I called the police on my daughter in law and it's gone wrong

[feellikechickentonight]

The other week I was walking my dog and I ended up walking past my son and daughter in law's house, as I walked past i could hear her going ballistic at what I presumed to be him. The house isnt too far back from the path and the bathroom window was open, hence being able to hear everything.

I listened for a minute or so and she was absolutely relentless, calling him awful names, for context he is physically disabled and some of those insults were related to his disability, I couldn't hear him responding in kind, just pleading with her to calm down and fearing for his safety i called the police and they said they'd check that everything was okay but couldn't give a time.

I went home as I had an appointment, i was also very angry at what I'd heard and was worried if I confronted them that it'd make the situation worse. A few hours later I got a phone call from my son asking me if I'd called the police, when I said yes he then got very terse and said what the hell was I doing, that they were having a very heated discussion about something, he confirmed that the police had been round, they'd spoken to him separately as I had told the police what I'd heard his wife screaming at him.

Anyway the police were happy it was a domestic dispute and they left, I've been told by my son to stay away from him and my grandson etc, my husband and other son have said that j completely overreacted, some couples have a row but it's better than not ever arguing and then one day just exploding. My daughter in law is said to be absolutely furious.

I'm heart broken, how do I fix this? I had hoped that the police would get social services involved due to them having a child and giving them a kick up the arse but it seems have backfired.

“I've seen how she can behave with him before and I've threatened to report her.”

I’m astonished she’s still on speaking terms with you. You sound like the MIL from hell. Any normal person, on hearing a row going on that they want to stop, would have rung the doorbell. Your son is clearly very put out by your behaviour. I think it will take some time to come back from this, and don’t be surprised if your DIL is super frosty or even goes NC with you.

If you’re walking your dog by your son’s house, listening in on their arguments and calling the police on them, you may have a problem with boundaries. I would guess this isn’t the first time you’ve overstepped them, thus the big reaction from your son.

So, your DIL is larger than your son, your son is disabled and you've already warned her about ongoing, abusive verbal attacks.

After reading both of your posts, I'm not so sure that you were out of line.

The reaction so far was not what you hoped for but it's still possible that it will serve as a wake-up call to your son, that his mother sees what's going on and finds it shocking enough to alert the authorities over.

I think it's quite possible you did the right thing by standing up instead of going along with an abusive situation just to keep the peace. If your assessment of the situation is correct, it could be your son is afraid to go against your DIL at this point but at least now he knows he's got a strong ally on the outside. Her bullying won't get far with you and now it's on record that the authorities have been called over this. I'd get a copy of the police report if you can. Start documenting, including writing down past incidents.

I also suggest consulting a domestic violence assistance source or some type of family therapist, to get high quality help on the best way to proceed from here. And even if it was a mistake, if it was a well meant one, well that's all we can do isn't it? Good luck with it.

This is a fairly typical response from a victim of domestic abuse unfortunately. He's normalised her behaviour and got when an outsider calls it for what it is, he's gone on the defensive and put on a united front with his partner (let's face it he's probably scared not to). Most domestic abuse victims don't want to admit to it/don't see it how an outsider does, because accepting that they're being abused makes them into a victim, and most people don't want to feel like a victim, especially when the person they love is the perpetrator. It's especially hard for male victims of domestic abuse, because of the way that it's generally minimised by society. We've still got a long way to go on that unfortunately.

Just be there for him, and hopefully one day he'll realise the reality of it for himself (probably not before it escalates though unfortunately).

If you genuinely believed that your son was in danger, then I think you did the right thing (assuming it wasn't safe or practical for you to intervene on your own). The police came, questioned them for a period of time that likely was no longer than an hour, decided it was a domestic dispute, and left saying they'd take it no further.

What was the cost to your DIL? An hour of her time, some awkward questions, possibly fear during the questioning that there might be legal repercussions, perhaps some embarrassment if neighbors saw the police arrive (although part of that is due to her own actions as people will put two and two together if the abuse could be heard from the street). Consider that cost, versus the cost if your son actually HAD been seriously physically injured. Can she really say the negative consequences of your call outweigh the possible consequences of his being hurt? Better safe than sorry.

WTF. How dare a mother have concerns about her disabled adult child's verbally abusive partner.

I'm sorry OP, I think you did the right thing but it's very tough. I had a male family member who was disabled and in an abusive relationship and it sounds similar. Ultimately there was nothing we could do, the partner ended up barring all our family from the property and there was a very sad ending. I think just try and keep all lines of communication open as much as you can to make sure he has as much support as possible.

She called police?

Inserting herself into the argument would just further inflame things and would be a very stupid thoughtless decision, which you would know if you understood the dynamics of abusive relationships. She called the police, didn't exactly 'stroll off.'

Post call to police, op strolled off

and if it was your child, you wouldn’t maybe hang around for police to arrive so you’re on hand to provide support to your child?

each to their own

The way so many create their own a narrative and run with it.

Strolling off is your own choice of language, she left after calling police which is the right thing to do. She clearly wasn't unbothered as she was worried enough to call for a welfare check and post here. It's better not to insert yourself personally as you then lose access and inflame tensions. Which I already said clearly. Maybe you will understand now, but probably not.You'll probably just quote me yet again rewording the same ignorant statements.

What a ridiculous comment. It wasn’t a conversation was it. It was her disabled son being screamed at and abused. If you’d ignore that happening to your child then you’re not a very good mother.

And if there are dc involved she’s right to be concerned about them too given that their mother sounds abusive and unhinged.

It’s a shame the police didn’t take this more seriously. So you have concerns about how your DIL treats your son?

If you think the dc could do with a Ss referral, you can do this yourself.

Arguing and verbally abusing someone about their disability are completely different things.

Some of you have given me a lot to think about so thank you, maybe I should have knocked but I didn't want to make the situation worse whereas the police are trained for this.

I've seen daughter in law having words with my son before and she'll block him from leaving the room, on that occasion she backed down after realising that we all saw, she can physically dominate and i hate saying this but due to my son's disability it wouldn't take much force to push him over.

I'm going to leave it and I may message my son in a few days to say I'm here if he wants to chat.

To some of you who are making excuses for her, saying maybe she's stressed etc, I have no words.

He's made it clear that he is angry at me so I'm giving him space.

So you think the appropriate thing to do if you witness domestic aggression is what?
it’s not a wonder so many women are killed and children are abused when the attitude on here is to mind your own business.

he is a vulnerable man with what very much sounds like an abusive wife. And you think they should be left to deal with it themselves. 🙄😖

Exactly

For better or worse

I think waiting a few days and then contacting is a good idea, let’s everyone cool down but will let him know you’re there no matter what and hopefully he will approach you in the future for help getting out of this relationship, it often takes people quite a while to leave abusive relationships and especially with the isolation that comes from the situation, letting him know you’re there (even if he doesn’t want to hear it right now) will be a good thing.