Dating at 40, finances and how to protect myself, my assets, my son??

[EasterBonne]

I'm a single parent to one boy (16) my husband passed away, he was always the stay at home parent while i worked and paid everything off.

i am lucky in that respect as i have a good career and i have literally just paid the mortgage off (its been hard work since i was 18 and many sacrifices, but im now financially secure and stable), but i am starting to date again and there's a guy which i could see a future with but I'm hesitant because financially he brings nothing to the relationship, i know that shouldn't bother me, but equally its me and my sons house and there's no way hes getting half through some co-habitation bs law, so how do i protect myself from this?

not that i see us splitting up, but i don't want to be stupid and risk everything with this guy, especially when financially hes risking nothing, i mean i like him but i don't want to risk my home or my pension on him.

like how do older people navigate this stuff? what realistic options do i have or should i just not let him move in?

confused...

You'd be surprised.

I've just turned 40, own my own business and although not mortgage free, i have close to £400k equity in my house....

I agree that you shouldn't move in or marry, although i can't help but wonder how different the advice would be if it was a man asking in your situation.

You can get a cohabitation agreement drawn up by a solicitor, this will protect your assets. I got one with a previous partner and it was very clean when we split. He had no claim on any of my assets.

It would be very, very different advice, yes. Make sure he signs everything over to you before you move in, make sure he's paying all the bills, doing all the household stuff and still finding the time to keep those gym sessions up

'because there's nothing worse than a man letting himself go"

"Insert a know what your worth quote here"

Something like that

I’d say yes. This would give him 30-40 years to plan for that eventuality. He’d be living cheaply in a house with mortgage paid off by someone else. Why should her child lose out?

If your son lives with you (obviously!) and he lives with friends it must be/will be very hard to get alone time? I think I’d cut my losses and look for a man with his own house too!

Absolutely, that's my point, but if youv'e lived with, and presumably loved, someone for 30/40 years, who is now possibly old and frail, you might actually want to make sure they're OK after you die?

Maybe he should be looking for someone who doesn't live with her son, on that basis?

For God's sake don't get married, disaster. I won't go out with anyone who doesn't bring anything to the table. I made that mistake once, never again. You deserve someone who is your equal or more. There is a skint bloke on every street corner wanting to move in with someone like you.
You will stop respecting them after a while.

It’s a glorious thing.
If you can afford a good life, only date someone else who can also afford a good life!

The whole ‘moving in to save money ie double overheads’ save that for the 20-somethings, the grown ups can afford a house each easily enough 😂😂😂😂

Anyone that can’t afford this set up deserves to be tossed back into the dregs of the dating pool.

Get some legal advice, put the house in trust to your son. If the relationship is serious you can always put a caveat that your partner is entitled to live there until they die without your son losing the asset.

If he lived rent and mortgage free for 30 years I'd expect him to save enough to buy his own home!

Don’t marry him. Have a will leaving all assets to your son. There is no common law marriage. Let him pay rent, food and share of bills. But everything (bills) in your name. And he shouldn’t pay towards upkeep like new carpets or a new kitchen.

I'd hope he wouldn't live rent free! He doesn't get a claim on the house by paying rent

It would be incredibly unusual for one party on a divorce to get 100% of the house if that's the only asset. I know of quite a few men who say they gave the ex the house, but in fact she bought him out or there was no equity in the house because a lot of money had been borrowed against it.

I'm hesitant because financially he brings nothing to the relationship

Fucking RUN!!

I had one of these. Solo mum. It was all great, the romance, the fuck off finally! promises. Oh how he loved me.... and my son.

Reality is, he can't get his shit together, never will.

As a solo mum wanting the best for my child's future, this man much as I loved him could never get his shit together. Expected me to bail him out though. Always.

Don't need these losers. You don't want to teach your kids to live like this in life.

I think there's a difference between a man who can't match OP financially and one who needs "bailing out".

I'm in a relationship with a man who doesn't have much, but he pays his way when we're together and lives within his means. He doesn't cost me anything and he contributes to my life in lots of ways

Just don’t live with him, honestly I wouldn’t want to live with anyone else if my relationship broke down. It’s the easiest way to protect yourself. Plus you never have to try to get him out the house of the relationship broke down.

Rather than faff around making trusts just don't marry and don't move him in. Don't let him pay for ANYTHING on your house.

But really, keep looking.

How are you actually going to shag him though if he is in a flat share? It's not dignified at our age. So he comes to yours... and leaves some clothes and toothbrush and things and oh, he is working in your town this week, could he stay a few nights midweek... and oh, his landlord is terminating his lease and he has nowhere to go, do you mind if he moves in while he saves for a deposit... it's hard to find a rental though these days...

You can shag him at your gaff. Also during the odd mini-break. Enjoy, and don’t marry him otherwise he may fuck you in a way that won’t be beneficial to you and your child.

I wouldn’t want to introduce him to my 16 year old son or have sleepovers personally. Not until it was very established. And I’m sure her son wouldn’t want to hear them shagging 😂

Teenagers aren't usually into stepdads/boyfriends of their mum.

i dont understand how it would be different if i were a man, gender plays no role here other than stereotypes we build ourselves through our own insecurities.

i mean its very easy, you just need to put a bit of effort in

im glad im not the only one, reading some of the replies its not surprising why some people are alone and have probably never had a real loving relationship.

i didnt become financially independent by being a walkover and a bad judge of character, i've fought in the corporate world against many bigotted men, in fact those with money are often worse in my experience, many of my peers sleeping with their secretary's and in sham marriages, but on paper and face value, i can see why people fall for them, usually because of "what they bring to the table"

my equal is someone who will love me, not how much money or assets they bring to the table, even if they were a billionaire i couldnt care less and its not a consideration when dating, im happy enough having a homemade sandwich in a park with someone, in fact that takes way more effort than some fancy restaurant, its very hard to fake true intimacy.

He needs bailing out now, he lives in a house share and has nothing. If he wants a home of his own he needs someone else to provide it because he can't.

I never believe these stories of "I just gave my ex-wife the house".