 months is going through one of the worst things that can happen to them.

So she just owes him support at her own expense when he's kept her a secret all this time and stalks her social media out of jealousy? Why?

Exactly. I can't believe the unfair replies she has had.

He doesn't love her, he keeps her a secret bit she's meant to stand by him and support him through his illness. Ffs.

You have a history of breaking up and getting back together, so maybe this is another of those episodes. Or maybe you mean it this time? Try to decide which it is, because he needs to know whether you will be in his life or not in the next months. If you do mean it, I agree that no contact is best or you will continue to go round this loop which may be worse for him rather than better.

Sounds like the cancer diagnosis gave you the impetus to finally end it. A polite ending rather than a ghosting cut off would have been good for you both but perhaps you knew from experience that you needed to cut the cord violently rather than be sucked back.

flip the genders on this and a man who dumps a women because she wont say "i love you" and she hasn't yet introduced him to her family (presumably taking it slow after death of spouse) would be called all sorts on here.

add in "i was diagnosed with cancer 2 weeks ago and he has gone non contact" the man would be called a heartless scumbag.

Because it’s just part of being a normal, compassionate human being. I’m sure we’ve all broken up with boyfriends or fallen out with friends for all sorts of reasons, but when they receive a life changing and possibly life threatening diagnosis, or when they suffer a significant bereavement etc, surely even the most uncaring person would offer a little support rather than cut them out of their lives completely like this. When something terrible happens to someone who was dear to you, no normal person would ignore them completely. It’s all very well for the OP to say that the cancer has been caught early, so it’s nothing to worry about - we all know that it’s not that simple, and once you've had cancer, no matter how successful your treatment has been, there is always the constant fear that it will come back.

I'm not suggesting that the OP should not end the relationship, but is it really too much to just be there on the end of the phone from time to time to listen to some of the poor man’s fears? This wasn’t a two week relationship where the OP was treated appallingly - she was with him for 16 months.

If id been dumped i wouldn't want my bloody ex supporting me in cancer treatment. Why would I? It would make me feel.worse.

Why on earth do you think she should support him?

He has been through a hell of a lot, becoming a widower 2 and a half years ago and now a cancer diagnosis for himself too.
I personally think you’ve been quite harsh and couldn’t do it myself just because he hasn’t yet told you he loves you.
It sounds like you weren’t a good match and it’s probably for the best that he concentrates on his health and you concentrate on yourself.

there's no set time limit for the ILY, hes been through grief and trauma of losing his last partner so is probably more guarded than most, you also mention your relationship has been on/off during that time so that's not going to help towards the ILY part for someone whos been (assuming) happily married and in love before.
of course widows and widowers will have alot of baggage with family and MIL/FIL of their late partner in the picture too, you cant expect a whirlwind romance and for things to happen quickly, but equally keeping you a secret doesnt sound great but he said he wasn't ready? again there isnt a time limit on grief, maybe he wants to be sure he does love you before that introduction?

but you flick from "My ex boyfriend is the most kindest, gentle person I’ve ever met" to "he’s shown signs of jealousy and acted upon it. Stalked my fb despite the many conversations we’ve had about it" which are kinda polar opposites.

either way to cut ties completely because it makes you feel better is quite selfish, I'm sure he has friends and family around him, but still, offer an olive branch to him as a friend, the hurt he will be feeling for you abandoning him right now is unforgivable tbh, yes the relationship may be over... be there for him, you did love him right?

What makes you think he'd even want that? He kept her a secret, it doesnt sound like she was someone he saw as a big part of his life. OP needs space to get over the relationship and thats OK.

I suppose it depends on what you mean by ‘support’. In this case, I would think just an occasional phone call to ask after his welfare or even an odd text message would be adequate. It’s just so totally heartless to not only dump him but to go ‘no contact’. I know I couldn’t sleep at night if I treated someone like that. I had the most awful problems with my mother in law after my dad died - she was incredibly cruel about his death and the funeral arrangements, and I wasn’t in touch with her for a couple of years, but when my husband was told she’d been admitted to hospital for emergency surgery, i had to set aside what had happened and I visited her the same day. I don’t think you can cut someone who has been close to you out of your life so completely when they are facing real adversity like serious illness or bereavement. However, I do accept that the man may not want support from the OP - she’s clearly shown her true colours so I think he’s well rid of her.

On the one hand, "He's the the most kindest, gentle person I’ve ever met", and now he has cancer. On the other hand, he looked at my Facebook profile.
So 🖕to him.
Is that right?

@StLucia4

he is a kind and selfless man but the problems we’ve had are related to being insecure and jealous on his part.
I feel 16months is ample time to know if you love someone. Some people don’t care about being told but for me , that should come naturally. Keeping me a secret since Nov 23 seems excessive. He could have gently eased my name into a conversation. A friend. I feel I’ve been100pc patient. I gave him space and told him I was happy for him to feel comfortable talking about his late wife!
I Feel keeping in touch is just going to prolong making a clean break and he has friends .. and yes.. if I was dumped I don’t think I’d want my ex partner calling .. it sounds pitiful and fake.

To make things clear: I’ve not dumped him bc he has cancer, I’ve dumped him bc I feel I’ve been used as a distraction to enable him to ease his grief.

And now he has cancer .. which brings me back to my initial question .. am I expected to stay and support hiim?!

I accept that most posters feel that I’m mean bc I’ve chosen not!

I’ve had cancer and I never speak to anyone who said I was lucky in any way or decided I had friends (but not them) and family who would look after me. I wanted my bloody ex to support me, especially as we shared a young child, but it didn’t happen. It is the absolute worst thing to be ghosted with a new diagnosis of cancer.

It’s just a decent thing to do.

No that's a misreading of what people have said. You haven't - for the most part - been criticised for ending the relationship. .
The criticism you've received is largely about going NC, 2 weeks after diagnosis, and not attempting to give him at least some support. Without mitigating factors such as him having been abusive.

Someone said .. she’s been in a ‘committed’ relationship for 16 months but I haven’t really, have I?!

By keeping me a secret! That’s not showing commitment!

he literally lost his wife 2.5 years ago...

you already said you were on/off with your relationship, why would a widower introduce his on/off girlfriend to his late wife's family he's close with?

highly unreasonable.

I wish him well and a speedy recovery.

@ShroudedOrchardThat’s exactly it. I don’t think there are any posts from people saying that the OP shouldn’t have ended the relationship when she did, just that she’s completely heartless and lacking in any normal empathy to have cut him off completely knowing about his diagnosis.

As I said in my first post, I expect most people who have had cancer have experienced the hurt of someone they thought was close to them not being there when they needed just a hug or a text to say’thinkjng of you’ or ‘how did your surgery go’.

I was a one to one volunteer for Breast Cancer Care for several years after my treatment And apart from being matched with people who had my particular type of surgery, I was also matched with women who were not receiving the support they needed from family/friends during diagnosis and treatment. My experience was that in many cases (but definitely not all, as is clear from ThisRose) this was because people didn’t know how to react or cope. I’ve come across very few people whose friends/partners/ family ghosted them because they didn’t care, like the OP has done. It’s not normal to just erase a 16 month relationship from your life without a thought for the feelings of someone you cared for in trying to cope with a cancer diagnosis, and the hurt that is caused by someone treating you like that is immense, and something you don’t forget.

I don't think saying ILY is that important in the general scheme of things. If the behaviour of a partner implies you are loved and respected that's more significant than words which some people find easy to flip out of their mouths without engaging in the thoughtful actions which would back those words up.

Taking it slowly is understandable in the circumstances too.

But I don't think you should stay around if you feel fed up with his behaviour. That would make things more stressful all round.

also to add, no issue with the relationship being over just

a) probably unreasonable to expect him to commit based on what you've told us
b) end the relationship by all means, but what you've done is completely heartless by going NC

And that’s exactly how I was feeling. Fed up with the constant breaking up. Hurt bc I felt used. All of these feelings were prior to his diagnosis.
Life goes on and yes, he’s better off without me!
If I stick around to offer him support, I think I’ll feel sad that I left him which is not conducive of a clean break nor of my intention to live without him . I don’t want to muddy the waters between feeling sorry for him and wondering if I still love him 6months down the line!