Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 15

[BustyLaRoux]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5245372-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-14?page=39&reply=143014416

FIL is autistic, DH and I are pretty sure of it and I've thing he does is he can't sort of 'mildly disagree', he just comes in with 'No, don't be stupid you're totally wrong about that because...' rather than something more sensitive and considered like 'I don't think that can be right, because...'

DH can sometimes be a bit like that with the kids and start shutting them down when they say something he thinks they've got wrong and I do try to intervene and say 'Hang on, hear them out, you don't have the whole context yet' or 'No, that was in the news, they're not wrong' or whatever. And occasionally pointing out he's being like his dad!

So I totally get the feeling invisible etc… but to me it comes from inflexibility and struggling to put yourself in someone else shoes. Not feeling superior.

If dh started sneering out of superiority (which has happened only a couple if times), I’d call him out on it. But as I said, it’s very unusual because that’s not who he is.

I think it’s very different to feel superior (as in Im better than everyone) than being inflexible or struggling to see someone else pov.

I also agree that Theres also a lot of trauma there (with good reasons) and there’s a lot of protective mechanisms at play.

Does anyone else get the thing where you are often the one to spot when DH has double-booked himself/the family or there is some other complication caused by DH's inattention that you'd have spotted if it were primarly your responsibility, and then you feel guilty for 'not spotting it sooner', especially if it then results in problems, even though they are not your fault?

Just had one such scenario, and even though it's not my fault, I feel guilty because DH turned out to be really upset about it. He wasn't upset with me, but I find his anger so oppressive even when it's aimed at someone/something else.

If you all could choose again, would none of you get involved with these autistic men?

I ask as the man I've been seeing for 4 months now is showing similar traits. He's absolutely lovely. Great in bed, really tactile which I love, very physically affectionate. Calm, gentle, sensitive, reliable. We have a great time together. But he doesn't ever compliment me (or anyone else) and there have been no declarations of love or any feelings for me. It's confusing me, and reading through these threads I am ready to cut and run.

When I asked him about the lack of talking about feelings he said he had autistic traits. Is this a thing? I also feel like when we're not together he forgets about me and doesn't miss me. Yet he completely gives me all his attention when we are together. Any insights or advice would be welcomed.

No I wouldn’t @SantasLargerHelper. My DH masked hugely. I was also very self unaware. As time has gone on it’s clear we just aren’t compatible in a couple of key areas and I have to suck that up essentially. I would really have liked to share travel, joy, dancing, adventure and spontaneity with someone.

I forgot to say if might be helpful to look up alexithymia and maybe emotional permanence but I’m not sure how scientific the latter is.

Alexithymia sounds exactly as he describes himself. He doesn't dream either. Damn. He's so nice, and we get on so well otherwise.

@SantasLargerHelper interesting question and i guess my view is different as i never got married/had kids. To be honest on the one hand, id never experienced love like when I was with my autistic ex so in that respect, i feel like he gave me a taste of something that was then taken away from me. But I think maybe if I could do things again, maybe I would have seen the incompatible things and walked away earlier. Im a huge people pleaser and try to make every relationship work regardless of whether that person was actually good for me. And truthfully I wasnt compatible with my ex, not for lack of love but such different ways of thinking/lack of empathy.

We reached a new low today and after pulling H up on it he's now gone upstairs and not really talking to me.

I had not shut the car door properly, realised as we were on the way to shops. Had to open slightly and shut quickly twice before it closed properly, I was in the back with H driving and DD in front passenger seat.

H did an 'impression' of me not being able to shut the door the first time, making me out to be someone with a severe learning disability, so kind of grunting noises and struggling to shut the door. He laughed and DD joined in. I was too shocked to speak for a good minute then asked him if he was making fun of me. He then said 'ohh are you sulking now?' In a patronising kind of voice. I just felt sick, like I'd been kicked in the stomach. We then did our shopping as planned (It felt very surreal) and I sort of pretended all was ok in front of DD. A few hours later I told him I was really hurt and it felt a real low that I really was not ok with. He apologised, but I just couldn't accept it and make up as feel so hurt. I said it must be that he doesn't have much respect for me, to treat me like that. He muttered something about there being no point in him saying anything else and now he is sulking upstairs.

I think it's a death by a thousand cuts as he'dcalled me an interfering old bat this mornings, joking apparently. Just the tip of the iceberg in some ways. Not ok with DD growing up like this.

My dad is not doing great and I could do with not dealing with a separation now on top of that but I feel like there is no going back from this sort of thing.

And I'm already questioning myself as to whether I overreacted.

Being mocked is always horrible and my DH would never do this, we take the piss yes if someone has been a numpty but mocking no, we both recognise how unpleasant it is. I’m sorry things are coming to head for you, I’m not surprised as you have less capacity because you have so much going on emotionally. You didn’t over-react.

Thank you, deep down I know it's not ok but I'm ashamed to say we've had many similar situations over the years, maybe bot as bad, so for H it's not a big deal. For me it is, I think I have more self respect for myself than this.

You’re allowed to no longer be ok with it. We all have our limits and it seems you’ve reached yours. His response implies he either knows he’s out of line or doesn’t care. It very teenager.

He is very much like a teenager, doesn't take accountability at all. Someone very helpfully posted about couples therapy a few days ago and I can clearly see that there is little point in doing that. H doesn't, for whatever reason, take accountability.

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore I thought and I might be mistaken that you have split with each other? Had you not already come to the conclusion that he is not a nice person a lot of the time and immature? He isn’t going to behave any differently this is what immature people do, he isn’t wired to take accountability. The madness is in us keep expecting a change. People very rarely change, they just get better at hiding it.

We split briefly in August/September last year then I was persuaded to give him another chance. I realised very soon that he won't change but somehow I haven't been able to break up with him again. Had planned to in April (my 6 month deadline of taking him back and him showing signs of change) then my dad became unwell and I felt I needed H to take care of DD whilst dealing with that.

But yes, you are right, he's not a nice person a lot of the time and I'm just putting off the inevitable. Because he can be really, really nice at times, I guess I'm stuck in some cycle of thinking it's not so bad...until the next bad phase.

I think it’s all coming to a head @ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore and chances are, it will all hit at once and you’ll be a completely different person the other side of it.

Empowered and free.

Stay strong. There are only so many loops you can sustain before the whole thing implodes. I truly think, our systems can only take so much.

Yes, it feels like a shift is happening. Thank you.

Definitely sounds like a cycle, but then we all think that people will see the light and change. When the push comes to the shove as I’ve felt with my own family members they revert back to self. The improvements we see are short lived because they can’t be sustained. In my family the self interest is just not conducive to any meaningful relationship. They can be nice when it’s going how they want and everyone and everything is functioning how they like but step out of this and they nowhere. They just have no interest if it’s not their interest. Can’t be bothered with them all anymore tbh. All the thinking is disordered and focused on self and keeping self regulated, we are nothing outside of keeping the control. I know it’s not intentional. I get mocked all the time for my dramatics, it’s not nice.

So sorry you're feeling like this. I have come on MN before and got many, many LTB / he's abusive comments, but the one time I posted and mentioned suspected autism the tone of comments was overwhelmingly in his favour and urging me to be more understanding. I say this because I get how you're feeling about a therapist potentially excusing some of his actions. However, I would imagine a good therapist won't do this and would only bring the autism in as a way to help find realistic solutions, - solutions that factor in his autism but don't excuse his behaviour if it is unacceptable. If that makes sense?
I'm in a similar situation. My DH is currently having therapy - but he's actually found it very helpful and has made a lot of positive changes with it. I think somebody with experience in neuro diversity would be a good starting point for couples counselling and this is what I will look for when we start our own relationship counselling (I'm not willing to do ours until DH has completed his individually). I have spotted someone with experience of working with ND couples. I am hoping it will help us to recognise and play to our strengths in the relationship, and to identify the things we naturally aren't very good at and use this to our advantage.
So I'd be looking for a therapist that would be able to accommodate this.

Just as an example - I hate putting washing away and often leave it on my bed or on the floor for days (or longer) before I get a surge of motivation and do a big pile at once. The pile stresses DH out due to the visual clutter and he gets moody and grumpy / it's a point of contention. He is excellent at powering through and getting shit done, so he's agreed to put my washing away so it's no longer annoying him. This is evened out by things I do for him, for example I'm better at social planning so I sort out all the family / friend birthday cards and gifts.

This is obviously just one trivial thing, but gives an idea. I don't know if that helps at all x

Does anyone else get "don't question me"?

I've had this a few times on occasion from DH. Very black and white for him - but absolutely unacceptable for me. It's usually when he's right about something - but the way he totally dismisses any question of this, or discussion or reasoning. I can't explain why it feels so horrible and unacceptable. Almost like his authority should shut me up?
It's been when he knows (thinks) he's right about something (last time was when I was trying to work something out to do with numbers, I'd got it wrong and he corrected me and I said oh... it's not is it? And he immediately said don't question me, you should know that for anything to do with numbers").

I've been trying to find a way to tell him why it's so unacceptable, and there's always a chance he could be wrong, and even if not it's fine to question it. Why doesn't he get it?

Thank you that’s really helpful. And thanks to everyone else who replied as well. I understand he may have more difficulties regulating/find things more triggering and that there may be specific solutions we need to find. But fundamentally some of his behaviour is behaviour I just can’t tolerate whatever the cause, and I guess I don’t want to just be told I should be more understanding and tolerant!

Lurked here on and off for a while and found it so helpful to see I’m not alone. Husband almost certainly ASD and ADHD and his behaviour and attitudes seem to get worse as he gets older I’m in limbo about what would be best for me and the children.
I can relate to so many of the behaviours mentioned here. He refuses to see that he could ever be in the wrong and always says it’s me. I feel a bit broken by it all but at same time don’t know what or how to get out of it.

So I posted on page 2 and then didn't return too well. It turns out I was too overwhelmed at the time and then felt too guilty for not catching up with the posts.

Anyway, it's nice to see your pink kettle @BustyLaRoux and I'm hoping your little cottage is still a haven. It honestly provides such hope. I have a list of things I'd get if I could choose for myself.

@ItReallyDoesntMatterAnymore I was following along before your name change. I have a link to your country of origin! It feels like you are coming back around to where you were last summer. Maybe the longer lighter days bring more strength and clarity over what needs to be done. Although your DF is poorly, perhaps the tension with DH is actually adding more stress than help at this point.

Me and H are so distant now. I have been seeing a therapist who knows me and DS also. She said she can't tell me to leave but that me and the kids will be okay if we do. And that I don't need permission or for it to get 'bad enough' to leave. I've written down everything she told me and I'm trying to channel that energy.

DH is away this week so I'm going to read up on the divorce process so I can understand how it works and what I'm entitled to. I actually think I could be entitled to more of the equity and I'd be able to get a small house on my own (which a maxed out mortgage). Maybe I'll have the guts to do it, but I'm very very very scared. He's not abusive, but he's incredibly cold and defensive, and twists my words and then I get muddled and freeze.
What is clinching it though as its been a YEAR since DS was referred for an ASD assessment. And it's been so worthwhile. Combined with therapy, he has improved 10 fold or more. School have been great. The benefits are obvious. Yet DH can't accept it. Says autism has negative connotations and he doesnt want to discuss it. Says I don't take his opinion into account. But his opinion is that boys don't cry. Boys do sport. Boys man up. Boys don't talk about their problems. How can I listen to that?! DH only cares that he wins, that he's right, that his image is protected. He doesn't see DS for the lovely kid he is.

Day to day it's just distance and silence, and being polite about the weather and practical stuff. But fundamentally DH can't and won't care. The end has to happen, I just need a nudge probably! I worry about how the kids will cope. Will I make it worse for them.

Hope you're all okay and sorry for being a terrible contributer here !

@SantasLargerHelper - no regrets. I have had rough patches and wondered if I regret DH, but ultimately, no. I'm a bit weird myself, maybe autistic (a couple of autistic friends have suggested as much) and there are not plenty of fish in the sea for me. I've never met someone else and wished I'd ended up with someone more like them.

@ThunkedThoughts - sounds like you've made absolutely the right call for you and DS. Good luck with everything, and glad to hear getting support has helped your DS so much.