Dating at 40, finances and how to protect myself, my assets, my son??

[EasterBonne]

I'm a single parent to one boy (16) my husband passed away, he was always the stay at home parent while i worked and paid everything off.

i am lucky in that respect as i have a good career and i have literally just paid the mortgage off (its been hard work since i was 18 and many sacrifices, but im now financially secure and stable), but i am starting to date again and there's a guy which i could see a future with but I'm hesitant because financially he brings nothing to the relationship, i know that shouldn't bother me, but equally its me and my sons house and there's no way hes getting half through some co-habitation bs law, so how do i protect myself from this?

not that i see us splitting up, but i don't want to be stupid and risk everything with this guy, especially when financially hes risking nothing, i mean i like him but i don't want to risk my home or my pension on him.

like how do older people navigate this stuff? what realistic options do i have or should i just not let him move in?

confused...

i dont find peoples financial worth attractive.

You need to be able to separate seeing financial worth and understanding peoples financial goals and priorities. Realistically, very few people go out looking for a relationship with someone wealthy, but what they do look to understand is outlook on life.

What are his aspirations. Does he want to be living in a house-share at 70? Presumably if he is living in shared accommodation he then does have savings, is he working towards buying somewhere by himself? If he isn't ask yourself where you might fit into his life plan.

I would wait until your son goes to Uni as only as few years. Moving a man into "his" space might just be disruption through some critical years.

However do consider long-term how you might feel supporting a partner if they don't have financial stability. If you remained together for 20 years will you be ok to support him through retirement. Resentment is a relationship killer so consider how you might feel if you have to start contributing towards him. Go in with your eyes completely open, remove any rose tinted glasses and you will be more prepared.

Don’t even think about cohabiting fir several years - if ever.

And if you do decide to live together down the line, then rent out your home and rent together ensuring an equal split in finances.

Br very careful. There’s no one falls in love quicker than a man who needs a free roof over his head.

no i could, date my financial equal that is, but that's eliminating 90% of the dating pool if i had that as a rule.

i like the guy.

a) he doesnt know im mortage free, he doesnt know if i rent/own etc.
b) he's quite insistent of paying for everything or at least splitting it 50/50

i dont go around advertsing my worth to guys im dating, they dont need to know as it shouldnt be a consideration for a relationship, just like i dont judge others.

Exactly, there's a difference between not being particularly bothered either way as to the man's financial status and actively seeking out someone much poorer than you and/or ruling out anyone financially stable. The former is egalitarian and open minded, the latter could give me some cause for concern as to your attitude to and understanding of relationship dynamics and boundaries, in a man would make you think they enjoy having power and control over the woman through money, in a woman perhaps more likely that they are attracted to the drama of an irresponsible man or think they can change him/enjoy being needed?

It's maybe a little unusual to have the mortgage fully paid off by 40 (although with inheritances and such not unheard of) but I really don't see why it wouldn't be ok/likely to find a man in his 40s who has his own property with a mortgage he will have paid off by retirement (or equivalent savings and assets if not in property), that's pretty standard isn't it? Of course if this guy is The One then fine, I'm sure OP can make arrangements to protect herself but if there's totally natural and understandable reasons for the financial disparity that aren't fecklessness or irresponsibility then I don't think it's out of order to share a little of her plenty with him either?

yes that makes sense, i totally understand what you're saying.

ill be single until i die, who at 40 is single and mortgage paid?

Me. But I'm female so you're out of luck. 😀

If you DO move him in, just don't let him pay for anything connected to upkeep or maintenance of the property. Mortage is paid off so you don't have to worry about that.

Let him pay for the groceries, car or holidays.

Sorry, cross post, I get that you're not saying now you wouldn't date an equal man. I think it all sounds good OP.

I think you have lots of good options, you can continue to date without moving in, you can move him in and just split bills 50:50 which is probably a win win, he won't have a claim on your house but you get a bit of support with the bills, he makes a saving on his current rent and can put something away for the future, or you decide he's trustworthy and go all the way to marriage and full joint finances, or you can you rent your house and rent somewhere new together (not a particular fan of this one personally as is unnecessary extra hassle and expense unless for some other reason your current house no longer works for you), none of these seem like crazy or out of the way ideas, you're good. I think the main thing really is to not rush into anything and be sure this guy really is a true long term partner before you do anything which affects your son?

You are right to be wary OP. There are plenty of men who will view you as a financial opportunity, and as you say, your security and that of your child must come first

Avoiding living together until your child leaves home or goes to university would be completely reasonable.

im happy to share like i did with my late husband, but its almost everything before the new relationship i feel is off limits, i worked hard for it and i dont want to risk it, its my sons too, for all the hours i missed with him while at work.

i dont want to have missed all those moments for someone else to benefit from it.

maybe im not explaining myself well, i just want to ring fence that, any future things im happy to share.

I’ve been in a similar situation.

Basically, if you ever choose to cohabit in your house then you should draw up a cohabitation agreement, he should pay towards utility food bills but not household improvements or extend/significantly improve the house himself. Otherwise he could get an equitable interest. He wouldn’t have rights to your pension/savings if not married.

It becomes a lot more complicated if you ever wanted to marry someone who doesn’t have a property or other assets of their own. If he ever moves into your house then it becomes part of the marital assets as well as your pension etc. Even with a prenup, it is likely that your house (or other assets) could be considered in his favour as part of financial split if you ever divorced (if he didn’t have enough other assets to house himself).

In court today is an acquaintance of mine who was in a similar position. Not married, contributed very little to the house - bought food from time to time. He's suing her for £100k and she's offered him £30k. They've been together for 8 years.

Don't live together, ever. Get some proper legal advice. Keep in mind that men are asserting their rights in the same way women do and that means unless everything is crystal clear now, then there's a chance he can get something back without having put much if anything in.

Exactly this!

Just wanted to say, well done in getting g this sorted early on, before it’s too late.

One of my elderly neighbours who I used to have a coffee and natter with lived with her partner, both widowed. He died and his adult children treated her really badly. They got a solicitor to send her nasty letters saying she had 3 months to leave the house.

She was too upset and frail to stand up to them and left them hanging for ages. Then after a while her own adult child told them to go F themselves as it turned out it was her house, not his and he had not a bean. They got nothing and had a solicitor chasing her for months. 😂

Just seen your update after I posted, what man in his 40’s shares with friends 😳 each to their own but that would give me the major ick as the young ones say 🤣

Better still just don't date these skint men with no asset to start with.

Look around there are several men with an asset even if they still have a mortgage.

I wd never date a guy who was just renting and he was over 40.

20 years ago properties were a lot more affordable if this guy really has nothing behind him it wd put me right off.

Why is she offering him 30k if he has no rights to anything.

Cold shudder down spine.

Protect your children from these cock lodgers.

Dont live together. I was single and mortgage free at 33, so you are not the only one, there are men in that position too. However, they also protect their assets and don't hook up with housemates, even if the do rent a room.

Just don't move in together, maybe transfer ownership of the house to your son, when he hits 18. Or just don't co habitate.

i'd much rather be with someone who makes me laugh and happy than someone whos got some assets

i mean he was married and gave the house etc to his wife and child as far as i can tell, god knows why because she cheated on him, but still everyones got baggage and stories, and i've only scratched the surface of that detail.

maybe im rare and dont get ick from peoples circumstances.

I've said exactly the same. It's at court today and his argument is that he's paid in by buying food, has nowt and thus deserves something. Given that women have had payments in the same situation,. it's not unreasonable or unlawful for him to ask the same. I don't agree, obviously.

To the OP, my ex once asked me whether if he moved in with me if we split would he be entitled to anything. HUGE red flag. I said he'd have to prove his contributions which is exactly what women have to do in the same situation and as some awards have been made, I think women should tread very carefully these days.

Womens hour on radio 4 did a show on these matters and women were advised not to marry.

Or, wait til your son has moved out (it's his home too, bringing a stranger in will impact him). Then consider whether you still want to live together and if you do what that looks like.

Then speak to a solicitor on how best to protect yourself, your son and your assets.

There are still men out there with an ex and children and still have a property despite a breakup. He won't be the only 'type'.

I think because maybe you’ve not experienced a man taking advantage of you financially- you may say he won’t as is paying 50/50 but he is gaining from this relationship probably more than you will and I hope it doesn’t bite you in the end- make sure you ring fence your money as you’ve stated. I just don’t understand what you could gain from this type of relationship and I wonder how long you’ve been dating to consider moving a man in around your child - all the best OP