Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 15

[BustyLaRoux]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5245372-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-14?page=39&reply=143014416

Acceptance is difficult when kids are involved. Acceptance could have pretty major consequences on kids as we are the models of future relationships. Whilst we are adults and can compute what acceptance means and work out the pros and cons they can’t. It must be a hard place to be because no one wants to be the cause of damage to their kids. It’s not too good to model a relationship like this to kids is it?

Honestly I think my kids are far far happier now than years ago when W and I were constantly arguing, bickering etc.

the kids well know that we both adore them even if it’s fairly obvious to them that we are not a marriage made in heaven. We do lots of stuff with them, and they are happy. Ultimately we are a family unit that somehow seems to function even though to an outsider it might sound a strange set up :)

I suppose it depends what you’re accepting @Peppasparty. Accepting cruel, aggressive or violent behaviour is of course not good for the children. I do think accepting people for who they are is actually good role modelling. There are many times in our lives when we need to accept things that we don’t want to. We cannot change all the things we would like to change.

My friend lost his physical health. He spent many years trying to fight the medical advice that he would never improve. It made him depressed. Suicidal some of the time. He didn’t want to accept what had happened. Didn’t want to hear that there was no hope. They paid for multiple different specialists. Chased new innovations. Got hopeful and let down many times. Ultimately he won’t get “better”. And once he accepted it and learnt to live with it, he realised he could have a good life. He struggles with health complications still. There’s lots of stuff he can’t do. But he can have a rich and fulfilling life.

Obviously this is different to accepting people. But the principle is the same. Learning to live with limitations, becoming adaptable, seeking fulfilment in other ways…. I think these are good lessons to teach our kids. As I say, of course it depends what we are accepting. (DP gets angry about things, and I don’t accept that).

I’m in the same boat than @Apex3 re acceptance.

re the dcs, the reality is that their parent will always be their parent. They’ll have contact and whatever relationship,they’ve managed to build together. That’s not going to change with divorce.
One thing that CAN make a difference s how often Theyre in contact with a parent that might ignore them, dismiss their reality etc…. And seeing the difference with what’s happening with the other parent.
But as seen when one parent is abusive, it doesn’t alway play in the favour of the ‘good’ parent.

@CinnamonTart i think the most important part in your case is tye fact BOTH your dcs see how wrong things are. That they’ve noticed and seen that fur a long time too. That’s tells you a lot about what’s going on tbh.

Is it your ds (that overheard you and your dh) that has some SN and you think they might struggle with a separation?

Also whilst I agree that acceptance is naking a huge difference, I want to add:

1- boundaries are also essential. Things are manageable now with dh because I’ve laid out boundaries. And I’m not going to bulge around them. So yes I accommodate his needs but I’m also refusing to put him first all the time. I’m looking after myself/my needs first. It’s not just acceptance.
2- I dint think’ it’s the best choice. And certainly not for everyone. It works for now because a divorce would make me quite ill and the stress of it would send me into severe ME again. There are advantages for me to be together too. But if I had more choice available to me (as in I wasn’t so ill), that wouldn’t be my choice.

This is an interesting programme. I think Chris and his guests do a good job in the first episode of explaining how autism feels. I’d like to watch this with DH, though I doubt he’d be willing.

Ill watch the others, I think. www.mumsnet.com/talk/telly_addicts/5343198-inside-our-minds-with-chris-packham

Probably one of the few times when I’m going to regret not having aTV 😁
How autism feels sounds like a great subject.

Gosh - lots to catch up on! Thank you so much to everyone who has replied to my current strife - I so value all your thoughts and opinions and read every one.

@Apex3 - you sound amazing and I’m so sorry it’s been like that for you.

I decided to stay when it all originally became unbearable about 14 years ago because I wanted to be able to be present for the kids as they were often the target of his confusing angry outbursts (verbal) - to step in as needed and reassure them if needed.

I decided not to tackle the way he spoke to me the other night during our chat as I wanted to focus on a different aspect of the event. Today I’m annoyed with myself for not doing so - though tbf I did message him from the hotel to say never to talk to me that way again. So maybe that was enough.

Today I realise I’ve lost all sense of ‘normal’ and ‘acceptable’ - maybe I’m making mountains out of molehills and being too precious.

I would hate to break up the family because I’m being an princess and over sensitive about everything.

Today I realise I’ve lost all sense of ‘normal’ and ‘acceptable’ - maybe I’m making mountains out of molehills and being too precious.

From what you said, if anything, you’re under reacting.

This is what I’d worry about when we talk about acceptance. This is a slow eroding of self and yeah acceptance of something is much easier when all sense of normal has been distorted and washed away. It’s not normal @CinnamonTart, from what you’ve said not by a long shot. In order to continue living all those years you’ve subconsciously created a new normal. But it’s not normal. You aren’t supposed to have to protect your children from their father. That’s a role you’ve given yourself in order for the status quo to continue. Its sounds like an awful lot of blurring of roles and boundaries has happen in order to absorb his behaviour.

Thank you @SpecialMangeTout3 and @Peppasparty - that is good to hear. I tend to be ok with people going ‘off piste’ and having their moments - because don’t we all? Who are we to expect perfection when we aren’t perfection ourselves? And I always encourage the kids to look at why people might be behaving as they do. But I do need to get better with boundaries.
I feel so much has improved with the counselling - and if I chip away very slowly, we will get to a comfortable compromised for both of us.

I need him to be able to regulate his responses to both me and the kids - he will need to work on that himself. Because it is not ok to DARVO at us because he hears us expressing a need / vulnerability as a demand or weakness.

@BustyLaRoux I’m really sorry to hear about your friend - that must have been so tough. But what an amazing example of ‘mindset is everything’. I think I’ve been relying too much on that. But I love that counselling has worked for you and got you to a place where you have managed to embrace your pink!

@Peppasparty 'Absorbing his behaviour' is exactly it. Thank you, that has really hit home.
I think that is exactly what has happened to me, I have become so used to living with the way he sees the world it's almost become normal (especially with my mother and brother showing similar traits) that I sometimes think it's me that's not coping.

I totally understand where you’re coming from Peppa. In an ideal situation of course we wouldn’t have to accept that we and our partners are not very compatible. Things would just work.

but for me at least the thought of moving out, not seeing my kids for most of the week, having more financial strain, living on my own in the vague hope of meeting someone I really like, how would that be better for anyone?

I do worry about what the future holds medium term, when the kids move out I can’t see that I will be able to stay - there would be nothing here for me. But for the moment I’m trying to make the best from what I’ve got and I try and be thankful for how blessed my life is compared to some of the other poor sods in this world

@Apex3 I totally hear you. Have you tried couples counselling? Apologies if you’ve already said.

We haven’t Cinnamon no. Probably too much water under the bridge for that, we’ve been together since 1998, early 20’s, plus unfortunately she refuses to even talk about ASD. To her I’m the one with ASD.

Would you get assessed to prove it one way or the other @Apex3 ?

Certainly interesting Cinnamon, but probably not on the basis that I don’t believe I have any autistic traits at all. Having said that I wouldn’t give two hoots if I was ASD, whereas my W for her an official diagnosis would be a disaster and the kids would think less of her. Madness, I know.

I wonder if it’s a little easier for the women to be ASD than the man (I don’t mean to be sexist). An angry man just feels more scary as they are generally bigger and stronger. But then kids generally get their emotional support from the mum and I’ve found that hard.

@CinnamonTart Can relate to the losing sense of what is normal, I actually opened up a little bit to a dear friend this Sunday and the shock on her fave when I shared some of what H is really like was a bit of a reality check. Didn't want to 'trauma dump' on her (which is why I mainly post here in a relatively safe space) but telling someone IRL felt like a step forward. Plus her DH is most definitely ND so she kind of opened the conversation in that direction anyway.

I can also understand why you've stayed as it's the same reason I'm still here, like many of us by the sounds of it 🫂

Slowly working my way out now though, one step at a time.

@Apex3 - I was wondering if you did get formally assessed, then an NT diagnosis for you might be helpful for your wife to understand? If she’s blaming everything on you being ND it might be good for her to know you’re not?

Had a bit of a health scare on Monday night. TW for graphic deatils and skip this post if you have emetophobia!

Ended up in A&E early yesterday morning as had vomited blood. Was absolutely terrified in case I had a perforated ulcer as I nearly lost a friend to this last summer. Luckily it turns out I had no interal bleeding but had raptured some vessels from vomiting, possibly gastroenteritis as also had a temperature and very high heart rate.

It's possible it is gastroenteritis, but, part of me thinks that the gut wrenching feeling I had in my stomach since the incident in the car Friday is somehow behind this. I have IBS and often react to stressful situations with my gut. Had awful indigestion on Sunday and despite Pepto Bismol it just got worse and worse on Monday until I was in absolute agony.

Feeling a bit more human today thankfully!

@BustyLaRoux @Pashazade and everyone - again, thank you so much for your really helpful replies above. Yes I agree it is how it is and the coffee machine and washing machine thing.

DH has also ‘improved’ over time with feedback. I think we’re left with two fundamental issues - I can’t be honest with my feelings with him and I have to be full of the joys of spring at all times for him to cope.

DS is still very quiet and I’m not sure how I can help him. He doesn’t want to talk, so I’m still worried about him.

This just sounds like madness.

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