Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 15

[BustyLaRoux]

New thread.
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This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.
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It's complicated and it's emotional.
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The old thread is here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5245372-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasdnd-support-thread-14?page=39&reply=143014416

Please remember it was not you who wasn’t enough fur him! It’s not a sign that you’re somehow ‘not good enough’.

Its just humans being humans and sometimes not compatible.
There isn’t a your fault/his fault there.
No one to blame. No one who isn’t good enough/not trying hard enough.
Just lack of luck.

@SpecialMangeTout3 thank you, we have been together almost 2 years but there just isn't that compromise specifically about the children/time. He's happiest when I'm with him full time. But even then it's hard due to his quirks.

I remember a poster here saying her husband couldnt understand why she wanted to spend time with her kids even though he was the dad. Its similar with my partner and hes not their dad. He doesn't understand children.

Im only posting here because I can see the autism thing has been a thing for us throughout and ive been really understanding. I genuinely cant see how anyone would be as understanding. I feel such an idiot and im struggling to even get up. Logically it's the right thing but we have been deeply in love and its so difficult to see how life looks without this.

@Petra42 He's happiest when I'm with him full time. But even then it's hard due to his quirks.

Your happiness is as important

I feel when we try and ignore incompatibility because we love parts of them but others made us upset or frustrated then resentment slowly builds. It’s how I feel about my mum. There are parts which are great if I split her into parts but as a whole I’m disappointed as her as a mum. The fact is I’m the one trying to love her as a person of parts and clinging onto the hope that it’s enough. She isn’t the one who’s clinging on, she happy with herself. It makes me feel resentful because she isn’t sad at all. I think if there is one person in the relationship who isn’t happy then the relationship is pretty doomed as it’s spreads. So whilst it maybe be bearable now in years to come the disappointment and the resentment towards them grows and then you start to get annoyed with yourself and kick yourself.

Do you think traits become more marked over time?

the only thing we did together consistently was watch tv. He now can’t unless we sit in the dark, don’t touch and I don’t move or say anything.

he denies this is new and unpleasant for me.

I need to leave him. This is not a relationship.

Yes! My husband’s traits have become much more marked over the almost 20 years we’ve been married, and that happened almost immediately after we married. I assume he felt less need to mask once we were married.
its become increasingly more apparent since he retired from work 7 years ago. He’s almost 69, doesn’t bother masking at all now. He’s embarrassing to be out with, dresses like a tramp, we have separate bedrooms and bathrooms because I can’t bear to share with him. We don’t go away together for that reason. As someone said much earlier, I’m living his life as he wants it, his routines and rituals. I do go away with friends and have a life away from him, that I need for my sanity.
if you’re able to, then leave. I’m too old now.

@Seriestwo
and yes, “we” watch exactly the same tv programmes every single night. I now listen to the radio with EarPods and crochet/ read

I've been with DH 23 years, I've noticed that by stealth lots of the things he had to do for himself before we were together are now down to me. And the mental.load associated with children is 99% mine. I honestly feel he thinks about, pays more attention to, and puts in an enormous effort, to plants/vegetables he's growing (researching what they need, drawing up plans, creating charts, checking the forecast, never forgetting to water, turn on a heater etc) than our own children despite him being the one desperate for children when we got together
Even though now they are teens, it's relatively easy and enjoyable to spend time with them, I feel DH is waiting for them to be interested in his hobbies and interests rather than try to take an interest in theirs.

Thanks both. Very familiar

in lots of ways I have a comfortable life. I might have a long haul work opportunity later in the year, which would be fantastic - he won’t mind me being out of the country for a month and many men would.

butnit would be nice to be seen, held, share a joke.

I dunno, I’m trying to fix my finances, if I can do that then maybe I’ll change things. It’s just wearing living with someone who says he’s happy but hates being in the same room as me!

DH only has a relationship with the dcs because I found a hobby they would all be keen on. It became dh special interest for a while and the dcs tagged along.
They were also taken to many outings along dh keen interest in the Industrial Revolution …..

Otherwise, it would have been a disaster tbh.

My mum is similar with plants. She is super organised with them, amazingly so, I can’t grow anything. She’s sees all their individual needs, what keeps which pest away, what to grow next to what etc etc. But people, she lumps them altogether. Can’t see anyone’s individual needs or accomplishments individual achievements. People should all act the same way, like the same things. I don’t get it, why do the plants need different things but not people?

@Peppasparty plants don’t need anything in return, it’s all on her terms. Humans demand too much, often just by being there, I think people who struggle with connections (ND and otherwise) find normal human interaction too complicated and erratic and so withdraw and don’t engage as then they don’t get overwhelmed. Plants are simple in that they just sit there. But knowing the why doesn’t make it any easier when the majority of us need a connection with those we grow up with / spend our time with.

Yikes @SpecialMangeTout3I’m feeling lucky DH special interests are around art and music!

‘Humans demand too much often just by being there’ - I think this is the saddest part of the process of realisation that I’ve been going through with DH and my youngest kid. That it’s a negative to have people around - I simply hadn’t considered it.

No it doesn’t make it any easier. You just want to be loved for who you are regardless of whether you like the same things etc. Growing up into a different person and not being the same as my mum and bro has pushed me out. They don’t know how to love me. I was in a conversation with them the other day. They were saying how you need to teach your children the importance of practically over fun and friends and laughs. I disagreed, what is life without fun and friends and laughing. They see me as stupid and emotional but I am not I just want life to be less rigid. My wish for my children is to be happy in their skin whatever they grow into.

@Peppasparty, whilst it is terribly sad to read that you really can’t have a relationship that flows both ways with your mother and brother it is amazing to hear that you have pushed back against that and are doing your best to give your children what they need. You are in the right, there is little point to it all if you don’t have laughter and friends and if you’re lucky family (I put it that way round as I’m an only, so family is an acquired group of people for me more than siblings). You are absolutely not stupid and emotional, you’re as human as they are but in a different way and it is very much their loss.

I think this is true, but I also think that deep down every single person yearns to be loved and to love, NT or ND.

Suspect it's contradictory needs.

I'm also pretty certain that if some (not all) of the more difficult spouses on here had been seen and helped when they were children / teens, then they would have had the tools to navigate a relationship more successfully.

Absolutely true

My DH doesn’t need people. H has no friends at all and never has.

so why the hell did he marry me?

dh told me before that yes he was going walking etc… on his own (I thought that was pretty badass then) but that’s because he had no other choice but to get used to it.

I think there is a need for connexion, whether it’s friendship or a partner. But it has to be on his terms. Which isn’t crazy as he needs to meet his own needs. It’s just that the ‘parallel play’, discussing intense special interest, etc etc… basically never fits an NT framework (or not wo major changes and adaption from their part). All the friends dh has are ‘misfit’, aka undiagnosed ND imo. It works for them, which I’m very happy with tbh.

In some ways, my heart breaks for him because this isn’t easy. And I’m a bit fearful of what’s going to happen with dc2 too.

@BustyLaRoux how are things going your way?
Are you still nicely settling down in your own house?

Hi @SpecialMangeTout3 all good here!! DP has been round this weekend. Things are much easier with this new arrangement. If he’s in one of his moods then I don’t have to put up with it. 😃

My friend met him last night. She’s heard lots about him and didn’t have a great opinion I guess. I think she wondered why I was still with him. But she met him and said now she understands. He’s quite agreeable and outgoing a lot of the time, so different to a lot of the partners on here in that he likes being around people and is gregarious. He does have a tendency to talk over people all the time and try and show off. But you might not notice that the first couple of times you meet him. I think she was charmed by him anyway.

Life is good! The house is nearly all unpacked. I’ve a couple more bits to do but it’s lovely here. The sun is shining. The kids are happy. DP’s DD comes over most weekends. Money will be tight but DP is nothing if not generous. I feel like I can breathe and relax. I don’t feel trapped. I am not gritting my teeth because of his ever present DS taking over the house and being given preferential treatment. I feel great!!

I wish all of you who need your own pink kettle to find the means to do what seems insurmountable. I won’t lie. It was hard. But it was absolutely the right thing to do.

That’s such a nice update @BustyLaRoux
I love good ending stories 😍😍

I'm so, so pleased you're out @BustyLaRoux

I hope you settle in well.

Ex-H is on holiday with the kids. The youngest rang and said he'd found rowing difficult and a bit scary. His father overrode him harshly saying repeatedly that youngest had enjoyed it, he wasn't scared and that it was all fine.

Fucks sake.