TW: SA - DP gay porn - how do I get past this?

[Elmo27]

AIA this is long. Posting on here as I can’t tell anyone in real life but really need some advice.
I have been in a relationship with DP for 12 years, he is 10 years older and we have a 9yo DS. He’s always been pretty avoidant attachment style and a very closed book. We’ve had our fair share of ups and downs and at times it’s been a real struggle and we have come very close to separating a couple of times. I do love him very very much though and he’s recently told me that he’d be happy to start trying for DC2 (something I’ve wanted for years but he could never commit to) which I’m over the moon about.
so yesterday I looked on DS’s iPad as I often do to check what he’s been looking at (it has all appropriate child settings on) and I noticed that the Google account was signed into my partners account. I looked at the history and saw that last weekend there had been a search for transsexual porn, and upon scrolling further back in horror I saw that there were many more similar, and gay porn too, in amongst searches for straight porn (and other mundane searches not related to porn at all). I clicked on one of the links but obviously the iPad blocked it due to child restrictions. There was also visits to a swingers sites on profiles of shemales.
naturally I was completely stunned and very very upset and I text DP telling him he needed to come home from work immediately. I don’t think I’ve ever felt shock or anger like that and I had to run to the toilet to throw up. I felt so betrayed that he must be gay? But has spent 12 years with me? There had been zero signs. I ended up losing my shit and text him (admittedly quite abusive messages which I’m not proud of but I have never felt anger like it). He told me it was just a fantasy and he isn’t gay.
he then rang me and told me he was going to tell me something he’s never told anybody before - that when he was around 12 or 13, and older boy sexually abused him about 10 times over a 2 year period. He said he felt so ashamed and disgusting about it and has done ever since, but that at the time even though he didn’t want it to happen he sometimes enjoyed it, which then fuelled his shame even more. He said that it sparked something in him that is purely a porn thing that he revisits sometimes. He came home and continued the conversation and I knew he was telling the truth. He has promised me he does not and never has been confused about his sexuality and identifies and completely straight. That the gay porn thing was his dirty secret that no one else knew of and that he has never and would never want to act on it. He said he feels embarrassed and ashamed that he’s said this out loud and thought he would always rather have died than tell anyone. I believe him. I asked him if he had ever done this to anyone else when he was a kid too and he was horrified and said he absolutely hadn’t. He has said he will never ever be looking at anything like this again and now that this has come out it has ‘blown his world apart’ and the thought of it makes him feel sick.
obviously all search history has been deleted from my sons iPad and I’m confident he never saw any of these searches.
how do I move forward with this? My heart breaks for him and now SO much makes sense. I always knew he was holding himself back from me and I think this has messed him up in so many ways. I’ve told him he has to get therapy immediately or I can’t get past this enough to continue the relationship. I feel betrayed and hurt that I have confided in him so much about myself but he never could tell me this part of him. Can I trust him that this is purely a porn thing stemmed from abuse, and that it’s not affected his sexual identity to a larger extent?
i am completely floored by this and feeling about 10 different emotions. Please be kind and give me some advice. Thanks

I’ve told him he has to get therapy immediately or I can’t get past this enough to continue the relationship

Get past what? The porn? The fact that he was abused and didn't tell you?

He would certainly benefit from therapy but you being demanding over it isn't going to help anything. And being sexually abused can't make you gay or bi - it sounds like he probably is bi and may be mixing it up in his head with the abuse and would benefit from professional help to unpick it all - but he doesn't need your judgement over that. If he is bi can you live with that?

that when he was around 12 or 13, and older boy sexually abused him about 10 times over a 2 year period. He said he felt so ashamed and disgusting about it and has done ever since, but that at the time even though he didn’t want it to happen he sometimes enjoyed it, which then fuelled his shame even more. He said that it sparked something in him that is purely a porn thing that he revisits sometimes

I may be flamed but I'd doubt this narrative.

I'd say it's equally likely that he's bi and has reframed an early gay experience/encounters as abuse.

He's then continued with that sexuality into adulthood by using gay porn and transexual porn, (and looking up trans sexuals on swingers sites).

I find it kind of hard to believe that being sexually abused by a boy 10 times as a young teenager has made him feel compelled to look up trans sexuals on swinging sites and watch gay men & transexuals having sex; even though he's 100% heterosexual.
It just doesn't hang together for me.

I think he's used a big traumatic sob story that is not entirely true to make you accept what you've found out.

Otherwise he knows you'd be getting rid of him and perhaps telling others about why.

He has said he will never ever be looking at anything like this again

So he was sexually abused over the course of two years but has never sought any counselling about it ....and he's now going to go cold turkey on looking at gay & trans porn. ..and looking up transexuals on swinging sites, with no counselling (?)

I think you're being completely unreasonable.

Demanding he came home from work ? That's a bit much.

I think his story is plausible actually.

Some people click on porn that Is unrelated to their sexuality out of sheer curiosity. How many women have watched lesbian porn ? I have. I'm 100% straight.

If it was the only type of porn he watched- that's different.

It's something he done in his spare time. If he's otherwise a great dad and husband, I personally wouldn't be dying on this hill. If you seek - you find. Sometimes it's best not to seek too far in these situations.

Some people click on porn that Is unrelated to their sexuality out of sheer curiosity. How many women have watched lesbian porn ? I have. I'm 100% straight.

Researchers have found that women respond to a much wider and more varied range of sexual "triggers", acts, situations etc. than men.

Men tender to be much much more set in grooves/channels by their sexuality, than women l.

So the "hetero women" sometimes look at lesbian porn (or gay porn for that matter) analogy may not fly.

Personally I have never known heterosexual men to watch gay or trans porn.
And I've been with quite a few men, who've watched a varying amount of porn (minimal to huge).

I had an ex with a very very similar story.. The guilt and shame consumed him..
Maybe don't be so judgey.. It really isn't about you...
Porn of any sort isn't acceptable in my relationships. If it isn't in yours then make it clear.

Sometimes it's best not to seek too far in these situations.

Lol.

The naivety. .... and the risk you're happy subjecting another woman to.

If I found out my partner was on swinging sites looking up transexuals, I think a visit to the sexual health clinic would be prudent.

And a very thorough look through of any and all his communications - without tipping him off beforehand.

I'd also be holding off on the TTC and maybe buying some condoms.

"An early gay experience "

At 12/13 with an older teen?? How is that not abuse?? At 12??

And as a FEMALE victim of abusenI can tell yoh now that I am still confused and get aroused by some of the AWFUL things that happend to me in childhood. And it makes me feel guilty and sick.

The human body and the abused mind is a very complicated thing!

I cannot believe that level of victim blaming.

I think he definitely needs some counselling to unpick his feelings about his SA and how that has manifested itself in his current life.

It’s clear he’s dealing with a lot of shame. Making promises to you about not doing it again (watching gay porn) isn’t going to help. Clearly it’s something that arouses him. I think you can still be aroused by something you would never want to partake in real life. It’s called a fantasy.

I think trying to put him in a box that makes it more comfortable for you will just close him up. It sounds like you do want a deeper connection with him so why not just be supportive of him, whatever that looks like? Show him you can take the real him, whoever that may be. For me honesty and trust is way more important than what kind of porn someone looks at. Similarly if you see porn as cheating (regardless of the type), and that’s a boundary for you then that’s fair. But you do risk him just hiding it.

I know men who had their first sexual experiences as they hit puberty with boys around the same age or a bit older.

Gay and bi men.

Even so- Humans are naturally curious creatures. How many people Google really obscure things that have no relation to their general interests or circumstances?

I'm not saying I wouldn't be alarmed at finding my DH watching gay porn. But it would depend on the surrounding circumstances. There's usual other signs they're gay, a suspicion that's already there by many wives. If there was no other suspicions, and this was isolated I think it's less concerning.

Also, it sounds like he has a varied diet in what porn he watches, as it were. It doesn't sound like this is his sole 'thing'

I'm inclined to believe his reasons

I have, in the past looked at porn that corelates with the type of abuse I suffered. I talked to my therapist about it and she said sometimes our mind and bodies do this as a way of trying to claw back power from a situation we had no control over in childhood.

Im leaving this thread.

I hope your partner gets the help and support he deserves

Even so- Humans are naturally curious creatures. How many people Google really obscure things that have no relation to their general interests or circumstances?

That's "general interest", not sex.

I would very much doubt the heterosexuality of a man who chooses to watch gay and trans porn . And who browses transexual profiles on swinging sites.

If they were older boys then theybwere abused. A 12 or 13 year old CANNOT CONSENT to sexual activity.

I think that therapy is a good first step and better advice than the majority of comments on here.

No wonder sexual abuse victims never come forward.

If the 10.incidents with the older boy were truly non consenting, he needs to get counselling asap.

It's not acceptable in a monogamous heterosexual relationship to be on swinging sites full stop (let alone looking at transexuals).

I have a feeling he'll just get more careful in future and it will be quite a while before op catches him again.

What if both boys were under the age of consent?

I have, in the past looked at porn that corelates with the type of abuse I suffered

Are you on swinging sites too?

Honestly there wouldn’t be anywhere near as many comments claiming it wasn’t abuse if this was about a woman.

It wasn’t abuse he’s probably just feeling ashamed? Fuck me, I thought we left that narrative behind decades ago.

I don't actually think it's useful for posters to plough in with "he's telling the truth"and "you're evil if you doubt him".

Ateotd, you don't know. I don't know

It's a very triggering subject, but that doesn't mean that total.and utter zealous single mindedness has to be the approach

That's not helpful to the op

I've lost count of how baby times something was discovered on here by an op, that was the tip of the ice berg.

I've also lost count of the number of times and op who discovered signs her partner was gay or bi was lied to by him (later proven to be lies) very earnestly and convincingly. We need to look out for the op first.

Females are sexually abused at higher rates than males so that wouldn't be entirely unreasonable .

Also you'd imagine someone might share this to some degree with their long-term partner and child's mother.

But the first mention is well over a decade down the line, when caught on gay/trans porn sites and on swinging sites.

@Chilliflakesontuna disagree wholeheartedly.

"I think his story is plausible actually

Some people click on porn that Is unrelated to their sexuality out of sheer curiosity (you actually DO have to actively seek)

he has a varied diet in what porn he watches"

@Elmo27

"I feel betrayed and hurt that I have confided in him so much about myself but he never could tell me this part of him" I am not surprised you feel betrayed/hurt. This is absolutely your decision to make going forward

Some people click on porn that Is unrelated to their sexuality out of sheer curiosity (you actually DO have to actively seek)

He would have to have signed up to the swinging site/s to browse it, would he not.

That's not "being on a porn site and clicking something you see".

It's well documented that many straight men watch transexual (and even gay) porn. The taboo element is stimulating.

The fact he also searched for straight porn would likely put him in this category. A gay man does not want to watch a woman having sex in any capacity; they do not get any stimulation from that as it's not taboo and quite frankly gay men are not backward when it comes to airing their thoughts on the female body.

Demanding he came home from work ? That's a bit much.

Demanding your spouse/partner come home from work because you've caught them on SWINGING SITES: is not a bit much.