Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 15

[BustyLaRoux]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5245372-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-14?page=39&reply=143014416

@PashazadeI think I’m in a similar place to you, with both of us able to, and agreeing to accommodate. I still do have some real moments of challenge, the recent revelations that I think DH and one of the kids have a drive for autonomy (maybe not ‘pathological’ but definitely very difficult at times). But DH carries on at therapy and does his best, and I’m proud of him seeking self understanding despite hating the process a bit.

@NoviceVillager and @Pashazade it's lovely to hear that things are going in the right directions. When both parties are willing to work( but also able to, I'll elaborate on this) on improving the relationship, and to understand how ND/MT dynamics affects it, it sounds possible to change a situation for the better. Whether this means willingness to get a diagnosis, therapy or reading for further understanding. As the author of the book about ADHD and the effect on marriage puts it 'try differently, not harder' or something along those lines.

For some ND people though, I'm not sure that change is possible, due to them genuinely not recognising, or acknowledging, how their behaviour has a negative effect on their parter/spouse. For which there could be many reasons. I think H falls into this category, plus there is too much damage done already.

Completely agree with you there, Itreallydoesntmatteranymore 💐

Is it an ASD “issue” alone to simply only view life through yourself and are unable to see life through another’s experience? I struggle to fully understand how this comes to be. Do they fully believe that life revolves around them, with them in the centre and the rest of us going into their lives but they never enter your life? Outside of them and how they experience things there is just very little. I don’t mean to be rude but I have young kids and this is how they are. They have no idea of life outside of them and what they need.

@Peppasparty I would say my ex would be like that. Genuinely doesn’t get why people make decisions that he wouldn’t make etc. Genuinely doesn’t seem to realise that people aren’t psychic and communication is vital. He reminds me of my toddlers sometimes to be honest. Small children have a very egocentric view of the world. However, my autistic teen isn’t like this. From a young age with my teen I explained to him why people said something or acted when DS didn’t understand. It’s also probably just that his autism is different to his fathers.

DH is often pretty black and white about stuff, and quite judgemental of people who don't do things the same way as him. He often judges other people's parenting skills. This weekend I arranged to go into London with DC . They are teens, it's not a chore to take them out, I enjoy their company, its not demanding. For DH, the BH weekend is for doing his own hobbies, so he didn't come. DC asked if he wanted to play a card game in the evening. He said yes but continued to watch his own choice of programme on TV. He literally didn't want to give up about 20 minutes.

I did a 10k race last weekend, and put down DDs name and number as an emergency contact.I always feel it's pointless putting DHs info. He'll be in the garden/won't have his phone/it won't be charged/he didn't hear it etc etc. When I said this to him, he said, defensively, well what can I do, X miles away....? Rather than he might want to be informed if I had had a medical incident! (Because he has never seen a reaction he also disbelieves the 2 medical allergies I have)

When DS was on a school trip abroad (out of sight, out of mind for DH) he couldn't grasp that that it was useful to have his phone charged/with him as he was an emergency contact. "Well what can I do X thousand miles away" . FML if either child had an emergency, like i imagine most parents, I'd want to know straight away and be figuring out a way to get to them

I suppose they live by what they need so if they don’t need human interaction to feel better then they don’t offer it to others, If birthdays and getting together isn’t what they need then they don’t do this for others. If they didn’t need support when they had young children because they don’t do human support they don’t offer this to others. They don’t seem to need others to get through life and they don’t offer support to help with others needs. My mum has just been to a local beauty spot, one we all love. She wouldn’t think to invite anyone. I on the other hand want to experience this place with people, to share the joy. She doesn’t seem to need any interactions or cuddles or love. But she would probably answer a call to help with a task if she thought the task was help worthy.

@Sweetandsaltycaroline i think thats terribly sad. My partner hasnt got his own children and i feel very sad that he doesnt seem to be that interested in mine. In person its fine but when we are apart, he doesnt seem to have any interest in them. I appreciate many can be like this when not the biological parent but i do think autism has something to do with it. I do wonder how he would have been had he had his own biological children. However from what you say, and other postings here, it seems like its more common.

They are rigid and inflexible in whatever beliefs they have programmed @Petra42 .In my experience they can’t adapt to the needs of the person in front of them. My brother is rigid and had adapted to my mums beliefs so he fairs better. Me I am on my own. A relationship with your kids is not needed probably. I in the other hand hold dear my relationships. When we are long gone this is all that is left behind. I need relationships and the two and fro of love and care etc.

I am now unsettled when a man makes eye contact with me and refers to something I said earlier.

I forget that’s what normal is.

What do you do when a person does something that upsets you but they do it because they have autism? What do you do with the feeling? So you know it’s not deliberate but it’s not considered and the consequence is that it’s caused some hurt in you. Is it easier to say to yourself that the autism is at fault.

It must be hard being someone who constantly hurts those around them and never knowing it or never being able to own it. I make many allowances but not ever being considered is difficult. Telling them they hurt you is pointless. What do you do with that little bit of hurt? Can you stop it from turning into hate for the person. Can you love someone who can’t consider you?

Why do you need to do anything with the feeling, other than feel it? Sometimes bad things happen and nobody is to blame. Whether or not you can love someone who unknowingly hurts you is for you to decide.

Why would you stay in a relationship with anyone who caused you upset, regardless of whether they have autism or not?

I don’t think it’s that simple tbh. I can easily brush off someone hurting or offending me the first time. However, a pattern of behaviour I wouldn’t be able to dismiss so easy. I don’t think that I am alone with that.

You don't need to dismiss it though, do you? You can choose to stay with someone (or not) regardless of whether they have autism, surely?

@Crunchingleaf I am sure you're right that it's not simple. I don't think there are any simple solutions. I am not suggesting you should brush off hurtful behaviour, but if the person who is (repeatedly) upsetting you is not doing so intentionally, or able to behave differently, there's little point confronting them. I suppose you either waste your energy trying to get them to understand, or feel your feelings of hurt, anger, frustration, but not express them, or have a good moan to a third party to get it off your chest, while accepting that's how they are and they won't change. Whether or not you want to try and maintain the relationship will be a personal choice with loads of potential factors influencing it.

Except were told again and again that, as NT, we need to be understanding, accomodating, learn to see that they don’t mean things the same way an NT person would p, interpret their actions the ‘right’ way etc….

Basically if you end up saying ‘enough is enough. I want a divorce because your (autistic) behaviours are hurting me’ you’re the bad guy for doing so.

I felt like that for years, carrying the responsibility of feeling hurt ‘because he didn’t mean it’. Despite said behaviours were, with good reasons, very hurtful to me.

In my case it’s my mum so it’s very different really. But how can you have a loving safe relationship with someone who can’t do the things that make it safe and loving. It’s been causing me difficulties in my life. My mum never taught me how to deal with my feelings, only to pretend that I had none like her, or perhaps she has them but doesn’t realise. She’d just say hide it away and carry on with a smile on your face. I’ve actually been really quite angry with her for a long time and not realised. Pretending I have no feelings and carrying on has caused me stress. I don’t think for a minute it was ever to intentionally cause me harm but she thought I was like her and I wasn’t. I don't know how accommodating I can be.

Im struggling with similar feelings with my own parents. Except they aren’t ND. Theyre emotionally immature and struggling with (generational?) trauma.

eg (big) feelings weren’t allowed because my mum didn't know how to deal with them herself.

I feel my initial comment still apply there.
The push to be understanding is very clear (she didn’t know better. Still doesn’t. Can’t do anything different because that’s how her brain is wired).
But as other posters said, it’s ok to also protect yourself and put boundaries in place. I’d go down the route of having counselling too (that’s the only way I finally managed to deal with my own parents, other than going LC/NC) and maybe EMRD depending how deep the hurt/trauma is.

It’s rubbish because I want a mum and a relationship but can’t with the one I have. It’s hard to stop the wanting. I have the images in my head of the relationship I’d like and how it would look and feel. I know they can’t give this and it’s nothing to do with me but still can’t stop really wanting it.

I dint think you ever stop wanting to be seen and cared. It’s normal and healthy to want to be seen and loved by your own mum.

It’s a huge grief to not be able to do so. A big hole in my/your(?) heart.

As you say, it won’t change as such.
Grieving for it is hard because you’re grieving for something that didn’t happen rather than something that happened.
I suppose that’s why it’s only through counselling I’m (slowly!!) getting round.

Hi - was hoping for some advice here and im not sure its autism related or just general incompatibility. I've been seeing someone with AuASD and was very invested in it and its been great. He's hard work at times and i've noticed it more and more but im very emphathetic so just got on with things. He has no kids but i do. However he has begun to really struggle with not seeing me enough as for ages, i was his world. It's almost like he has tunnel vision with this and cant see the bigger picture. Iits almost like a childish resentment that i cant give him more time. I know it's the end and have noted lots of the points people have flagged in the thread as i do think autism plays a part here. I guess i feel really sad and want to understand why he cant see things as i do.

I get the impression from this thread that these relationships develop into very codependent relationships. It sounds like this is the direction he is trying to go down. I know a few relationships where they are literally each others world and there is no life outside of the relationship. It’s works for them but it would suffocate others. I don’t thinks it’s healthy and it’s better to remain 2 people then to blur into a single entity. I think a lot of traumatised people get drawn into these relationships because they have very large needs.

@Petra42 i can see the sadness in your post.

I think that for things to work out, each partner needs have to be met. And you have the needs of your dcs to consider too.
If you’ve explained to him that’s the most you can give him and it’s not enough for him, then it means you aren’t compatible. It doesn’t matter of those needs come from ND or anything else. They just don’t match and pushing to make them fit is likely to end up in disaster.

Its sad and I get why you’d wish it was different. 😢

@SpecialMangeTout3 @Peppasparty Thank you both, I feel really despondent because on one hand I think you're right @SpecialMangeTout3 , that if needs aren't met, then better to cut one's
losses and there must be better for him. However he wanted someone full time there but also who would be ok working round his limitations/hobbies whereas I'm a working parent. But it felt like whatever I did, was never enough for him. Its left me so very sad.