TW: SA - DP gay porn - how do I get past this?

[Elmo27]

AIA this is long. Posting on here as I can’t tell anyone in real life but really need some advice.
I have been in a relationship with DP for 12 years, he is 10 years older and we have a 9yo DS. He’s always been pretty avoidant attachment style and a very closed book. We’ve had our fair share of ups and downs and at times it’s been a real struggle and we have come very close to separating a couple of times. I do love him very very much though and he’s recently told me that he’d be happy to start trying for DC2 (something I’ve wanted for years but he could never commit to) which I’m over the moon about.
so yesterday I looked on DS’s iPad as I often do to check what he’s been looking at (it has all appropriate child settings on) and I noticed that the Google account was signed into my partners account. I looked at the history and saw that last weekend there had been a search for transsexual porn, and upon scrolling further back in horror I saw that there were many more similar, and gay porn too, in amongst searches for straight porn (and other mundane searches not related to porn at all). I clicked on one of the links but obviously the iPad blocked it due to child restrictions. There was also visits to a swingers sites on profiles of shemales.
naturally I was completely stunned and very very upset and I text DP telling him he needed to come home from work immediately. I don’t think I’ve ever felt shock or anger like that and I had to run to the toilet to throw up. I felt so betrayed that he must be gay? But has spent 12 years with me? There had been zero signs. I ended up losing my shit and text him (admittedly quite abusive messages which I’m not proud of but I have never felt anger like it). He told me it was just a fantasy and he isn’t gay.
he then rang me and told me he was going to tell me something he’s never told anybody before - that when he was around 12 or 13, and older boy sexually abused him about 10 times over a 2 year period. He said he felt so ashamed and disgusting about it and has done ever since, but that at the time even though he didn’t want it to happen he sometimes enjoyed it, which then fuelled his shame even more. He said that it sparked something in him that is purely a porn thing that he revisits sometimes. He came home and continued the conversation and I knew he was telling the truth. He has promised me he does not and never has been confused about his sexuality and identifies and completely straight. That the gay porn thing was his dirty secret that no one else knew of and that he has never and would never want to act on it. He said he feels embarrassed and ashamed that he’s said this out loud and thought he would always rather have died than tell anyone. I believe him. I asked him if he had ever done this to anyone else when he was a kid too and he was horrified and said he absolutely hadn’t. He has said he will never ever be looking at anything like this again and now that this has come out it has ‘blown his world apart’ and the thought of it makes him feel sick.
obviously all search history has been deleted from my sons iPad and I’m confident he never saw any of these searches.
how do I move forward with this? My heart breaks for him and now SO much makes sense. I always knew he was holding himself back from me and I think this has messed him up in so many ways. I’ve told him he has to get therapy immediately or I can’t get past this enough to continue the relationship. I feel betrayed and hurt that I have confided in him so much about myself but he never could tell me this part of him. Can I trust him that this is purely a porn thing stemmed from abuse, and that it’s not affected his sexual identity to a larger extent?
i am completely floored by this and feeling about 10 different emotions. Please be kind and give me some advice. Thanks

This... and it's really not uncommon for people to bury / not disclose childhood abuse, even to those they are closest to, maybe even especially not to those they are close to as the fear of rejection (and them being disgusted or shaming you) is so huge. The lasting trauma and physiological damage from CSA can permeate every aspect of a survivors life, relationships and attachments.

Of the 2 issues, that you found his porn history and that he has disclosed childhood abuse to you... his disclosure is huge, please support him with this with kindness and if necessary revisit the discussion around porn when he's had some support/ therapy.

just wondering if @Chilliflakesontuna is male, possibly?

It's well documented that many straight men watch transexual (and even gay) porn. The taboo element is stimulating.

That could be argued either way, I'm sure.

I have never been involved with a straight nan who wants to watch men or men with implants - have sex.

To the contrary the very prospect caused them to show classic signs of disgust all over their faces.

There are a lot of men who identify as heterosexual but are not, like "MSM".

When "men who have sex with men" ode toft themselves as heterosexual, you begin to see some of the gargantuan level of delusion that significant numbers of men have re their sexuality. Ultimately they cannot and will never accept themselves as gay or bi, let alone to others.

@ StrawberryDream24

"I have never been involved with a straight nan" Different dynamic 😉

Do you mind being with a bisexual man?

Op, there's clicking on gay and trans porn while on porn sites ... .. then there"s going on swinging sites (which I imagine you'd have to join up to etc. in order to browse).

To me, that's the behaviour of someone who's gone past looking at actors/amateurs passively, and moved into "seeing what/who is out there in real life" (and probably, specifically in your region).

One might say that the swinging sites are also just for fantasy.
My points would be;

A. The porn wasn't enough for fantasy?

B. When posters on here have caught their partners on swinging sites, the partners were - of course - always only looking, and it was only for fantasy. But in some cases that was later proven not to be true (sometimes there had been image and video swapping or interactive sexting or videoing, sometimes meet ups).

C. When you've signed up to a swinging site and browsed it, you're a click away from interacting with someone - whether it's messaging or exchanging pics or worse. Escalation would be easy.

I don't think the situation you unfortunately find yourself in should be dismissed or white washed by discussions of his background, his abuse, his counselling.

He has done something that many people would consider highly highly inappropriate and something that could easily lead to digital or real life cheating.

And that's just the best case scenario on the swinging site.

Personally I think he's raised this, after all these years, at least in part because (no matter what the veracity) it's a very effective tool to distract, deflect and get you to back off about him being caught on at least one swinging site.

Even if he ended up on swingings site due to abuse; he's gone from gay & trans porn ...to joining a swinging site to look at 'real life" transexuals .... what next?

Why are you supposed to put up with something (to your knowledge, which may not be complete) that pushes rather hard on the boundary of fidelity?

He's had decades to get counselling and didn't. He presumably knows he's escalated his activity (onto swinging sites) but hasn't.

But now it's your role to support?

(And that's just what is known, personally I've seen too many poster's stories on here not to worry there's more).

That's meant to mean what?

That because other men have had their first serial experience at that age, it doesn't make this useful abuse? Just want make sure i lm understanding what you're saying

I don't think it's at all unusual for people to seek out porn or sexual experiences that are related to sexual abuse they have suffered as a way to regain control or process past events. That, in and of itself, is not difficult to believe.

I can remember watching a documentary about swingers and sex clubs years ago, and there was a woman around 70 who was going to parties and engaging in quite risky group sex. I said to DH "something awful has happened to that woman" and lo and behold, later in the episode she recounted a story of being gang raped as a teenager.

This doesn't really seem like the time to be making this about you and your marriage, issuing demands and threats. Your husband has just disclosed serious historical child sexual abuse. I would think that the priority would be getting him some help and support and seeing if he wants to involve the police.

I don't know if he was abused.

All I know is that he's on swinging sites while in an exclusive relationship.

(And my point was in response to another poster re his age at the time. That I know men who had sexual experiences at that age with boys the same age or older. Both under the age of consent. It is not legal but happens. With both boys considering it consented to at the time and since. That was my only point. It was a slight tangent and bears no relation to whether the op's partner was abused or not).

Regardless of anything else, I strongly recommend you don't have another child with this man, at least not at the moment.

Considering that there are now biological women who fake being trans (use a prosthetic penis in photos and videos) on sites like OnlyFans because it is more lucrative, I don't know what it would make the men who watch it? Would they be gay if they thought the woman was a man? Would they be straight?

The abuse issue is one thing.

The op, in her relationship, is another.

No matter what has happened, it does not mean that she is obliged to stay in a relationship with a man - let alone support a man - who has pushed hard on the boundaries of fidelity by joining swinging sites.

(If you discussed it and agree it with your partner, that's one thing - but that definitely didn't happen here).

It also does not mean that she has to find a man attractive or arousing - who uses gay and transexual porn (and browses transexual people on swinging sites). We are allowed to have preferences, we are allowed to have turn offs. Personally I would find this a massive torn off iny supposedly hetero life and sexual partner.

It seems that it's always women who are supposed to discard their preferences and boundaries for men when it comes to the men's sexual behaviour.
When they're trannies for eg, it's always "it's harmless, you're prejudiced, you should tolerate it, you should have fun" ....No. I have yet to see, and doubt I will ever see, a man on a male forum be advised to tolerate and have fun with his wife wanting to dress in men's jockey shorts with socks down them.. it's always men's sexuality that is to be prioritised and understood and tolerated.

The op is not obliged to tolerate this behaviour , even if he now stops - regardless of the supposed cause of it..

It all sounds dodgy and he's only confided in you about alleged sexual abuse when caught looking at gay porn.

I wouldn't trust a word he says.

This doesn't really seem like the time to be making this about you and your marriage, issuing demands and threats. Your husband has just disclosed serious historical child sexual abuse. I would think that the priority would be getting him some help and support and seeing if he wants to involve the police.

Well this certainly nicely knocks away the fact that he's on swinging sites.

I actually wouldn't be deciding what to do without checking out anything I possibly could about his activities online and elsewhere. (Without giving him a heads up about that).

@StrawberryDream24 it’s so strange how obsessive you are with this thread. You’ve posted over and over with little response and you’re still going hours later.

And your obsession with focusing on the porn and swinging sites "knocks away" the small issue of this man having disclosed historic child sexual abuse.

Historic abuse does not trump infidelity.

And I doubt what the op's seen, is everything; it rarely is.

I posted in response to other posts.
Do you usually have such trouble with basic concepts.

"Obsessed" (such hyperbole).
I just really wouldn't want the op to be influenced by many of these posts; to her detriment.

The fact that this disclosure of historic abuse has come when he's been caught on sex sites is ..... Worth keeping in mind.

The op's pain and the damage to her trust and her feelings towards her partner matter too, something many posters appear to not care about.

I think this too

Please read @Popouy replies. Unless you have experience of this or are a professional, you really can’t comment on whether the OPs DH is gay, bi or telling the truth. She believes him.
OP you need to go and talk to someone in a professional capacity. You can’t demand your DH does, you have no idea of the trauma he carries. Support him and try and put yourself in his shoes. If ultimately you can’t deal with this, that’s up to you, but you may find this sort of thing is more common than you think. So many victims of SA never discuss with anyone and deal with it as best they can.

@StrawberryDream24 are you for real? Boys of 12 and 13 that are abused by the same sex are all gay or bi. Really. This is such a hideous thing to say.

You’re really very brave to admit that and share this to help op understand her husband’s situation and to stand up for other people who will also have been in your situation. Just wanted to say that.

The OP only discovered about her partner's interest in gay and trans porn from finding it on an iPad. This hasn't come from a request from him to be pegged by her or for her to dress up, she would've been completely unaware if it wasn't for the iPad. I think too many personal biases are at play here and clouds judgement.

Not sure why the discovery should make the partner fully gay. I think it's likely he is bisexual (predominately heterosexual), this may have come naturally or may be the result of childhood trauma (depending on whether you believe it happened or not).

Now that he porn usage is known, I think it needs to be discussed with him, and not to use "childhood abuse, let's never talk about it again" argument.

Your posts are littered with homophobia and child abuse apology. Labelling child sex abuse as "early gay encounters" is abhorrent.

You appear to believe yourself to be some beacon of morality and truth on this thread when in actual fact, you are far, far from it.

I am not interested in justifying my view point to someone like you.

I'd say it's equally likely that he's bi and has reframed an early gay experience/encounters as abuse

Shocking