Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 15

[BustyLaRoux]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5245372-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-14?page=39&reply=143014416

Also just reading here about avoidance behaviour and it seems to describe ex to a t. How did I not see this?

I’m so sorry @Petra42 That must be so hard. Just ending it abruptly like that. No discussion. No closure for you. I suppose he had his reasons. He wanted more. He felt he’d made his feelings clear. You were unable / unwilling to give him what he needed. Therefore the relationship may as well end. It’s all very black and white. All very focussed on himself and his needs. No empathy for your situation. No empathy for how this sudden end will be making you feel. I’m afraid I’ve found that the autistic people in my life (with the exception of DP to some extent) simply don’t consider how their actions will affect the other person. Most of us wouldn’t be able to shut down a relationship like that. Ignore the nice messages you’d sent. Write off the years together just like that. It’s cruel. But they don’t see it like that because they don’t consider your feelings. For them they’re just servicing their own needs. They’re avoiding an emotional conversation. They’re avoiding having to witness any of your pain. Simply: this is not giving me what I want. End.
I’m sure you already know this, but this is not a good person to be your partner. They don’t have your interests at heart. This behaviour is cruel. Either they know it’s cruel but behave like this anyway or they haven’t considered you at all. Neither of those is what we need from a partner. You may not be ready to hear this, but in many ways he has given you your life back. You have the chance to heal, to grow, to find someone who deserves you. None of which you can do while you’re still with him. For now though it’s OK to grieve the end of the relationship and miss the good times. Just keep reminding yourself he isn’t the one and doesn’t have your best interests at heart. Sending strength. Xx

@Petra42 thats just awful. What a horrible way to end something. As the Busty said absolutely no consideration for you at all. Perhaps he has convinced himself that you are completely ok because if it doesn’t bother him then why would it bother you. But you’d think a blunt msg would be sent, nothing at all is very avoidant and purposeful as you text him.

I’m sorry @Petra42 . It’s a shit way to end things. Something you’d expect from a 14yo, not a grown up man.

And yes avoidance probably explains some of the behaviour. And not knowing what to say etc… It’s still shit.

How are you keeping? And how is your dc taking that?
🫂🫂🫂

@SpecialMangeTout3 Hi, im OK actually, just confused and sad but carrying on. I did tell the children and they were confused because they said they thought he made me happy. I said yes. Then they asked if it was because of them, because they had missed seeing me so when i wanted to try and redress the balance more, this then triggered him ending/backing off. I felt really sad for them but made sure they knew it was just things didn't work out as hoped. This is someone I'd known for some years so not something unimportant.

I completely know this is the right decision but I do think he's the type to run when things feel a lot for him. Why didnt I see this!

Could he have placed you into the role of enemy as he sees you as the reason for his negative feelings? He can’t take responsibility so he’s placed himself as victim maybe?

@Peppasparty yes, most likely. Though more that it's become overwhelming for him to think about so he's checked out. I know its all related to the autism thing and I know it would never have worked with the kids needing me. But usually I'm pretty switched on/empathetic so I'm just struggling to see how it didn't see all this coming

I think that you will have learned from this @Petra42

It doesn't really matter what his thought processes are at this point. He's moved on. As so very often, it's the women who are left mourning. In the end he left you a choice: give him what he wanted (giving in, against your assessed best interests) or standing with your own decision. I think you did the right thing to stand by your decision.

Someone on Mumsnet posted a link to this poem recently and it hit me so hard it almost made me weep. Might it speak to you too?

“Just let them.
If they want to choose something or someone over you, LET THEM.
If they want to go weeks without talking to you, LET THEM.
If they are okay with never seeing you, LET THEM.
If they are okay with always putting themselves first, LET THEM.
If they are showing you who they are and not what you perceived them to be, LET THEM.
If they want to follow the crowd, LET THEM.
If they want to judge or misunderstand you, LET THEM.
If they act like they can live without you, LET THEM.
If they want to walk out of your life and leave, hold the door open, AND LET THEM.
Let them lose you.
You were never theirs because you were always your own.
So let them.”

Then it goes on, but perhaps this isn't so relevant

“Let them show you who they truly are, not tell you.
Let them prove how worthy they are of your time.
Let them make the necessary steps to be a part of your life.
Let them earn your forgiveness.
Let them call you to talk about ordinary things.
Let them take you out on a Thursday.
Let them talk about anything and everything just because it’s you they are talking to.
Let them have a safe place in you.
Let them see the heart in you that didn’t harden.
Let them love you.”
— Cassie Phillips

I think Peppa might be onto something here @Petra42 it must be so painful to just be dropped like that, even though it's his loss and not yours 🫂

@Petra42 A lot of us have been in relationships where afterwards we have asked ourselves how did we not see this coming. Because people lie and hide and project and mirror and we can only react to what we see. We didn’t know that it was a mask until the mask has slipped and the truth is revealed. This is the real man under the mask I’m afraid. Yes he is a good man in other ways but this is part and parcel of this man. We think that people think like us and we project this onto others when the truth is very different.

Sometimes we simply don't know how other people tick, and we come across someone who ticks in a different way and it takes time to understand that. There isn't any right or wrong about it, it's just different and doesn't suit our way of being.

Not that there aren't plenty of deliberate deceivers out there, ugh.

And plenty of those who only do when they benefit. That’s hard to spot as you think they are kind but it’s all self serving.

Yes :s

I would love your opinion on something that’s driving me insane ...

DH and I both work on our computers in the sitting room in the evenings (own businesses) - he sits diagonnal to me. If he asks me a question, he won’t look up while I reply - he keeps typing and scrolling on his computer. I’ve asked him a few times (nicely) if he can just stop what he’s doing / pause while I answer so I feel heard?!

It’s now got to a point where I lose my shit of just get over myself. But he doesn’t do it with anyone else and that plus zero affection is making me feel so dimissed and invisible.

Hi all. I'm a long time lurker and avid follower but haven't posted.

I've returned from a long day sat in A&E by myself. A good chance to reflect on my dp.

I was having severe chest pains last night and as currently undergoing tests for heart palpitations, NHS 24 told me to go to hospital to be checked. The wait for ambulance was 5 hrs so they said to make my own way
DP who was diagnosed on ASD spectrum 14 yrs ago was around but didn't get involved, he sat reading news on his phone and making a new playlist. I got the kids sorted, uniforms and lunches ready for today, jnto bed and then i walked there by myself. I really wasn't thinking straight, didn't really consider that it was a stupid idea. DP didn't either and was happy to wave me off.

I sat alone all might. He went to bed as usual. After watching a movie and enjoying his new play list. Alone. His favourite way to be. He texted a couple of updates on his film and music but didn't ask what was happening With me. No-one knew I was there and I didn't want to disturb anyone as it was late.

After lots of tests, I got home around 3pm. Thankfully no heart attack 😊 but v painful costichrondritis. I caught a bus home.

DP was a bit concerned but not much.
He admitted that he didn't really believe I was in pain and even after tests and results, he still doesn't. He was annoyed i wouldnt lie down but i had to get the kids dinner as he hadn't thought ahead and had no plans. he was exasperated when I flinched in pain with any movement.

I've realised i am.pretty much alone. He's just not capable of meeting my needs. We are not a partnership nor a team . I do pretty much everything in our lives. I plan, organise, sort it all. The mundane and the nice.
Any small thing he does doesn't work out, he can't even get our daughter to her swim training on time on the 1 session out of 7 in a week that he has to do. Hes rang angry that he missedca connection so yet again they are late. He doesnt drive and refuses to use taxis. Im the one who on my work days gets up at 4am to get her there for 5am. He sleeps on.

I always hoped he'd change and things would be different. He can't change and this is thecwaybit will be.
I'm tired, scared and done.

@facingmumsfuture - i’m so sorry to hear this and I hope you feel better soon - and yes this is just how it seems to be. And what we accept as our normal. There is no genuine care. It’s so hard to explain to others in a way that they actually hear us. My daughter said to me ‘why don’t you leave Dad - you’d find such a lovely man’.

I'm sorry @facingmumsfuture that sounds very alienating and lonely. But yes, you have to accept he isn't changing and it isn't working.

DH has final round job interview tomorrow - it would be amazing if he gets this one, but I reckon he will be pipped at the post by someone with more direct experience, which he is lacking in some areas. Sounds like he does have a good rapport with hiring manager though, so you never know.

We've had a desert of regular salary for a while - he moved into project management about 12 years ago and had about 3 permanent roles end without passing probation - this one is going back towards programming (an area he worked in at one place for 8 years with no issues). He was OK doing contracts and it paid well, but some of those ended abruptly too. DH is just kind of marmite - some people really like him and have written recommendations on LinkedIn saying he was the best PM they worked with, while managers at the same role clashed with him and moved him on. It's not like he's having stand up rows or anything, but some feedback has suggested he's been too disruptive, and I also wonder whether his 'intensity' makes people uncomfortable and he might seem angry when he isn't.

Like, the only example I can give (this is a bit weird, but bear with me) was my brother and family were over for tea and my niece was using a fancy cake knife that was a wedding present, but the handle is a bit broken. It was getting a bit more twisted up as she was using it and DH seemed to get quite upset and was all 'Stop, stop, you're breaking it' and then he took it away and got another knife. He wasn't yelling, just very... intent and I could see my brother's family looking at one another like 'What was that about?' as he walked away from the table. And I wonder if he gets a bit like that at work? That people just get a bit taken aback by his strength of feeling on something that doesn't feel like a big deal?

SpecialMangeTout3

DH definitely buries his sand, not sure whether it is to overwhelm or something else.

We are away at the moment, DD just called to say she has decided to withdraw from all of her exams. She is struggling with all the revision, feeling anxious and overwhelmed with it all. We were on a call to her most of yesterday afternoon as she was so upset.

Cue me getting upset, tried to hide them in the shower but failed. DH getting cross with me but frankly i dont care. I want to go home

He cant cope with my tears but i cant hide them this morning.

I’m sorry that’s really unkind, he is trying to deny the natural mechanisms of emotional regulation. But then I suppose his mechanism is to hide. So difficult. You need to do this, literally need to expel the energy so don’t deny it.

@facingmumsfuture 🫂🫂🫂 to you. I hope the pain will calm down soon.

And yes I know only too well the ‘I don’t believe you’ feeling. It’s extremely hard to deal with, especially when you need them to accomodate you.

Fwiw, and I say this very gently, one thing I’ve learnt is that dh has only started to believe me when I stopped doing stuff despite the pain/fatigue etc… Before that, there was clearly a ‘Well she is still doing xyz so it can’t be that bad’.
And when I stopped, dh had to step up. Ok it wasn’t brilliant at first. But he did.
All that to say that it’s ok to some times put yourself first. Esp when it’s about your health (physical or emotional).
No one will care if you’ve prepared the uniforms whilst having a potential heart attack.

@Georgeismydog go back home.
Your dd comes first.

Seriously, he should WANT to do the sane thing anyway.

@CinnamonTart yep. I get that.

I suspect it’s part of the ‘parallel play’ thing. As well as avoiding the small talk etc… side of things.

I have to say nowadays, I wouldn’t lift my head from the computer/ipad either. Why would I if it’s to be met with a back/forehead rather than someone actually trying to connect??

SpecialMangeTout3

We are now home.

Why doesnt he get it?

Am i overreacting?

I know I worry a lot

You’re not over reacting. It’s normal to go back home when your dc is struggling like this.
I know that his reaction makes you doubt yourself. You’re second guessing, and ‘what if I was the one who has it wrong’.
You're not.
You’re doing what’s best for your dd. If anything, you’re showing her she’s important. That you see her. That you listen. And that you’re there for her.
And that is one of the most important thing you can do for her.