TW: SA - DP gay porn - how do I get past this?

[Elmo27]

AIA this is long. Posting on here as I can’t tell anyone in real life but really need some advice.
I have been in a relationship with DP for 12 years, he is 10 years older and we have a 9yo DS. He’s always been pretty avoidant attachment style and a very closed book. We’ve had our fair share of ups and downs and at times it’s been a real struggle and we have come very close to separating a couple of times. I do love him very very much though and he’s recently told me that he’d be happy to start trying for DC2 (something I’ve wanted for years but he could never commit to) which I’m over the moon about.
so yesterday I looked on DS’s iPad as I often do to check what he’s been looking at (it has all appropriate child settings on) and I noticed that the Google account was signed into my partners account. I looked at the history and saw that last weekend there had been a search for transsexual porn, and upon scrolling further back in horror I saw that there were many more similar, and gay porn too, in amongst searches for straight porn (and other mundane searches not related to porn at all). I clicked on one of the links but obviously the iPad blocked it due to child restrictions. There was also visits to a swingers sites on profiles of shemales.
naturally I was completely stunned and very very upset and I text DP telling him he needed to come home from work immediately. I don’t think I’ve ever felt shock or anger like that and I had to run to the toilet to throw up. I felt so betrayed that he must be gay? But has spent 12 years with me? There had been zero signs. I ended up losing my shit and text him (admittedly quite abusive messages which I’m not proud of but I have never felt anger like it). He told me it was just a fantasy and he isn’t gay.
he then rang me and told me he was going to tell me something he’s never told anybody before - that when he was around 12 or 13, and older boy sexually abused him about 10 times over a 2 year period. He said he felt so ashamed and disgusting about it and has done ever since, but that at the time even though he didn’t want it to happen he sometimes enjoyed it, which then fuelled his shame even more. He said that it sparked something in him that is purely a porn thing that he revisits sometimes. He came home and continued the conversation and I knew he was telling the truth. He has promised me he does not and never has been confused about his sexuality and identifies and completely straight. That the gay porn thing was his dirty secret that no one else knew of and that he has never and would never want to act on it. He said he feels embarrassed and ashamed that he’s said this out loud and thought he would always rather have died than tell anyone. I believe him. I asked him if he had ever done this to anyone else when he was a kid too and he was horrified and said he absolutely hadn’t. He has said he will never ever be looking at anything like this again and now that this has come out it has ‘blown his world apart’ and the thought of it makes him feel sick.
obviously all search history has been deleted from my sons iPad and I’m confident he never saw any of these searches.
how do I move forward with this? My heart breaks for him and now SO much makes sense. I always knew he was holding himself back from me and I think this has messed him up in so many ways. I’ve told him he has to get therapy immediately or I can’t get past this enough to continue the relationship. I feel betrayed and hurt that I have confided in him so much about myself but he never could tell me this part of him. Can I trust him that this is purely a porn thing stemmed from abuse, and that it’s not affected his sexual identity to a larger extent?
i am completely floored by this and feeling about 10 different emotions. Please be kind and give me some advice. Thanks

Well I'm sure that you, internet random who can't follow the thread and keeps asking questions that have already been covered, are better placed to make a judgement on that than OP. You know, his actual wife and mother of his children 🙄

Sorry I half agree with you but the accessing of porn related to their own SA is by no means unusual when it hasn't been dealt with and it doesn't always mean they derive pleasure from it in the sense that porn ordinarily fulfils in ordinary useage. There are often compulsions to view and feelings of revulsion in even thinking about it let alone actively watching.

It is a way the mind tries to deal with what happened when it has no other tools to cope.

I do understand this and while it could likely be an element to what’s happening, I don’t feel that seeking out local trans swingers falls into this category.

100%.

Have a feeling this man is bi, regardless of historic abuse.

accessing of porn related to their own SA

The abuse was neither by, nor as, a transexual.

And it's not just porn when you're on a swinging site.

It was the swingers sites that have obviously really hurt me and betrayed me. I openly spoke about this to him last night highlighting how no matter what has happened to him this is NEVER okay in a monogamous relationship. He understands and accepts this and knows how much this has hurt me, he held space for me to talk about this and took full responsibility. He told me he deleted the account straight afterwards and was on there as there was a link to a particular porn actors account and he was curious to see more and needed an account to view another.

I asked why transsexuals? He said that he had looked at gay porn which was fuelled by the SA but as he really isn’t attracted to any men in real life, men who look very much like women were almost a happy medium.

I personally don’t understand the attraction with the trans thing, but I know I have female friends who do when it comes to porn, they’re not gay or trans and aren’t victims of SA.

I’m certainly no SA expert but his explanation checks out to me from a logical perspective backed up by my own research and some of the posts on this thread.

I’ve repeatedly asked him if he thinks he is bi, I’ve told him it isn’t a deal breaker. He has repeatedly assured me he isn’t, and he’s never looked at a man in that way in real life or ever been confused about his feeling towards real men. And I believe he’s telling me the truth.

Whether after therapy he realises he is bi is yet to be told, but for now I believe this was purely returning to a dark place through porn in a way to control it and cope with it, which has then become habitual. He’s admitted to me he has a porn addiction that he is looking into software that blocks it automatically (I haven’t asked him to do this). He said the thought of watching any porn gay/straight/trans is knocking him sick at the moment, but he knows at some point he may feel compelled to and he wants to break the habit.

I’ve chosen to put my faith in him and trust him, and there isn’t really much more I can ask from him right now. For a man who is a typically terrible communicator we have had some of the most calm, open, honest and mutually compassionate conversations we’ve ever had. I’m hoping this will enable us to be closer in the long run.

People can keep speculating on a random strangers sexuality if they like, but I’ve told you what he’s told me, and as his partner of 12 years - I believe him.

Did you ask to look at the account before he deleted it? Because deleting it so in this instance could have been deleting proof that he was contacting this particular person. Even worse if he sent them money for specific content or anything else along those lines.

MissDoubleU

I did ask to see his profile yes. I’ve said in a previous post that this was from November last year, he told me he deleted it after looking at whatever it was he looked at back then so it hasn’t existed for months and it was something he did quickly. There were no other searches on the search history since then for this site, only the porn site.

Before he told me about the SA when I was still raging, I created my own profile to see if I could see a profile that was possibly his - it took me all of 1 minute to do so. (Obviously I deleted it immediately afterwards as it made for some pretty grim viewing imo!)

The mind and its compulsions are a mystery. There is nothing logical about it.

@StrawberryDream24
If he is bi or not, it doesn't matter, bi people aren't any more likely to cheat than anyone else even if that is a horrible trope often trotted out by the posters addicted to trying to create drama.

I am myself an out and proud bisexual.

My point was that this is a very real possibility for her husband that he may come to realise through therapy. I also made the point that she cannot mix the betrayal, sexuality, and SA together because they are three very separate issues to be explored independently. Giving a “reason” for betrayal does not justify it, not even historic CSA.

Neither of us are his therapist, we can't possibly know what is entangled in his mind, although I've appreciated your level head in your posts.

As someone who has been subjected to SA by men and women, I know that there is terrible guilt and compulsions attached to anything like this. At no point would it be easy to seperate out what is what going on in his mind without serious help.

While bi people may be no more likely to.cheat (not sure why that was mentioned as no-one actually claimed that that I can see?) ....that does not mean that hetero people (or gay people for that matter) do not have the right to choose if they would like to have a relationship with a bi person. That's their perogative.

Much as the "we must always indulge & support men in their sexuality in a way that men would probably not indulge & support us" lobby pop up on all these threads .....that's not actually true or fair.
(And it always always seems to be women who are pushed, manipulated and guilted into that positio).

If I find it a turn off or unattractive or undesirable that a man is bi, I have the right not to want to continue the relationship. That would be anyone's right.
They have a different sexuality from that which I understood them to have when I entered into a relationship with them.

The mind and its compulsions are a mystery. There is nothing logical about it.

There are typical behaviours according to one's sexuality, however.

was on there as there was a link to a particular porn actors account and he was curious to see more

Curious 🙄.

Absolutely yes - I agree completely, but it’s also imperative for OP to understand that there is good reason to believe he might not be straight and to stay open for all these things to untangle if he does go through with the highly recommended therapy. While he is so controlled by his shame he won’t know who he is. He can and will get the help he needs but OP needs to understand that while he might not be lying to her, this may be a much longer road of discovery for him yet.

men who look very much like women were almost a happy medium

Have you ever seen transexual porn?

Women don't have a cock and balls that bounce and flap up and down during sex

Anyway, don't put yourself last op.
Don't focus on him and his historic abuse and his "porn addiction" and forget about yourself. He's had decades to seek some help for himself but presumably not done so, until he got caught on a swinger site etc.

Maybe you can get some counselling for yourself.

I'm going to try not to keep getting drawn back into this thread.

Best of luck.

No you didn't and I didn't accuse you of it either.

Whenever bi gets mentioned on here someone leaps to the fancies everyone and big cheater mode, hence me prempting it.

Much as the "we must always indulge & support men in their sexuality in a way that men would probably not indulge & support us" lobby pop up on all these threads .....that's not actually true or fair. If I find it a turn off or unattractive that a man is bi, I have the right not to want to continue the relationship. That would be anyone's right. They have a different sexuality from that which I understood them to have whey I entered into a relationship with them.

CSA and SA is entirely different to this.

We believe victims of SA these days thank goodness. The OP knows him best, she believes her partner, that's all there is to it.

No one has suggested the OP should accept anything they don't want to. Most posters have offered support for discovering a partner has been subjected to this, and in a secondary way been supported of OPs DH. No one has told OP to do anything.

I agree, it's a very long road and I'm not sure recovery is at the end of it necessarily but some kind of acceptance and understanding so it can be lived with perhaps is the best to hope for anything more is a charm.

CSA and SA is entirely different to this.

It has yet to be established whether historic SA is the sole reason for his sexuality.

(And may never be established).

No one has told OP to do anything

That's not entirely true, but I'm not going through the thread extracting all the quotes that shame her for reacting the way she has and that put huge emphasis on her helping and supporting him - while completely ignoring her needs/the impact on her.

Well that's some mental gymnastics right there.

No one has told OP to do anything
That's not entirely true, but I'm not going through the thread extracting all the quotes that shame her for reacting the way she has and that put huge emphasis on her helping and supporting him - while completely ignoring her needs/the impact on her.

Some were very harsh about OPs choices, some read her updates and became more supportive, some were supportive anyway. Different to telling OP to shut up and put up because he is a man.

Agreed that he’s been absolutely fine for years (presumably decades?) with this situation until the very moment he’s been caught and potentially outed.

The natural conclusion of enjoying “inappropriate” things because of CSA is very real but so is choosing to work on yourself and deal with your trauma. He has seemingly spent a lot of time consuming this material while simultaneously claiming he doesn’t enjoy it. He did however get so intrigued by one particular porn star he went and made an account to find out more about them.

OP, You’d likely be quite surprised by how many men (“straight” men) are into trans porn. It’s very much a thing. A lot of straight men also want pegged. Straight men being closest obsessed with trans porn has been heavily on the rise for a while. Trans porn was recently stated to be the 7th most popular category on pornhub worldwide.

My point is simple. CSA aside, what he’s doing is an increasingly common dirty little secret that he will not want to be public for a number of reasons. So really. If you feel betrayed that should not be brushed away and forgotten because he cried for the first time in years.

I’m very aware that more might come out when he goes to therapy about him potentially being bi etc. I don’t believe he’s lying to me but I know that maybe there is some denial there - or maybe there isn’t, and as several posters have attested to now with their own experiences - the compulsion to revisit something that has traumatised him in childhood may well be the top and bottom of it, and therapy will help him heal (if that’s ever possible). I’ve chosen to try my hardest to trust him and support him through this. I’ve had one (consensual) lesbian experience (albeit very drunkenly) once in my very early 20s (which DP knows about and I’m not ashamed of) but I knew afterwards it wasn’t something I had any interest in repeating and I never have. I don’t identify as bi, but obviously I’m clearly not the straightest woman in the world either. I think sexuality is a spectrum tbh and I am prepared for what may or may not come out about DP’s sexuality.

what I will not tolerate again is any more betrayal or lies. He knows this. He knows if anything else comes out that he hasn’t told me about (other than things from therapy ofc) then I’m done. He probably also fears that whilst I will never breathe a word of this to anyone I know, if he ever betrays me or is withholding more from me now and it comes out further down the line then that promise may be much harder for me to keep (that isn’t a threat by the way nor have I said that to him). He has too much to lose by not disclosing everything to me now. I am looking out for myself and my boundaries have been set. I’m still coming to terms with all of this but just because I’m being supportive of DP and his SA does not mean I’m okay with the fact that he’s betrayed me - he knows this.

Well that's some mental gymnastics right there

No, that's some realism right there.

Apologies OP, it was a flippant comment. I did read your first post. It resonated - I wouldn't call my experience as classic Gaslighting but he did try and turn it around to "oh woe with me, you have to fix this because you're the 'Mummy' [wasn't] and I'm traumatised" cue snotty waterworks. What made me do an emergency stop was when he started to expand the SA scenario to borderline porn fantasies - and I thought, next step he'll ask you work through it with him. He claimed his visits to (hardcore) Gay, Tranny, SheMale etc. websites had been triggered by childhood experimentation - 'forced' on him by a friend.