I started a thread in August last year about how my exh husband had shocked us all by trying to manipulate our daughter into not allowing me to take her up to university.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5141016-i-have-no-one-in-real-life-to-talk-about-this-with-please-help-me-to-feel-better-about-it?page=1
This week he has excelled himself.
Last month, he turned 50 and spent 2 weeks on holiday on the other side of the world. He wasn't at home for his birthday. Both children messaged him on the day wishing him a happy birthday and they hoped he was enjoying his holiday and they'd see him when he returned.
Our daughter is at university 200 miles away from home - in the end, he completely refused to travel up to move her up there claiming that he was ill 🙄 As I said in the previous thread, we split up when the children were young and have always co-parented amicably and had often patted ourselves on the back about having done a good job. We've never argued, never fallen out and things have always gone well.
Anyway, the problem this time was that the children hadn't sent him birthday cards and neither had anyone else in his family. I can only assume that this is because he was on the other side of the world on holiday because his family are very big on card giving. Both children had bought him cards/presents but were waiting to see him in person to give them.
Anyway, he sent them both very lengthy and angry diatribes this week about how sad and angry he was, how it was clear nobody loved him about how they had all neglected his 'special day', how he didn't want cards or gifts from them ever again and how they had set the tone now for the future of their relationship with him and he would respond in kind in future.
They both replied saying they were sorry he felt that way, both had cards and gifts but felt it was more meaningful to see him and give them in person. My daughter, in particular, also explained that she was really ill (she was and missed 2 weeks of uni and sporting practices and barely got out of bed) and had essays to still do. He basically said it was a poor show if she couldn't make the effort for his 'special day' and he meant what he said about never wanting cards from them again and that they had set the tone for the future of their relationship.
They are furious. The eldest sees their relationship as done and the youngest (daughter) has sent me screenshots of their various conversations over the years where he has been manipulative and down right cruel to her.
He kept bleating on about 'his truth' and how he has the right to tell people how they have made him feel.
He even sent our daughter an example of the text message he'd expected to receive from her (hers wasn't fawning enough apparently) along the lines of how sad she was at not being able to share his special day with him she missed him and wished she could have been with him on his 'special.day'. Her response to me was, "If I'd sent him something like that, he'd have had a go at me for making him feel guilty on his special day and wasn't he even able to go on holiday to celebrate his special day when I would have been 200 miles away on the day and wouldn't have seen him anyway.' And she's right. That's exactly what he'd have done because that's exactly what he does.
His messages are full of who always tells you that they love you more than anyone else does? Who took you to gymnastics every week and never let you down? And a lot of other things that she described as "just being a parent" although she mocked the "who always tell you they love you.." part saying that actions speak louder than words.
The reality is that he did take her to gymnastics once a week and I took her twice. He never attended a competition, never attended a dance show, never came to parents evening. He lets her down and prioritises himself constantly. He won't do anything for either of them unless it can get public recognition on SM.
The reality is also that he eventually refused to pick her up from work on his allocated nights (I did the others) and told her that if she got ubers, he'd pay her back. Only when this had gone on for a year and a half he told her the £800 that had accrued was too much and he wasn't going to pay. I had no idea of that and, as soon as I realised, my partner or I picked her up on 'his' nights instead.
The reality is that we split up when she was 6 and she never had a bedroom in his 3 bedroomed house because he wanted a cinema room. She had to sleep on a sofa bed that he didn't bother to unfold (so a sofa) in his spare room/office.
He even challenged her to think about whether there is anyone in her life who frequently let's her down and breaks their promises to her or showers her with empty words. She just laughed at that because her response to me was, "Yes, there is. It's him!"
Eg last weekend, she had a sporting competition in our home city. I went, my son went and my partner went. Her dad? Well, he texted her in the morning telling her he was 'ill', which is always his reason for letting her down. He believes she will forgive him and feel sympathetic towards him. In reality, she said it's too obvious a pattern. He makes great promises to her and then lets her down at the last minute because he's ill. But he's kicked off about a birthday card and a less than fawning text message.
He has no idea how much damage he is causing/has caused to his relationships with them. I think he is trying to create a FOG cycle with them but they have seen through this and are just furious with him. And upset.
I don't think I want advice as such, more somewhere to rant!
But fucking hell. I suppose I can understand him being disappointed he didn't have a pile.of cards to return to but his response to it was unbelievable.