An update for those needing inspiration to do “the impossible…..”
Yesterday I did my first weekly shop in years! I now have a clean and tidy fridge for the items to go in! Previously about 1.5 of the (only 4) shelves were taken up with jars. Jars of 3 or 4 different flavours of jam. Jars of random chilli stuff (home made). Jars of soup pastes which haven’t been opened in five years. Just jars and jars and jars. Occasionally I used to sneak the odd really out of date one into the bin (unnoticed, as he never used the ones at the back!). But it would surely be replaced with other random condiment in a jar before long! The salad drawer was disgusting! Couldn’t fit any actual salad in it as it was full of packets of random meats and cheeses which had definitely seen better days. It did not smell (or look) good! Also the remaining shelves would have multiple Tupperware boxes of week old veg and half portions of pasta. Just taking up space. Not being eaten. Usually thrown away after a couple of weeks. So I had about half a shelf available to me for food shopping. I could only buy enough food for two days at a time. Time consuming. Expensive. Hated putting stuff in the fridge. Hated trying to find it again. Hated opening the fridge.
Now I have a fridge full of healthy meals for the week. It’s organised and clean. I keep opening the door and looking at it! It gives me enormous pleasure!!!!
The washing up is done.
The recycling is taken out when it gets near full.
The hob is cleaned after use.
There is no stinky fatty meat being cooked and permeating the house with its frying smell.
There are no more little bowls and pots of this and that all over the kitchen surfaces.
Food is healthy and fuss free and me and the kids eat at a reasonable time. And I clean up straight after eating.
I realised I was just eating shit, or not eating at all. I HATED cooking in that kitchen. It was messy and there was no space for me. Often with dirty stuff being left “soaking” or piling up round the sink. It had completely changed my cooking and eating habits. If DP went away, I would give it a really good clean and tidy. Throw some stuff away. And cook for me and the kids. But as soon as he came back (brandishing armfuls of non descript meat packages for the fridge!) my heart would sink and the mess and smells would start up within a day or two and I’d have to resign myself once more.
The worst part (maybe not the worst! But fairly intolerable) was the fact he would try to insist he was very clean and organised in the kitchen and always had been! That with his previous partner everything in the fridge was labelled and eaten within a time frame so nothing ever went off or got thrown away. Everyone ate well. It was all organised and healthy. The only reason things have gone awry is because he is with someone else (me!). (His previous partner never cooked so the kitchen was his basically). The implication being that it is me who causes him to suddenly have an overcrowded dirty fridge with food going off all the time.
This is a repeated pattern of mismanagement and blame. It’s the same with his court cases. His moving out. Anything really. I don’t know how he manages to hold down his job as surely he must be the same at work?!
Meanwhile I am just enjoying the space and the peace. No one mismanaging everything around me and blaming me/everyone. No one being grumpy and stressed things aren’t going their way. No one finding negative things to say about everything. No one endlessly saying how unwell they feel (in the end I said “would it be easier to tell me when you DON’T feel ill? I think I can count on my fingers the days in a year when you’re NOT feeling unwell!”). We are not tiptoeing about staying out of his way if he’s in a funny mood. I am not on alert, always half listening out for the sound of disagreements between him and my kids (usually him accusing them of something which they may or may not have done). The house is tidy. No one makes passive aggressive shitty comments about what we’re doing. No one is asking to borrow my car (relief!!!) and causing arguments by not being back on time when I need it and then being furious when I’m not very happy. I can use my car whenever I like!
I do actually miss his company a bit. He isn’t all bad. He gives nice cuddles. We make each other laugh. He can be thoughtful. He is practical when it comes to putting shelves up. I do not miss ALL THE REST! I feel so free and happy. I am enjoying being in my space. My pink kettle and toaster are in use daily and I think of you guys every time I use them. Thank you everyone for helping me get through some difficult years and make my exit. Sending strength and resilience to anyone of you who is starting to make your exit plans. It will be OK. More than OK.