Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 15

[BustyLaRoux]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5245372-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-14?page=39&reply=143014416

It's possible he's not remotely thinking that. It's possible that he's simply got nothing to say atm. I don't mean this meanly @Peppasparty but when you say maybe he's punishing her by silence, that's how a NT person might interpret it. His thought processes are different, and I'm not sure we can really tell what they are.

I will say @Petra42 that from what you've said and how you've said it, I suspect the strong feeling of connection and being understood may be, I'm afraid, an illusion, and if he'd mived in, in 8 years you'd be looking back and wondering where the man you fell in love with had gone. Nothing solid to base this intuition except following these threads for years now and seeing the experience of some people.

Totally agree with everything you’ve said there @DucklingSwimmingInstructress

It feels like a punishment. And it should be obvious it would feel that way so surely that MUST be why they’re doing it!

Also yes, it’s possible the emotional connection won’t feel that way in a few years if you did live together. So many people on here saying the person they are with now is nothing like the person they once knew. I had known DP for 3 years prior to us being together and we lived together for over a year before I started to not recognise the person I was with. It broke my heart.

@DucklingSwimmingInstructress @Peppasparty Thank you both, I did message one nice message yesterday evening so feel a bit of closure mentally now as I didn't get any response so its pretty obvious (to me finally) now that hes gone underground. I just explained that I loved him. That was what I wanted the takeaway point to be.

Had I gotten any reply, I think it would have made me look at our past more favourably but this silence has helped me consider whether this is the comms i could handle going forward in a relationship. Still someone who made me feel truly loved/i loved, but also someone wired very differently to me. There's a part of me thinking we all have our quirks but in my case, there were fundamental differences in thoughts (attitudes to children, family, recreational habits, meltdowns due to life yet me rushing in to try and smooth it over) which made it harder to see a future together. Very sad but I'm getting through. Thank you all for being supportive. I posted on this thread because I didnt think this was the average break up story, it was more complex. But the advice here has been invaluable

Frankly, I’m a bit envious, Petra. I wish I’d seen my DHs behaviour before I married him and had kids.

life would have been different and probably happier

That’s what I was getting at really. It’s the not knowing that causes the upset to us. I’m not saying it’s a punishment but leaving someone with nothing is not acceptable in a relationship whoever you are. There are rules whether they like it or understand it or care to acknowledge it. I know that’s a rigid thing. Most relationships fail regardless of Neurodivergency without communication. I think personally it’s irrelevant the motive. It’s like trying to keep a flower alive without water. It a fundamental requirement for healthy relationships full stop really. We have to adapt but they have to adhere to some rules also if they want a kind relationship.

@Petra42 I think this is the universe telling you this isn’t the one for you. Perhaps your future self is thanking you right now. It’s obviously hugely upsetting, but you’re right, he isn’t wired the way you need him to be in order to be emotionally able to be your partner. Shutting down completely (so not even a “all fine, just need some down time for a bit” response) isn’t acceptable. It’s cruel, even if he isn’t aware of that. You don’t need that in your life and my god it would be a whole lot worse if you ever did live together. Silences for days. Tiptoeing round, sometimes not even aware what you’ve done. Or if it even is something you’ve done or something external which has upset him. It’s no way to live, I can assure you. Lucky escape and all that, though I know it won’t feel that way now x

Do you think children who are guided younger fair better as adults in relationships? It must be hard to learn these things as an adult.

Will check in properly later but can I just get this off my chest? How am I supposed to cope with the emotions of menopause with a DH with suspected ASD? Sorry for sweeping statement but he has zero empathy. He finds my tears hard to cope with.... thanks for the support then...

Agreed!

Im told yes for most people.

My ex had zero recognition or support growing up. Not officially diagnosed but sons' experienced assessor and oldest's excellent support worker also think he's autistic. It's the way that he is so very, very like his son ... !

My diagnosed autistic oldest has had quite a lot, and while there are serious struggles his support worker thinks that he will have far more equipment to handle a relationship and work, as long as he takes his own limitations into account.

We'd be lost without that support worker. Owe him so much.

I’m sorry @Petra42 .
Its a hard reality to wake up to.

Take care of yourself.
You deserve it!

I don’t know @Georgeismydog .
I haven’t found any other solution other than not relying on dh.

SpecialMangeTout3
Yes that is my strategy too. Hard though isnt it. So many times I've hid in the swimming pool changing rooms and had a good cry

Yes to that.
Also finding my own support.
My GP surgery organises ‘menopause clinics’ once a month where women can come and talk about all things menopause and support each other etc….

But I have to say it’s shit. I didn’t sign to be hyper independent when I got married.

SpecialMangeTout3

My only support is on here

Parenting on my own too

@Georgeismydog

We hear your loneliness

Hi All

I've just come across this thread. I will go back and read it all, and perhaps the previous ones too, but I just wanted to introduce myself. My DH is likely autistic and i am diagnosed ADHD. My youngest child is diagnosed autistic, and my middle child is awaiting assessment for ADHD. My oldest has some autistic traits but probably not enough to obtain a diagnosis.

My Dad definitely had OCD. Two of my cousins are autistic. My DH says that it is likely his Dad is autistic and probably his grandfather as well. So we have quite the genetic lines running between us.

I am sure that my DH suspects that he is autistic, but it is not something we have ever discussed as I think it would upset him. I don't think it's my place to "diagnose" him anyway. I found it funny when I was researching autistic traits while waiting for my son's diagnosis. I would mention something like "apparently hand flapping doesn't show up on all kids - we need to look out for things like finger tapping", and him saying "finger tapping? Sure that can't be autistic, everyone does that, I do that all the time". I thought "yeeeahhhhh, I'll just... leave that there".

We've been together for 17 years and we've definitely had our low points. After I had my third was a particularly stressful time for various reasons and DH barely spoke to me for a period of five months. In hindsight, it was probably autistic burnout combined with some situational stress.

I'd like to get an insight on how other people deal with an autistic partner, and also to get an insight on how frustrating it might be to have an ADHD partner. DH is painfully organised, and gets upset when things get untidy or messy. In contrast, I don't even see mess, and hate housework. It's probably the biggest source of tension between us. We're like chalk and cheese in a lot of ways. Anyway, I'm going back to read the threads now.

@BustyLaRoux I have been thinking a lot about all this and actually I think from my exs view, he was probably desperately lonely and I became his world. I can imagine it was tough for him to get used to me around then me rushing off to do my own family things. I have a feeling for his own sanity, he now wants something more stable to rely on, that is someone who is there all the time for him. I think he was just very lonely and did the best thing for himself, just retreated away. I miss him.

Everyone send good vibes - DH has an interview for a job that sounds perfect tomorrow. Good money, permanent, for something ethical he'd love to work in. We've had 12 years in a bit of a wilderness after several perm roles in row broke down when he moved into project management and we both think this is probably connected to undiagnosed ADHD/autism (DS has an ADHD diagnosis). He has been doing contracting which brought in enough money for him to spend time developing his own product, but the contracting market has gone to hell so he's looking at perm roles, but not in management. He's developed his product quite far, so hoping to find some way to get it moved on in his own time around a job.

It would be great if he could get this for many reasons, including he might be too busy to try 'teaching' DS French, which is just making DS stressed and DH angry most of the time.

@Echobelly good luck to your DH but not sure I understand the teaching french bit...

Welcome @Echobelly there are quite a few ND ND relationships on here andvlike you I've found it a good place to understand this dynamic better. Good luck to your DH with the interview.

Sorry you are suffering @Petra42 💐. Autistic shutdowns are a big part of life here and they are extraordinarily damaging to me personally. Also they show up in burnout and overwhelm so when things are easy all is great, but when the shit hits the fan and you really need your person, they might not be there because their response is like a turtle to go completely into their own secure space. Then you can be left hanging and dealing with everything separately when what would benefit you is connection. It sucks.

I'm single without being single

I also find they eventually stop retreating to the safe space and take up residence in it and never come out. They avoid avoid avoid so much they end up in the shell permanent. It’s awful being a person who loves them at this point and there is very little you can do. Loving someone who can’t give you what you need is awful. We carry all the weight of detaching. It’s hard to detach from someone you just want to love. I have caused myself great upset trying to get the people I love (my mum in my case) to just see a little bit my side but the lack of empathy and understanding of my world makes it impossible. I feel for people because the masking in the beginning and the effort creates so much love in us that we are then left with whilst they slowly retreat and change.