Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 15

[BustyLaRoux]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5245372-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-14?page=39&reply=143014416

I’m sorry to sound so negative @SantasLargerHelper but you asked for advice and my advice would be to run a mile before things get too serious.

I’ve been with my wife for 27 years and the first, say, 5 to 10 were largely ok. I now realise this is because during that time I was working away during the week so she had her, very important, time on her own, and she was masking when I was there.

The mask dropped when she got what she wanted (kids) and I have been living an entirely single but married life for the last 15 years or so. It’s horrible.

We have nothing together, nothing in common. How I wish I could have actually shared my life with someone, and how pathetic it is that I feel jealous when I see a man and a woman laughing together and having a good time.

So no, in answer to your question, never in a million years would I get involved with anyone with Aspergers.

I think this is my mum. Very intelligent, almost to the point of learning how to cover her lack of empathy so that it’s almost undetectable. Until you step back and realise you’ve only been allowed the way you feel sometimes and everything else you’ve been almost brainwashed to ignore. It does feel very calculated even though not intended as punishment. It’s clever.

@SantasLargerHelper looking back, would I have stayed? NO.
But that’s knowing what I know about now about autism and what I know about myself. I’ve ‘matured’/learnt a lot in those 25 years…

I think staying or not will be more about both your needs actually matching up rather than being incompatible.
So you mention him not saying any compliment and maybe having alexithymia. Is that an issue for you? Being really honest rather than a ‘well he shows me he loves through his actions so that enough’ whilst craving a positive comment iyswim.

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore I’m sorry that was awful.
He was deliberate in the way he mocked you. He used your dd as an audience to humiliate you. And he was ableist on the top of it.

This is not autism. It’s just being nasty.

And yes, I know you know.
This doesn’t make it any easier.
But please remember, it’s not you, it’s him.

🫂🫂 in the hope it will give you some courage and help you recover from that ‘attack’.
Was it you who was reading that book ‘Let them’ if I remember well?
Just ‘Let Him’. Let him sulk safe in the knowledge it was more than appropriate to pull him up on his behaviour.

@SantasLargerHelper I also would have left earlier if I'd have known. It was all fine until we had children.
When we were younger with no worries, we were fine and just cruised through life alongside each other. But being polite and knowing right from wrong isn't enough if you want to have children. He can't empathise with them or join them in their experiences. Therefore is a pretty useless father in terms of emotional security and connection.
Luckily we've not suffered any major loss or health problems, but I expect he'd be pretty useless at this too. If I'm ever ill, he isnt able to support me even the tiniest bit.
I suggest if you're questioning it already then you can see where it's headed. I wish I'd had your insight so early on!

Yep. Having children certainly put a spanner in. Starting with the fact it put a break on his hobbies/special interest.
Well no, I’m lying, it didn’t. It just kept me literally holding the baby(ies) and keeping the plates spinning whilst he was away most the week and weekend.

At least they have you, I know that doesn’t help you but it helps them having a parent who can empathise and meet them where they are.

So this happened tonight ...

Background - I’ve found it excruciatingly painful having no affection or initiation of intimacy. Last night it all overwhelmed me and I silent cried in bed as he turned away yet again. He has been trying with hand holding and hugs, but it’s the spontaneous affection I’ve been really missing. But one thing at a time ...

We last had couples counselling in Feb.

Today we had a very old mutual friend and his kids over for BBQ - it was so lovely. But I was dreading bed time as I’m struggling.

We went to bed together. Kissed. He rolled away.

I asked him if he would still like to be together and he let rip with an onslaught of ‘you are so the victim, you’re so spiteful, you cry every night in your robe being the victim. Ravage me if you want sex, of course I want to be together but you’re so spiteful .... ‘

I was so appalled, I said, ‘just wow’.

Then I said ‘I asked you in a vulnerable way if you’d like to be together and you said all that' ... and he said it all again!

... I was so appalled, I got up out of bed, booked a night in a hotel, messaged him saying I’d be home some time tomorrow and don’t ever speak to me like that again in response to me asking if you would still like to be together, and left.

And here I am.

WTAF

He has a haircut booked for 12:45pm - I have no intention of being back to look after DS - he will need to take him with or cancel it.

Oh @CinnamonTart that sounds excruciatingly painful, you absolutely did the right thing to book yourself unto a hotel 🫂🫂

Thank you, I spoke to my DM last night and aired my feelings that this really was the final straw. Just trying to gather my thoughts for the next step now.

@ThunkedThoughts so glad your DS is getting some support and that you are able to make some progress in researching the next step towards the future.

It does feel like I'm back to where I was last summer but I am stronger now and and am also going to look into what I'm entitled to and make some plans.

Exciting to hear we have a connection to my home country! When I was there 4 weeks ago to see my dad it was absolutely stunningly beautiful, as it often is in late Spring. The wood anemones were out in full bloom ( our equivalent to bluebells I think) . Hoping to go back again soon!

Yes, to the thinking being disordered, this is why I can't get through to H. The only person who can change things here is me.

@@CinnamonTart hope you’re doing ok this morning, that sounds awful. Chin up do what’s right for you.

How are you this morning @CinnamonTart ?

Not sure the there’s any coming back from that @CinnamonTart . How cruel. You’re clearly suffering. You’re vulnerable and sad. Even if he doesn’t feel like being intimate, he could still be kind! They do this though I find. Your pain is seen as criticism and they react by being angry and defensive and saying you’re making everything about you!! I’m so sorry. I hope you’re OK. And I hope you can do what needs to be done. Xx

Oh thats so difficult. I don’t have a very high sex drive myself, I find it all a little suffocating. I had a partner who had a higher sex drive and he took it as rejection and he got angry at me. This thing is both of you could be suffering. Perhaps he can’t tell you for shame (I know I feel shame). He begged me and the more he begged the harder it became because I hated that I was doing this. The only option was to split up. It’s really hard. He can’t help the way he is, he can’t change the way he is wired to enjoy and want to do something that literally makes him want to clam up and run (if this is how he feels). But then you can’t not want something you want also. He shouldn’t have got angry but I’m afraid these situations, especially around sex are highly charged. I think it’s hard to see in these situations the suffering on both sides. He can’t do the thing you need, he’s not doing it on purpose. I wonder if there was something you just couldn’t do and you see your partner crying and suffering and wanting and getting you to go to therapy but that doesn’t change the deep inside feeling of just not wanting to do it. After a while I wonder if you’d explode. After a while anything that you poke and prod hard enough to work will probably break.

I think I have ADHD myself. I can imagine how it must feel to be told repeatedly “why can’t you do this thing that I need” over and over through your whole life. How do you internalise this. It’s like asking a coffee machine to wash your clothes. Some day we have to accept that it makes coffee.

Out of interest is he averse to touch? My W is. She hates it.

if he is then likely your sex life wont get much better… :(

This is all so helpful thank you everyone. I'm 55 so no chance of kids. But I don't want to feel emotionally lonely as I age, and we are very early stages here. I had a big chat with him yesterday on the back of all this advice and he's admitted that he doesn't feel for me the same way I feel for him. He doesn't miss me when we're not together, he doesn't miss anyone, he's completely happy in his self contained little world.

I think perhaps I need to make the break away now before I get any more emotionally attached. Luckily I had been reading this thread for a while and recognised a lot of the behaviour. It's been invaluable so thank you all.

Also just wanted to say hi @Apex3 its nice to have you back xx

That’s sad and that is my mum to a tea…completely happy in her own world, no need to look outside of this. We all have to go into her world if we want any connection. Really winds me up because my world is also good with my kids but she won’t see this.

@SantasLargerHelper its always sad when you realise you’re not compatible isn’t it?
I hope you’re feeling ok.
And in some ways, happy that our experiences have allowed you to ask the right questions and to give you clarity.

I hope for the best for you going forward.

@CinnamonTart wow….😮
Theres no insight on his side at all is there?
And yes how can you even come back from that?

How are you doing today? I imagine the coming back home won’t have been easy and calm.

Yep, I agree you have to accept the coffee machine is making coffee not washing your clothes.
But it’s also ok to say that it’s essential for you to have a washing machine and to get rid of the coffee machine to make space for it.

And I fully agree about the impact of being told ‘why can’t you do that thing I need?’ must be awful. I believe that actually trauma inducing agd explain some if our dh behaviours.
BUT it doesn’t mean that ‘not having that thing I need’ isn’t also a traumatic experience, esp when that need is an essential need (like intimacy, being seen, sex etc…).

What it points towards is incompatibility of needs. Blame or expecting someone to put up with it (regardless of what the IT is), putting pressure, using guilt etc etc… are never acceptable answers.