Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 15

[BustyLaRoux]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5245372-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-14?page=39&reply=143014416

SpecialMangeTout3

Thank you. I am super second guessing myself. His reaction is not helping. Feel so overwhelmed with it all

Fwiw a little story.
When the dcs were little, dc2 had an awful teacher. One that told me he was just lazy and that it was my fault if he was struggling with English because I’m speaking my mother tongue to him. He was in reception. Clearly behind in reading etc…. And he was supposed to have that same teacher the following year.
DH refused to change school. It’s the nearest from home. That’s where he is supposed to go.
I held fast, told him both dcs were changing school. I chose the school, did all the paperwork. It was extremely stressful. Both because I knew he was so against it and because we were against the clock re the start of the hols.

Move a couple of months and dh told me how good the move was for dc2 and how we should have done that months before.

Arrrggg….

All that to say.
No he doesn’t see it just now.
It doesn’t mean it’s not the best choice. Trust yourself there.
He might even get round acknowledging it was the right choice.

SpecialMangeTout3

Thank you again. Hard trust myself, worrying myself silly

My DH will never admit to anything that is my decision being the best one. Passed caring about that now

Might have been the rigid thinking taking president. We are on holiday, that’s the plan, that’s what’s happening, that’s what my brain is stuck on. It’s like a great big paint brush has blacked out anything else. It’s like a 2d image where nothing exists in the background.

For what it’s worth most parents would not be able to enjoy a single second of the holiday and want to go home. But those are the folks who can imagine a world outside of themselves and can empathise with others even though they are far away.

@Georgeismydog if I’ve learnt anything from my own childhood is that the most important thing you can give your child is the gift to be seen. To not feel like an inconvenience. To know your parent(s) will be behind you no matter what.
Youre giving that to your dd. She’ll know you care. She’ll know she is important to you. That you have her back and you’re ready to support her.
This is invaluable.

Ignore his grumbles. The looks etc…
He doesn’t get it. Fine. You do. And that matters.
You’re doing great. Don’t let him tell you otherwise.

Was in the car when DH got call on speaker from agent who got him interview - agent is pretty sure he'll get an offer tomorrow, and that's not something agents say unless they're certain. His only query was re: pay - DH might have to come in on the 'low' end because of his not-entirely-aligned background, but honestly it's fine, it's nearly twice what I earn (and I earn decently) and a good 25% more than his last perm role.

I really hope he gets this and I really hope it works out - we're off on a weekend away with friends early on Friday so it would be lovely to head out with this in the bag. He should be able to start next week if all goes through.

Fingers crossed for you @Echobelly

🤞🤞 @Echobelly

SpecialMangeTout3

Thank you, means a lot

Hi there. Long term lurker on this thread. Its great. Please can I ask for some advice?

My partner of three years has ADHD and borderline autism. I have ADHD myself but its pretty mild and I'm good at managing it.

My partner is emotionally and verbally abusive. I need to leave him. We do not live together and I am not in danger.

But becuase he has psychiactric problems - more on this below - I need to work out how to tell him that I am leaving him without endangering him or making him feel suicidal. He has two young children he shares 50-50 with his ex wife. I feel responsible not for him but for them.

I am certain he is abusive.

He is kind, loving, attentive, helpful and loyal for 90% of the time (aren't they all). He is not a common or garden narcissistic abuser. He doesn't operate the standard abuse cycle of love-bomb, tension, explode. What happens is sporadic episodes where he gets angry and directs the anger at me unjustifiably, using small or imagined incidents as reasons to lash out.

The real abuse dynamic is that when I tell him the behaviour was unjustified (using 'when you did x, I felt y') his reaction to that harms me much more than the original incident. He tries to blame-shift, divert the conversation to something 'I' did that is the same as what I am claiming he has done, tells me I am projecting my own issues onto him, or questions my mental health.

I will half of the time continue reacting calmly. At this point he will mock me with phrases like 'what self help book are you reading now.'

The other half of the time, when the discussion has descended into an hour or more of my trying to be heard and justify myself and deal with his countering/minimising devaluing, I will get reactively angry. He will then either play the victim or claim I am mentally unstable, with feigned concern statements like 'I don't know what's wrong with you. Is there anyone I can call for you?'

This is absolutely terrible and I can't and won't take any more of it, however wonderful he is for the majority of the time.

But because his anger episodes and shame/defensiveness are caused by ADHD and also PTSD instead of the usual abuser's need for dominance and control, he is vulnerable. I just don't know how to tell him I want to leave without causing him to have some sort of breakdown. Please advise. I am not in any danger from him from leaving - though if I stay I would sustain harm - as he isn't actually cruel or violent. But he is not well.

@Labrakadabra what do you think could be a trigger for him re being suicidal?

I’m thinking that you can’t control his reactions, so even if you put a hell of a lot of thoughts/care on how to tell him, you will never know for sure how he is going to react.
As you’re trying to protect the dcs, my first reaction is to say ‘’tell him just after the dcs have left for their mum so he has a few days to get his head around it’.

And seeing he is taking well to the ‘when you do xyz, I feel abc’. I’d keep it very simple. More like ‘It’s not working for me. Theres too much tension around’. Still being very precise and clear but with little emotion (which would cater for the autism side of him).

Thanks @SpecialMangeTout3 great advice.

We can't control other people or their reactions, can we. You're right.

I have made up my my mind how to do this. I got the brainflash when you mentoined the autism. I can forget the ADHD/trauma/shame stuff and appeal to that.

I am going to state very, very clearly how I require him to behave, without implied criticism, but as in 'this is how I expect two people in a healthy relationship to treat each other and I need us to be this way.' It will be a clear, bulleted list. Like a job description. No grey areas. Totally set in stone.

I will then ask him for his views and feedback.

He will mathematically and diligently calculate the risk and reward ratio of working on himself adequately vs staying exactly as he is and searching for someone who will allow him to shout at them whenever he can't help it. He will probably after many days of analysing people realise such a person does not exist. He will then either decide to be alone or to be better. Either way it will be his decision so nothing for him to feel shame for.

He will know exactly what is required of him which will make him feel secure or allow him to decide for himself that we are not suited.

Phew. Thanks for the inspo.

So, dh is still "ill". He has been "ill" and off work for nearly 3 months now.
I have never experienced a 'shutdown' before and I'm wondering if this is what's happening.
He has become some kind of non-verbal ghost that appears to us on occasion, then vanishes just as suddenly.
He will come down in the morning, tell me what his blood pressure is (always completely normal) go for a walk, then have to rest in his room for the rest of the day as he is so fatigued.
He has had every test possible done and so far has been diagnosed with a possible trapped nerve in his shoulder and the fatigue is due to his blood pressure medication.
He is now waiting for a neurology appointment. He has convinced himself that it must be something.
I don't know how to help him, its as though he doesn't want help either, just keeps telling me his symptoms and how I have "no idea what this feels like"
Unbelievably I have been ill in the past but shit still needs done and you don't get to just bow out of your responsibilities.
I actually don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to help.
He has said he can't possibly go back to work until they find out what's wrong with him. I don't know what to do with that information.
He has completely shut down.
Is this an adhd shutdown?
Any insight would help me at this point as this is completely new territory for me.

Could he have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I’ve heard this is common in ND people because of the levels of stress they experience? Perhaps he can’t quite articulate how he feels and it’s scaring him. Or could it be a possible breakdown and he has shut down like you said.

Thanks @Peppasparty. It could be CFS or some kind of breakdown like you said. He insists he is not stressed about anything though ( other than his health obviously)
When I say he is in his bed resting all day, he isn't sleeping, he's doomscrolling or watching sport.
He is leaning towards Parkinsons or MS or a brain tumor or cancer though. These concerns have all been ruled out by the various doctors he has seen though.
He has had blood/urine/stool/prostrate tests, EKG's, X-rays. He is waiting for an MRI and a neurologist appointment.
He has seen a doctor every other week for the last 3 months, chiropractors, physiotherapists, acupuncturist, massage therapists. He doesn't seem to want any advice or suggestions, just someone to complain about his 'ailments' to.
It's like Groundhog day and I don't know what else to do.😞

Perhaps he needs a different kind of doctor as it sounds psychological. I don’t think people tend to know when they having a breakdown. Especially if they are able to shut down parts of them.

@Peppasparty I have suggested he speak to a mental health professional as he has to move forward regardless of what his condition may be.
He refuses, because as soon as they find the something then they can cure him as he'll be fine.
He is someone who doesn't think his adhd has any impact on his life or those around him though.

Hello. I’m struggling quite a bit at the moment. Have been with DH for 28 years. He is ASD but refuses to acknowledge this (“there’s nothing wrong with me, you’re the one with the all the issues”etc etc). We have three children in their twenties, two with AUDHD, the third with ASD traits. All three are fab people with lots of insights into their ND, kind, loving, and successful. Me - prob have some ND traits, more the ADHD than ASD.
Life is so hard rn, we’re in an endless cycle of rowing, not speaking, being ‘civil’, then back to rowing. I find DH cold, controlling and emotionally shut down. Not sure how much longer I can keep goi g in the marriage.
BUT I feel so sad about this - I know it’s impossible but I keep wishing things/he could be different. I still love him and I don’t want to leave but honestly can’t endure much more of this. I do counselling which is very helpful (he utterly disapproves of this, and accuses me of manipulating therapists we went to in the past, manipulating the children against him etc etc.
Thank you if you’ve managed to read this, just wanted to clear my mind really.

@KittytheHare you can leave even if you love someone. It sounds like you’re reaching the end of the road. He might care but be unable to give you what you need, he might not care and you’re convenient to have around. But you need to put yourself first now however that plays out for you.

@Pashazade thank you. Sometimes it does just boil down to something that simple - I do need to put myself first here, you’re right.
Am seeing a solicitor next week, purely to see where I would stand financially if we split. But it’s hard to imagine leaving him, after spending 28 years patching things up and stumbling through the bad times

Well done @KittytheHare. That’s the start of things. You will get answers and know where you stand.

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy that sounds so hard for you. As you said, in the absence of a diagnosis he can’t just opt out of family life. And in the absence of anything else, he will probably eventually get a diagnosis of something like ME/CFS.
Maybe the time has come to stop trying to help him, as he seems not to want to be helped. What do you think would happen if you laid it on the line and told him that as all the investigations have not shown any reason for his illness, you expect him to step up and at least take some responsibility.
Is he eating? Sleeping?
sending hugs to you

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy i think I would have used up all my sympathy tokens by now!! Are you having to support him financially as well?

@BustyLaRoux Yes my patience has reached max now, I don't know what he wants me to say or do. Just the same one-sided reiterating of his symptoms on a loop.
He is the breadwinner, so if he decides he can't work again then we're screwed. He doesn't want to talk about that though.
@Bluebellforest1 I have tried to gently tell him he needs to make more of an effort, i have exploded at him and demanded he stop ignoring the kids. He has always been uninterested in conversation but at least he was gone for weeks at a time, me and the kids could reset. Him being here but not being here is not working for anyone.
The atmosphere in the house is actually quite hostile now.

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy
you must be worried sick, as well as furious, frustrated and every other emotion.
would it be worth seeing a solicitor, just to get some clarity on what you might be entitled to if it all goes tits up?
I live a pretty miserable life here with H, but nothing like you’re going through, retired, mortgage paid off and no shared kids in the mix.
I really feel for you x