Have I done something drunk?

[Onslow1985]

I know this is a real wake up call to stop drinking but I just needed to mention on here for accountability. I went out for a friends 40th last night ended up at my local pub afterwards. Last ones in the pub with my friend who booked a taxi and somehow lost me in the pub, said I wasn’t in toilets and I can’t remember getting home. I don’t know if I’ve decided I was too drunk and left to walk home as I got home safe with all of my belongings and woke up fully clothed in bed. My husband was away for the night and he isn’t happy with me and rightly so. However I’m in panic mode that I don’t remember getting home at all and coming up with all sorts of scenarios, that I’ve ended up getting a lift off a random and inviting them in my house although there is nothing to suggest doing so. We weren’t talking to anybody in the pub and last ones in there. I’m really panicking! Don’t want to ask neighbour in case she’s seen something of these hopefully made up scenarios!

You are ok. Nothing happened.

Maybe someone did give you a lift, but that’s not a bad thing.

I think it would be evident if anything untoward had happened.

I’m sure the hangover must be heightening your feelings of anxiety.

Sorry for your losses 💐. Have you had any counselling or support with that?

Self-medicating with alcohol just makes you feel worse in the long run. There are some decent zero alcohol alternatives you can drink instead in pubs these days, so giving up or reducing doesn't have to be as obvious.

@Onslow1985 you've been through a lot.
You're home and safe and you'll have a good giggle with your friend about being taken home by a kind person.
You've woken up fully clothed and intact.
I'm sure your anxiety is unnecessary on this one.
Spoil yourself today and shake off the downer.
Try to keep within sensible limits next time though.

Home safe and unhurt, fully clothed with all belongings = a win. So please try and relax. Like you say, a timely reminder not to overdo it again.

No personal experience of ‘alcohol blackout’ but I think many of us can identify with the experience of driving home from work on auto-pilot and being shocked to realise no memory of the journey.

It does sound like paranoia mixed with guilt. Be kind to yourself, and heed the warning in case next time you aren’t so lucky

Thank you so much for your messages of reassurance. I haven’t slept a wink worrying & thinking something might come out over who I came with or how I got home. Wish I had the answer x

You’ve got to live in now, you’re safe and you’ve got nothing to worry about.

Have a normal day today and an early night. Not sleeping will make things worse.

.*leave it not live in

No, it's actually a thing. You function well but can't remember as your short term memory does not pass info the long term memory, This is what people often call a blackout

How would you normally get home on your own?

It's just 'the fear'.

You walked home alone.

Alcohol doesn't suit you. You need to stop. You know that now.

You could check your Google location history. It should tell you if the walk home was a drive or walk. I wouldn't worry too much though. - you got home safe and all is well. The anxiety will wear off soon.

This has happened to me before it’s very very scary when it happens but you will feel better in a couple of days when you have calmed down. I recommend reading the sober girl society by Millie gooch. It’s a good read and an eye opener and discusses blackouts etc.

It is extremely common to be able to do a whole host of things while drunk and have no memory of anything. People work while drunk and don't remember..
Alcohol affects people in so many different ways, as I'm sure you are aware. "One sniff of the barmaid's appron" can get some squiffy, others can consume industrial quantities and still appear sober.
I had plenty of the 'how did I get home' reflections in my younger days. More often than not, I realised I'd had too many and needed to get home NOW, so made a french exit and walked/bussed/tubed/got a lift home.
Not condoning such behaviour, just pointing out that what you believe impossible, is perfectly possible

Trying to check my steps history on my phone and I don’t think it’s enough for a walk home! Is there any other way I can check my location, how did I do this on Google? X

I've been through this before OP. I don't drink often (maybe 3 times a year) but when I do I tend to go overboard and don't remember much. Around 6 years ago I went out day drinking with some friends and don't remember anything from around 6pm onwards. I didn't get home until 11pm and have no recollection of the 5 hours in between. My husband was furious (understandably) that I had put myself in such danger. We didn't have any children at the time thankfully, but we were newly married, and the next day I was a wreck worrying about what may have happened while drunk. We had been in various different pubs, and I convinced myself I must have done something stupid like flirting with other guys, or worse. I would never have done anything like that sober, and have never given myself any reason to believe I would have done that drunk, but the hangover anxiety convinced me that I had. Alcohol is a depressant and makes you think the worst. Even reassurance from my friends didn't help.

You will have just gone home and passed out on your bed op. This is just the anxiety making you feel like this. It will pass eventually.

I have never gotten drunk like that again. I hated the way it made me feel and how it affected me mentally.

Alcohol will have you thinking the absolute worst and battling intrusive thoughts about all the things you may have done, however unlikely they are. Right now you’ll be scrambling to find a way to confirm how you got home but within a few days your anxiety will ease. I highly recommend reading the unexpected joy of being sober moving forwards though, as I imagine now is a good time to question if alcohol actually benefits your life in any way.

And this is part of the reason I don’t drink at all any more. It’s hard but so worth it.

Do you have Google Maps on your phone? If so click on "timeline" and it should show the route that you took to get home, and also whether you were walking or travelling in a vehicle.

It’s a horrible feeling - the fear mixed with being blackout drunk. I’ve convinced myself a few times I must have done something absolutely awful 😭 but no, it’s your mind catastrophising because it doesn’t remember. The anxiety will fade. Be kind to yourself xx

I didn’t have my Apple Watch on or location activated on Google. There is about 20 mins which I can’t account for, I’m honestly just hoping I was asleep in the pub toilets or something but my friend said she checked. Worried I wandered into the gents or something. My step count does not seem to be large enough for a walk home but I’m not sure how accurate it is on your phone rather than your watch.

I think if there's only 20 mins you can't account for, nothing too awful could have happened. You arrived home safe which is the main thing, either under your own steam or a lift from someone kind who did nothing to hurt you. Try and put it down to experience and cut back a bit on the drink next time so you don't have the worry. Even sober I do things on automatic pilot and can't remember actually doing it!!

This
You may have been spiked or very drunk.
Either way you are right to be more aware of how much you’re drinking particularly outside of your home.

My mum (in her 70's) told me that when she was very young she drove her car home and parked it perfectly in a tight spot and didn't remember doing any of it she was so drunk. I think we are actually sometimes quite good at doing stuff we already know how to do when we are drunk (on automatic pilot). My friend at uni got home and made themselves a bacon sandwich after a night out and woke up in the morning to find a half eaten bacon sandwich with raw bacon in it. There was evidence she put it under the grill but she obviously either didn't turn it on or didn't leave it on for long enough. She didn't remember any of it. 😬

It's really unlikely anything untoward happened.

Blacking out just means your brain fails to make memories, it doesn't mean you'd be behaving particularly oddly as to go into the men's or anything like that.

Twenty minutes is such a short time, it's probably accounted for by walking more slowly than usual or having a brief sit down.

You were fully clothed, there's no signs you did anything or had anything done to you, I really think you can stop torturing yourself.