Hello and welcome.
I am the ADHD partner and DP is Autistic. Funnily enough we are the other way round in terms of mess and organising. DP has poor executive function and really struggles with organising anything. This includes his physical space Not helped by the fact he has a tendency to hoard stuff. He has lots of hobby stuff (which never gets used). Lots of paperwork which sits in piles and bags and boxes which he never files or deals with. When he cooks he uses every knife, chopping board, roasting tin, etc. He is a great cook (he used to be a chef) but the mess he makes is unholy!
I, on the other hand, am scrupulously tidy. I have spreadsheets for things. I organise all our holidays. When I was growing up I was very chaotic. Everything disorganised. My room…you couldn’t see the floor. Couldn’t find anything. I don’t know what happened, but when I started living on my own, I went the other way! I became quite obsessive about tidiness. My house is always tidy. My desk is tidy. My bed is always made. I love my home and making it nice is like my special focus to the point where mess makes me agitated and distracted.
Living together was a shock! DP had sold himself quite differently. He’d said he was meticulous and organised!! The trouble with DP is he talks the talk. He would LIKE to be that way. He sees himself that way. He is not that way at all!! I had to very quickly adjust. At first I tried to help him with his paperwork (there’s a LOT. Tax returns. Child Arrangements Orders, so many court appearances, etc). He would get angry with my suggestions as he felt criticised. He would promise to do tasks which he then delayed or made excuses for. He has real issues with task avoidance. In the end I gave up trying to help. Invariably he would end up shouting. So I’ve left him to it. He can manage his own shit show!
In terms of our living space though, this was harder. I couldn’t ignore it. He makes a mess in every room he goes in! If he takes something out of a cupboard (say a drill) he won’t put it back. He’ll put it in front of the cupboard and say “I might use it again later”. He won’t. It will sit propped up against the cupboard for three weeks. It won’t bother him. He won’t tidy the kitchen as he goes. He will pile everything up or leave it on the work surface. Then at the end of the day he’ll clear it all up in one go. This is different to me. I will clear everything up as I go. There is no stuff left sitting about all day. Just different ways of doing things I guess. But it does mean having to work in / look at at a messy kitchen all day and this gives me the heebeejeebies!!!
In the end, without meaning to, I guess what I did was resign certain rooms to him and I kept on top of the other rooms. The lounge I kept tidy, the bathroom and our bedroom. I just tidied his shit up and these were then spaces I could relax in. Every morning I come downstairs and the first thing I do is go into the lounge and take out his food and plates from last night, puff the cushions and have a general tidy. It only takes a few minutes. The kitchen, office and breakfast room were given over to him. So I stopped washing up all his crap. I would do basic things like unload the dishwasher and take out the bins. But his piles of paper were all over the room, the table was covered. I just left him to it. I didn’t like it. But if and when I did tidy it he would get angry and say I was criticising him (even if I didn’t speak and he wasn’t in the room!). He felt my displeasure is probably what he meant. Felt guilty that once again I was tidying his crap up and he would have known it would irk me.
It kind of worked. I didn’t feel like I was his housemaid/mummy. Cleaning up after him in every room throughout the day. And he didn’t feel on edge with me having to clean up for him. He had his chaos space where he could relax and I had my tidy spaces where I could relax. But it did mean I just stopped cooking altogether. I HATED going in the kitchen. The bowls of this and that everywhere. The fridge which was dirty and full of endless jars and old leftovers and packets of random meats. It did make me a bit resentful. I decided I hated cooking. Whereas I’d quite liked cooking before I lived with him.
I can’t say that we found the perfect way to do things. This, plus many other reasons, has meant we decided to live apart in the end. For me, the mess was a large factor. I just felt on edge in my own home. I couldn’t cook anything. My diet turned to shit (or I just didn’t eat). I have very much enjoyed my new space. The kitchen is clean and organised. The fridge is a joy to behold. I have been enjoying making lovely food for me and the kids again. It’s amazing how someone else’s totally incompatible living preferences can affect you!
The mess is something he doesn’t see. Whereas I am either compelled to tidy it (which I don’t mind doing a bit but all day in every room and I start to seethe!) or I sit there gritting my teeth and avoiding certain rooms. He also felt on edge as I suppose he could sense my discomfort about something he can’t really do anything about.
I don’t know the answer. Living apart is easiest. lol! Maybe not an option for you! Having certain spaces which are kept tidy and some which are more chaotic did mean we had some spaces we could relax in. I wonder if your DH feels like I did. Constantly on edge and resentful about how much he feels he needs to do to keep on top of it. It’s quite hard to live in someone else’s mess. Just as it is hard to see the mess and deal with it if your brain just doesn’t work that way. I suppose you have to find a compromise. He needs to let some stuff go a bit and you probably need to tidy up as you go along more. Perhaps easier said than done…..