TW: SA - DP gay porn - how do I get past this?

[Elmo27]

AIA this is long. Posting on here as I can’t tell anyone in real life but really need some advice.
I have been in a relationship with DP for 12 years, he is 10 years older and we have a 9yo DS. He’s always been pretty avoidant attachment style and a very closed book. We’ve had our fair share of ups and downs and at times it’s been a real struggle and we have come very close to separating a couple of times. I do love him very very much though and he’s recently told me that he’d be happy to start trying for DC2 (something I’ve wanted for years but he could never commit to) which I’m over the moon about.
so yesterday I looked on DS’s iPad as I often do to check what he’s been looking at (it has all appropriate child settings on) and I noticed that the Google account was signed into my partners account. I looked at the history and saw that last weekend there had been a search for transsexual porn, and upon scrolling further back in horror I saw that there were many more similar, and gay porn too, in amongst searches for straight porn (and other mundane searches not related to porn at all). I clicked on one of the links but obviously the iPad blocked it due to child restrictions. There was also visits to a swingers sites on profiles of shemales.
naturally I was completely stunned and very very upset and I text DP telling him he needed to come home from work immediately. I don’t think I’ve ever felt shock or anger like that and I had to run to the toilet to throw up. I felt so betrayed that he must be gay? But has spent 12 years with me? There had been zero signs. I ended up losing my shit and text him (admittedly quite abusive messages which I’m not proud of but I have never felt anger like it). He told me it was just a fantasy and he isn’t gay.
he then rang me and told me he was going to tell me something he’s never told anybody before - that when he was around 12 or 13, and older boy sexually abused him about 10 times over a 2 year period. He said he felt so ashamed and disgusting about it and has done ever since, but that at the time even though he didn’t want it to happen he sometimes enjoyed it, which then fuelled his shame even more. He said that it sparked something in him that is purely a porn thing that he revisits sometimes. He came home and continued the conversation and I knew he was telling the truth. He has promised me he does not and never has been confused about his sexuality and identifies and completely straight. That the gay porn thing was his dirty secret that no one else knew of and that he has never and would never want to act on it. He said he feels embarrassed and ashamed that he’s said this out loud and thought he would always rather have died than tell anyone. I believe him. I asked him if he had ever done this to anyone else when he was a kid too and he was horrified and said he absolutely hadn’t. He has said he will never ever be looking at anything like this again and now that this has come out it has ‘blown his world apart’ and the thought of it makes him feel sick.
obviously all search history has been deleted from my sons iPad and I’m confident he never saw any of these searches.
how do I move forward with this? My heart breaks for him and now SO much makes sense. I always knew he was holding himself back from me and I think this has messed him up in so many ways. I’ve told him he has to get therapy immediately or I can’t get past this enough to continue the relationship. I feel betrayed and hurt that I have confided in him so much about myself but he never could tell me this part of him. Can I trust him that this is purely a porn thing stemmed from abuse, and that it’s not affected his sexual identity to a larger extent?
i am completely floored by this and feeling about 10 different emotions. Please be kind and give me some advice. Thanks

Telling the OP her DH is lying with any level of certainty and trying to discredit posters with different opinions isn’t helpful either.

He is not a straight man. He is sexually aroused by gay porn. He can claim any source for this he likes - be it the very real abuse he experienced or whatever else. But the bottom line is he is turned on by men and fantasises about penis. So, he isn’t straight. He’s certainly dealing with a lot of shame which is causing him to suppress and deny/deflect this.

Can you support him with coming to terms with being bi, if that is what he discovers through therapy?

I'm so sorry you had to survive that.

Take no notice of these posters, it's because it relates to a man.

If it was a female , they wouldn't say all this crap. What they don't realise Is they're offending all abuse survivors (like yourself) by being so man-hatey

I think his story is plausible and you believe him which is the main thing.

You can’t blackmail him into counselling or tell him how to deal with the trauma of sexual abuse. If you accept his explanation and need help to move on from this discovery, you should get counselling. Whether or not he gets counselling is his choice.

You are fully entitled to leave if he doesn’t get therapy, but you can’t demand it of him.

I agree with this 100%, perfect explanation

This is my thought too. It sounds like an odd reaction.

Wow thanks for all the responses. I’m grateful for different perspectives as obviously I can’t repeat this to anybody I know in real life.

To clear a few things up - I demanded he came home from work when I saw the several gay and trans porn as well as the swingers sites. I checked the swingers site and you need a profile to view any others. At this point, I was beyond confused and absolutely livid - I thought “has this man really wasted 12 years of my life?!” So no - I don’t think that reaction was too much, I presumed he was gay and that is the ultimate betrayal to use me as a cover up for all these years.

It was only afterwards when he told me about the SA, very reluctantly, that I calmed down and listened. As I said in my OP, I do believe this happened. There were far too many details in this for it to be a lie, he was in tears (and he’s not a man who cries ever) and I am heartbroken that this happened to him.

Someone said I should stop being so ‘judgey’ - I am definitely NOT judging him as a person. But he is my partner of 12 years and ultimately it has been a betrayal of my trust and the swingers sites really tips it for me. He said he created an account to look at videos on there but deleted it straight after - I don’t know of course that this is the truth, but I do know there were no searches on that site since November last year (but there were lots of others on porn sites since).

I want to support him through this, and I had told him he needed therapy anyway before finding any of this out to which he’d promised me he’d start. That’s why now I’m more adamant it’s what he needs. I can’t demand it no but as a poster said is he going to go it cold turkey then? I have hugged him and told him that I love him very much and that I am always here for him. FYI I didn’t demand he doesn’t watch it anymore - he voluntarily told me that and apologised profusely for putting me through this.

What I need to try and ‘get past’ is - how do I support him through this whilst also dealing with feeling betrayed without this seriously affecting our relationship? If this was simply a ‘kink’ he had or he admitted he was bi years ago then yes I could’ve gotten used to it and it wouldn’t have bothered me (probably) because he would’ve been open and honest. At the moment I am torn between feeling so very sorry and hurt for him, wanted to hug him and tell him it will be okay, knowing I could never imagine what he’s been through and feeling selfish for feeling hurt, and then a small part of me wondering if this abuse triggered more than just porn and he ever has/ wanted to act on it and ultimately cheat on me. I want to trust him but I feel a little like I don’t know who he is. If that’s me being judgey then so be it but as a few posters have said my feelings are valid too.

God this has really upset me to read, my son was raped and sexually abused at the age of 9 by a boy 3 years older than him. That boy threatened my son with various things if he ever dared say a word about it. Thankfully he did and we believed him and didn't just shut him down because it was another boy and they were young. FFS.

Of course your feelings are valid. I think most people would feel the same way in your position. His preferences may be rooted in abuse but his actions are his to own. And let’s be honest there are many men who behave similarly and have not suffered abuse. Signing up to a swingers site behind your partners back would be a red line for most relationships. He should be sorry for this. From what you have found it seems like what he is experiencing is bordering on addiction. He knows it’s wrong and doesn’t want to do it but he feels compelled to get another hit. Finding risker and risker ways of satisfying his urges. Unless he gets an handle on this it will escalate to full on cheating if it hasn’t happened already. Either way what he has done was a betrayal to your relationship. From what you have said he seems to accept that.

i don’t think you can move on like it didn’t happen. This has changed your relationship. But if you both have therapy separately and then perhaps couples therapy when you are ready you could end up with a deeper connection in the long run. It will take work and it’s not work you are obliged to do if you feel that you can’t move on from this. But if everything else in your relationship is good I think you will regret not trying.

BloodandGlitter

Im so sorry this happened to your poor son, how awful. I hope he is able to heal from this and it sounds like he has amazing supportive parents in you.

I think the comments dismissing SA as a lie or that it’s somehow okay because both my DP and the other boy were underage are abhorrent. It very clearly happened and I was never doubting that.

My struggles are more with to what extent has this affected him, affected his sexuality/sexual identity and how do I best support him whilst I’m also dealing with feeling betrayed. I feel like I’m feeling several emotions at once and I agree I could also do with some counselling. I’m worried there is still more to come out although he has sworn that there definitely isn’t.

From what you have found it seems like what he is experiencing is bordering on addiction. He knows it’s wrong and doesn’t want to do it but he feels compelled to get another hit. Finding risker and risker ways of satisfying his urges. Unless he gets an handle on this it will escalate to full on cheating if it hasn’t happened already

Thank you. This sums up exactly what my fear is. I know he’s telling the truth about what happened to him but this is my worry and what I can’t shake.

II think the comments dismissing SA as a lie

The SA could be true, but not the reason (or main reason).he is on swinging sites behind your back.

or that it’s somehow okay because both my DP and the other boy were underage are abhorrent

Good thing that's not what I said.

In any case, I would still advise you to try to make sure you know the full extent of his activities. That may not be possible, I know.

Good luck.

StrawberryDream24

I agree about finding out the extent of it and this is my worry. He’s promised me there’s no more. He’s promised me, that as weird as it sounds given what he’s been watching, he has never actually questioned his own sexuality. I asked him if he thinks he could be bisexual. He said no he isn’t. He said he has never ever looked at a man in real life and thought they were attractive. So therefore he never has or would cheat with a man or a transsexual. He says it completely stems from the SA and that he feels disgusting afterwards. I had heard that this could be a thing that survivors of SA sometimes do as a coping mechanism and a few posters have said similar which confirms this. I need to ascertain whether I fully believe this is the whole extent of it, or I keep pushing for more and potentially end up further damaging my DP who I love who has already been through so much. It’s sensitive and it’s how to navigate my own feelings around this whilst supporting him too. Never felt so conflicted in my life!

You sound really balanced, considering what a difficult position you're in OP. I think you're right that you need counselling. Your DH has got a lot to deal with, but you do too, and not having anyone to talk to about it IRL will be very hard on you. A counselor can be that neutral third party who you can talk to and work through your feelings with.

I feel sad for you and your DH. FWIW, his explanation to you sounds totally plausible to me. Trauma like that has complex and far reaching effects.

I'd have so much compassion for my DH if I were in your shoes, too, but you also need to take care of yourself too. I hope you can navigate it together and both find happiness and peace.

He has said he was abused.

Do you not believe him because he's male?

Op, for what it's worth, I think you're dealing with this massive shock so well, aandwith real compassion.

Whatever you decide to do, and I think you're justified in going in either direction, I hope you find peace and comfort in your decision

I'd believe him OP.

And even if he hadn't suffered abuse there are many straight men who watch transexual/gay porn regardless. Watching and partaking in are two different things. Taboo (which for a straight person is transexual/gay porn) as a form of visual stimulation is a thing. He also watches straight porn which a gay man would not do.

Talking things through is a good approach and encourages openness.

One thing I think should be said is over his carelessness of viewing adult material on your child's iPad (or the signed on google account linking to the material). You have parental locks on which is good but I assume that the logged on google account was showing the search results from another machine where the account is also logged on?

Sorry that's complete nonsense. As well as many straight men watching transexual/gay porn, many straight women watch lesbian porn. Watching (especially something taboo) does not determine your sexuality.

Thanks for your kind comments. I am trying really hard to see both sides of this and look at this with as much emotional maturity as I can muster. I’m very empathetic which is a strength and a weakness.

Yes I think at some point he must’ve logged into his emails on the iPad and therefore his whole Google account was logged in, probably for a while. Then his google searches from his phone must’ve synced to his Google account on the search page. He definitely has not accessed any of this on my son’s iPad. It’s now been deleted and logged out on his iPad.

Just going back to your OP, do you feel you could expand on this part (if not, that's obviously entirely your perogative) for context, for posters trying to advise;

We’ve had our fair share of ups and downs and at times it’s been a real struggle and we have come very close to separating a couple of times.

I do love him very very much though and he’s recently told me that he’d be happy to start trying for DC2 (something I’ve wanted for years but he could never commit to)

What have the ups and downs, the real struggle, the almost separations been about?
Why could he not commit to a second child for 9 years (if I got that right)?

If that’s me being judgey..

You're not being judgey (and calling him to home to discuss what you'd found, especially the swinging site, was not remotely unreasonable either). Those comments were unfair.

StrawberryDream24

Our ups and downs have mainly been around communication. I like to calmly talk things out (as many women do) and he can be dismissive and defensive and concerns I’ve had that could’ve been sorted and nipped in the bud have then festered within me, making way for the next argument as things just kept building up which he was rarely interested in talking about. He has a very avoidant attachment style and I am probably anxiously attached (something I try hard to work on all the time).

He is an avid worrier with a pessimistic view on the world. And also being 10 years older I think he was worried about being an ‘old’ dad. I think he recently realised how much it truly meant to me and would to our DS and has had a change of heart about being a Dad again.

He’s a very good decent kind hearted man and there are many good things about our relationship but it is far from perfect. Knowing what I know now explains soooo much about how he is. If I’d have known this years ago things would’ve been very different.

What caused you to you almost break up twice. (Sorry I don't really get what was bad enough from that)?

What concerns of yours were not addresses and festered?