Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 15

[BustyLaRoux]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5245372-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-14?page=39&reply=143014416

I was going to ask why not just throw all the stuff in the fridge in the bin and just tell him to stuff it up his butt if he has a problem. Why enable it? I suppose it’s just a plaster over a wound but the fridge would be empty!

Isn’t it just @Ohdostopwafflinggeremy! 💕🩷
Love to hear from you @BustyLaRoux ✨

Thanks for the “let them” recommendation.

it’s a useful thing to bear in mind.

im mulling over not leaving him but making it manageable. We have been together 25 years and we have a house big enough for adult kids to boomerang back to with their kids, if they happen. Im reluctant to lose that - at the risk of sounding uber practical, there is a cost of living crisis coming and my eldest it about to leave uni and likely to be in short term contracts for a while, middle is in low paid work, youngest about to start uni. I don’t want to sell their family home because I ran out of patience with their dad who is a disappointing husband but a reliable father.

if I’m honest, life is cushy, as long as I can ignore the hurt and neglect.

im kidding myself on, aren’t I?

@Seriestwo Don't be too hard on yourself. I'm also a long term inmate. 27 years. I'm also in a 'cushy' situation that I don't want to throw a grenade into.
Unfortunately dh is shit at the husband and father role so I'm only here for the pure practicalities.
Also don't know how long I can keep my head in the sand though, slowly suffocating.

I just read "They live like strangers under the same roof" by Marilyn Rojas.
Don't think I've read anything more poignant in a really long time.😥

"They live like strangers under one roof.
They share walls, not lives, and memories, not feelings.
They look at each other...
As if reading a book whose pages they've memorized by heart.
Without passion, without amazement.
Their conversation has turned into cold necessities.
And their questions have become mere daily procedures, unadulterated by waiting for an answer.
Their hearts no longer beat, but merely perform the function of survival.
A lifeless pulse, and a life without meaning!!!
They pretend to be content and happy in front of others.
While the truth is told in silent eyes and breaths heavy with sadness.
Leaving is no longer an option, for the shackles are not on paper.
They are the responsibility of children who didn't choose this fate.
Each of them dreams of freedom.
But they fear that if they remove the shackles, their loved ones will bleed.
In the end, nothing unites them except a name on their ID cards. And a roof that embraces souls suspended between departure and survival. And so the scene continues... A play without an audience, and its heroes slowly die behind the curtain!! "

My H is sneakily quite controlling and I think I've been conditioned into not challenging his hoarding habits and messy ways. Our house is a tip of clutter and bits just left whenever H puts them down. I used to tidy stuff away but he'd get so frustrated and irritable with not finding stuff, making me feel so bad I simply just started to put up with it.

Because he would have been utterly furious. Shouting about how I was controlling and oppressing him. Throwing stuff. Rage unseen probably. To try and have your own way is, to DP, oppressing him. And there’s nothing worse than him feeling someone is trying to oppress him. Even if you just suggest something, he would often say I was trying to oppress him. I once suggested goats cheese on a shared pizza. He was horrified! I said “oh ok, I quite like it”. He reiterated his horror. I said “ok, let’s get separate pizzas then”. That was the end of the exchange. Not even a disagreement. Just a normal exchange where two people have different taste and opt for a compromise. But for evermore he goes around telling everyone that I tried to force him to eat goats cheese and how I often try to oppress him like this and insist on getting my own way. It’s nonsense of course. But he cannot cope with his autonomy being threatened in any way, even mildly. To physically remove his jars (ingredients are one of his hobbies) would be more than he could bear! It would be WW3. Also a bugbear that his ex used to throw his things away (I really don’t blame her!!!) and it would have sparked all sorts of trauma for him. I’d never have heard the end of it.

And he would have just bought more jars and packets of meat to demonstrate the futility of my oppression!!!

Not necessarily. There’s a balance. I thought I was doing the right thing to keep stability for my kids. Neglect is hurtful. But it may be tolerable for you. I was dealing with episodes of rage and abuse. And although I strengthened my armour as best I could, in the end this became intolerable. And, as it turned out, the kids didn’t need the stability staying in the house offered. I can create a different and better form of stability, albeit after a brief period of more unsettlement.

It comes down to whether the shit you’re dealing with now, is worse than the different shit you’ll be dealing with if you leave. Arguably if things are not awful and the life you have is broadly OK, then it may not be. Only you can answer that.

I would also add that the things you initially think would be too hard to leave, may not be as bad as you think. The kids don’t NEED a big house to come back to even if they’d like one. You won’t damage them if you do decide to leave. And you also deserve to be at peace. You will probably feel as though the scales tip slightly in one direction and then slightly towards the other on a different day. Which makes impossible to make a decision!! I did spend 20 years married to my exDH when I should have left because things weren’t bad enough to leave. I should have left long before but I didn’t have enough impetus at any given moment. And I wasted a good chunk of my life like that. I loved my house and I didn’t want to leave it. I still miss that house. I still can’t drive past it. I sometimes wonder if I made the right decision.

It’s a really hard decision to make. COL is real. One lot of shit isn’t necessarily better than the current lot. I’m not trying to dissuade you. More reflecting that it’s much easier to leave when things are dire.

That’s so sad @Ohdostopwafflinggeremy . I think had I stayed married to my exDH this might have been where we ended up. Little left to talk about. Putting on a front for friends and family. Living almost totally separate lives. I wanted more. I wanted to have feelings again. I definitely achieved that by leaving. But I’m not sure if the emotional cost was worth it. Some days I feel it was. Other days I don’t. Nothing is simple.

Yes, it’s easy to romanticise my dreams of a pink kettle. But DH is practical and reliable and sensible and genuinely doesn’t mind what I spend my time doing.

if the things I do which annoy him were managed he might be less withdrawn - I’m messy and disorganised and chaotic. He’s autistic, I’m ADHD, it’s not an uncommon combination.

so if I earn more I can pay a cleaner and a decorator and get the house organised. Which needs doing if we are selling up anyway. The admin of divorce makes me feel ill.

that is not a reason to live an unhappy life, of course. But it might be worth taking care of myself and the environment better and seeing if that helps. If it doesn’t; well, that means another straw on the buckling camel’s back

Yep agree. You have nothing to lose by trying to improve what you have.

Oh @Ohdostopwafflinggeremy That is the most heartbreaking read. If that doesn’t spur us on, I don’t know what will. Thank you for sharing. I’m off to look at pink kettles 💕

I have just returned to his house (my old home) to deliver more empty boxes for him and to empty out a unit which I wasn’t able to do (I ran out of boxes!). I had always said I would be back to do it shortly.

Well the house is in chaos. None of the empty boxes I brought him earlier in the week have been packed. There’s just piles of rubbish by the door. Every room has piles and crates and papers….. nothing is packed.

Apparently he moves in two weeks. Though to my knowledge he has still not given official
notice to the landlord or booked movers. He’s “looking at options” apparently.

I asked how it was going and he said he doesn’t think he will actually be moving with that much stuff as mainly he just seems to be chucking stuff away. I replied “yes, it’s good to do! Bet you wish you’d not hung on to all this shit for so long!” I say this because having moved a few times, including in the last two weeks, it’s amazing how much crap we hold onto, then get rid of loads when we move and wonder why we’ve not done this before!! His response: “here we go, true to form! Nothing changes. Always with the criticism!!”
Me: (in my head: yawn here we go indeed!)

Then of course he starts with how everything and all his chaos is my fault as I’ve “cherry picked” my own stuff and left him dealing with”with all the shit that’s left!” I said “no I’ve taken my stuff and left what isn’t mine!” He said “so basically anything you don’t want you’ve left for me to sort! There’s a theme running through the house here!!!” I asked what specific things I’ve left for him to deal with and sort. All he could find was some take away leaflets which he put in the bin, some small change (which I left on purpose as it probably is his) and a packet of tissues (almost certainly his!). So yeah, hardly the mountains of shit I’ve apparently left for him. But this will be his narrative now….

Now I knew he would do this. I even texted my SIL two weeks ago and said once the realisation of how much he has to actually do starts to dawn on him (because he has hoarded for years, left it, delayed starting packing it, made excuses for not getting on with it, and prioritised doing nice things or going to the pub instead) he will want to find someone to blame. He will absolutely try and blame anyone else: I’ve left a load of shit, he didn’t get the boxes in time, he was waiting on the landlord, I asked for too much help and took up too much of his time…. So I knew this was coming! I cannot tell you how good it was to say “ok” and drive away.

Mismanagement and blame. Just like the fridge!

Oh bloody hell. I don’t actually know how you coped for so long. I’d have binned the fridge and then if he kicked off I’d have binned him with it. It’s his mess I’d absolutely leave him to it and not get drawn into his in capability and his emotions. It’s not fair to project all of that on you, very childish. I don’t think you can live with this person again, very dysfunctional in his thinking, soul destroying.

Why do autistic people (some) not like spending time with their family or their children? I’m struggling to understand how someone could not love a cute toddler? Why would they not want to be in their life? Everyone else around me’s grandparents love their grandkids and take them on days out, show them off and are proud of them and want to see them grow.

Maybe it’s the sensory side - loud, sudden noise? Stickiness, wiping, toileting

unpredictability

inability to talk about abstract things eg ideas with child

But you could call and msg etc if that was the case couldn’t you? But to have no interest in their life I don’t understand.

Checking in again. I got locked out of MN again 😵‍💫😵‍💫

(Pretty sure you’ll have all worked out who I am)

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy
that quote!…..
So real and much too close to home.

Some people are more interested in ideas than people, I’m told.

Busty, I’m just so very thrilled for you ❤️❤️❤️ May your new home bring you every happiness.

Not much to report here, so much adulting and life admin. Hugs to everyone.

@Peppasparty i guess toddlers serve no function and are therefore irrelevant. They don’t have any practical purpose and cannot offer any service. You or I might get a warm fuzzy feeling when looking at them or thinking about them. They’re beyond cute! We love them. But those are feelings and feelings aren’t practical. My autistic people aren’t like this. They like spending time with people. They need entertainment, someone to talk at, someone to service their needs I guess. But a toddler can’t do that. My dad likes spending time with my DC and always has done but he doesn’t enjoy them in that warm fuzzy way. He likes to do practical tasks with them. Or better still photograph them and post on FB to demonstrate what a good grandpa he is. He doesn’t know how to interact with them. He never asks how they are. Worse when they were little. He had no idea how to be around children. I wonder if there’s also an out of sight, out of mind thing going on with your mum. They’re not in front of her so she doesn’t think of them. Sounds like she simply doesn’t think about other people at all. Is just entirely focused on her projects. Practical projects. Better than people. People have no function.

@BustyLaRoux It does feel like she sees no purpose in people. She doesn’t interact in a warm way with anyone. Her and my dad never celebrated birthdays, never sent cards, flowers etc. I thought that was on him and she would be sad but nope she couldn’t care less about these things. My brothers kids are older but she doesn’t interact with those either unless my brother takes them over to her. He takes them over all the time and he seems to really want a relationship to form. I mean there is one but it’s on her terms. Perhaps I’m being selfish but I don’t go over much anymore. I’ve got very much to the point if you don’t visit me then I don’t visit you. I’m trying to surround my children with people that actually want to know them and celebrate them.