Dating at 40, finances and how to protect myself, my assets, my son??

[EasterBonne]

I'm a single parent to one boy (16) my husband passed away, he was always the stay at home parent while i worked and paid everything off.

i am lucky in that respect as i have a good career and i have literally just paid the mortgage off (its been hard work since i was 18 and many sacrifices, but im now financially secure and stable), but i am starting to date again and there's a guy which i could see a future with but I'm hesitant because financially he brings nothing to the relationship, i know that shouldn't bother me, but equally its me and my sons house and there's no way hes getting half through some co-habitation bs law, so how do i protect myself from this?

not that i see us splitting up, but i don't want to be stupid and risk everything with this guy, especially when financially hes risking nothing, i mean i like him but i don't want to risk my home or my pension on him.

like how do older people navigate this stuff? what realistic options do i have or should i just not let him move in?

confused...

He doesn't need bailing out he's living within his means. Personally I wouldn't have him move in, I don't plan to live with anyone again, but I don't think him having a different lifestyle to OP means he needs or wants her to bail him out.

I don't know what the situation is with his house, probably it means there wasn't much equity and he gave her what there is. Or maybe it all lies, believe me rich men lie too.

I actually have a friend (really just a friend nd inknow both sides of the story) who's going through that now. He's trying to do the decent thing and make sure his wife has somewhere to live, but that will mean he walks away with nothing because there's not much to split. His view is that he's better able to start over than his wife is. Just because OP's DP has little now doesn't mean it stays that way forever.

Like OP I made my money working with all these A type men, with big incomes and egos to match. None of them can keep it in their pants and most of them think the women they "support" are beholden to them. Some are better than others at saying the right things to "their" women, but it's there, underlying everything. I don't want to be part of that.

I'm financially secure and intend to stay that way and protect my assets for DC, but being with a man who is good to me is worth a lot. There are thousands of women who don't bring anything financially to the table in their relationships, no one thinks their men should run.

Your equal is someone who makes you feel loved and supported both emotionally, physically and financially.

People on here are saying to be careful because it appears he has nothing and there's therefore a chance if he moves in he'll be expecting you to fund him. They are speaking from experience, sadly.

That may not be the case with him. Everyone hopes not, if he's the one for you. No one wants you to be taken advantage of or alone. They're just giving you the benefit of their experience. For example, my uncle regularly meets women with money, charms them, tells them the sob story of how his wife left him and took everything he had. He leaves out that she left him cos he punched her in the face. Or that he had no money in the first place for her to take. Everything "they" had was hers when they met. That's a bad experience.

Now for a good one. When I met DH he'd just been made redundant for the second time in 6 months and had therefore built up some credit card debt. He was living at his parents because of this. Friends told me to look for someone better off financially. I also had nothing, was still at uni, living with my parents and working part time for petrol & textbook money. Had t had chance to build any assets. But I could see he was a good bloke. Stuck with him. When we moved in together we rented. I saved for our house deposit while he got rid of his debt. 18 years later we're happy and comfortable. We're equals. I was happy to no ring fence the deposit I'd saved because I could only do that with him paying his share of bills. He could only pay off his debt, that I knew weren't by choice, with me paying mine. We worked as a team.

If I'd listened to my friends as far as DH was concerned I'd have missed out. But if he was a man like my uncle, I'd be slogging away trying to pay for everything while he let me. Make sure he's the good bloke and not the bad one before you decide who to listen to about the relationship. Then get proper financial/legal advice.

Sounds like this guy cannot even have his kids over if he is in a house share. He really is in a mess.

I too don't believe his line about giving his ex the house. My friend fell for a line like that and the house her now DH claims he lost wasn't his in the first place.

I just couldn't with a man house sharing in his 40s. You need someone with some financial stability and financial future.

well a little more information to add i guess, and i suppose its proof you should never judge a book by its cover.

he did indeed give the house to his ex, because he owns the property he lives in and rents a room out to a friend who is actually his cousin ( house was pre marriage with more equity and value so his ex agreed not to go after it if he just gave her the marital home as part of the divorce, which was less than a 50/50 split but didn't involve expensive solicitors so considered a win/win for both)

i feel shitty for digging a little deeper, more because i probably came across quite shallow asking such questions even if i did it politely and it was a proper mood killer, but also glad i didn't listen to some of the jaded thoughts on here.

if you cant start a relationship with trust whats the point?

Simple, get a legal doc drawn up like a prenup which states what everyone is entitled to.

I am not rich, but in a good place. If I wanted to move in with someone I would. Ideally we would be equal, buy a house together with say both putting in 250k each or something. Then you can split it if you split or die. If say they had nothing, then I would ensure that if anything happens, all is mine/my kids. Sure that can be done.

If I was to move in with someone richer than me I would expect the same as their kids should not lose out