Dating at 40, finances and how to protect myself, my assets, my son??

[EasterBonne]

I'm a single parent to one boy (16) my husband passed away, he was always the stay at home parent while i worked and paid everything off.

i am lucky in that respect as i have a good career and i have literally just paid the mortgage off (its been hard work since i was 18 and many sacrifices, but im now financially secure and stable), but i am starting to date again and there's a guy which i could see a future with but I'm hesitant because financially he brings nothing to the relationship, i know that shouldn't bother me, but equally its me and my sons house and there's no way hes getting half through some co-habitation bs law, so how do i protect myself from this?

not that i see us splitting up, but i don't want to be stupid and risk everything with this guy, especially when financially hes risking nothing, i mean i like him but i don't want to risk my home or my pension on him.

like how do older people navigate this stuff? what realistic options do i have or should i just not let him move in?

confused...

I'm in almost exactly the same situation.

The man is someone I'd have no interest in raising a family with, but suits me very well at this time of my life. He's kind to me and my adult DC and enhances my life in many ways.

There's no way on earth he'll be moving in, or that I'll marry him.

I think, actually, he wouldn't get any rights just by moving in, it's not marrying him that crucial.

I agree with the PP that it’s the house sharing student rule set up that would set alarm bells ringing rather than what his assets are.

Plenty of people rent after divorce but at 40+ surely he’d want his own space? And it makes dating more difficult as it’s always going to be in you home - that’s also your DS safe space.

It’s the house share rather than the renting I’d find tricky.

not dating long, i'd never move him in on whim, this is just me, im a planner and like to know what im doing in 5 years etc.

"I just don’t understand what you could gain from this type of relationship" the same i gained from my late husband, love, call me a romantic but i didnt marry my husband based on what financial input he bought to the relationship, i gained love, and my son had a wonderful father, that was it, nothing financial, he was useless on that side of things, had no pension or life insurance etc, but i didnt love him any less for it.

It's not about finding his finances attractive. It's about working out where he and his finances fit with yours.

If he has nothing at all and lives in a house share because he is living hand to mouth, if you move him in are you then in the position of paying for everything while he just gets to pay for nothing?

Or, does he have some money behind him and you could, if this gets serious, buy something joint, together, which you both ring fence your contributions to, backed up with wills protecting your individual children?

Or somewhere in between, and what would you be happy with long term.

No one is suggesting you behave like a gold digger, only going out with men with money. They're suggesting you make sure no one is trying to take advantage of you.

Honestly you are overthinking this.
go to a solicitor and have it in a will that all property, assets, pension and everything else is left to your child.
if you want to live with him eventually then do so, but make it clear that no matter how long you are together that everything you have will be left to your child.

My late DH was terrible with money and most of what I have is down to me, not what he left (despite what everyone assumes). I didn't marry him because he had money, he didn't, and we worked well together both bringing pretty much nothing into the realtionship and building things together. And what we had would go to our children.

It's different when you're financially established with children. New man doesn't have much, but he can pay his way when we're out and about. I don't mind paying more than my share if we go somewhere expensive once in a while, especially when it was my choice, just as MN would tell us a well off man should do for his date.

What I'm not going to do is handover all (or half) my assets to him at the expense of my children.

It's not just about death though.

And if OP died after living with him for 30/40 years is it reasonable that he loses his home?

See a lawyer about how to secure your assets for your son.

Living with someone, what if they do work on the house then later sue you (or, here they can put a lien on the property)? You have money costs and stress. That's just one example.

I'm a widow and I decided no way am I going to remarry or live with someone. I got financial and legal advice. My assets go to my kids.

I don't know the ages here but a guy nearing or middle aged and living in a house share with friends, I'd be thinking no man loves so hard as a man looking for a home to get comfy in. Watch out for love bombing or him trying to rush things

When you meet someone young, you only care about how they make you feel, if they are handsome and you have fun. As a young person you generally have nothing, and you don’t look at your partner as how much they’ll be worth.

When I met my DH, when he was 21, a student and broke, I paid for everything. I loved him for him.

32 years later my DH is a wealthy self made man and I live in a nice house and we have DC.

There’s no way I’d blow what he’s made, we’ve made, on some broke bloke, no matter how cute and fun he was.

Also, he’s told you his wife cheated, and he gave her the house. I’d like to hear her version.

I mean this with kindness OP. You are widowed, and I bet that’s a tough place to be. Don’t add to your load by taking on a fun man without a pot to piss in. You might live to regret it.

Have fun with him, but don’t let your heart override your common sense.

If you really really fancy this guy, can you put your house in Trust for your son? No one needs to know. I don't think the law allows people to go after partners' pension if the other party is of working age. You might need to see a solicitor

i probably am otherthinking it, its what i do, im not even saying he is the ONE, but its just going around in my head, i just read stories etc, but you're right ill speak to a solicitor and check a few things

this is more ensuring there could be a future for us if we did get serious and while i could still cut things off before i could get hurt

i'd never re-marry anyway, that is a hard rule i wont change so he'd have to accept that.

@Makebettermen you do know that it can be written into a will that the house couldn’t be sold while he was alive or some other caveat.

Fwiw, I've told "my" man that he absolutely will not be moving in and that as soon as DC fly the nest, I'll be downsizing to a place made for one, specifically to protect my assets for DC (and make my life easier).

It might be interesting to have that conversation, as it's true women with homes can be very attractive to some middle aged men.

Yes, I do but that still has an impact on OP's children, who would have their inheritance delayed and have to deal with the admin of it all.

All I'm saying is it's not as straightforward as simply saying leave everything to DC. By the time you've lived (almost) a lifetime with someone you might even find you want to leave them enough to have somewhere to live.

people here are saying Caveat Emptor to you. Buyer Beware.

Id be wary of the story his wife cheated & he ‘gave’ her the house. At best his wife owned half &he has children that need a home. At worst it’s a man feeding you information that may or may not be true. I’d be careful of anybody who reveals personal details when they don’t know you.

Also dating in your 40s is different than your 20s. Different life stages, children to consider. Retirement to think about.

Don’t consider moving him in until at least your son has left home. I’m in my 50s ive seen so many friends stung.

At your age, with your financial independence, and your son, there's no way I'd go out with a 40 year old juvenile, hobo.

Edit: typo.

Just don't live together. Keep it simple

I’m in a similar position in that I paid off my house just after my DP of four years moved in with me. Of course it’s perfectly understandable that you want to live with someone in the future. I had a meeting with a solicitor to discuss him moving in and made a will. It’s perfectly fine for someone to move in and pay rent but don’t let him do anything that he could argue gives him a beneficial interest in the house (repairs and upgrades). To add belt and braces you could do a cohabitation agreement. I have come to terms with the fact that it would be too risky for me to get married to him

He can move is as a ‘guest’, pay rent to you directly & contribute to bills but must not contribute directly to the mortgage or pay for any upgrades, improvements etc is my understanding. Don’t marry him!

Do not get married it will leave you exposed from a financial perspective and if you do decide to let him move in then have an agreement put in place with a solicitor.

I understand sometimes people have really bad luck or sickness or whatever rather than simply being feckless. But this chap of 40 who supposedly generously "gave" the house to his "cheating" spouse is now eyeing up your house and wanting to move in. I know it must have been a shock to be widowed so young and I applaud you for getting out there. I would point out though that men who are "chancers" are charming and amusing. It is their stock in trade. It is how they part women from their money and live an easy life. Maybe he is a wonderful man. I don't know though and neither do you. In my book trust has to be earned over time.

@monsterfishhe can pay half of everything forever but unless his name is on the mortgage he is entitled to nothing. Not a penny

That's not true. As PPs have said if he contributes to work on the house, he "earns" a stake.

My friend had this issue. In her case her exDP had paid the mortgage (in her name) which was considered equivalent to rent, and didn't give him a claim, but he'd also paid for the conservatory and kitchen which did.

There is in Scotland - 2 years cohabitation and you can have similar rights to marriage ‘common law marriage’
I know a Dr who got herself into a whole host of issues with some guy she met off Tinder for this reason

Get a cohabitation agreement signed before he moves in to protect your assets while you're alive in the event you split up and he tries to make a claim on the property. He probably couldn't claim anything anyway unless he pays for maintaining or updating the property, but it's good to have it in writing anyway on the off chance
Then also cover yourself with a will staying how long he would have to vacate the property in the event of your death and that all assets are to go to your son
I'm assuming you're in England, I think Scotland has some cohabitation rights that aren't relevant if you are in England