I called the police on my daughter in law and it's gone wrong

[feellikechickentonight]

The other week I was walking my dog and I ended up walking past my son and daughter in law's house, as I walked past i could hear her going ballistic at what I presumed to be him. The house isnt too far back from the path and the bathroom window was open, hence being able to hear everything.

I listened for a minute or so and she was absolutely relentless, calling him awful names, for context he is physically disabled and some of those insults were related to his disability, I couldn't hear him responding in kind, just pleading with her to calm down and fearing for his safety i called the police and they said they'd check that everything was okay but couldn't give a time.

I went home as I had an appointment, i was also very angry at what I'd heard and was worried if I confronted them that it'd make the situation worse. A few hours later I got a phone call from my son asking me if I'd called the police, when I said yes he then got very terse and said what the hell was I doing, that they were having a very heated discussion about something, he confirmed that the police had been round, they'd spoken to him separately as I had told the police what I'd heard his wife screaming at him.

Anyway the police were happy it was a domestic dispute and they left, I've been told by my son to stay away from him and my grandson etc, my husband and other son have said that j completely overreacted, some couples have a row but it's better than not ever arguing and then one day just exploding. My daughter in law is said to be absolutely furious.

I'm heart broken, how do I fix this? I had hoped that the police would get social services involved due to them having a child and giving them a kick up the arse but it seems have backfired.

The DIL was abusing the husband but the mother "overreacted". They're both idiots, apparently.

Interested to know what an "overreaction" to someone abusing someone disabled is.

If it had been son in law abusing a daughter I think the responses would have been different. No "maybe stressed" responses.

Well if I were your child you’d be waiting until the next lifetime for any contact if you’d wanted social services to get involved with my children, what sort of parent does that to their kids unless they know for a fact the children are in real danger? You want to hang your head in shame woman…….

Her son is in a relationship with domestic abuse, being trapped in a room, being yelled at and derogatory things yelled at his about his disability, and that’s just what the OP has witnessed.

most sensible people would be hoping for social services involvement in domestic abuse situations, to find out how much are the children witnessing and are the kids also on the receiving end?

Witnessing domestic abuse is “real danger”.

OP you can refer to social services if there are children and you have concerns, which it sounds like you do.

Yes yes. Allow domestic abuse. Don’t stick your nose in. Do a sad face when yet another article comes out about some vulnerable adult and/or child is killed.

you are shameful. You should be deeply embarrassed that you turn your head away and allow this sort of thing to go on under your nose.

We all have arguements in relationships, arguements are completely normal and maybe if her parents were hanging around outside her house listening to every word they’d have taken her side, we do not know as none of us heard the conversation we only have mummy’s boys version so now he has cut her off………..

Would someone please explain to me why so many people on here think it is wrong to report domestic violence.

The man is vulnerable. His wife is both verbally abusing him and physically blocking his movements in front of people. So what the heck is going on when there are no witnesses. There is a history of abusive behaviour and a real indication that the man is a victim of DV. Why are people in here telling the OP that she is in the wrong?

Well, I’ve never had arguments that would be heard outside. I can live my life without drama like this and can use my indoor voice for disagreements, rare as they are.

I don’t think it does anyone any good to minimise and belittle using terms like “mummy’s boy”.

I don’t think even in good faith, anyone can judge here without knowing the complete backstory.

Absolutely. Can't believe the response of some posters on here who clearly have no understanding of dynamics and risks in domestic abuse especially with a potentially vulnerable person and children involved.

Absolutely horrible response! Can't believe someone would react this way to defend a perpetrator of domestic abuse against a disabled person. So so nasty

There are some truly worrying responses on here and I’ll reiterate my earlier point that it’s completely sexist because nobody would accept this behaviour as ‘just arguing’ or ‘having a conversation’ if it was a man doing it to a disabled woman.

You are sympathising and minimising the behaviour of an abuser and vilifying the op for not standing by and letting it happen. The fact she’s been told she’s nosey and should be minding her own business is mind boggling. Whatever their age, I would never stand by and allow my dc to be treated like that by anyone.

He may need adult social care or specialist domestic abuse service involvement to support him to live free from abuse as a potentially vulnerable person.

You were there then I assume? Even the police have done nothing so cannot have been that extreme can it……..

Even the police have done nothing so cannot have been that extreme can it……..
that’s not really a good test of oh well nothing happened, the police get called out and go away in a lot of domestic abuse situations, for a whole host of reasons, the victim may play it down, the police may not take it seriously etc

Agree . Plus making up a hypothetical situation. She’s horrid alright .

Yes and his mother can see him trapped in a room with her X-ray vision then I presume………..

There’s no wonder HE’S cut her off……….

How exactly did you think it would go?

OP my best friend is in a verbally abusive and coercive relationship, I think calling the police isn’t the right call here, it will just push your son further away and the police are unlikely to do anything about what they will be told by them both is just an argument and was reported by an interfering mum.

The best thing you can do is apologise to your son, explain why you did what you did, your concerns and gradually over time help him to see he is being abused, going in all guns blazing won’t help trust me. He will just defend her, distance himself from you and will become more isolated and vulnerable. It takes a lot of time for people to realise they are in an abusive relationship, you have to be very delicate and supportive. You should not do anything against his wishes unless you feel there is a genuine threat to his or the children’s safety, as he will no longer trust you or confide in you.

It’s taken my best friend almost 5 years of pretty much every single person in her life telling her she is being abused to realise she’s in an abusive relationship, and yet she still holds out hope that he will change and makes excuses for him.

Unfortunately, I think you also have to accept the very real possibility that even if he realises he is being abused he may still decide to stay with her. In which case the best thing you can do is gain his trust back, support him and hope he finds the strength to leave one day. I along with her family are terrified one day my best friend’s husband will snap and hurt her or their kids, but we’ve had to accept there’s nothing we can do as she won’t leave him and she lies to cover for him, as frustrating as that is ultimately it is her choice though.

Has nobody noticed that both her husband and other son said she completely overreacted……..

Are you the abusive wife by any chance? I can’t actually see the logic behind you posting such vile, ridiculous comments otherwise.

Yes that’s me…….his mum is outside now with her pinard pressed up to the window and a pair of night vision binoculars in her hand……….