TW: SA - DP gay porn - how do I get past this?

[Elmo27]

AIA this is long. Posting on here as I can’t tell anyone in real life but really need some advice.
I have been in a relationship with DP for 12 years, he is 10 years older and we have a 9yo DS. He’s always been pretty avoidant attachment style and a very closed book. We’ve had our fair share of ups and downs and at times it’s been a real struggle and we have come very close to separating a couple of times. I do love him very very much though and he’s recently told me that he’d be happy to start trying for DC2 (something I’ve wanted for years but he could never commit to) which I’m over the moon about.
so yesterday I looked on DS’s iPad as I often do to check what he’s been looking at (it has all appropriate child settings on) and I noticed that the Google account was signed into my partners account. I looked at the history and saw that last weekend there had been a search for transsexual porn, and upon scrolling further back in horror I saw that there were many more similar, and gay porn too, in amongst searches for straight porn (and other mundane searches not related to porn at all). I clicked on one of the links but obviously the iPad blocked it due to child restrictions. There was also visits to a swingers sites on profiles of shemales.
naturally I was completely stunned and very very upset and I text DP telling him he needed to come home from work immediately. I don’t think I’ve ever felt shock or anger like that and I had to run to the toilet to throw up. I felt so betrayed that he must be gay? But has spent 12 years with me? There had been zero signs. I ended up losing my shit and text him (admittedly quite abusive messages which I’m not proud of but I have never felt anger like it). He told me it was just a fantasy and he isn’t gay.
he then rang me and told me he was going to tell me something he’s never told anybody before - that when he was around 12 or 13, and older boy sexually abused him about 10 times over a 2 year period. He said he felt so ashamed and disgusting about it and has done ever since, but that at the time even though he didn’t want it to happen he sometimes enjoyed it, which then fuelled his shame even more. He said that it sparked something in him that is purely a porn thing that he revisits sometimes. He came home and continued the conversation and I knew he was telling the truth. He has promised me he does not and never has been confused about his sexuality and identifies and completely straight. That the gay porn thing was his dirty secret that no one else knew of and that he has never and would never want to act on it. He said he feels embarrassed and ashamed that he’s said this out loud and thought he would always rather have died than tell anyone. I believe him. I asked him if he had ever done this to anyone else when he was a kid too and he was horrified and said he absolutely hadn’t. He has said he will never ever be looking at anything like this again and now that this has come out it has ‘blown his world apart’ and the thought of it makes him feel sick.
obviously all search history has been deleted from my sons iPad and I’m confident he never saw any of these searches.
how do I move forward with this? My heart breaks for him and now SO much makes sense. I always knew he was holding himself back from me and I think this has messed him up in so many ways. I’ve told him he has to get therapy immediately or I can’t get past this enough to continue the relationship. I feel betrayed and hurt that I have confided in him so much about myself but he never could tell me this part of him. Can I trust him that this is purely a porn thing stemmed from abuse, and that it’s not affected his sexual identity to a larger extent?
i am completely floored by this and feeling about 10 different emotions. Please be kind and give me some advice. Thanks

If I was told a married/attached woman disclosed historic sexual abuse only on being caught on a swingers site, where her interest was focused on people of her own sex ...

And that the background to her marriage/partnership was a fast pregnancy, followed by 9 years in which they almost separated twice and in which she would not commit to a second child ...

I would wonder about her sexuality, and I might have doubts over her narrative.

Of course, in the reverse scenario - it's worth considering that in many ways it is "easier" to come out as bi or gay if you are female. Therefore you would probably not be as motivated/desperate to obscure your sexuality.

Also worth pointing out that being bi or gay, and having been a victim of SA are not mutually exclusive.
So the neat, wrapped up with bow "ah, he was sexually abused by a male so that's why he's watching gay/trans porn and following (or wherever he did on the swinging site) transexuals!" is a bit too simple.

I'm also wondering how transexuals - not involved in his abuse - are not only included in the porn material he chooses, but the only (?).searches/follows on the swinging site.

Some said that him looking at straight porn too is "proof" he's not gay. It's not proof he's not bi though

I didn't tell the op with certainly he was lying

Nor have I tried to "discredit" posters who have alternative viewpoints.

I said I wouldn't feel right if I didn't counter balance posters telling the op she was judgey, unreasonable, and should 100% concentrate on supporting her swinger site visiting husband with his trauma (while ignoring he own hurt, discomfiture, the damage to her trust etc, and the possibility that she doesn't know everything).

(Sorry that post up top was in response to the poster who accused me of doubting him because he's male).

I don't think I've ever seen someone take over another person's MN thread to the extent that you've done here @StrawberryDream24. It's quite something to behold.

Sorry I’m not going into anymore detail than I have as it isn’t really relevant and your questions are a little intrusive. Twice we almost broke up because I felt like I was done and couldn’t continue anymore feeling unhappy. It also wasn’t a fast pregnancy we tried for 6 months for our DS and had been together for 3 years when he was born.

We have spoken much more tonight and I do believe him, I believe everything he’s told me. If I was reading this about a stranger online I may too be dubious, but me personally after the conversation I’ve had and the questions I’ve put to him I now believe him entirely about it all.

He’s acknowledged how hurt and betrayed I feel and understands, he is actively seeking a therapist and also online courses for porn addiction. He has calmly answered all my questions with kindness and compassion for my own feelings as I have done with him.

I am hoping that eventually a silver lining will come from this as I now know him on a deeper level and he has shown me the darkest parts of himself, and hopefully our communication will be much stronger, as it has been over the last two days more than ever.

It’s a test and a risk admittedly, and if I turn out to have been too trusting, and he fucks me over after all of this, then I won’t be held accountable for my actions!

But as it stands, I believe him and am going to support him through this as best as I’m able.

Thanks for all of your replies you’ve genuinely no idea how much this has helped me gain perspective.

Your response indicates that you don't know much about childhood sexual abuse. It is a fact that the body may respond (physiologically) as it cannot differentiate between good touches and bad touches. It just knows touch and responds accordingly. There are thousands of documented cases of this so do a little research. Does that mean the person WANTED to be abused? No - because that is a mental and emotional thing. So his story has a ring of truth to it that average laymen don't understand.

I agree that the husband and wife both could benefit from some therapy. He has a lot of confused feelings about himself and what stimulates him, mixed with guilt and who knows what else. The wife is also confused, but sounds more angry than anything else.

DebOnDating

The wife? I was very angry initially before he told me what happened yes. You obviously haven’t read my follow up posts.

Bless you both.

You've done the right thing in my eyes. What doesn't break your marriage will only make it stronger.

Hold each other tight tonight.

I don't like going into details, as its a triggering subject for some people. But, I was friends with a man once through work. He happened to be gay. He told me very bluntly that he feels the male that sexually abused him when he was younger made him gay (obviously I'd heavily dispute that, but he felt angry and surmised this) he also said that he occasionally masturbated over some of the things that happened to him and was repulsed by this . I don't believe for one second he was actually aroused by it. It's the body and brains fucked up response to trauma. It's such a horribly, sad and complicated mess for them. It's really not black and white. I guess unless someone has been through that they just can't begin to understand the complexity of how it fucks up a person's sexual responses.

Anyway, you'll get through this. Lots of talking, therapy for DH and open communication. Best of luck to you both

Couldn't be arsed to the read full story - been there etc. He's obviously going to come up with some crap that you're meant to deal with because it's just a bit of filthy porn right?' Nope. He's as gay as longest avenue of camped tents. He'll also start gathering support re how 'she didn't understand me and what was the problem in bringing Fred (sic) into the home?

Same old crap. Claim couldn't help himself re exploring out of bounds Porn - for a giggle - Check his Grindr profile! I'm sure it will say something like 'Straight Guy, looking to experiment'. So many of my gay friends would just nip into a Gay signed pub on their way home and entertain another bloke's curiosity .

Absolutely this.

OP not everyone seeks help after SA, not everyone benefits if they do seek help either. It's not the case that SA is a 6 session visit to a therapist either, it can take a long time to admit what happened let alone unpick how it screwed up your life.

It's a really big thing to admit SA to anyone, it's also often hard to pin down what has happened and whether you felt it was SA or not it can be very confusing. It's incredibly hard to admit it to yourself let alone anyone else. Some of the attitudes to SA on this thread are appalling.

All this must have blown your world apart and it will no doubt be overwhelming. What you do have is time. You can give yourself some room to consider how you feel about this, whether you want help to understand what is happening or want to support him or not, it's not up to some who love adding to the drama and making novels from the spaces between your words.

As the poster quoted says, do please seek professional help whether your DH does or not as this will affect you going forward.

IhateHPSDeaneCnt

If you can’t be arsed to read the whole thing then why comment? Your comment really doesn’t make sense given the several other responses I’ve given. If that’s your experience then I’m sorry, but it isn’t the case here

Good luck OP. I think you have a tough road ahead and I truly hope you find peace in all of this. The ripple affect of SA is horrendous. Your feelings are valid and you need time to absorb and get over your initial shock.

This thread is one of the most depressing I have seen. SA against young children, whether male or female, by other children or adults should never be dismissed as it has been in this thread. The damage these sort of comments make, cannot be underestimated. For all of you that have been through this or have children that have been through this, I see you and hope you can believe that it is not your fault.

Hang on, this was on your child's ipad? Isnt that the most alarming thing of all?

or he may have made it all up to get out of trouble!

She wants to believe him.

Or he didn't make it up at all and is deeply distressed and in dire need of help.

And there is a horrifying statistic about the numbers of SCA victims abused by children of a similar age.

It also wasn’t a fast pregnancy we tried for 6 months for our DS and had been together for 3 years when he was born

Apologies.

I.misread the 10 years (older) as having been together 10 years.

But he has now made it her problem. Do they live together she doesn't say so.

Why was he logged in to your 9 year olds ipad?

Valeriekat

I’ve addressed my child’s iPad but will clarify again. None of this was accessed on my child’s iPad it was accessed on DP’s phone. He must’ve logged into his Google email account once and therefore it’s also been his account logged into the search engine, without any of us realising. I found this by actively looking in the search history, which my DS doesn’t know how to do - there was no actual content on the iPad, just the searches. If ever he was to have found the searches and clicked on it the iPad immediately blocks it due to the child restrictions.

It would be a very big lie to tell do you not think? To somehow fein tears when I’ve never really seen him cry ever and to tell me the name of the person, exactly what happened and how it made him feel. Would you disbelieve a woman who said she was abused as a child?

And there is a horrifying statistic about the numbers of SCA victims abused by children of a similar age.

Yet you’re here repeatedly suggesting that my DP made it all up? It’s comments like yours that were upsetting to BloodAndGlitter

Ignore the posters suggesting it was made up. That isn’t even the point.

The crux of the issue is that although yes, what happened to him is something that has caused significant trauma and he needs to deal with that, he is conflating his shame regarding that and his shame around being aroused by gay images. The two are not the same and neither is his betrayal of you. These are separate issues.

He cannot, and should not, be using his trauma as an excuse for the betrayal. He has been accessing many forms of this for his own pleasure and he is now in blind panic that he has been caught and people will learn the truth that he enjoys this material. He doesn’t want to admit it himself which is likely why he blames the trauma alone for his lifelong interest in/arousal by men and penis.

He didn't forget to take the bins out and then left it up to OP to deal with.

SA and all it's forms, regardless of age is everybodies problem.