Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 15

[BustyLaRoux]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5245372-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-14?page=39&reply=143014416

It feels like a fools game. They are never going to feel for us what we feel for them no matter what we tell ourselves. They will only learn to tell us what we want to hear but deep down it’s never going to be there. Either that or we start to reduce what we want until we are empty. They say that it’s a meet in the middle situation but how can either side really be any different, deep down we are already set as a person.

If I accept my own mum I accept the fact that she is self centred. Yeah she will learn what you want, maybe get you a nice gift etc but she will never offer her empathy. We can align in hobbies and interests but once that event is finished the connection is broke. What is a relationship without emotional connection? It’s throw away really.

Yep I was wondering the same. I hope he is ok.
👋👋 @Daftasabroom if you see this post.

I was just thinking of @daftasabroom only yesterday and wondering how they are. I do hope you’re ok @daft! Xx

I can feel your pain coming through your posts. It’s heartbreaking to have a parent who only really thinks of their own needs. I have an autistic dad and he doesn’t really know how to be a parent. I know it’s not his fault. But I do resent him for it. It has been really hard. My mum is dead and I partly blame him for that. I am lucky to have my brother and his wife, but other than that I have no family I have been able to rely on or who care about me for the last ten years. To have an emotionally detached mother must be absolutely awful. Mums are supposed to be our rock! Our safe place. Mine certainly was (until her drinking became out of control). I am grateful to have had the time I had with her. I am so sorry you haven’t had the mum you should have had. That really sucks and must affect all areas of your upbringing and the pain you carry around. 🫂

Do you think that sometimes asd can make people feel superior. If you can’t take responsibility or put yourself into a situation then you falsely believe that it’s everyone else and never you. When in reality you leave a trail of destruction and people who just let it go or can’t be bothered. You can’t argue with them, they can’t see fault or they can’t see your feelings so you just don’t bother, therefor they think they are right.

Yes. Absolutely.

Do you think they see us as inferior to them and a bit silly?

I think we need to be a bit careful about generalizing. My ex certainly fell into the superior category, but equally I know quite a few who don't.

I have joked with my DH that he is like Alexander Hamilton - 🎤 why do you assume you're the smartest in the room? 🎼But the thing is, he often IS the smartest in the room- about the things that interest him.

I agree.
I also think there’s a difference between feeling superior and strongly feeling you’re right.

I dint think dh feels he is superior. If anything he has low self esteem.
Its still extremely hard for him to change his mind.

Same impact on the other person though. It’s not always about being right.

I don’t think many people (NT included) are good at doing that.

DH is a few days into his new job. Interestingly I think this is the first job he's had that involves regular office time since he became aware he was ND. For example, he's said he thinks he needs noise-cancelling headphones for the office- not so much for background noise while working but more in meetings. I'm wondering if/hoping that being more aware of things like this might help prevent things going downhill as they have with some other roles.

Oh he got the job then?! Sorry if I missed that. Hopefully this should be a positive move.

He got the job!!
Yay 🎉🎉

That in itself must have been a relief!

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy how are things going with your dh?
Did he get any further forward with his appointment?

Glad he got the job @Echobelly. He might want to look at Loops, they are small in ear earphones that cancel out excess noise so allow someone to still have conversations. I have many ND friends who swear by them.

No I don’t see that with the autistic people I know.
My dad looks down on people who have different political affiliations. He can’t understand them and tells them how stupid and wrong they are. I mean generally he’s right! These are Brexit voting, often racist people. And he isn’t afraid to call them out for being stupid and wrong!
Stepson acts like he is superior - he likes nothing more than sneering at others and openly ridiculing them, but this obviously comes from a place of very low self esteem.
DP doesn’t think he’s superior but he likes people to know how “senior” he is at work. Will always mention his seniority and drop it into as many conversations as possible. Again I think that comes from knowing he’s not as clever as some other people.
My SIL definitely doesn’t look down on people. Suffers from low self esteem. But she ALWAYS thinks she is right. Not so much superior, just right!
Nephew acts superior but he’s in his 20s and doesn’t have many friends. I think he generally hangs around with older people who probably are more tolerant than people his age, and perhaps he is trying to sound like them, or what he thinks he needs to sound like to appear like them.
Colleague at work (who I have really struggled with over the years and for whom the penny just dropped the other week. Of course!!!! He is so obviously autistic. I don’t know why I didn’t see it before). He again likes to sound superior, certainly over me (he is junior to me in the team) but tries to trip me up, openly laughs at things I say, will just get up and walk out of a meeting when I’m in the middle of talking. And if you’d have asked me two weeks ago I would have said certainly he thinks he is superior to me, to many people! But then it dawned on me. He’s trying to cover up the things he knows he isn’t any good at (admin, using computerised systems, organisation, following instructions). I thought he was just being obstinate and refusing to do as asked despite literally dozens of very clear requests. I thought he was openly sticking his fingers up at me and making my job harder on purpose because he obviously dislikes me and sees no value in my work. Suddenly it became clear. He CAN’T do those things. His brain doesn’t work that way. He blames me that there isn’t a system in place, or that it’s not been communicated to him properly. But of course it has been. No one else has a problem doing this stuff. Even people who’ve only been in post for three months! He’s covering up and hoping no one will notice. He uses blame (usually of me) to hide his inadequacies. So although for years I’ve thought he thinks I’m an idiot and he’s so much better than me, I realise I probably intimidate him on some level (not on purpose!) and he doesn’t want me to know he can’t actually do the work I’ve repeatedly asked him to do. So like with my stepson, he appears superior and seems to like putting others down but the truth is far from that. (Though I do still think he thinks I am an idiot! lol!)
There must be a lot of shame and self doubt at the root of what, on the surface, looks like superiority. At least with the many autistic people that I come into regular contact with.

What’s the difference between being superior and thinking you are right? If you think you are right that means the person in front of you is wrong and you know better doesn’t it?

Thanks - yes, maybe I didn't get to posting about the job here as we got the news as we arrived on a weekend away in Spain!

It sounds like he's a really good cultural fit, lots of ND people he thinks. I just hope nothing annoying happens like it all goes really well for a year or two and then he gets made redundant through no fault of his own. But it's a change of pace from project management, where it just seems like he couldn't make things work out.

I was just about to ask the same. Hope you’re ok @Ohdostopwafflinggeremy

I think feeling superior as a person means that you believe multiple aspects of your character are better than others’. Whereas believing you’re right (ie. you know better) is limited to your opinions rather than aspects of your character. I KNOW better vs. I AM better.
Dunno, just a theory….. SIL a good example. She always knows best. But also suffers from lack of self worth.

Strange way to think really. Unless it’s less knows better and more rigid in their thoughts and less understanding of the opinions of others. Sounds like a teenager, thinks they know best and no acknowledgment of your thoughts or that you might actually know more than them. Also an opinion is not fact and I wonder if they can separate opinion from fact. My mum always think she knows what is best. But she only knows what is best on her perceptions and experiences and will not acknowledge mine or anyone else’s. Her favourite saying is “don’t make a fuss”, “no nonsense”. My bro is the same, no fuss just go to work, do the same things each day. What is life without a bit of fuss and nonsense once in a while!!! Makes it exciting lol! She hates my outlook.

I think you’re right. Opinion = fact. That’s definitely true for all the autistic people I know. It’s not about superiority. It’s just that they cannot separate opinion from fact. My dad the other day was telling his sister why she is “wrong” to use a paper calendar. He uses his online calendar. As far as he is concerned this is better. Told her all the scenarios where a paper calendar is no good. Couldn’t accept she just prefers something different to him and that it works for her, whereas his preference works better for him. He just kept telling her why she was wrong to prefer the paper version. Online is better and to him that is a fact not an opinion or a preference. SIL the same. She will argue and argue that her preference is best and cannot accept different things work for different people. Again I don’t think it comes from feeling superior. Just not being able to grasp that opinions carry equal weight. It’s the rigid thinking (right vs wrong) and lack of empathy (can’t see a different point of view).
I’m sure there are people autistic and NT who do think they’re superior. My experience is perhaps just mine. Maybe your mum does look down on people for being emotional or silly and genuinely think she’s better. Hard to say really. What do you think @Peppasparty ? Is your experience that of people feeling superior?

I wouldn’t say my feeling is that they are superior but I would say that I feel my opinions are not important, my view on things not important, my feelings on things not important. I’m invisible in this sense. If I struggle with something that they can’t see then my struggle is ignored or dismissed. I often feel stupid for struggling with something. Most parents comfort their struggling child. It does feel like they are better than me.