The stupid thing was that I wasn’t looking to blame anyone! He does walk round the house talking to me. Probably 15 times a day I calmly say “I can’t hear you if you’re in a different room, darling”. He can’t help wandering off while he’s speaking, or asking me something from the bathroom when I’m in the bedroom. He doesn’t do it on purpose. No more than I can’t hear him on purpose. It’s one of those things. No point being annoyed about it. I wish I wasn’t deaf. But I am.
When he said “YOU must not have been listening!” it was said in a very accusatory manner and is very different from “maybe you didn’t hear me”. And when I said “maybe you were wandering around or in a different room when you said it, as you tend to do..?” I didn’t mean it to sound like blame at all. Just a possible explanation as to why I’d missed it. It’s typical then that he would see this as a blame statement (I can see why he did, but honestly it wasn’t my intention). I was offering it up as an explanation as to why I’d not heard him maybe. I’m deaf and if he’s facing away from me or walking about I won’t hear what he’s saying. I certainly don’t blame him for doing that. But he literally stopped dead in his tracks in the middle of the street and started on and on about how I was insisting it was his fault and how I was being defensive.
He did message me later on and apologise profusely. Said he forgets I’m deaf and got frustrated that I had missed what he said. That it’s not OK to get frustrated with someone for being deaf. Etc etc. That he knows he’d ruined a lovely evening by getting frustrated at me.
I felt he’d missed the point though. He always uses the word “frustrated” when I want to say no, not it’s not frustration. You were angry! It might start with frustration but your outward behaviour is angry.
Also, accusing me of not listening isn’t the same as saying perhaps you didn’t hear me. Telling someone off for not listening is what we do to children! I’m not a naughty child and I don’t appreciate being spoken to like one.
And this obsession with fault and blame! It needs to stop. Things just go awry sometimes. It’s not necessary to assert whose fault it is. And whilst he may feel the need to do that, he should accept that other people aren’t working that way in their head.
I remember once him giving me a four minute tirade all about how I was blaming him for misordering a take away item. I really wasn’t though. It was easily done. He just added in a word to the dish we wanted and they brought the wrong thing. It obviously confused them. (No biggie! No one’s fault. It happens). And we were going to order from them again and I said oh make sure you say x and not whatever you said last time as they seemed to get confused remember? He didn’t reply so I said it again as I wasn’t sure he’d heard me. He exploded and went off on one about how I was beating him with a stick and he knows he fucked up the ordering before and I’m making sure he knows it!!! On and on he went about how I have to make sure he knows he fucked up.
But it wasn’t my intention at all! I just wanted to make sure we didn’t get the wrong dish again. I had no interest in blaming anyone. But because he is so set on blaming other people all the time and looking for fault, he assumes I must be as well. He has genuinely told me many times that I’m obsessed with blame. It’s so far from the truth!! He only thinks that because he is. But of course he doesn’t know any other way to be and can’t see a different view of the world.
I am glad he apologised. But I think he misses the nuance of the situation. He’s apologising for forgetting I’m deaf and getting frustrated about it. I wish he would apologise for being angry and obsessed with fault. Oh well, I suppose an apology is better than nothing. Better than many of us get! We are friends. He is sorry. I had a nice evening in my pink-kettle-cottage (as I have renamed it!) and watched a film instead. If we lived together and had been stuck in the house the evening would have been awful. Me upset but trying to smooth things over for the sake of cordiality. Him giving me the silent treatment (so say to avoid an argument). Me saying he’d really upset me. Him then telling me HE was the upset one. Me incredulous that he could be such an asshole and still somehow manage to be upset/the victim….. I’m afraid I’ve been here too many times before. Now I just leave him to it and enjoy the solitude. And he seems to work out pretty quickly that he’s behaved badly. Though he isn’t always 100% clear on exactly what he’s done. It’s a definite improvement!