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Relationships

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Original poster

Dating at 40, finances and how to protect myself, my assets, my son??

106 replies

EasterBonne · 20/03/2025 12:48

I'm a single parent to one boy (16) my husband passed away, he was always the stay at home parent while i worked and paid everything off.

i am lucky in that respect as i have a good career and i have literally just paid the mortgage off (its been hard work since i was 18 and many sacrifices, but im now financially secure and stable), but i am starting to date again and there's a guy which i could see a future with but I'm hesitant because financially he brings nothing to the relationship, i know that shouldn't bother me, but equally its me and my sons house and there's no way hes getting half through some co-habitation bs law, so how do i protect myself from this?

not that i see us splitting up, but i don't want to be stupid and risk everything with this guy, especially when financially hes risking nothing, i mean i like him but i don't want to risk my home or my pension on him.

like how do older people navigate this stuff? what realistic options do i have or should i just not let him move in?

confused...

OP posts:

Bananalanacake · 20/03/2025 12:51

Easy, enjoy a relationship but don't let him move in, there's no law that says you have to live with a partner.

Hemlocked · 20/03/2025 12:52

Look up "Living apart together'". It's a whole thing.

FortyElephants · 20/03/2025 12:52

There is no cohabitation law. Just don't marry him (or anyone unless they bring the same assets as you have)

Overthemoun · 20/03/2025 12:52

I don’t have anything wise to add re the legal side of protecting your assets, I’d ask a solicitor but I think you are absolutely right to be protecting what’s yours - you have worked hard for it. I think it’s right to bother you.

DenholmElliot11 · 20/03/2025 12:53

just don't live with him. Never understood the mumsnet obsession with it really.

Either date or marry your financial equal.

Rollofrockandsand · 20/03/2025 12:54

Don’t get married for a start. Dont put anything in his name even a bill. He can pay you rent but he can’t buy anything that can’t be moved out the house. Buying a TV or a sofa is fine. Paying for home improvements not fine

Buttonknot · 20/03/2025 12:55

Saying "I know it shouldn't bother me" isn't right OP - it's completely reasonable that you should be thinking about this and wanting to protect your son, and you shouldn't feel that you need to apologise for that.

I think the main thing is not to marry him, and see a solicitor if he moves in, to talk about ringfencing your assets.

RunningScaredStiff · 20/03/2025 13:01

Talk to a solicitor.

I actually know a woman in her 60’s who married a widow. He died on their wedding night and his young son got nothing. Don’t do this to your child.

You could live together with you owning the house and stating clearly in a will that it’s your sons and he has a year to move out. This is still tricky though. Its a tough one.

The best option is he stays in his house, you stay in yours, or you both rent together.

RaininSummer · 20/03/2025 13:12

Just dont marry. Also dont let him pay to fix or improve the house. And hope that that idiots dont change the law so we dont get that choice effectively.

frozendaisy · 20/03/2025 13:19

Just don’t live together
If you are going to have an amazing relationship tell him exactly why as well. Nicely obviously

then you get the best of all words good relationship with none of his domestic or admin duties and a door which is just yours always and your son has the space and security as well

Hollyhedge · 20/03/2025 13:22

Well done for getting out there! You take it slow and if/ when you get to the point of moving in you get legal advice and protect everything/ leave it all to your son. That is what I would do…

LordGaGaisasahd · 20/03/2025 13:22

What is his living situation at the moment?

How do you know he has nothing?

Original poster

EasterBonne · 20/03/2025 13:24

DenholmElliot11 · 20/03/2025 12:53

just don't live with him. Never understood the mumsnet obsession with it really.

Either date or marry your financial equal.

ill be single until i die, who at 40 is single and mortgage paid? my financial equal isnt going to be someone i could love.

living together is just convenient, but like others have said perhaps renting together and renting my house out is the more sensible option as its an isolated asset then.

OP posts:

ForRealCat · 20/03/2025 13:27

Why doesn't he have anything? Presumably he's in his 40s as well. The only reason I ask is that may give you an indication if you have competing priorities later which mean that this relationship is always doomed to be in the dating stages and never progress.

You can protect yourself, speak to a solicitor, don't allow him to pay towards mortgage or for material improvements, and don't get married. But will you find it difficult if he can't go out for dinner because he can't afford to keep up with you- or conversely would it frustrate you if he is always jetting off on holidays and pissing money up the wall whilst you try to be financially prudent.

You should always be aware of protecting yourself- so well done there, but also know why they are in the situation they are in.

Don't also underestimate how attractive men find a woman with a house.

DenholmElliot11 · 20/03/2025 13:28

EasterBonne · 20/03/2025 13:24

ill be single until i die, who at 40 is single and mortgage paid? my financial equal isnt going to be someone i could love.

living together is just convenient, but like others have said perhaps renting together and renting my house out is the more sensible option as its an isolated asset then.

Show quote history

Living together is convenient for him thats for sure.

What are his retirement plans?

Original poster

EasterBonne · 20/03/2025 13:28

LordGaGaisasahd · 20/03/2025 13:22

What is his living situation at the moment?

How do you know he has nothing?

he rents with a few friends, just got talking and now dating, i dont find peoples financial worth attractive.

but the reality is i could be exposed financially here and just seeing what options i have.

OP posts:

mindutopia · 20/03/2025 13:29

At this stage in life, I wouldn’t be looking to live together or marry. If once your son has launched into the world, you want to live together, I’d speak to a solicitor then. I do not believe in the UK it would be very easy for an unmarried partner to make a claim on a property that was paid off before they even came on the scene later in life.

That said, MIL married in her 60s and her will is set up to ring fence her mortgage free home. Her partner is permitted to live there until he dies if she dies first (which is unlikely), but the property goes to Dh and BIL. It’s a common set up.

Ophy83 · 20/03/2025 13:30

Don't marry him. If you decide to move him in, ask a solicitor to draw up a cohabitation agreement.

Doggymummar · 20/03/2025 13:31

You can see a solicitor and draw up a prenup, or a post nup, my friend owns a law firm and they do lots of these. No need to not live together, or marry if that's what you want to do. I was glad I had one when I divorced a decade ago.

SiobhanSharpe · 20/03/2025 13:31

Don't have a civil partnership either, it gives people the same protections as marriage, I believe.
If you do marry etc then you make a new will setting out your wishes for your estate. A solicitor would advise on how to make it as watertight as possible, but your new spouse would have certain rights.

FortyElephants · 20/03/2025 13:31

EasterBonne · 20/03/2025 13:24

ill be single until i die, who at 40 is single and mortgage paid? my financial equal isnt going to be someone i could love.

living together is just convenient, but like others have said perhaps renting together and renting my house out is the more sensible option as its an isolated asset then.

Show quote history

You can let him live in your house for 40 years if you want, he still won't have rights to it. Just don't marry him.

Mulledjuice · 20/03/2025 13:32

who at 40 is single and mortgage paid? my financial equal isnt going to be someone i could love.

How do you know that?

What about 40, single, and with a mortgage but higher salary, or mortgage but equivalent equity?

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/03/2025 13:34

EasterBonne · 20/03/2025 13:28

he rents with a few friends, just got talking and now dating, i dont find peoples financial worth attractive.

but the reality is i could be exposed financially here and just seeing what options i have.

Show quote history

I’d be worried he’s hobosexual. If he’s sharing at his age, nowt as attractive as a woman with a lovey house. Definitely don’t marrry, think twice about moving in. You see it as convenient, but is it really? I see it is for him, but for you?

Waterlilysunset · 20/03/2025 13:35

Don’t worry whatever you do.

think the renting together thing could work

NoctuaAthene · 20/03/2025 13:35

Chill, you're only thinking of going on a date, no need to be fast forwarding 40 years to your death bed, who knows what will happen between then and now? Also why couldn't you love someone your financial equal?

Anyway there is no such BS co-habitation law, as many women on here find out to their cost when their long-term partner leaves them. As others have said given you've got a young son living at home I'd take things slow with any potential new partner, absolutely fine to have fun and date but I'd be slow to introduce to you son and move him in, given he's 16 you could probably easily wait until he's at uni or left home before needing to live with a partner. As and when you do decide to live together don't worry about him having a claim on the house so long as you don't put him on the deeds or let him contribute in any major way. It's obviously up to you regarding how you split finances otherwise, personally I am not an advocate for couples always having to have totally shared finances so long as there isn't any financial abuse. If you decide to re-marry that is slightly different as that comes with a certain moral and legal responsibility to share assets so I would have thought in that instance as a minimum you'd be giving your husband the right to reside in your property until his death (you can arrange things so that it then passes to your son) and to split it if you divorced (and personally I don't think your son would have the right to complain about that) but like others have said, if he is your no 1 priority and it isn't worth it to you to risk your house then just don't marry?

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