I would like to share some experience with couples therapy and ND affected relationships.
I am ADHD. My DP is ADHD with a lot of autism. I’m anxious-type ADHD and DP is probably ‘ring of fire,’ for those familiar with Daniel Amen. DP isn’t diagnosed ASD but the only core trait missing is intense fixed interests. I believe he has ASD.
Anyway, we’ve done therapy with an ND-informed therapist. She ended our treatment because she decided there was a step DP needed to take before it would work: self accountability.
She said to me privately (there was no point telling DP at this time!) that a lot of ASD/ADHD men in particular have low ability to look inside themselves for causes of problems in relationships. And until that happens they will spend therapy blame-shifting to the partner and trying to get the therapist’s blessing for narratives they have crafted in their own heads to absolve themselves of the deep shame they carry about themselves but cannot bring themselves to acknowledge.
If they are highly intelligent, like my DP, they will use verbal fluency to mask their emotional immaturity.
This is exactly what happened when I tried therapy with DP, 3 times in total with this being the last. This was the second couples therapist who ‘fired’ us and wanted to work with me individually instead. Both said they were reluctant to work with DP.
Why?
He either minimised, devalued, blame-shifted or mutualised problems. The enormous red flag therapy wasn’t working was him punishing me emotionally after a session. He was moody, withdrawn and quietly furious, also snapping at every opportunity for days after. Being rejection sensitive he took every one of my ‘I’ statements as an accusation. He manipulated the ‘I’ statement talking technique to covertly shift blame and define me. I read Patricia Evans and worked out what he was doing. Shortly after we stopped therapy mark 3 we ended the relationship and I continued seeing the counsellor by myself.
DP became after some months desperate to try again. I agreed a trial period (apart from his shame-defence issues there’s a lot of good in the relationship). I went in well-armed with all my new knowledge. I told him the rule had to be that he learned to take responsibility and look inside himself before making any problem my problem or my fault. I wrote a list of things he could not say or me and things he must say instead. We saw each other once a week while he worked on it.
He is much, much better. He sees his patterns, including many I haven’t observed. He has a new psych and better meds (clonodine and guanfacine). Six months on we might be ready for couples therapy again. I might find it traumatic so I’m sticking with 1-1 counseling for now.
My main takeaway here is you can only do therapy if both people are ready and able to look at themselves. Taking a not self aware ND man who is full of shame into the therapy process may trigger him to the point he behaves like a narc. With the wrong therapist he may even be convincing. It can make life more miserable.
What I’ve been advised by my own ND therapist since is this:
You both have a 1-1 session first where the requirement is to focus honestly on yourself instead of what the other ‘is doing.’ A well informed therapist should insist on this and then decide if both parties are ready to start the process. Otherwise it may be dangerous for the non-blaming partner. If both are ‘it’s not me it’s you’ types, it becomes a slanging match.
If both are ready, you commit to discussing issues only during therapy or perhaps also for one set hour each week, with ground rules. You agree mutually what to discuss at the next session during this time.
And always check in with yourself after sessions. Take some time apart rather than discussing the session together right away. If you feel scared or sad, it’s not worth the money.
Hope that helps. I may have spent £600 working this out. Should’ve taken myself on a yoga weekend!